the day
is lost

i sit in
defeat

it's a lonely
place

of fractured
memories

and boarded
windows

there's
nothing
to do

the world
must keep
spinning

until i fall
asleep

it stops
for no one

I think I am dying

Why do you say that  ?

I don't know , I'm lost

Can you come back ?



I lost myself today
Even more than I wanted to be
Maybe I'll go away
There're things I don't want to see

I escaped myself today
To be lost in the angry sea
Every drop is a new way
But I'm just too blind to see

I killed myself today
A dream that wanted to be free
But I wanted to stay
Maybe someone would've found me


What have I become
so many years and tears of guilt
Can I ever be one
With a heart that this pain built
You can see me fall
As I let go of your hand my friend
I will leave it all
And I'll be gone away  in the end


All I wanted was to live
life never gave me a chance to win
As I went deeper into the night
Every light started getting dim

I walked on without a pause
There was nothing that I could do
The road behind got so lost
I Couldn't return when I wanted to


Now every part of me is dying
I decay with every whisper I make
More lost with every answer I find
I fade away with every step I take


What have I become
Just a memory of my yesterday
Can I ever return
In those moments I want to stay
if I can't have it all
I've to let go of your hand my friend
I have to leave it all
And I'll be gone away in the end




I never wanted this to be real
But my dreams got the best of me
And now the wounds won't heal
Now please let me go , let me be

Every breath is like an arrow
Piercing right through my heart
Every moment is now sorrow
the darkness is falling apart

And I can see what I couldn't
Behind the clouds i can see me
I can reach but I wouldn't
Those moments , just let them be

And if I ever get born again
I want to be stronger than I am and i ever was
I know there'll always be pain
But can it find me , If I had always been this lost ?


What have I become
A ghost that may never leave
Will I ever return
In time to find the real me
You can have it all
Every last part that belongs to me
Make yourself a new doll
And Everything will be there but me

home is where the heart is, but what if the heart is broken and lost ?

what then, when there are no roads and no pathways, but a forest with naked trees, and with barely enough sunlight creeping in, to make out the void that surrounds us at all times.

what if a mind does not require a body anymore ?

where do we go from there ?

questions pierce my conscience like an asteroid hitting earth traveling at a thousand miles per heart beat,

evaporating any sense of belief or religion that existed in the deepest corners of my being, resembling a fire that even sun is afraid of --

what if the answers never come ?

what if everything ends before i can wake up, before i have the urge to do something worthwhile with my dreams and fears,

i can build castles in sand and bury my doubts in tiny rooms with tiny beds, but never escape this impending sense of doom that has made a circus in my veins, always to and fro the axis, as i wait for the silence to scream from across the ocean, i guess i'm still waiting for somebody to say my name before i forget how to think,

and i'm still thinking of various ways to end this train of thought and perhaps i'll jump off at the next station, i can see myself from afar howling at the wheels of my suffering for taking a turn for the worse,

it's better if i leave this room before it devours me, i have so much to think and so little room to sit idle, it's as if the walls are suffocating me for fun, every brick vibrating like the bones in my body, trembling in a careless rhythm --

and it feels as if i can never escape from this sadness that has made a nest inside my hollowed body, i am but a step away from breaking down in little brittle pieces of absolute nothing,

i'm so close to being scattered, of crying rivers and oceans of my solitude and misguided birth, but i never do, i never let the rain **** the storm --

i never let the blues paint over the rotten reds, and greens and everything that does not come with a colour,

i enjoy my drakness alone, and i make peace with the ghosts those dance around us when nobody's looking,

i swallow my screams until i'm drowning in my own sorrows, my eyes in a horrific trance, watching the atoms destroy each other a billion times in plain sight,

it kills me that nobody bothers, nobody cares until they're dying, with unrelenting sadness at all times breathing down their necks, ready to bite and drain away the lesser world.

