He stood beside the fence post
At the edge of his land
Ready to give all or maybe just most
Of the crops he'd gathered by hand.
He stood under a crimson sky
Behind which the purple night
Chased, nipping at its heels.
And it was as if he could feel
The urgency of dark falling
And the day coming to its inevitable close.
His skin tingled with longing
As a waft of the summer night breeze hit his nose.
And he knew soon
He could go home.
And just when the moon
Appeared in the sky alone,
The man picked up a tune
With his lips and his crops with his hands
And proceeded to amble
Leisurely home.

I wish you knew how you undo me.
I wish you knew how you unravel my senses.
I wish you knew how you untangle my thoughts.
I wish you knew how you still affect me
  When you are now but a mere memory.

I wish you knew my memory of you
  Changes with time, as memories are wont to do.
I wish you knew my recollection of you
  Fades with every recall, as clarity is apt to flee.
I wish you knew my impression of you
  Diminishes with the years, as life is accustomed to.

For you are but a shadowed face in the past,
A silhouetted figure encased in the bygone days,
A man I thought I knew and will never see again.

I have good days, stretches of them even,
And stand at the top of my world.
But then a fleeting thought passes
And tips me off the ledge
Into the swallowing abyss
And I berate myself
For thinking I could conquer it.
I keep expecting a magic cure--
One that heals the scars
That never felt their wounds.
I keep thinking one day I will be normal.
And I die a little more when normal stretches
That much further away.

I'm staring up the walls of this abyss
As I tumble down to a depth I've never known.
I close my eyes in surrender,
But my soul, in the midst of its despair, revolts.

I challenge the force of gravity as I fall
With one simple thought:
What is normal?

Gleaming, undented shining armor?
Pristine closets with no skeletons?
A person who is whole and unbroken?

I will never be unbroken again.
The stories I've chosen not to share hide the skeletons that broke me.
I will never be whole as I once was.
The scars that line my arm bear testament to that fact.

And that...
That is normal,
For every human has their own
Definition of normal.

The fall suspends and I'm in the Fifth Dimension.
And suddenly I know I'm in control.
I'm in control because whoever I am is normal.

I open my eyes and I'm back on the top of my world.

I bet you don't know
How I waited for you
To come home,
Scared I'd never see you again.

I bet it never occurred
To you that I was frightened
Of how quickly
Your eyes would turn black.

I bet you don't understand
Why I had to go to bed
After I heard everyone
Come home and the front door lock.

I bet you didn't hear
Me wake up hours earlier
Than everyone else
So I could make sure everyone was still there.

I bet you don't know
What is was like
For me growing up
As your daughter.

I bet you don't know
What it is like
For me as an adult
Without a mother.

Every time you walked out
Because you were angry
At my dad or me or my sisters
I sat by the front window.

Every time I saw your eyes
Go from greenish blue
To cloudy black
I steeled myself for the beating.

Every time I went to bed
I prayed to God
That if He was good
My family would come home safe.

Every time I woke up
I went from bed to bed
Checking that my family
Was still there and alive.

Growing up I was
Proud and honored
When people would say
"You're HER daughter!"

As an adult now
I avoid any talk of you,
Association with you,
Knowledge of you.

It was good,  
For the most part
"Basically good,"
Having you for a mother.

Even though missing you
Hurts my heart every day,
I have to say resoundingly,
"Not being abused feels better."

I was just beginning to reconsider
Your current status in my life.
I've kept you at the edge, the periphery,
For quite a period of time now,
And I was starting to think
Maybe I had made a mistake.
Then you used me again
And it all came crashing back...

The way you'd ask me to dinner
Then show up three hours late. No apology.
The way you'd ask me to do you a favor,
Then never say, "Thank you." Not once.
The way you'd promise I was your family,
Then refused to talk to me. Not ever.

At first I thought it was me:
I wasn't good enough,
I have horrible personality inadequacies,
I'm not worth anyone's love,
And some days, I still think all that's true.
But some days, I realize
It's not just me.

You never thought about how I felt
Sitting alone at the restaurant
Waiting for hours for you to show up
Only to give up and order and eat alone.

You never thought about how I felt
Letting my guard down one more time
Because you felt lonely, needed a friend,
But no one else was around to support you
So you asked me to give you another chance,
And I would knowing that you wouldn't know
How big a risk I was willing to take
To open my heart to you again
Because, well, it was you.

You live your life according to the motto:
Some people were meant to come in
And go out of your life;
They weren't meant to stay.
But I don't think you know how lame
Of an excuse that is for you to just leave
People behind when you've finished using them.

