You fell from my mind
burning,
the way smoke burns your lungs
and caresses them yet.

I don't know what happened,
it's strange
that at once I wanted to be with you
and then I wanted to be you
but now I want nothing more
than to be rid
of all of this.

It's not you,
at least, I don't think so.
It's me,
and all the attitude I carry
and the fact that your fingers
don't feel right
on me
anymore.

And I don't know how to
tell you this, but
I don't feel like
I'm comfortable
or you're comfortable
enough,
like we used to be.

I don't know why I need
to say this, but
despite our lives,
and despite the fact
I don't seem to ever care
about anyone but myself-
at least, at the moment,
I do care, some.

But I wouldn't blame you
if you
didn't.

I'm awfully clingy, it seems.

In the hours between midnight and dawn
is when the world is most peaceful-
at least, that's what
I
think.

I don't feel peace often
but when I do
it's filled with
thinking about the ones
I love,
or,
at least I think I love.

It's spent daydreaming-
but is it daydreaming
if it's not day?

Honestly I'm still really confused
as to why I'm happy
and how I feel
about
you.

Or how I feel
about anybody.

So I'll just embrace this moment of calm,
peace,
serenity,
and use it to figure out
why I seem to adore
you
and why
I seem to fear
you
and why
I don't know how I feel about
you.

You
are
such
a
mystery

to me.

I love how
despite how illogical it is,
somebody not speaking feels like
the end of the world.

Okay, maybe not the end.
But I get panicky,
I get worried that perhaps this is the end
despite what they've said
before.

You think you're being cute
and quirky and fun
but really they're worn out
by your smile,
they're dreading the next
time they have to pretend to
hug you
and tell you
everything's just fine.

Everything isn't fine.

I can see it.

You've been saying that
everything is fine
for far too long now
when before you'd take me
swimming in your mind,
skinny dipping where few
dare to go.

Where did that
closeness go?

Please,

speak?

It gets difficult
late at night
when you can't decide
exactly who you want
to hold
in
your
arms.

It gets difficult when
although you know
nothing would change,
and it's not wrong,
you can't quite accept
yourself,
that maybe
you like girls
as much
as you like
boys.

It gets difficult
when you question
everything
about yourself,
when you just wish
you had one word
for how you feel
and who you are
and why your mind
does that
weird little thing
where you
never
seem to
stop
crying.

It gets frustrating when
you couldn't stop staring
at those girls
up on stage,
but when it comes
to cuddling one
or kissing one
or loving one
you want to
so badly
but you're scared.

You're not scared of them
or anyone else-
you're scared of yourself,
like you don't want to admit it
when you've felt differently
for so long
and everything
is now
beginning to
click.

Everything seems new again,
you know what it's like
to love a boy,
and you could do that again,
and you probably will.
But you've never loved a girl,
not truly, anyway
but you know you can
and you want to
because
that'd be
nice.

But everything feels new again,
you're shy
with girls
the way you no longer are
with boys,
you're used to boys at this point,
right now few give you
those same butterflies
even though you still
like them just as much,
if not more.

But girls?
It's scary
and new
and downright nerve wracking
and just
so difficult
and confusing,
though you know
you could love a girl
like you could love
anyone.

Because you know yourself.
You could love
anyone.

I'm not sure what stops me
from emptying out
the pill bottles
I keep by my bed
and just letting everything go dark.

I'm not sure why
I want to see that darkness
either.

All I know is right now
in this moment
I'm trying as hard as I can
to hold on

and I know I'll make it
because I have up until now
and I know I'd probably fail anyway
but hell,
that doesn't mean I can't taste it.

And you,
I'm not sure exactly where you come in
considering I don't want to bother you
but I need to hear someone's
voice
and nobody is willing
to let me talk.

Maybe I'll just hold my breath
until I can't stay upright
any longer
and perhaps then
I won't be so bored,
or sad,
or ******,
or frankly
just angry,
empty,
and lonely.

I'm almost convinced my mind
isn't the only thing
wrong
with
me.

It can't be.

I saw the way you smiled at me
last Saturday.
At least, I think it was Saturday,
it may have been Friday
or Monday
or any day I saw you-
my thoughts are a bit jumbled.

Your mouth was full of words
that I have heard many a time,
but for some reason,
those words had a different meaning
than they had before.

I decided to stay quiet
about everything that bugs me
about you
and instead focus
on the bits
that make me smile,

because trust me

there are a lot of things
about you
that
I
love.

But that's not what I'm trying
to talk about here.
I want to talk about how
my words fit perfectly in my mouth
until I decide to say them,
at which point
they can never fit back.

I want to talk about how you
fit perfectly in my arms
until I let you go
and then you never seem to fit
the same way you did before
because something about you
is constantly changing.

It seems as though
everything about you
and everything about me
is jumbled.

It sort of reminds me of how
grains of sand on a beach
are all different shapes
and materials
but they form as one cohesive
"sand."

So how does that sound?
We're like grains of sand
on a beach,
or like a mismatched Rubik's cube,
all different bits and colors
and feelings
and memories,
but we're still
one being
each.

And maybe together,
we can be almost like one,
intertwining stories
and
growing into each other
instead of just growing
side-by-side.

And that
would give me yet another thing
to love about you.

Kiss me.
I dare you.

I almost know
it wouldn't be smart,
yet I can't help
but be drawn
to your
smile.

Let me drown.
I dare you.

Let me drown
in the warmth
of your arms,
weighted down only
by knowing
what's to come.

Hold me close.
I dare you.

Make me want
nothing more
than the weight
of your body
against mine.

Don't let me go.
I beg of you.

When all I have left
is the memory of

trembling lips,

starry eyes,

beating hearts,
and
heavy breaths,

I'll wish
I dared
not to love you.