why life when there must've been so much before ? -- i wonder in disguise of madness and tame melancholia, ruined by man made conditions and nefarious activities of the restless and unkept,

and yes, i'm talking about you too, about us, about the gods that live in palaces made of rejected prayers and songs,  

i'm talking about memories, slowly decomposing into dead skin and dusty old book shelves that harbour nothing more than old age and forgotten fingerprints fading away even though the arms of the clocks on the unraveled walls have stopped moving, and the time has stood still peeking from outside the window, waiting for somebody to draw the curtains.

in the cold gloomy room where i've sat everyday for days to come, i sit even now paying attention to every detail, with empty promises and smothered dreams, with voices that echo across the many places inside my mind, buzzing with words that change with every step, and no matter how deep i crawl there'll always be something on the outside that just doesn't make sense.

i wonder if that's how people feel, otherwise it'll be harder for me to explain when i'm done talking,

i'm always breathing the fumes of whispers and stories that people radiate, walking room to room, traveling in circles, and in straight lines that never deviate to accommodate any other shape, reason or thought, always blind to the things passing us by, never turning to see if there's more than what greets the eye when you're looking for something out of place.

perhaps that's why we never leave our souls and wander about in the world of ghosts to see for ourselves if there's more than what we think there is, always believing to choose the lies instead of the truth because we were taught not to be real in this binary world where being out of the box means you're exposed,

that's when i wrestle with the man in the mirror, strangle him and complicate him, abuse him and starve him, carve out his body in my own, paint over him until all that i see, are my eyes peering into my soul, telling my mind that my thoughts have died a sudden death and all there is, is an echo that keeps fading away whenever i remember i do exist, and this is more than just reality, and i'll be better off without my own company,

who am i ? three words that keep me from ending it all, i hope there's no answer.

tired men
weak minds

traveling in
circles

collecting
venom in their
hearts

to spit out the
darkness

in arms of a
woman

talking about
their kingdom

armies of
the world

the great battle
in making

of thoughts of
violence

how it all
ends

this loneliness it speaks

it seeps into the atmosphere
and creeps into my lungs

and i'm drowning
gasping for air

trying to read
between the lines

before the words
disappear

and i am consumed
by the dark.

nor a fox not wise
with claws and pipes

a forests breath
with death ripe


just a day in paradise,
that's all i pray.


no fool for a price
nor a herd for a prize

malfunctioning slight
chocked with parasites


just a day in paradise,
if it wasn't for today.


spoiled thoughts
and foiled spite

caught then boxed
with no air to bite

lost and left,
kept for the nights

in transparent red
herein painted quiet


just a day in paradise,
for the one who pays.


in a stranger's head
with debt of dice

where heaven lays
and the dead shall rise

seven solemn days
that'll never come twice

mourning for prey
by a mornings pride


just a day in paradise,
for a day in paradise

if it wasn't for today.


kissed by the fire
shut with wire

no word nor desire
and made in ice


broken prism's charm
in arms of a lover
born away and in white

doused in hope
and not a dime to pay
no dream nor life


just a day in paradise,
and it'll never go away.


where beauty slays
and inferno hides

dante's meal
and a mountains might

where a valley bleeds
from a pelters diet

melting the stones
and people alike


just a day in paradise,
that's all there's to say.


whence scars bleed
opened far wide

and the hour sleeps
in fear and fright

where words fail
to tell and describe

rotten and stale
fighting the lights


just a day in paradise,
for the one who stayed.


nor a fox not wise
with claws and pipes

a forest's breath
with death ripe


just a day in paradise,
and that's all i pray.

i am in despair
withering in the cold depths of
passage of time
a trail left behind
with a winter to spare
and as i stare
into the memories
that never lay bare
a soul
i am reminded
how cold it must've been
to have a dream
when it wasn't yours

i remember her eyes
the tears
and silence

silence of saying good-bye
never knowning the violence
that comes after
when the tears have dried

so many thoughts have died
in tears
since there was a spring

always burning
always returning
to a december deep within
forever

in her smile
that i cannot let fade
ever

10/8/2022  -  11:16 pm





some took my arms
some took my legs

took my bones
took my head  

they tore my clothes
they ate my flesh

took my eyes
cut open my chest

even my name
even my breath

they took my veins
even the threads

nothing remains of me
not even my death

nothing






@writeweird

Under the bed look what I've found
There's a dead cat and there's a clown
Inside my head I'm wearing a crown
Suddenly why do I feel so cold and down ?




Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?



When the river is up and sky is down
sun's burning my feet but it feels so good yeah
I'm drowning standing up on the ground
There must be something burning someone somewhere here

The time is strict and I'm guilty of everything I've built
As I look back now I see so many in fear
Moments die to gift you the orphaned guilt
As I look back now I cannot see a single tear



Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?




In my dreams I remember my town
All the people that were, still are, yeah
If I close my eyes I can still hear the sounds
Coming from my brain as if it's all here


My screams are weak and my eyes are brown
I look inside the mirror and I feel so depressed
All those corpses buried in the ground
Will revolt one day if they're any longer suppressed


Way inside my head I am weeping
All those holy memories over flowing and dripping
Bleeding all over the floor and sweeping away the filth
As I'm left here breathing, yeah


If you want I'm ready to give you an ounce
Of my soul in return for your loving embrace
I have nothing else to sell I'm broken down
I don't remember when I made home at this place





Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?

look at home,

the night is dark
and yet forgetful

warm room with
bodies sound asleep

cosy air breathes
through the windows

as the leaves fall
somewhere in the future

and a rainy day
is on the offering

carelessly stoking
arms of the clock

it's a shelter still
this warm room

filled with things
that will be --

old and dying,

as the leaves fall
somewhere in the future

for enough springs have
come to pass

now that i sit here
looking at old photographs,

visiting home.

and so it goes
another ghost
down the wonderland

from the veins
shelter on the rain

and nobody knows
if the season
will ever be kissed the same

up on the rocks
far away
where the ocean screams
I can see bodies floating
like it was only yesterday

swallowing the dreams
torn by the seam
on a bed of thorns
a road never walked upon
I saw him run away

this other being
who looks a lot like me
and I wonder if
there's more than I've seen ?

a place more
than where i've been
a red sky
and the meadow's green

and so it goes
another ghost
down the drain

and I'm so afraid
that I'll never make it
to the wonderland
ever again

I remember watching you slowly walk away,
with a million voices I begged you to stay;
with a thousand tears I wished for your return,
yet you kept walking on
everything left behind was consumed and burned.

my heart was ripped apart while I was still breathing,
you never felt the pain I was keeping,
I remember you smile while you whispered me my scars,
you never looked back;
I saw you walk away and far.

I remember knowing you were lying in arms of his,
I stayed awake all night fighting the demon's poisoned kiss,
I was withering without any colour or flavor to suffice;
you turned blue then,
as cold as ice.


you left me questioning my sanity and what comes after,
all night long the silence kept lingering with your laughter,
oh I loved you still then and I know it wasn't meant to be,
while my eyes were raining,
in his eyes what did you see.


you were gone and there was nothing I could do about it,
I kept fighting the air but that's about it;
you left me with monsters and beasts I could never tame;
you Promised me your all and yet,
you left me once again.

I remember screaming because you were stuck inside my head,
I remember how my bones hurt with every morbid breath,
I was locked inside a cage you made with your flaws;
where were you then,
when I was destroying my all.

I remember feeding myself lies to numb my soul,
I remember waking in cold nights as black as coal,
and without a noise you found your way back;
but I was gone, oh I was gone;
for while my eyes where raining,
I saw the sun like you never have.

while my head gently weeps
and my soul is awake

i find myself drifting
a length in time

and there's nothing that
i can do

but pass softly
onto the next moment

marked by days and
months of restless afternoons

breathless nights awake
smoking aimlessly

trying to recall your
fading face and

the things we used to
talk about for hours a
lifetime ago

how is that every sad
thought leads me back to
you ?