You are not the kind of person
Who supports and loves and cares.
You use and leave and take for granted.

So the next time you call and ask a favor,
I'm going to say, "sorry, wrong number.
There's no one here who can help you."

Tell me,

When children lay dying
In muddied dusty streets
In a place so far removed
From the world you've hewn
A niche all for yourself
And your loved ones,
Do you pity them?

Tell me,

When bombs fall in the night
Filling children, women, and men with fright
For their meager yet worthy lives
Apt to be cut short before their time,
Do you sympathize?

Tell me,

When the man on the street
With one hand and no feet
Shakes a half empty cup
Begging for your money to sup
On something more than handouts
At the local shelter,
Do you drop your high-held nose and also a few coins?

Tell me,

When the neighbor girl
Walks past your door
On a triple-digit summer day
In long sleeves and heavy pants,
Do you stiffen with concern
That mottled skin might lie beneath
Her carefully constructed facade?

Tell me,

How close to home
Must tragedy strike
Before your eyes
See humanity?

Must it be your best friend on drugs
Or your mother with her whiskey
Or your brother with his guns
Or your daughter with her cuts,
Or even yet all of them dead
Because of their sins and addictions
That kept them
From living instead of merely surviving
Until one day they threw in the towel
And now you can't follow.

Tell me,

What will it take?
For us to see humanity.

Your words were
Believable
And I,
I trusted you.
But you were
A liar
And you
You conned me too.
You took all that I had and left me

Broken.

Your eyes are incredulous,
Unsympathetic, and just a touch doubtful.
But why wouldn't you be?
You never lived through anything
That would bring you to such darkness.
So I don't blame you for not understanding.
And I'll do my best to keep it
From ever touching you,
For I would not even wish this depression
On my most mortal enemy.
It's an unavoidable riptide of despair
That hits like a bullet train at full speed
With absolutely no ****** warning
And takes you out to a black sea
Where you fight with every limb
To keep your head above the waves
That keep crashing down and pressing up
Until every fiber of your body and soul
Are drained of endurance and will,
So you stop kicking and flailing
And find yourself lying on your back
Floating on the top of the water,
And for a second you have peace
Because the waves are crashing
But the fight is over, the struggle is over,
And slowly you let yourself sink
Into the cold arms that have been drawing you closer.
And the last thing you see
As the light above fades into the shimming drink
Is the nothing that has been your constant friend.
So don't ask how I'm doing.
Don't inquire after my health.
For to tell you would be to ask you to risk
Life and limb to jump in after me
To save my broken soul from sinking any further.
And don't you know?
I'm too far gone for you to save.
I'd rather see you standing on solid ground
Than swimming after me.
I'd rather save you and see you keep
Your doubt and disbelief
Than ever truly understand
What my depression is to me.

The ache is old
And deep-seated
And cold
And numbing
And uncontrolled
And heavy
And bold.

It hits as if Thor's hammer is
Striking his enemies who have somehow
Taken up residence
In my heart.
And he must obliterate them.

I wish the doctors could find a way to fix this.
But it seems they are as lost as I.

So I greet this ache as I would Death:
An old friend,
Yet one I had hoped to be far less aquatinted with.

This ache is old,
As old as I.
And it always will be.

I go back
To the place that molded me
Shaped me into who I am today.
The trees are so much taller
And I stand before them
That much straighter.
The paint that stuck in my memory
Of faded white and grey-blue trim
Is fresh and spotless and perfect,
Like the mask I painted
On my own face in the mirror that morning.
The grass I spent countless childhood days
Mowing and trimming and ****-whacking
Is manicured by professionals now.
And a different girl sits on the roof
Making her own memories.
We stare at each other in silence
Committing the other's features to memory.
Then with the slightest of nods in her direction,
I'm turn on my heel and gone.
You see I've been lost for awhile now
In this world we all must make our home.
And I thought that maybe by going back
I'd find myself.
And I suppose I did, but really I didn't.
I wasn't there--
In those memories.
No, I found myself--
I was in the walking away.

The windows are only six inches wide
And just under two feet long.
More of a slit to the outside world
Than actual viewing panes.
All day long I'd been able to ignore
The traffic that constantly passed.
Yet a ****** of awareness
****** my head up
At the exact moment
You walked by.

And I remembered
How back in the day
When we were inseparable,
I could always pick you out of a crowd;
How back in the day
When we read each others' thoughts,
I always knew when you entered the room;
How back in the day
When we would fall asleep side by side,
Your hand always found mine.

