My wrists lay frail and bound
on the tops of my thighs
bruised, fragile
all because I couldn't learn
to say the words to
break the chains that bind me
so tightly to the lies that
weigh me down with
every word that leaves
your mouth.

There is a comfort in holding on,
but an even greater relief in letting go
the one thing that taught you about love.

You have to know that deep down inside all of the cracks and crevices of your heart that I will always fit in those fragmented spaces. You want to know how I know this? Because you are my morning songbirds when I wake up and my northern star that guides me home on dark summer nights and your heart aches when I ache like we are in each other's skin. I fit nowhere else but here.

I should've given up on you
when I had the chance
because each time
you come back into my life
my world freezes in time
but yours keeps moving on.

I have a hard time
not regretting things I've done,
but sometimes it eats away at you
like an unhealing wound.

I wish I could say
that there isn't one thing
I would have changed about us
but we'd both know I'd be lying.

And really, who am I kidding?
I would take you back
in a heartbeat,
everything in its entirety.

I'm starting to see that
life is only worth living
if you have the chance to love
fully and truly.

If only you'd bless me with your company,
a soft touch of my hair, maybe
or even just a glance into those forgiving eyes,
I know we did things we don't want to think about
but can't we just keep the past at bay?
I hope you can understand that I would give anything
just to have you in my life once more.

I ache. I don't know how else to say it. My ribs are so brittle and my heartbeat falters. And I can't think of any way to fix it. How can I refill my empty lungs with air when you've done everything to take my breath away? Do I have to beg and scream and plead for mercy, all just so I can find peace? You've used me, left me bruised and battered, and now all I ask is for you to leave me with some dignity.

Some nights
I sit and wish
that stars could collide
with the raindrops
and fall upon my skin
so that I could absorb
the glittering stardust
and illuminate my ribcage
that is so haunted and burdened
with feelings that can
only escape through the light
of something so everlasting
as the millions of stars
in the night sky.

I’m spending more days inside
my thoughts, wrapped in the
layers of sheets, in the creases
of my mattress and I think
it’s a sign that something’s
wrong but I don’t care
I just don’t
care.

Everyone’s always saying that
you shouldn’t romanticize sadness
but you know, it’s actually quite beautiful
to witness someone’s ability
to withstand the pain
that they deal with and I think
that should be celebrated.

We were free like the water
flowing smooth and swift
until we hit the rocky bottom
way too fast
and collided into one another
with such force
that neither of us could withstand
the impact.

I want to write poetry but all I can do is relive old memories and hope for unhopeful moments. How can I unteach the words you've taught me or unfeel the touch of your hands or unsee the flecks of light in your eyes or undo everything that once was between us? If I can learn how to make this happen maybe I could find a new muse.

I took a walk near the lake today
and the sun shined on my face
and the waves sparkled like teal glitter
and I could hear the seagulls laughing
and I smiled because it was the first time
in a long time that I had felt pure, relaxed joy
and it wasn't because of you.

I need to stop writing about you. My god, I sound pathetic.

It pains me to say
it's been so long that I can't
remember your eyes.

I dreamt last night that
it was summer
and you were with me
just you and I
and the grass beneath your back
as I laid on your chest
and we couldn't stop laughing
and smiling
and oh my, kissing
and this all was just too good
and then I woke up
with tears on my cheeks
knowing I might never have that
again with you.

Even after all this time
I can say you've made me the
happiest I've ever been.

I once thought that life was like the sky; endless and ever-changing. But the one thing I didn't realize is that you'll encounter just as many storms as sunny days. You'll feel the rain and the rays reflect upon your skin and you'll experience the emotion of the changing of the seasons, as if the clouds could whisper in your ear. You'll be caved in by the weight of snow and feel the crackling of leaves under your toes. And all of this is the way life is. Topsy turvy, inside and out, up and down. And there's not much you can do about it.

There is a point to
all that I am doing and
it's always for you.

It's been awhile
since I've seen your face
in all that it is --
your inviting dimples,
the flecks of gold in your eyes,
the pinkish tones in your lips
-- and I can't take much more of it.

I shouldn't be thinking of all the
what-ifs and should haves
but sometimes I can't help but
feel as if there could have been
more if we had just asked.

I hate to say this, baby
but we're just clinging on
to the last few bits
that keep us whole
but not even "I love you"
can fix us anymore.

It's odd to think that
among everything inside
the universe, I still matter.

It's the way it creeps into your brain
and intoxicates your thoughts
and triggers unwanted emotions
and inhibits your every move
leaving you paralyzed from
the neck down.

