The guest is gone
I can't help it but weep
For sure am heading back to sleep

My lost soul chained i  can't leap
I still joke that the guest is gone
So i meek with destiny for my own nake

tell me why we never changed
tell me how we always go back
tell me why we are still tamed
tell me if there's good in badness that we aspire

change is a difficult deed
your only required to decide
though the puzzle is their to 'slug' you behind
don't let your spirits and confidence be undermined
with void and vanity of this world

protection comes from your lord
So seek guidance from greed
with the world coming to a certain end
cynics as brothers you don't need

pray for us and them
that we all glow while darkness fades

The ***** hasn't kicked in yet and I know I shouldn't text you again so I won't because the ***** hasn't kicked in yet but maybe when I'm drunker I could send you a text about how much I hate the fact that I lost my virginity to you or how much I hate the fact that I still text you when I'm drunk that would be pretty **** meta my throat burns but I'm trying not to drink too much water because the ***** hasn't kicked in yet and I'm trying not to cry because my parents got divorced two years ago and everyone else seems to be coping fine but I still break down when my dad talks about how much he loves my mom and he's getting married soon and I wonder if she knows she's his second choice and I wonder if it breaks her heart as much as it breaks mine and my parents haven't seen each other in months because it makes my dad sad to see what he is missing but I think if he saw my mom more often he would realize he isn't missing much because since he left she's been drinking and he never liked her when she drank because she gets too honest and cries too much and she told me my friends were weird and I used to think drunk words were lies but that boy told me he loved me and two years later it turns out it was true and I wish he had told me sooner because it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and maybe we could have been something and I would text him right now but he never likes it when I drink because I remind him of himself and that terrifies him and he got back from rehab a few months ago and he's been different ever since and I don't like the new him and he used to hate people like him but I guess he's happy now I hope he's happy now I thought he'd stopped drinking until he mentioned grabbing a beer I don't know if he's still taking pills but I hope not because I really do love that boy like a brother or a lover it changes a lot and he's going into the military and I want more than anything to kiss him good bye but I don't know if he still wants me and I don't want to make him sad and he's been pretty mean lately but I think it's just the boys he's been hanging out with and my brother says he's changed so much they hardly ever talk now and I remember when they used to be best friends and I hate what time does to people and the ***** is starting to kick in now do you see what time does to people I still have some left I poured myself a juice glass of grapefruit flavored liquor and I don't know how many shots it equates to but I hope it's a lot I need to stop thinking tonight I want to puke my guts out I want a hangover I want to teach myself a lesson but I never ******* learn I don't know if I'll ever stop drinking sometimes I want to die by the time I'm 25 and I think maybe if it's an accident no one would be so upset so if I got in a car accident no one would think I was depressed if I drove off an overpass people would use my story as a drunk driving prevention program but they wouldn't think I left them on purpose and that's all I need I will live my life quickly and leave just as fast because I hate what time does to people and I do not want to be a victim of the clock

I am not an alcoholic,
I just like beer.

I am not an alcoholic,
I'm just a little hungover.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to drink with my friends.

I am not an alcoholic,
I am just bored.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just can't sleep.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just like to feel warm.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just like to feel dizzy.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to feel brave.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to feel something.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want an excuse to tell someone I love them.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just feel better when I drink.

I am not an alcoholic,
I only hide it because my parents would yell.

I am not an alcoholic,
I am only sixteen.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just need something to cling to.

Soo many lies, still seeking forgiveness
Feeling like am already mad,so I found companionship in fatigue and loneliness

Hoping for  redemption from my dismay,don't judge me-
I done that pillars  ago

Today  i attend my funeral, didn't see myself crying
I only saw a river of dark  cloud  forming over,this is what i created

This is why I left
This is why I never looked back
This is why even in death i never found peace

Don't cry  for this heart
a coal like this,needs no water to shade for it
hatred will never be enough,am still searching

Searching for the perfect demise while praying for mercy.

