You travelled everywhere and now you're back.

Like a child
Reckless.
Careless.
Wanting everything.
But this time you must sit.

I can't ground you
But I can guard you
Renew you
Train you
In the way you should go

And when fear comes
Or envy
Or worry
Or lust
You won't depart.
Not this time.
Stay mind stay

You are standing there outside my window
Waving your hand and smiling
I am feeling like I will run and hug you
But a **** girl comes along
And makes your eyes bigger
Why not?
She is wearing a see-through dress
And the curves of her body
Are kenspeckle to your eyes
You leave with a smug look
While I am here, broken
Gazing at the fine lines
I see in the mirror

After so many years, It’s time I hold you accountable.

You were never a mother to me
That's why I never referred to you as one
I called you Helen
You were an adult who lived in the same house as me
That's how I saw you
I was numb to you
No feelings
Nothing but terror

I was scared of you
You hated my face
And I feared yours

I don't think I ever loved you  
I never felt warm when I saw you
I felt hostility
I tried to stay out of your way
Dodging your shadow

You never hugged me
You never kissed my boo boos
I never wanted you to

What type of messed up mother-daughter relationship did we have?
You defined our detachment
You made us this way
I obeyed your deranged relationship rules  
You never once told me you loved me
I never knew that word existed until I was older

You *****!
You never played with me
I'm still furious
You were never there
When I needed you
You did nothing a mom was supposed to do
You did not protect me
You did not give me a safe place to live
You beat me
You rejoiced in torture games
You varnished my body
To the ground you stood on
Making me feel less than human
Your mouth detonated bombs inside my ears
Exploding in isolation
I'm still cleaning up the debris it left behind
You neglected me every day
All you cared about was your drugs
Oh, and your men..

I remember you shoving me into the wall
Making an imprint of my body
I looked down to see
Your fingers tightly grasped around my collar
As I stared at your hands
I sadly watched you let go
You let me fall into the hole in the wall
Made by my body
And walked away
Never looking back
So I had to crawl myself out
And sweep the chalky dust off
A ghost lost in existence

I hate that I am angry right now
My heart is racing
Not hurting, just racing
I am closing my eyes in disgust
That’s what I feel for you
You left me for dead so many times
Begging for the ****
To end my suffering
But I always woke up
Fighting for my life in your hell

You were filled with poison and illness
I hate that I come from evil
I hate that you gave birth to me
I hate that I was dependent on you
I hate everything about you

I was just a kid
Small and scared...
Did you ever truly look into my scared eyes?
Eyes begging for your love
Did you ever stop to think?
What you were doing to me
Why didn’t you stop?
Why were you so twisted?

Guilt haunts me...
Where the **** was your guilt
If I come from you
Why am I so sensitive?
Guilt ridden?
Aware of basic principles ~ right and wrong
Where were your principles?
I don’t know....................

How did you get away with it for so many years?
I was left to fend for myself
I was starving
The pain in my stomach
The embarrassment of being so small
Broken bones...
Shattered heart
Why didn't you hold me?
Just once

You always told me I was your least favorite
The ugliest
I believed you
I couldn't look in the mirror without hating my flaws
Even when I was older
I didn’t look for my reflection
Especially if someone else was looking in the same mirror
I would notice all their beautiful features
Heightening the ugliness in my face
I would compare their faces to my hideous one
You manipulated me
Mind-****** me into seeing a beastly image
I still sometimes struggle with this
Despite how beautiful people say I am
I make an effort to believe them
But I do wonder and question it

You hid in your room
Only came out to hurt me
You tortured me like a prisoner of war
Knocking me out
Left me in a puddle of blood
Asked me to clean my mess
When I woke up confused
Blood lingered in my mouth
Swallowing  
Instead of rejecting
It happened so often
I got used to *drinking it
Grew to like the taste
Biting and chewing on the insides of my mouth
Until I tasted blood
Became my daily routine

You kicked in my ribs
Kept me up for nights
You threw me around like a rag doll
But I wasn’t your only target
I watched you assault my little sister
Trying to defend her
Getting your anger directed towards me
Sometimes it worked
But sometimes…
I had to helplessly squint in pain
As you beat the **** of her

Why were you filled with such anger?  
Hatred in your soul-less eyes
Smiling in my suffering
The satisfaction you had every time you hit me

You thought my boyfriend was cute
So you decided to take him
You wanted to make sure I had nothing
You never got me a birthday cake
Or even acknowledged my birthday
I had to sneak into your wallet
To find my Medicare card
To know when my birthday was

You never did anything nice for me
Except once
One pathetic time
I have one nice memory of you
That’s on you

Sometimes…
I think of an alternate ending for you
I wonder how life would be for you and me
If you were still alive
Would you have cleaned up your act?
Made an effort to be a mother?
Would I forgive you
If you changed into a kinder, caring person
I’m still not sure
A part of me hopes I would
While another part of me hopes
I would have disowned you
I didn’t forgive my father
I am happy he isn’t in my life
So I most likely would have done the same to you

I escaped you at the age of fourteen
You died when I was sixteen
You were ***** and beaten to death
How brutal is that
Was that karma?
No way!
No one deserves to die that way
I hate that you died that way
I went to your funeral
It was surreal.
My momster was gone
Forever

I guess I should say thank you
For teaching me four important life lessons

You taught me how be to independent
Which helped in my success  

You taught me about the destructive pitiful life of drugs
Which helped me stay away in my weakest moments

You taught me to hate a life of poverty
Which helped me pursue an education

You taught me about the effects of child abuse and neglect
Which helped me gain empathy for others

You always told me I was nothing....
Ask anyone in my life today
They will tell you the exact opposite
I AM your perfect contrast
You were nothing!!!!
Not me
I made something of myself
Trying to prove you wrong
Your belief that I was a loser
A nobody
A worthless dumb-***
The right push
I needed to rise above your abuse
Driving me to succeed

Thank you for never believing in me
Turns out
I didn't need you after all
You did not raise me
I raised myself
I taught myself
You didn't break me
You made me stronger

© Jl 2016

As the spring leaves wet

As the summer skies set

As the autumn flora glows

As the winter breeze blows

Capture The Moment

Seize it
Hold it
Own it




Within the seconds  
You exist solely alone
assemble a creation
all for your own

Take part in the Moments
you always wish to Cherish
Abide to it's Serenity
on Throne or in Parish

Remember in strife
The power of These Moments
and
they shall forever be

Not Only a gateway or passage
but
a Place where your Soul
can soar Forever Free

Close your eyes, do not look
The world is just a dangerous room
Learn not to hear, don't use your ears
Be numb with those wicked tongues that bloom

Hug me tight, do not move
I'll keep you free from any harm
For I could give you what you need
You are safe here in your mother's arms

Tears now flow, come like rain
Wash my heart from all these pains
I see the dark skies over me
No sun, no light, no rays I see

I miss my voice
I miss my voice so much
I would write it a letter
but would not know where to send the letter
or who I should send it to
To My Voice Care Of...........?

Being happy
with the present
Is being hopeful of tomorrow

I didn't wake up one morning
     make a conscious choice
             to be a *****....
First -
I gave my heart
      It was used to clean excrement from your rear....
I ventured so far as to trust
     Your knives are still in my back....
I was kind
     you interpreted weakness....
I cared
      totally unappreciated
I empathized
      your need became insatiable....
After 20 years I finally said
    **** it....
Naturally,
       I'm the *****....
No my dear
        I simply act like you!