I swim a sea that has no shore or bottom
The North Star hides behind a cloudy sky
The winds increase with every passing moment.
The waves, once flat, are looming very high.

A jellyfish has stung me on the ankle.
My side is knotted in a painful cramp.
My arms are growing numb with endless flailing
And the clockwork of my mind has gotten damp.

Before the rust locks down all hope of thinking
I must tread salty water for a span;
Stop contemplating how I dumbly got here,
Somehow devise a working rescue plan.

Can hope be found amidst the desolation
Of knowing all the errors that I’ve made:
Believing I somehow could walk on water
It didn’t matter how my game was played.

Though I had several copies of the rule book
I never found the time to sit and read,
So I jumped in, expecting native cunning
To lift me to the top, where I would lead

Those lacking my superior perception
To places they had only dreamed about.
I’d be hailed and lauded as a savior-
Instead I only heard the fearful shout

Of those who swim behind me in an ocean
That shows no sign of coming to a beach-
That certainly will pull us down and drown us
As angry yells become a frightened screech.

The sea I swim that has no shore or bottom
Is really just my ego in disguise-
So big it blocked my vision and my hearing
Til only now, at last, I’ve heard the cries

Of hopes too waterlogged to keep on floating
Of soggy dreams that never can come true- more
Of efforts wasted training in a puddle-
Of agonizing clarity of view.

At last I’ve come to recognize this ocean.
I know what’s on the nonexistent shore.
It’s swim or sink so I keep stroking forward
Although there is no reason any more.

And though my strength is quickly disappearing,
There’s really nothing that I haven’t tried.
So I just flounder onward in my struggle
To somehow make it to the other side.

Knowing there is no one there to greet me-
Knowing there is nothing there at all-
Knowing that no miracle will save me-
No one will ever see the tears that fall

In vain attempt to expiate my folly;
To pay atonement for the things I’ve lost.
To somehow make my life not end up wasted-
To gain some value from it’s painful cost.

So left arm, right arm, kick, kick, kick.
I gain an inch and just as often lose one
The sea I swim that has no shore or bottom
Will take me with the rising of the sun.
ljm

I need to stop hurting every day
Feel like I've lost who I am
How can I insist I'm okay?
Too long spent living a sham

You're not there each second with me
Fall apart when you're not around
How I act like I'm happy
In your absence break down

I cannot smell your scent when you're gone
Touch
Hear your voice
Have to stand up and be strong
That's my only choice

Giving my word that this time I will change
Promise kept for once indeed is something strange
Read lips when I say to you "Help me stay strong"
Painting your flaws red will always feel wrong
The way to reach goals is to grow to rely
On each other til the storm passes us by
It's learning to trust without question or concern
In rain until this painful period is adjurned
Waiting for strength to flood limbs
Clear each cloud away that dims
To dance on fingertips so near
Keep looking but it never reappears

All my days are bad ones without you
Look to the sky like "what should I do?!"
The way I'm living would surely evoke a frown
In grave probably rolling completely upside-down
Thinking back when problems were few and so small
Universe seemed so frightening but you weren't scared at all
But presently I realize you kept your fears hid
Type of bravery that is heroic to a kid
I would forfeit anything to rewind time to those days
Hate that you are gone at least the memory stays
Found how to love myself by looking through your eyes
Reflection in the mirror today I don't even recognize
A lot would do differently if I had a second chance to change
Take all the hurtful words and for compliments exchange
Steal all the ways I treated you so ******* bad
Erase decisions that in the end made your soul feel sad
Now you are not here to view me turn my life around
Kills me to know I lost the opportunity to make you proud
But I still try because it's what you deserve
To make up for always getting on your last nerve
And if somehow watching me from afar
Hope you discovered how beautiful you truly are
And that you meant the world to me and so much more
In your absence it is difficult to remember what's worth breathing for
You were essential to daily routine
I loathe to myself for not telling you how much to me you mean
It was obvious I loved you because I told you almost every day
I never voiced APPRECIATION until you passed away
Now it is too late to express my gratitude
Last impression of me is my bratty attitude
You just wanted to spend hours with me but I had none to spare
After the amount you'd sacrificed I was too selfish to care
Yet never held against me my inconsideration
Unconditionally showering with adoration
I wish I regretted while you were still alive
So I apologized for all the attention I deprived
Now my neglect and unfairness haunt like a ghost
Ashamed I behaved childishly towards the one I cherish most
I assumed there would be time to rectify my actions later
Guess that is the consequence of being a procrastinator
And oh what heart wrenching lesson I have learned
By your generosity that forever will go unreturned
This remorse anchoring me to mistakes does weigh a ton
Shackles reminder of the ******-up **** I've done
I yearn for you to witness the sincerity when I speak
Whispering "I am sorry" for tears I caused to roll down your cheek
Presently dreams are only location sight is blessed by your face
Even there it's clear I am nothing but a disgrace
You once tamed insecurities like animals so wild
In the corner of my mind they sit piled
I'm working to scrape by without help from your hand
How could toes possibly walk when I am hardly able to stand?
Your guidance is vital to navigate road
Arms lack the strength to carry heavy load
But you taught not to quit even when things get hard
What doesn't **** will make me stronger although it may also leave me scarred
So in your honor will continue dragging along my feet
For success strive when it'd be simpler to admit defeat
Because I desire to be courageous like you were and confident too
It was as if a light switched on the instant you stepped in the room
You were one of a kind
Impossible to replace
No distraction capable of filling the empty space
But I will eventually acclimate to life void of your touch
Though at this moment all I can focus on is how I miss you too much

I want to see the northern lights
but I cannot say why

it is said that sometimes
if conditions are right
you can see them from here

but it never seems to work
for me

even if the sky is clear
I cannot see them
when I am told I might

others say they have seen them here
I don’t think I believe them

some set a camera
on very long exposure
to take their picture

I can’t stare at the sky
for a very long time
all at once
like a camera

maybe I want to see them
because I haven’t seen them before

there are other things I want to see
but never have

like the life I was meant to have
with you

maybe if I’d had
a better camera