the stereotypical way
of a girl or a guy falling in love

is a boy whispering sweet lies
because a girl likes what she hears
and a girl dressing up or down
because a boy likes what he sees

but between you and I,
the boy and the girl,
I was the one speaking words
and you were the one with visuals
I was the one who fell in love
and you were the one who never felt the same

pull up your bootstraps
wipe off your chins
our mouths may bleed
but these hearts
are iron armored
lets keep them out
just like we practiced

I have read articles stating that we are light beings from somewhere beyond this plain.
I have been told my whole life that I am made in God's image.
I have read that maybe we have multiple lives we have yet to live and have already lived.
I have also been told we came from apes and tadpoles
Or that we were created by a gigantic explosion in space.
Some even say we came from nothing and will return to nothing.

All I know to be true is that I hope that no matter how I was created
No matter how I came to be,
That I hope that it was worth making me.

Please tell me that this isn't all the life I get because this just is not enough for my soul to feel fed.
Let me age with grace and good God or Goddess,
take me somewhere I can finally be felt on a level that this mortality limits.
I need a love and a passion deeper than this soul can already feel.
I need to be home and I might not have a single memory of where my spirit was born
but I sure as hell know it will never be Earth.

We all grew into our ears and our teeth
Our opinions and our feet
Our clothes and chubby cheeks
We grew out of our music tastes
And other peoples mouths
Learned what it was like to love and be loved
Learned what hate looks like
What scars on hearts instead of arms looked like
We grew out our colored hair
And washed career dreams like astronaut and superhero
Down the drain
With someone else's sweat
Got used to sleeping in someone else's bed
Burned our memories of them
We grew into our faces
And out of our blind faith
We lead more then we follow
We fall in love with the concept of tomorrow
We learn the ability to bully instead of being bullied
And finally learn to rise above it all
We learned where we come from cannot change
But we can
We learned the city isn't always beautiful
That there are problems and trauma in silence
That sometimes the most peaceful thing you can do is scream until it makes sense to you

It's on days like this where

I listen to music more then I talk to people
Have headphones
And a lack of conversation at the dinner table

I wonder if I cut out my tongue
And boarded up my mouth
where would the poetry come from?

Would my brain be a constant flicker of words and rhythms
Would I attempt to scream every night
Inaudibly
Where would the poems go?
Would they bleed out of my ears and my nose
Would they make one with my tears
And if they did would I be in a state of constant crying
And bleeding
And dying

But my biggest fear

Is what if the words left completely
What if they no longer poured over me
Baptized me
In a world of hope

Of myself that I have not yet
But know will one day accept

Would you be cleansed
Of me

rivers of hope would flow down your cheeks

How
Would I show love
Without my words?

And when she told me
That she did not agree
Would my body just stay numb
Holding back words-
I mean tears
While she talked about us sinners

On the days I want to take a vow of silence I remember keeping my heartbeat steady as I looked her in the eye and said
It is not our job for judgment
When you preach hate where are you leading them?

Because God is love
And love is love

She would remain unchanged
She would never know the percentage of lgbt+ youth at risk for suicide
Or those who have already tried
Or whose parents have disowned them

So I preach

I preach love and acceptance

Because God is love
And love is love
And my love is my

words

So no
I will not be silent
Because I refuse my niece and nephews to live with a mother so hateful
to grow into a world that is unchanged
Because of people like me

Who once believed silence

*was even an option

do not follow me into the ocean
do not watch the waves lick my calves
do not wonder where I am going
I'm going
to the bottom of the ocean

the sun, sets
as do my intentions
the sand beneath my toes thickens
and turns more to stone
and shells
I am walking to the bottom of the ocean

so peculiar
to the creatures
that made a claim
to this
territory

no fins no scales
accompany me

I walk with my eyes open
until life begins to fade
until darkness is all there is
when I get to the bottom
the pressure would **** anyone but me

a tiny light sits
in the nothingness
so small almost nothings eyes could catch it
but I know
I came here for it
I have searched for it
far and wide
and here it is
the last real living star

I reach for it
slowly
savor such a moment
and as my fingers grasp it
I find myself
in space
again
empty handed

"can I not have one beautiful thing on earth!"
I scream into the nothingness
but no words come out
i scoff
not surprised
but I am startled
that all the times I have been dragged
back here
none of them have hurt less
then the first time I was betrayed

"nothing that beautiful belongs on earth"
whispers the heavens
but I am frustrated
"I have searched, and searched! and now I am leaving empty handed again! you have to promise me, promise me something beautiful, something beautiful but earthly"

"fine, I promise, I swear on all the planets in the universe"


and that's how I found *you.