Leave me please
Love me deep
I'm about to cease
I'm about to breathe
There's nothing to feed
Nothing to sink my teeth
It'll be another millennium
Till I'll be freed
I'm not the circus you can seek
Nor a dream you can sleep
Not a road you can reach
I'm your god
I'm your slave
I'm anything you crave
Left alone in a cave
Made one in your mistake
Every machine ever made
The life you make
And the life you take
I'm the rotten seed
The forgotten forests creed
Far from the civilization
I abide by my greed
I'm not the one you can teach
I have no soul to preach
No walls you can breach
Just an ocean
That you can never keep
One that will never bleed
Or breed
Everything that's inside
For I am
One and only
No matter how much you laugh.

the wind blew
through an eastern sky
the land was barren
thirsty and dry
there they stood
in the meadows eye
bearing the same colour
as you and I
men were savage
one could hear them cry
wearing voice of the devil
about the world in peril

i have no friends,
and that's not the sad part

i'm going to be alone
in the end,

walking home with no heart
filled with aliens and scars-
but that'll suffice;

there are stars in the sky
and that'll be enough
to keep me going,

as i look at the world
differently, now that i am;
apparently insane
temporarily in pain

momentarily in silence,
as the violence takes over
my infinite soul;

i count to three
and then it's four,

and then i rain,

the moment breaks
for somebody to open the door

and,
i have to go back in again
to let it all out,

and all i do is scream
and shout,

painting the walls with
my voice,
and inking the hollow
in my veins,

breeding calculations,
and bleeding my sane;

feeding hungry air
with what remains of me


reaching for the paint
so i can be a colorful ghost
when they see me howling,
at my gates,
through that one window
i could never break,

and i see,

between smiles and saints,
the miles, and the slain,
sitting by the fences
wearing a morning scent-

a night i couldn't wake
from.

when did you go
grey?

I asked the yellow
sun

I've watched you
as you've watched
me

grow from young
summer

to an autumn that
nests in comfort of
a heavy blanket

worn down with
every breath of the
weary chore

how come we're
so old now?

I'll say it straight
No lies , no wait
You will never be enough
So let me say
And hear very clear
You are very dear
But I'm honest and I won't deny
That you were once
The love of my life
But little by little
I realised
And little by little
It all went by
And what was left
Wasn't enough
I want more
Than just your love
I'm not a coward
I won't hide behind a wall
I'll come out clean
And say it all
'cause longer I wait
More it will hurt
I care for you enough
To not treat you like dirt
It wasn't your fault
You are perfect the way you are
And you caught me in the eyes
But could never penetrate my heart
So be on your way
Take away all your stuff
I will say it once , no more
You'll never be enough

i wish i had a few words
for the things i cannot explain

if i tell you about my hurt
would you tell me about your pain ?

or seek me through the dusk
and as far as the ends of the rain

if i only have for you is love
would you love me back the same ?



of all the things that i've seen
now they slowly blind me

even if this ain't a goodbye
you'll never know where to find me



tears wipe away the slate clean
and with years no one can reclaim

and once i had this dream
where we were young once again

i hope the forest's still green
and that the ocean hasn't changed

if i only have for you is love
would you love me back the same ?



of all the things that i've seen
now they slowly blind me

even if this ain't a goodbye
you'll never know where to find me

my fingers tremble
my mind fumbles
my thoughts tumble down
the drain
my brain goes blind
my eyes start to bleed
with the pain i keep
the hurt i bleed,
and the sorrow i seed
in my ink.


as i write my suffering
to you
always wondering
where you are
sometimes wandering
there out far
where i can hear
us clear, still-
young and laughing,
still filled, with love
for years to come,
but the time always comes
no matter who you are
or what you do
someday everything has
to burn,
the page has to turn,
so a new tale could be told
and that's how i lost you
and that's why this is,
what was, will always be true,
but i never knew-
i never cared, and now when
i'm here i'm aware, what it means
to have a dream,
what it means to scream just
to dull the silence and null
the violence running through
the veins,
there's pain and then there's
this something more,
that i can't describe, maybe
it's just life, i don't know,
maybe that's how it goes, that's
how it's all supposed to be,
but i see you when i don't want
to see, and i hear you even when
i'm screaming, now you're not even
mine when i'm dreaming,
now, i don't remember your face,
when i look you in the eye,
maybe nothing was true, and it
was all a lie, but i have two kids
there somewhere happy under a
blue sky, and it reminds me,
of me and you, and i hope i go
blind before i forget this too,
before i die here without you,
in the middle of the universe.

