I screamed
Hoping someone would be awake
To hear the sound of damage

If not me
I wanted to alert the rest
Of the predation I became the victim to

Because you were the kind of guy
They don’t warn you about
You’re the kind they praise

The one who gets into the house
Uninvited but welcomed
Because you know how to make them smile
Slowly infesting the heads
To get into cold beds
Because you enjoy the *******
You enjoy the art of treachery
The idea of being good at one thing
Feeding on the muffled, “Please”
But you don’t stop
Not until you fill blood in the crease
You’re ruthless, and you’re proud of it

I’m not sure if I can make it till the finish line
In so many years, I’m trying to be honest for the first time

When the sky turns dark, and the lights go off
I run with my demons –away from people, away from love

Its a ceaseless cycle —of needing to be seen but hiding
Underneath the cold blanket of meaningless conversations

It is not something I am proud of -believe me when I say this
I used to be the girl fantasising my first dance, my first kiss

But now I see how I’ve turned out to be so cold and grey
Because life is funny that way

One day you’re fearless and bright, almost reaching the sky
And the next you’re locked in your room, because nothing now makes you smile

There’s a highway to happiness
Beyond my sorrow
I have found a path to heaven

I fill my veins with drugs
Every night
A different sort of narcotic
A subtle smile

For a while it gets better
For a while I look pretty
And the world seems beautiful

Until it passes, leaving me drained
Gushing out of my body
Pulling me back into cruel reality

A dangerous place where
I am not who I am
I walk a different path
I say nothing I feel
Real, yet so unreal

So I tell you I am doing alright
Doing drugs all night
Washing away my scars
1 a.m showers, sounds bizarre
But
Isn’t, if you’re me
If you could, only see

Behind the walls of heaven
Your face
Masking your disgrace

You speak of pleasure
Immortality
All things packed in a wrap

You and your silly games
You, fooling around
As if the world is your only way

You visit us again
To leave again
Hoping things would be the same

Oh, my love
You’re not a friend, love
This time you come around
For your plain defeat
Our lives, hopeless and bleak
All because of you, my misleader
All because of you, my love

I am
But not the masterwork
That you think I am

Silly girl, silly girl
I am not your moon

When I look at you
Don’t look back
Caught you keeping a track

Oh, you little fool
They don’t really love you

A drug, temporary pleasure
That’s what you are, you
Pretty little ‘you’

I’m only trying
To navigate my deeper insides
Ended up causing a fight
Between the heart and the mind

You drown in your own ***** pool
Every time, every night
Talking to the silent nobody
You pretty fool

Is it already the end?
Only yesterday I felt alive
After all these years
For the very first time

You looked like danger
So I distance myself from you
Every time you reach
I run away like a fool

You see
I intend not to heal
But you, my sweetest
Wish the best for me

Filling my blood with infatuation
Creeping into my bones
Too deep inside me
Before I could even call you ‘home’

Piercing through my skin
Warm, persistent -how a man should be
You fail to see one thing
You’re too good for me

This life
It’s like a constant wishing
A constant waiting
For something
I am not sure I desire
This hole inside me
Or maybe
I am the hole itself
A tornado
Gushing
Never settling
No one comes near me
To see my insides
Or do they?
Until they dive
Until they strive
And till —they die
Who am I?
What do I need?
How do I feel?
Pacing
Back and forth
Withering without growth
I am fading away
Like cigarette smoke
An old joke