My list of goodbyes for this year
Have been extensive and excruciating

I've lost more than I've gained

Every goodbye was difficult
Tearing at the hem of my humanity
My sanity

I've lost more than I've gained

I feel so much older and harder
Yet none the wiser
Just More broken

I feel I like I've lost

Every goodbye is etched into the crevice
Of my ever in creasing in stone hardening heart

And yet it weeps
for what it refuses to let go

Ive lost

If it’s me, that they malign
Should it hurt, if I don’t know
If it’s them, that I despise
Does it, on my face then show

If I say I will, but don’t
Should it bother me inside
Does it matter if I care
If my pleas have been denied

If I’m feeling all alone
Would I feel better, if ignored
If I confess to you my sins
Will my conscience by restored

Should I tell you that I love you
If my heart tells me I don’t
Should I commit my life to you
If I know that yours, you won’t
BOEMS BY JA 540

I want to wake up on my tummy with the sunrise
and your kisses down my back
I want the memory to replace the one
where his leaving implied I lacked
I want your fingers trailing through my senses
erasing his fingers off my skin
I need you to be relentless lover,
whatever your name,
you are here to build Mexico city on top of atlantis
and I can't afford for you to fail
I need you to be so very brave,
to evade our monsters to be lust's slave
I'm sure you're eyes are green
but all I see is piercing blue,
and while you kiss me I feel his lips on me too
lover you are losing this battle
between my heart and my head
I'll be sending you along soon
so I can be restless alone in my empty bed

I read letters you never wrote
folded and unfolded
hidden in the empty space
of your leaving coat
I take a drag of my last cigarette
and take a sip from our glass
of old regrets
I listen to sad songs
that mean nothing
and pray for the peace
I know should come
but nothing seems to bring
I unpack empty suitcases
filled with all the things
your leaving told I lacked
I sleep with ghosts
your monsters  
my regrets
and our memories
but what we really need
is just to let it be
I wish I could say
you could hold on
to the old promises
but the truth is simply this
this nothing
that resides
where your lies used to hide
this is all that remains
of what used to sustain

I do not do well
with a soft goodbye
when you leave I beg you
leave hard
You are breaking something
After all
So do not be gente or kind
And I do not want your pity
Give me a piece of your mind
I do not heal otherwise
scream loudly mean things
stomp your feet all over
what is still left lying around
break things if you must
to get your point across
make sure I understand
you mean what you say
when you say
you no longer intend to stay
kick me around some
Make sure the bruises show
leave me shaking on my knees
mascara streaked tears
staining the floor
when you close the door
because I do not do well
with soft goodbyes
where hope lies

I was edgy
On edge
On her bed.
Losing my head,
Feeling dread
Lost instead.
She leaned in
Showed me sin
Passed a note
I smile, nod, grin.
Seventy-six,
A year to quick
She had me
I slipped.
Got high with the coolies
Rock and rolled
Forgetting me
And my wife's
Late night movie.
Met her back
At her up stairs pad.
Had her then
Still have her now.
And still I'm at her place
I got her hooked
From my jamming
With strings, and my ring
She's my honey bunches honey bee.
This is my reminiscence
For my sugary dream.

i feel so
heavy

every thought
is another
weight
on my shoulders

it is only a
matter
of time

before i am
pushed
down
into the
darkness

The sun didn't shine for young Bob
Didn’t shine at all
Mummy drank all the gin
She’s screaming at the wall
Heading for a fall
He knew when to run
Learned when he was young
Bruises only show on the living
Not on the kid for fun
Mummy wasn’t bad
Just sad
Daddy left a time ago
A younger girl
No ties
Now she wants to die
If only she hadn’t had me
Can’t you see
He would have stayed
That's what mummy says
It felt good after awhile
All the pills, all the gin
He thought he heard mummy say I love you
That was nice
Daddy would come home now
They could start again
The sun would shine
Just not for Bob.