You say I'm undone
Thirsty , like a fish without water
You say I'm on a run
Chasing sunshine , it Dosent matter
I've painted on walls
A window that cease to exist
And I'm looking through it
Hoping someday someone would fix
These broken pieces I carry
Sheltered in my heart
You say, I'm mourning
Every moment with all my heart
I'm climbing on a ladder
One step at a time
You say I want to reach somewhere
One moment at a time
But you never tell me
How come you know all my secrets
You say , I'm an open book
Filled with riddles I've kept secret
There's more to me that meets the eye
I'm a droplet in the ocean
I'm hard to distinguish , to find
I'm a song that plays for no one
You say , I'm a smile that never shines
I've been searching long enough
And it only made me more lost
In this wilderness I search for civilisation
You say , I love wilderness
That I'm nature , I'm pure like dew
Untouched by what lies beyond
I'm a window without a view
There's a reason why I've closed all the doors
You say , I'm not ready to get out
That words are hard to come by
One never knows what I really think about
You say I'm an endless road
Passing through an infinite space
There's no sign as to where it'll lead
I'm just waiting to be freed
You say , I love being pointless
Routine eludes my being
The point of my existence
Is to be in slumber with no dreams
I'm a bird without the wings
Looking at the sky in disbelief
Asking questions never asked
Why was I made for what I'm not
You say , I'll fly away at last
I'm someone who I'm not
Without pretending , I still wear a mask
You say , I can hide myself all I want
But my eyes says it all
You say I'm different , everyone is
But it's the latter that matters
A hope I silently dismiss
I love them colours , as long as its in black
You say , I'm someone I could never have
I love the calm of sorrow
In tears of silence I hope to find peace
That I am looking for a dark corner
Where I could unleash
i think I exist therefore , I am
And you say i am , therefore I exist

we do things, we say things and so we breathe,
we love things- far away things, and so we bleed-

some blue things, some red ones, and some come with ink,
some done in dusk, some burn to dusk, some are green-

some new ones, and the old ones, and some with the sheen,
turned into a few guns, two bullets- one cold sun,
and one with a dream.

and I do things, i f*ckin' say things, and so i greed,

i brew in ink and then i glue my sins, i sew the smoke rings- and then I grieve;

i confuse things- in a few drinks, and the smoke will be freed

so, I can feed- forever, going 'round in circles.  whatsoever for, sleep ?

I often remind myself that I am still breathing,
that I'm not drowning in the air struggling to dream again.

I keep walking in a hope that someday I can leave those voices behind,
I have always wondered if there is more in my head than just my mind.

I pretend to be human, I pretend whatever they wish for me to be,
I keep staring in the mirror for hours, where am I.. where is he?

I question my sanity because I fear I do not belong to this place,
I am afraid what I'll find when I peel away this rotten face.

my teeth bite into my skin when I'm scared of them hearing my soul,
I choke myself in pieces till I cannot hear myself no more.

sometimes I find myself drowning in the cold winter air,
I struggle to dream again and find myself in a nightmare.

I wish there was more to this world than I was taught as a child,
I'm just one of the skeletons burning in the rotten pile.

I draw shapes to my scars in order to find the meaning of my pain,
I do not feel anything anymore until I hurt myself again.

I'm burning within my cold skin, I am ready to ignite,
I see all these people walking who aren't even alive.

I wish I could take a life, I wish I could be better than this,
I know there is more but the dessert mean nothing to a fish.

I am fading away into the stark darkness that follows our lives,
I often remind myself that I'm breathing,
but I am not alive.