My hand tingled for a millisecond
In tactile remembrance.
But as quickly as it came, it faded,
And I turned my eyes away,
For what right have I to such memories?
They were memories we made together,
And together we should have kept them.
But you chose another to love instead
And so moved on from me,
From keeping any of our memories.
And though it be painstaking,
I've followed your lead
And slowly but surely
Let go of each fading memory from my mind.

But before I let this last one go,
I wonder in passing:
Do you still have that ****** too?
For when I looked up thru the window,
So did you.

Blue skies like a canvas overhead
With painted, cottenball clouds.
Shrieks of gleeful mirth
And raucous athletic cheers
Float on a gentle spring breeze.

But for me...

Thunder rumbles
In my boiling-blooded veins.
A quiet intensity
Settles like the dark cloak of night.
Time slows,
And the world stands still.

I should be moving on, letting go,
But all I know
Is that I miss you.

Today my eyes are sunken;
They feel like they sit deeply in my skull.
My muscles protest much movement,
And my bones aren't much better than jello.
My scalp radiates pain across the back
Of my head, where a loose ponytail acts
As my one semblance of being "put together."
My breathing is shallow and my lungs tight.
My fingers and toes bloated and sausage-like.
To answer a question takes 35.3 seconds longer
Because my brain and my tongue aren't in sync.
I can't think.
I can't focus.
I can't do anything today.
Yet here I am
Faking my way through work,
Pretending my smile is genuine,
Imagining my interest is sincere,
Acting like I've got enough of it together
To be a part of normal society
Instead of locked up in the ****** bin
Where I'd be more at home
With all the other crazies
Raving about this or that or nothing at all,
Because don't you know I'm one thin thread
Away from completely losing my mind...
But I still want to be part of your world:

Up where you walk on your legs
With your head high in the sky,
No vestige of doubt that you belong
In a happy carefree life.

Up where you sing tunes in major chords
With voices loud and proud,
No hesitation of depression stilting
The vibrato of your bravado.

Up where everyone is put together.
Up where everyone is whole.
Up where everyone smiles and means it.

I want to mean it too
One day...

By some twist of fate
Your old bedroom is now mine.
It's been completely redone though.
All the holes from the nails
That held up your favorite posters
Are puttied up and painted over.
The carpet I accidentally melted a hole in
When I was trying to burn away
The memories of our painful past
Has long since been pulled up
And replaced with hardwood flooring.
I've filled the space with furniture
And put my touch on every square inch.
I've done my best to erase you,
But sometimes at night as I'm falling asleep,
I hear your laughter and see your smile.
And I wish with all my heart on that shooting star
The Fates would've given me
Just a little more time with my favorite sister.

One day when you lose the very person who makes your heart want to beat every moment for the rest of time and you no longer have the strength to find meaning in the simple joys of the daily mundane human life because there is no one to share it with anymore....

Then you'll know
What watching you
Walk out of my life felt like.

Then you'll understand
Me.

A silent room's embrace,
Cast in neither darkness nor light,
The only thing of note
Is the bass drum thump
Of a heartbeat.

Two worlds collided and this its aftermath.
Numbly watching the swirling chaos
Through glazed dilated eyes.

The demons of the past haunt
Like parasites in the blood.
Can't live with them,
But no longer can we live without them.  
Every action and reaction made with this in view.
To guard and protect the innocent
From a hell they were never supposed to know.

Hate us for who we were,
For who we are,
For who we will always be.

But do not hate us for separating ourselves
So as to spare you, the innocent and naïve,
From the horrors and hell
That now call our souls home.

This was never meant for you.

I walked up to you,
You said, "How do ya do?"
We chatted a while
'Bout how the weather was mild.
You paused as if you were done,
Then suddenly began to hum.
Your eyes twinkled as you took my hand
And then we began to dance.
It was that afternoon that I knew
What my father once said was true:

Being swept off her feet on an ordinary day
To dance with him in their kitchen,
*Will make any woman fall a little more in love.

I try
To stop
The thoughts
That haunt
My sleep.

But when
I push
Them out
They claw
Their way
Back in
My dreams
And become
Night terrors.

Nightmares of
Us laughing,
Us dancing,
Us talking,
Us walking,
Us living,
Us being
Together again.

When I
Wake up,
The hole
In my
Heart grows
A little
Bigger than
It had
Been before.

You're gone.
And all
I have
Left from
Your presence
Are these
**** memories.

*F you.

My hands are rough with callouses
And my wrists sore from the bearing weight.
My knees creak as I rise from my seat
And ground is cold to my bare feet.
Skin marred with scars
And a soul just as mottled.
A past with more dark
Than light in its memories.
The albatross hangs round my neck,
And we share a name: Unwanted.

