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 Jun 2014 Anggun Russell
JJ Elias
Whisper, whisper but I can still hear you.
Your eyes tell it all.
You don't even know me and you don't even care. It's people like you who ****** onto me a two ton weight that kept me from walking tall all these years.
It's people like you that ignited a feeling of torment for the unrelenting realization that I will never escape people’s stares.
Days like these I wonder why, friends aren't friends and everything seems like a lie.
“I never asked to exist”, (words that echo through my head every time someone falls from exceptional to unbearable) .
You don't have the courtesy to talk behind my back, instead you boldly break me with your tacks; tacking your words onto my skin, until my pride and self-worth wears thin.
That’s why on weekends I would sometimes cage myself in my room because though I was not free, I was at least free from your gazes, and though I was not living, at least I was alive.
I stayed inside because outside there were wolves and I refused to be a meal. I've seen what they do to their prey, cornering, growling in order to strike fear, battling with their eyes, and then they consume them until all that is left, are bones.
This is what they do,
and many of us can attest to their brutality.
Sometimes I close my eyes
And watch our memories
I have my hands on your chest
Smiling with a heart
That was never more content
Than in that instance
And you laugh at me
And you just lean in to kiss me
I watch that girl, me
Know without a doubt
That your her forever
Her lover
Her mate
Her future husband
And as I watch them
I realize how willing
I am to fight for that back
And as long as you never give up
I promise I won't either
I watch them laughing
Crying, making love,
Napping and eating
And suddenly I see
His eyes
Looking at her
And all his love
And all of hers
All the shared energies
Flows freely and peacefully between
Oh how wonderful it is
To almost feel it again.
I don't know where
        I'm going
    or quite exactly
            where I want to be.

             I just know that
my feet keep moving,
                  my heart keeps beating,
      and there's nothing
              standing
            in my way.
i believe in a love like wine

the older it becomes
the more wonderful it is

the longer it lasts
the more it is craved
Once I had a dream that drifted, scarred and sang and fell.
That echoed through the now empty cave that I refer to as my heart.
It danced through my head where it planted and began to grow.
It blossomed and lulled me into a trace.
You met me there, the blooming buds of roses, red like rubies or crimson blood.
Unlike roses, though, you lacked any thorns.
With all the passion of a storm you blew into my dreams and stole my attention and my affection.
All the corners of my mind were drunk with my affinity and captured by a vague impression of your beauty.
But all roses have thorns and I was a fool to have ignored the horned demons I clutched so tightly in my hands, the very ones I held in my heart, the ones I allowed passage into my mind.
I held the thorns with twisted bliss, the intoxicating agony that was your innermost self.
Clouded by the poison I held fast but like the delicate and masochistic rose you were, you withered in the heat.
The sun beat down and while I stood, sweating, crying, fighting for us, you fled.
You fled. You left. You ran and left me alone in the sun, drowning in the heat,  with broken hands and broken heart.
My hands, callused and scorched are left with holes, holes from holding you despite your crime.
My heart is left with holes, holes from your hands which took hold of it and wrenched the life from it.
Once I had a dream that drifted, scarred and sang and fell.
A dream of us, of me and you, of our flame which ended with a word.
A word, a single word, a word which turned the flame against us to burn and scar our hands and our hearts.
A single word which you uttered with all the passion you could muster.
A single word which took the moments, the memories, the smiles.
The heat of your breath, the touch of your skin, the warmth of your smile, the fire in your eyes.
All for nothing.
Once I had a dream that drifted, scarred and sang and fell.
That dream was you.
Thank God I woke up.
Hello.
I'll not bother with the trivialities.
I'll forgo the lingering, longing stares
nix the stuttered words and long-departed trains of thought
skip the goofy, giddy smiles and tangential conversations
and I'll never utter the words,
"I think you're truly beautiful"
because you are,
and because you are
you've heard it all before.
Late night histrionics have got the better of me and my mind, and out came words. Briefly breaking my hiatus. I'll be back now and then and again but life is kind of not conducive to writing or thought at the moment. Not cool. Ah, well. Hope you all are doing fantastically. =)
you are the book I will never understand
even in my own language--
the points in your thoughts are the score I can't earn
my heart belongs to you
alone, inside a room in a mansion
full of doors with no keys,
no exception

you are the song I will never learn to play
even if I practice from night to day--
classical, magical,
as long as I'm breathing,
loving you is crucial

you are the game I will never finish
even if I use cheat, fair
isn't it, I've been losing sleep--
addicting, all I need is you and I, drifting
between the stars that we both underneath waiting

you are the question I will never have the answer
a secret code with no clue
I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
I'm still in love with you
 May 2014 Anggun Russell
Dia
I can't sleep when you're mad at me,
I feel like a bad girlfriend
Why didn't I try to fix it immediately after it happened?

I guess I should say sorry, it's always my fault,
Isn't it?
But I hate being the one to start apologizing
Why am I always ruining ****?
I know you'll tell me, after we make up, that I didn't ruin us
That we're still us
I know that. But I still ruined something


I'm sorry I'm insecure and I'm still nervous around you
I'm sorry I feel everything too deeply and get hurt by the smallest things you say or do
I'm sorry I'm sensitive. I'm sorry I got mad at you
I'm sorry for my one word answers, that was the wrong thing to do

I'm sorry I didn't immediately tell you I'm sorry
I'm sorry for writing this poem instead of checking if you're still awake so that I can tell you that
I'm sorry
12:45am and I can't sleep even though that's all I want
You make me smile…

When I hear you
When I see you
When I'm with you
When I kiss you

When you kiss me
When you miss me
When you're with me
When you lift me

When we're texting
When we're talking
When we're biking
When we're walking

When we're going
When we're staying
When we're moving
When we're laying

When you smile
When we smile
That's when I smile

            …all the while.
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