And there's nothing you can do
except take the red or blue pill --
a temporary solution to
a lifelong illness
that will stop at nothing to
devour all the good inside you.

I just wish it would stop
and allow me to breathe
and keep my chest from feeling
as if a thousand needles are lodged inside.
That's my small request.
Why can't I have that?

God, it feels like lately all I've done is question your ability to put my life on the straight and narrow, to make all bad things good and pure again, and with justification. I feel as if I've suffered day in and day out for things that are beyond my control and completely with your capabilities to mend.

You "gifted" me with an illness that eats away at my insides, that tears at my already faltering soul that is hardly strong enough to fight back. I am pained every day with the fear of isolation and rejection if anyone were to ever know my true self. Some days I just feel that Hell can't be any worse than this.

All I ask, all I've ever asked, is that you help me understand why I must suffer in such an unbearable way and why I must be the only one to know what it's like, why I must be alone in this. Because, God, I swear sometimes I feel that you have no idea what it's like to be me and to feel the hate that you've given me because I must hide the one thing you find so beautiful in me from the rest of the world.

When darkness was an ocean
you taught me how to sink.

My head is lacking
the capacity to think
in straight lines and squares.

Please wait 'til I get home
Wait 'til I no longer see
state lines and skylines
because I swear things will be
different
and we will be
different
and I'll sing you to sleep
and touch your face
and love you until
the end of time.

She saw how the angry, greyish ocean
crashed upon the shore
with such fury and disgust
and couldn't help but compare it
to the endless nights where
she'd sit and stare at that
hateful, taunting piece of glass
with a reflection as grotesque
as the image of the waves
while they aimed to devour the coastline.

I miss the taste of moonlight on your skin.

I need to stop.

You know, I know you miss me
and the nights we had
and the times I told you I loved you
and the nights we rambled about nothing.
Yeah, you ******* miss me.

But I can't skate by knowing
I just let you walk away,
right on by.
And I hate myself for that.
But still, things could be like old times.

I kind of miss way back
when you and I were
just us and everyday,
everyday was only ours.

You stood out like
every mishap does
and I could never regret you.
(Just open your eyes.)

We took to the streets --
the spotty-lit streets and drizzle-covered sidewalks
without worries and doubts
living the night on high.

Because you were the ones I wanted in my life
always and forever, through thick and thin
and hours of wine drinking until our laughs grew hoarse.
That's all I could ever want, and that's all I'll ever need.

I'll stand here alone
with my thoughts and the shoreline
just waiting to hear your voice.

Love can no longer be my muse because how can you use such a foreign thing to write such meaningful words?

It wasn’t our eyes when they met
or our smiles that we gave
or our hands when they touched
but our hearts when they felt
-- that was kismet.

You crashed into me,
and as we sunk to the depths
you brought the world too.

What a joy it is
to know that for once in some time
life will really be okay.

My heart is shattered and splintered
it is bruised and battered
it is lacking the one thing that
any human needs most --
a love so strong and pure
that the stars couldn't match
the light that shined from inside us.

Well, it’s 3 in the morning
and you’re still standing
Beside that rain-covered window
And I don’t know why

I hope that you are
Just admiring the mosaic tones
The raindrops give as you try
To stare right through

But you know and I think so too
That this is all we have left
You and your window
And me here just watching

And still the rain pours
And the sheets stay creased
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve noticed either one

If you could read my mind,
I swear to god it would make you
cry.

I can't tell if I'm sad
or lonely
or angry
or lost
because life has been
so cruel
merciless
smoldering
that I fall weak at the knees
unable to withstand the weight
that it has cast upon my
breaking, brittle bones.

I'd tie loose ends for you.

Oh no, you came back to haunt me
you're in the cracks in my soul
you've scratched through the walls I built
to keep you out, to keep you out
Oh, I wish I could've kept you out.

"What is left if you
don’t want to live inside the
skin that makes you sick?”

God, there are so many things I want in life but they feel so out of reach, I feel so trapped in a cage that has no way of escape. I'm suffocating under the weight of this heartbreaking world that I don't know how to fix.

I see your face in everything
-- the reflection of a dripping wet window,
the whispering leaves on a mangrove tree
in the creases of my rustled bedsheets --
I see you in everything I cannot avoid.

Can we take it back
to the evening when the sky
was lit to the brightest hue
of reds and oranges
and lay on top of the roaring ocean
as we glided hand in hand
along the shoreline
even though we got soaked
together in the rolling tide?
Because I'd give anything in this world
to have just that evening back.