Who will want me?
Who will love me?

I run
Hard
Trying to leave
The demons
Behind
But they run
Harder
And I can't escape
The sound of my feet
And the heat of their breath
Beating out the silence
In my retreat
From the wounds
That fester once more
And bleed
And break me.

There is no such thing as turning a corner
And seeing hope set before me.

There is only the running
Hard, harder,
Fast, faster,
Gotta just keep one foot landing
Then the other.

In circles
I run.

Until the day I say it's enough.
And let the demons just out of reach
Catch up
And steal the last sliver of soul
I've run so hard to keep hold
Of.

I know I'll stop running one day.
I know I'll watch them steal me
Without a fight or care.
I know I won't scream when the pain
Of losing my soul comes.
I know I'll just stand arms slack and head back
As the skies pour one last rain for me.
I know my eyes will close knowing I have no soul.
And I know all this will be my last reality,
But it'll be your face I see.

You've been with me always.
I wish you could have stayed with me always.

But I run
Hard
And alone.

Always alone.
Because no one can keep a runner.
Because no one can love a runner.

Left for dead
In a dumpster
But not dead
Still one breath left

A gentle hand
Saved my body
And gentle words
Healed
The hidden wounds

A nameless face
You chose to stay
Never giving in
To my demands
Of "Who the hell are you?"
Until you knew I'd be ok
And left without
Another word

A nameless face
But I will find you
And one day
I will thank you.

Take.
Your.
****.
Memories.
Outta.
My.
Head.

I hold your hand
As your bones grow cold.
I wish you didn't have to go.

I hold my breath
As yours fades away.
I wish I never had to see this day.

I keep your pillow next to me,
As my own muffles my screams.
I keep your picture on my wall
Because I don't want to forget at all.

Please.
Don't go.

He sits on my dashboard
Watching me as I drive
Much like he used to sit
Under your windshield
And watch the world go by.
He sits there and I try to forget
But he sits there and makes me remember.
So why don't I just toss this beat up bear away
Like you tossed our friendship aside?

Because I still love you
And I miss you.

Curled in a quivering ball,
She holds her lips sealed tight.
Her sole goal is to pass the night
Without utterly losing it all.

Fingers pressed to temples,
Eyes shut with all her might,
She waits for dawn's first light
And begs for it to be gentle.

She begs for Time to have mercy
On her worn and wearied soul.
She pleads, beseeches, and cajoles
For Time to find her worthy.

And when the sun's beams
Breach the womb of dawn,
Her exhausted form looks upon
A new day and a new dream.

Summer turns to fall.
A part of my soul is gone.
I've misplaced my smile.

Dark twilight's embrace
Welcomes the slap of rubber
Worn shoes on pavement.

Nothing makes sense
When heat gives way to coldness,
The heart is missing.

Death's fingers creep
Like lovers' hands over stilled
Blankets. Quick! Slap away!

"But one day her eyes are opened
To see the truth from a different view."

And that's what you and I need.
That moment of looking at our own lives
From a different point of view.
On the one hand, it's *our life;
We're allowed to get caught up
In the chaos of it,
Be selfish over it,
But at the very same time,
Our lives touch and are touched by
So many others' lives.
The reasons so clear to us
For why we live, act and do things
The way that we do
Aren't so clear to others.
And that person we're endeavoring to be
Isn't always the person others interpret us to be.
That discrepancy is what causes friction
That will endure and break us down,
Unless we open up an honest conversation.
To understand our selves is one thing.
To understand how others see us is another.
But most of us are too timid,
Too scared to learn the other side of us.
So we distance ourselves,
Cutting off those who "just don't get me."
But if we communicated,
If we listened to how others perceive us,
Maybe we have a shot at salvaging
These relationships that make our heart
Beat
Soar
Sing
Full
Whole.
This isn't conforming to be
Something others want us to be.
This is understanding we are not merely
The person we make ourselves to be,
But also the person others see us to be,
And finding the person in between.

When will I see you again?
When are you going to forgive yourself? When will you be whole again?
When are you coming home?
When will you love yourself too?
When are you going to live for you?
When will I see your smile again?
When are you going to let down your walls?
When will we be free?

*How do I answer the girl in the mirror?

We sat neath the stars
Until our view was marred
By a layer of clouds
Bringing rain.

We jumped in your truck
In the attempt to duck
Out of sheets of water
And thunder.

It was cozy inside
With you by my thigh
Warming me straight
To the heart.

But it's cold tonight
As I try to hide
In my car as it rains
Outside.

Where rain falls
Your memories follow
And I find
I'm all alone.