When I started talking to you in August.
I had this feeling I was going to be with you.
The feeling wasn't visible enough to grasp yet though.
Then I began to care for you.
We hung out, got along, and with such sweet lips we shared out first glorious kiss and I fell for you.
So hard that even my scraped knees and broken toes couldn't keep me from your embrace.

And the reason I want to live in the wild
is because the
cruelty
everyone spends a detailed amount of time trying to
shove down other people's
throats
perfectly, and knowingly
trying to make them feel like ****.
It is especially astonishing when they greet you with a kind smile and act as if they are your friend.

I wore his boxers to sleep, that he let me keep, and when I dreamt, it’s what made me weep, for when I woke up, it was all gone, reality paraded back into my head, and I raised my fist and hit my pillow, because wow 9 months it has been and I am pathetic for still missing you.
A.p.

I have to constantly tell myself that I didn’t love him.
I used him
he used me
for comfort, and comfort only.
I’ve only ever loved one human being in that way on this planet. 

And it’s okay
because when I tell myself I didn’t love him
I know we were in the same place.
Our chests were both hurting from someone else
hammering
nails
into
our
hearts.
We needed each other then
but we didn’t love each other ever.
A.p.

Let's take a ride through the streets made from tombstones.
Ages ago.
A little girl with a red coat stood out before anyone else.
Everything was black and white, but her coat, it had color.
She ran through the streets unaware of what the future held for her. That her only destination in life, was to be chosen for her, and that she would be forced to choke on the very aroma of hydrogen cyanide.
Burn
Burn
You saw her then, you see her now. The only difference is that life is absent, and death is present, forever.

What I am most fearful of, is waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to move. Being paralyzed. Only being able to move my eyes.
      
        I am terrified of the dark, or maybe not that, it could be the things that are found in the darkness. Imagine waking up in your 160 year old house, with ancient doorknobs that have apertures only a skeleton key could fit, finding out that the door is locked. How? You are inside your room and yet the door is locked, who locked you in, how did they lock you in? Your eyes might water but before you cry you will pound on the door. There is no response.

           But wait, you are now paralyzed again and still you can move nothing but your eyes. Your only hope is that the morning will come soon and the sun will shine through your windows. What seems like an hour, passes. You are able to twist your head to the side. The clock says 2:04 am. You wait and wait, but surely ten minutes pass and the clock still says 2:04 am and now your head is stuck looking at the clock and you are scared you are so scared, and the door, you can hear someone put a key in your door, the **** turns and the door swings open, something forces your body to jolt up, you look at the door and all that is there, is.....darkness.

       That is what I am terrified of.

I am
In love
With
The
One who
Manipulates
Me.

Your
charming
looks
and sleek
personality
cursed my
conscious.
I was so overwhelmed you saw right through me where as I could merely only see the thin outline that contained what was inside of you.
But my outline
was
clear
which made it easier for you.
I could not see into your thoughts like you could mine, nor was your body language easy to read.
Weeks ahead of time I should have noticed what was wrong.

Being deleted
From
Someone's
Life

Is like
Choking
Every time
You
Swallow something.

For some reason I have aged
quicker
than the normal human race would.

I am older than any human alive.
I am older than the trees grounded to earth by their roots
and the purest water that flows in a place no being has ever discovered.
I am older than Christ
I am older than dinosaurs
I am older than earth itself.


But normally when people ask me, I make it simple by thinking up a random number such as 
1,300,456
you could say I look
young
for my age, but all I can see when I look in the mirror is
death.

That feeling
A churning of the stomach
At one simple thought.
A moment that changed things.

A churning of the stomach
A churning of the stomach
That one simple thought
That changed things

What happened
Holding your hair back on your own.

Be independent
But you can't
You won't
You need them to hold your hair back for you.

Sleep well,
For the past is a
Constant burning plain
Sending smoke signals
Of worries and fears
But the future
Is a sting of wind my dear!
Let it come
And it shall set you free.

-anonymous first love

Flaws


I remember the days you looked at me almost as if I was a piece of art inside a museum. Concealed from the world, from all the bad things. Amazed at what you saw, I was beautiful to you, I was flawless.
I was flawless because I easily had so many kinks that could be pointed out, but those kinks in no way tarnished my true qualities and in a way made me seem more beautiful and real to you.
Starting out far, separate, but gradually growing closer and closer.
We shared an Infinite amount of things that nobody in the world could even guess.
I let your lips brush against my face, my neck, my chest, my hips, and thighs. You let my head fit perfectly in between your neck and collar bone, and when I breathed slowly, with my draft hitting your neck, you let out a slight giggle, letting me hear your voice crack.
Now, yesterday, today, tomorrow. The future.
You do not pertain to my future.
Never do I catch a glance from you, not one not ever.
I am invisible, and you see right through me.
No longer looking into me like a book, you looked passed me almost as if I am no longer reality, I am a ghost.

