Coffee brings the morning and
ashtrays hold the night before
I’ve thought about this for so long
I think I won’t think anymore

I brought you here to talk about it
But you’re still leaning on the door
I’ll smoke another cigarette
And leave the ashes on the floor

Times seem difficult right now
Look in mirror and hate what I see
I have faith that if I keep trying
I'll start to eventually like being me
What doesn't **** makes me stronger
I continue building myself every day
Growing
Learning from my fuckups and messes
Fueled by faith in fate that someday I'll finally feel okay

I am terrified to fall in love with you
Know how easily I can break
Say it is worth the risk
Don't get how much is at stake
Got fantasies frolicking in skull
Pills do not make me feel as great as you
I don't dare succumb to effects
Fairytales are too good to be true
That little voice whispering
To try again and be brave
My longing is stifled by past events
When I last let my resolve cave
Can I find strength to take the plunge?
Leap off cliff to uncharted depths below?
Without harness or safety net to catch
Unwilling to allow myself to sink that low
Help cut tethers trapping me in this place
Give anything to feel free once more
My fear holds me captive inside a prison
I can't seem to find the door
You make falling appear easy
With snap of fingers head over heels
Icy heart has been frozen for so long
Can barely remember how being alive feels
I wish I could forget sorrow
Brought by mention of a familiar name
Remind myself that you are different
Still worry it will end the same
It does not seem fair for you to give your all
Equal effort expected in return
I am simply unable to reciprocate
Love and consideration for which you yearn

I wore my heart on my sleeve
For way too many years
And now she is tattered and torn

I still ball up the shreds
And hand them to men
In hopes she won't come back worse

Either I am untruthful or you are insane
Dishonest is something I'm not
Morals to you are invisible
During battles hard-fought
You remain blind to true character
After many months have gone by
Won't give the benefit of doubt
Yet don't have a good reason why
I'm feeling undervalued
Even more than that overlooked
You are impossible reasoning with
Against all sense I remain hooked
I believe you should bestow better treatment
Than accusations
Condescending words
Always finding justification
The way you view world is absurd
You'll start argument over something made-up
Afterwards realize you were wrong
Attempting to understand the thoughts in your head
Have trouble following along
It's like you expect to have your mind read
Before emitting one sound
I need you to spell-out the answers
We chase each other round and round
How can person who leaves me breathless
Be the same who causes me to suffocate?
Smothering in expectations
Buried under hefty weight
Your touch warms darkness of my sky
Also occasionally burns my skin
Since the day you entered life
Actions have made head spin
One minute everything is fine
Suddenly eyes turn cold
Picturing past simplicity
No pressure to fit a mold
I recall taste of potential
Back at the start
Saw orchards sprouting in the distance
Hope a priceless work-of-art
In harbour of security I wade
Waves gradually drag body down
Very same waters keeping me safe
Belong to sea in which I drown
You know exact places to poke
Press button turning me bright red
An expert contortionist
Twisting and rearranging sentences said
I wish I could plan visit
To inside of your brain
Take peek at the sacred sanctuary
To which access never will be gained
The longer we carry on in this manner
A suspended state of fear
More claustrophobic I become
Zero room to wiggle out of here
I mourn passing of your trust
Ponder if ever actually alive
Or if earlier before we met
Had stored in your archive
I suppose in both our natures
Are tall walls built to defend
Just manifested differently
History of trauma refusing to mend
And now threaten to end us?
If you do will be your loss
How dare you treat like garbage
A broken toy to toss
I desperately yearn to run
So you catch me in your embrace
What if you stare as I vanish
Like smoke without trace?
When ordering me to be quiet
Stings sharper than a bee
If uninterested in contents of my skull
Explain why bother staying with me
I look to the heavens for a shooting star
Outer space is empty tonight
I hold onto you through the blackness
Not letting go until we see morning light

I don't know how I can write all this
Know all this
With a pinpoint, laser focus
Tuned so far into,
Most every issue,
I come out the other side of existence
To get a look at if from every angle,
This ain't checkers, this is chess
From biggest
To littlest
Catalyst,
To coroner visits
Call every witness
There's an obvious will,
To one day still,
Find a bottom to this
Accountability,
Twords the top of the list
While I skirt a bit of responsibility,
Let's be honest
But can't fold any of it into my healing process
So after all this,
And after being told it would absolutely aid in the progress,
I'm still a mess
Can't make it make sense

©2024

The universe is on display tonight.
    A storm is coming. Birds in flight
    as lightening cracks the sky in two.
    There's half for me and half for you.