tools are used to fix things
but this tool has broken me
more specifically the man who hit me with this tool has broken me
over and over again
my mind keeps replaying it
the silver metal surface
the pain that had tears streaming Down my face
the bruises it left

He say sorry
i said apology not accepted
he says sorry
i said apology rejected
cause is sorry isnt sorry in his mind
he'll still hit me time after time
so i know sorry is just a lie
when he says sorry he doesn't mean it
he just wants to make sure i keep his cruelty a secret

This seems to be the phrase that controls my life
Why do I have to clean my room
Because I'm the adult and I said so
Why can't have this
because i'm the adult and i i don't want u to have it
why do you hit me
because i'm the adult
why do you always leave bruises and scars on me
because i'm the adult and i felt like it

He's just a  boy
I'm just a girl
He's in love
I'm in love
But I'm in love with him
And he's in love with someone else
he happily in a relationship
and i fantasize a relationship between us

Every-time he hits me
Every-time he leaves a bruise
I feel like I´m losing it
I don´t cry
I don´t make a sound
I don´t say a word
not because I don want to
but because he seems to enjoy it more when i scream or cry

It's amazing what hands can do
they can cuddle you
they can comfort you
they can be used to love you
but hands can also be evil
they can be used to hurt you
they can create painful memories
and most of all,hands can leave bruises

with one blow I´m  falling to the ground
but he forces me to stand back up
and hits me again
i fall to the ground
and the cycle repeats

i screamed when he hit me
he laughed picked up a new object
hit me again
i cried
he laughed
pushed me  on the ground
kicked me
i stopped crying
he continued hitting
got bored
stopped hitting
whats funny is he only uses one hand
its amaazing what the damage of one hand can do

There's always a time where you have mixed feelings
that moment when you're both happy and sad
happy because you have really good friends and people who really care about you
but you can never be completely happy
because there's always that part of you that is sad
because there is one person in your life who doesn't seem to love you
that one person who tells you that they love you
but they seem to be the one that hurts you most
the person who swore they'd never let you fall
is the one who always pushes you down
he'll tell you that you're never good enough
though at one point he told you that you were always going be the best
he the person who leaves bruises and scars
though many times he promised you he'd never lay a hand on you

They say they hate thots
but get mad when you don't say yes to every man who asks
They say you should embrace your natural beauty
but only if ur not fat and have no flaws at you
they tell you its okay to be different
but tear you down as soon as you do something outside of the norms
They tell you everyone is important
but tell you that sometimes your just not good enough
They tell us that us women should defend ourselves
but as soon as we do we are labeled stupid feminists
They tell you that it not ok for a man to violate \you
but defend the men by saying you were asking for it because of what you wearing

They say everyone is different
but is that really true
it seems like i'm the only one who's really different
everything I say makes me seem crazy to everyone else
the way I dress doesn't seem to be normal to other people
and don't get me started on my thoughts
all my thoughts would get me sent to a mental hospital
is saying everyone is different
just a way oof making me normal

fire
red hot
pain
fire
on my skin
pain
once again

I have now encountered my death
Im not actually dead
but everything inside of me is

You know that moment when your scared of something
even though you know that its coming
when your scared of the pain
even though its the same pain you experience everyday
even though your not as scared as used to be
you realize that even though your scared
you are strong enough to face the pain
you realize you are stronger than the person who inflicting the pain on you
because you realize that some day you will get away from that person
or one day that person will finally realize they you
you'll be long gone and they will be by themselves
they won't be able to release their anger and pain on you
one day they will fall down hard
and they will realize the person who was always there to catch them isn't there
when they are really angry and need a puching bag
they'll have to find someone else
because you will be too far away or too big for them to come to you.

There's always a time where you have mixed feelings
that moment when you're both happy and sad
happy because you have really good friends and people who really care about you
but you can never be completely happy
because there's always that part of you that is sad
because there is one person in your life who doesn't seem to love you
that one person who tells you that they love you
but they seem to be the one that hurts you most
the person who swore they'd never let you fall
is the one who always pushes you down
he'll tell you that you're never good enough
though at one point he told you that you were always going be the best
he the person who leaves bruises and scars
though many times he promised you he'd never lay a hand on you

He can see the fear in my eyes
  though I try not to show it
  it only makes him more aggressive
  it only makes him hit harder
  it only makes the bruises on my legs get darker
  but I smile through the pain
  and I laugh inside my head
  because I know sometime, somewhere  karma’s gonna catch up to him
one day something is going to hurt him as badly as he hurts me.

Hope
The thing I hold onto
When I feel as if i’m about to choke
Hope for a better tommorow
Hope for a better life
Hope for days where I don’t cry myself to sleep at night
Hope that I won’t feel so bad
Hope that I won’t feel so sad
Hope that I will not feel so depressed
Hope that I won’t have the same obsession
With the idea of perfection
Hope that I won’t keep trying to change myself
To someone I was not meant to be
Hope that one day I will just be happy being me.

I was happy all the all the time
because this boy was mine
now im sad because the boy is gone
he never loved me all

my happiness
where are you
my will to live
where are you
a good life
where are you

is there someone else who cries all night
or is it just me
is there someone else who could right a book of all their insecurties but couldnt make a page of things they like about themselves
or is it just me
is there anyone who doesn't wanna live but is too scared to die
or is it just me

She stared at me
   I wondered what she was thinking about me
    soon enough I figured out  her thoughts
    she saw the pain in my eyes
   and her only thought was who hurt you
    who made you doubt yourself
    who made you cry
    and most important  of all who made you believe your life has no purpose
    but only I will know the answer

im sad
but i smile
im not okay
but ill pretend to be for a little while