I walk with death on my hands
Constantly thinking about grave as a dooms home or a fragrant palace

In front of me there is heaven and hell


Death my judge and juror
Oh death!  Why you?
The destroyer of illusions,don't be furious

In front of me there's heaven and hell.

That first puff,
the first sip,
the burn in my throat,
light headed
and shaking,
another hit
another shot,
I remember when I promised
never.

I am not
the person I used to be,
I am not
a beacon of hope,
I am a shipwreck
and I can see
the smokestacks falling
into the sea.

Sometimes I have to
remind myself I am awake,
that this is not a dream,
maybe one day
I'll wake up
and it will be.

Do not look at me
like a sob story,
do not ask
for a happy ending,
there is no ending,
this is my life
and it is
ongoing
smoke bumming
***** stealing
blunt passing
cold turkey
relapsing
screaming
screaming
screaming.

Red ribbons
and markers on posters,
this is not
the person
I was
before.

Feels like you.

Or a whiskey bottle.

Two things.

I get drunk on too often.

I am done with you,
Those little orange bottles
And your needles
And your glittery powder
Everywhere.

I am done watching your bones grow
And your skin sag
And your soul peel
While you sit encircled in
Perfumes and
Smoke.

I am done waiting for your eyes to open
Wide enough for you to see
What hurt you managed to cause
By not lifting a finger
Or saying a word.

And soon,
So soon I didn’t see it
As it flashed past my heart,
Anger is welling and
I am screaming
Crying
Flailing.

My rage is pulsing
Against glass walls
And those walls
Are cracking
Against my skin.
The jagged shards
Leave jagged slices
That leave jagged scars.

And I won’t be done
Until they heal again.

I have never felt more hatred toward another human being
than I do toward myself.
The only question I have been able to ask myself these past few months
is “what the **** are you doing?”
and I do not have an answer.
I have been carrying this weight for so long that
I have forgotten how it feels to be free.
I am a prisoner of war
inside my own ******* head,
and I am no longer sure of what I am fighting for.
Do not call me a soldier.
I am not a hero,
I am a coward.
I am weak.
Point a rifle to my head.
Do not prepare your bayonets,
I will not struggle.
Close my eyes when the light fades from them.
Do not let me see what I’ve left behind.

I texted you
at 12:30 a.m.
with a beer can on my bedside table,
asked you
if you remember
how my lips taste,
told you
it's been a while
since anyone's touched me
like you used to,
added
haha, I love you
to texts that
didn't quite make sense;

I asked for it.

That's what I keep
telling myself.
It's not ****
if I gave consent,
it's not ****
if you didn't touch me,
it's not ****
if I said yes when
you offered to make me less lonely.

I remember when
that boy you were always jealous of
told me he loved me,
I remember wanting to say it back,
I remember the smell of
my mom's *****
on his breath.

I said no.
Took his arm off my shoulder,
turned my head away,
told him not to kiss me,
told him not tonight,
told him he was drunk,
he was lying to himself,
he was just lonely,
he would not love me
in the morning.

I was right.
He told me
the last thing he remembered
was sitting down next to me,
he said
sorry if I tried anything,
I said he didn't.

My point is,

the boy I loved,
longed for,
still long for,
was giving himself to me,
his flushed cheek on my shoulder,
his hands in my hair,
my name on his lips,
and I said no.

My point is,

I, whom you knew to be vulnerable,
to be empty,
to be broken,
was begging you to save me,
my desire on your phone screen,
my scars in your memories,
my cries echoing in your eardrums,
and you asked for more.

My point is,

there comes a point
in every person's life
when they are given the choice
to do the right thing,
or do the wrong thing
and convince them self
it was the only option.

My point is,

I could have been
at your doorstep,
in your bedroom,
begging,
pleading,
naked,
ready,
and the right answer
still would have been
no.

My point is,

you did not **** me,
but you made me feel violated.
You are not a *** offender,
but you are an awful person.
I did say yes,
but you should have said no.

My point is,

I may have asked for it,
but that doesn't mean
you should've given it to me.