and in those moments
when you ask me,
"are you okay?",
there is too much
light
to say no
and too much
darkness
to say yes

I think I’ll
Die inside
Tonight,
Cut words into
My flesh
And watch
The verses bleed
Until my veins
Are drained
Of any remnants
Of this sadness

Or maybe
I will drift
Into a serotonin sea
And drown
Under the swells
Of tablets white
And sea-foam green
To feel the ease,
The quiet hum
Of my heart
As it goes numb

"They're going to see how fat you really are if you eat in front of them. "
  no, they'll know I'm working on recovery.. this is recovery
"You didn't eat breakfast, so the day is already off to a good start. Why ruin it?"
i need to eat... food is good for me. it is fuel
"Food is fat. "
youre wrong
"Am I?"
...
"When you were in that awful place and they made you eat you gained, didn't you?"
yes but..
"You. Gained. Weight. "
my heart was in trouble
"They were lying. You weren't even underweight yet. We haven't reached our goal. "
maybe..
"We can still reach our goal. "
i don't know
"See? That wasn't so hard. Like old times, a lie here, a lie there. It's nothing. "
nothing..
"You're doing much better. "
i feel so tired
"That's from carrying all that extra fat on your body. "
they want me to go back to treatment
"NO. Everything we've worked for would be RUINED!!"
i don't feel good
"You're fine. You're beautiful. You're thin. "
my chest hurts
"You just need to do more cardio"


"Hello?"

"We reached our goal my love. Congratulations. You're all bone. "

Addiction is strange
Years of absence
But seconds to crack.

S u I c I d E
Crosses my mind from time to time
One pill here
One pill there
Only give myself a little scare

No more calories
No more food
Dainty wrists must be good
**** the crying over sliced bread
Just don't eat anything instead

Years of sanity
And a small relapse later
Here I am
The biggest stranger

Sixth grade was the first time I remember feeling out of place in my own body. I tried on a shirt from the year before and realized I wasn't the same size anymore. I felt strange for a moment, then brushed it off. I threw away the shirt the next day. By the end of middle school I knew I was bigger than my friends, but I tried to avoid thinking about it. I just wanted to fit in like the rest of them.

Freshman year I got called fat and decided to make myself invisible. Treated every food as if it an allergy. Lost 30 pounds in 60 days. Told my parents I already ate. Told my friends I was eliminating junk food. Told no one my secret for years.

Gained my weight back then lost it just as quickly. The never ending cycle of starving, binging, purging.
Starving, binging, purging.
Starving, binging, purging.
Nobody notices when I fall off track because disordered eating is only cared about when the victim is skinny enough that you can see the evidence. I have been terrified for four years to speak out for fear nobody would believe me when I told them.
No one expects a bigger girl to not know how to feed herself.
There is something to say about a culture so warped that I get upset by the fact I don't have a stereotypical eating disorder body.

Sometimes I wish it was more obvious, so at least that way they could see how hard I'm trying to be perfect... To fit in.
America, am I not sick enough for you already?

My bowl of cereal
Tastes like giving up
Every cheerio hits my stomach
With the finality of death.
When I'm full
I'm not pretty
I'm not thin
My stomach bloats
And I am disgusting.
Laxatives are my best friend
They'll wash everything away.
Stomach acid
Burns my throat
As I empty my stomach
Again and again
But true beauty is pain
And that pain is my beauty
Because I know I'll never be pretty
But maybe I can be
Skinny