Great!
That's the little red headed girl
Who's quiet and loud
Talented and joyful
Cute as a button and **** as hell.
      
        - anonymous first love

When I was a speck of dust, I rolled through school halls
All the different looking people and the emotion their faces held.

         No longer a speck, I was a dust bunny now.
People picked me up with their shoes
           That's how I saw the world.
I've seen the greenest grass and the whitest clouds.
          I've seen the beasts of the universe.
I've flown with the birds, and crawled with the ants.
   Then swept up I was, and into the trash.

I tried to forget
But you grew roots around my ribcage
And sprouted flowers just below my collarbones
All day I pluck their petals
But I have not yet ascertained
Whether you love me
Or not.

The last breath of a woman,
The last words that she spoke
So important to her
   It was like a roller coaster of love, with good times and bad, and it was great while it lasted

The words of the man
Laying next to this woman,
The thoughtful words that he spoke
   It is the best for everyone, no more pain, for we will be free and so will our loved ones.

They rose their hands holding daggers
They gracefully dug into eachother
They were free now.

No more pain, for they... will be free

There is a light
At my lady's window.
A light so loud, that it, itself manifests
Into the road, where people know,
That someone is awake.

There lay her body
So still
So beautiful.
Still breathing
The only thing that kept
Her from getting up was depressing, and sad,
And although you don't know this woman
You would feel great remorse.

Your love was sprinkled upon her like delecate raindrops from the sky, and though she wasnt as elegant as the others, your heart belonged to the girl with red hair, and blue eyes, and who's head was half shaved.

She prohibited your actions, yet you were patient, and proximity grew closer.
You always showed how genuine your feelings for her were, which made her feel special.
Your intentions were never to hurt her, and for a while you didn't, but the time came, and you messed up, and your loyalty to her became nothing but a lie.
Now that girl, who supposedly had the heart belonging to you, lays in her bed in the dark, afraid to come out, not wanting to get hurt.

A tall lanky man stood outside my door
I didn't know why
His black rain boots had left muddy foot prints in the apartment lobby.
His dark brown coat reached a little passed his knees, and his red scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck
But all he did was hover over my door.
He stared through the peep hole, I knew he couldn't see me, but I was scared.
Maybe he was just simply at the wrong apartment door.
He pushed away from the peephole, and I took my turn to see this man.
His face was pale, and his cheek bones were high.
Dark bags sat underneath his eyes. He looked dead.
I don't know why this man stood at my door.
But I waited three days till he left. And when he did, he sank right into the floor and was gone. I never saw that man again.

Who is she,
They would ask
A cynical gothic *****
Who is she,
They would ask
A girl looking for attention
Who is she,
They would ask
Someone who is different and not afraid.

Walking down the hallways at school, people always stare, only because they are afraid to be more than just a walking billboard.
Given **** about speaking your opinions, and given harsh judgment for being open minded.
Who are we now? We are greater, because only in the future finally we stand up and say, "no this is not ok."
No more torment, and no more pain and suffering. Who are we now? We are more generous, because the way we dress does not effect our emotional connection to things. We are not walking billboards.

I remember when we first met, downtown crossroads.
          The streets were filled with people shuffling from one art gallery to the next. Jazz was played on the corner of the streets, causing the noise pollution to die down a bit. People listened and danced.
      You grabbed my hand and swung me towards you,  and I realized, just in the shortest time, we were swing dancing.
       We ******. We couldn't dance, but just the fact that you were touching me and I was touching you created  a gate that held back all my negative thoughts and feelings. You were the only thing that was there. It was just the music... And you...
        This "relationship" we had was slowly turning into a war. You cheated and I stayed.
Staying with you was a simple mistake that I had made only because I thought that I loved you, and you made me believe that you loved me back. Every single day since you forced your lips against that other girls, I have been nothing but jealous and hurt, but I didn't distribute my jealousy as much as I did my sadness and anger.
       You, put me through more than I asked, In fact I asked for nothing that involved pain and suffering. I only asked for love and caring.
We had many good memory's, and many photographs were taken. I will never forget the great times we had.
I will never forget you.


    By Audrey Lucille Pendergraft
10/22/20013