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 Feb 2016 A Fake Name
B
Untitled
 Feb 2016 A Fake Name
B
You asked me what my biggest fear is and I'm sure you were expecting something ordinary like heights or snakes or swimming at night which yes, I admit I am afraid of, but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is you realizing how big of a mess I am. I get drunk too much and don't sleep enough. I spend more time running away rather than trying to keep the people I care about more than anything close. I need constant reassurance and I don't know how to make decisions. My biggest fear is that you're going to realize that you didn't really know me at all. You know the little things about me but you've never seen me at 2 am when I'm shaking so hard it hurts and I can't breathe for who knows what reason. My biggest fear is that you're going to watch the stars fade from my eyes and you're not going to see anything left in me.





                                     B.S.
Justice,
Was my way of seeing,
The world's mandatory madness,
Until I understood,
Justice...

The sun shines,
On the unjust and the just,
Alike, because to call all this madness,
Is also to be undeserving of,
It's true wonder.

In order to understand,
One must be threaded through the eye,
Of the needle, and stitched into the multi-layered fabric,
Of this bountiful, tightly-wound world,
To see the mighty hand.

When you trust that justice,
Has your best interests at heart, you will not,
Fight the ebb and flow of decisions calling you out to experience,
The thrill and trauma, and pushing you back,
To count your many blessings.

I've often said, "Look at that! Wow!"
And not understood you consider it commonplace,
Because you gave up in seeing the finer details of something known,
Not knowing you didn't know, and not seeing,
What you have not tried to see.

My God is a thing of fire. An inferno of change.
His hand of destruction is bested by his hand of love.
His will of iron is only tempered by his relentless emotion of truth.
His laws of eternity are only understood by the wise.
His home houses only the decidedly divine.

Imperfection is just ice,
Floating on the surface,
And when it all melts,
Endless waters arise,
Washing away our hate,
Our disasters, petty cares,
But bringing them back,
Because once again,
Justice preserves the good,
And the good must rise, too.
I like this one.

It communicates my feeling of "ascension".
From where, I won't tell you.
I will tell you, "There's a reason why people believe in God. A good reason... a great reason."
Hambone, slam bone
Kick them in the nuts.
Smack them, sack them
No ifs ands or buts.
Tap them, zap them
Punch them in the snouts
Jounce them, bounce them
Throw the ******* out.

Some of what we’re suffering
Has gone on for a century.
Some of it is politics
Most of it’s chicanery.
Some of it is current stuff
Aided by the internet
And some of it is old news
We just haven’t heard it yet.

Hambone, slam bone
Kick them in the nuts.
Smack them, sack them
No ifs ands or buts.
Sic them, nick them
Stick them with the bill.
Beat them, cheat them
Set up for the ****.

It’s a game of who screws who
And who does not get caught.
It has to do with bribery
And which guy can be bought.
They set it up so no one wins
Unless they play the game
And when the public catches wise
They change some of the names.

Tap them, zap them
Punch them in the snouts
Jounce them, bounce them
Throw the ******* out.
Snip them, whip them
Treat them all like dogs.
Crunch them, punch them
Throw them to the hogs.

They depend on all of us
To be lazy to the bone
And when it comes to statesmanship
To leave them all alone
And not make them live up to
What they were elected for.
The blame is on our backs again
If we choose to ignore.

Hambone, slam bone
Kick them in the nuts.
Smack them, sack them
No ifs ands or buts.
Tap them, zap them
Punch them in the snouts
Jounce them, bounce them
Throw the ******* out.
 Dec 2015 A Fake Name
Star Girl
Three days ago I started a journey of self help.
I started a journey of discovery
And, I'm not ready.

Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants.
Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night.
Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach.
Three days ago I started a journey.

Why?
Because I can't deal with myself.
I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life.
I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people.
I can't deal with the judgment.
I can't deal with the ***** looks.

I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me.
The mother of the man I love.
The man I adore.
Her eyes pierced through me.
And no matter what, a wound will be there.

Zoloft is not a quick fix.
It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane.
Maybe it will work.
Just maybe.

I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need.
But this world only gives me the things I don't need.

I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body.
I don't need to be told I am mean.
I don't need to be told that I cause misery.
I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship.
I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded.

When I feel all those things I remember a younger me.
A me that was searching for something.
Anything.
I tried everything.
Even God

But there are some things that even He can't fix.

I was told growing up that depression wasn't real.
Well honey, it's all...right...here.

I am blamed by something I can't control.
How would that make you feel?

Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped.
Three days ago I decided to do this for me.
Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed.
Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy.
My hope.

Three days ago I started something.
Just for me.
 May 2015 A Fake Name
Liv
Notes on your window
So subtly appear
As though they came from thin air

No rhyme, but reason
A familiar flick of the e's in everything
Glimpse of hope

A handwriting technique you know well
Smeared ink against the fibers
Calling out for one last message

They seem to procreate every few weeks
A simple one
Minimalistic hopes of something

Nothing more to lose
Just a note on your window
Signed by a smeared "O"
 Apr 2015 A Fake Name
Liv
My God, he could never understand why she watched so many music documentaries, listened to so many eclectic songs, so many symphonies and just be flooded with emotions. He never got it. He never got her. He got bits and pieces of her, yet the rest was a mystery. She was his paradox. He'd sit and watch her get lost in a sonata, a Van Halen guitar solo, or simply a musician along Music Row. He never could understand how she did it. How, even though she was so different and foreign, that she could feel so much like home to him. So close to what he needed forever. She was his beautiful, mysterious, paradox.
 Feb 2015 A Fake Name
Liv
I left my heart in the District of Columbia
It's where I last found love
It's the last place I left my heart

With someone special
With the city

I left my heart in the District of Columbia
It's the last I knew of love
The kind that warmed your soul

Kept you warm
Woke you up

I left my heart in the District of Columbia
It was a silly love
One that sincerely stole my attention

Left me speechless
Gave me hope

I left my heart in the District of Columbia
I pray I get it returns to its home
I pray I return to the place that stole my heart from me
 Feb 2015 A Fake Name
Liv
I want to get lost in the right directions.
Find my way among the stars.
Use my heart as a compass and my mind as a map to figure it out.
I want to feel the freedom when I breathe, feel a new ground underneath my feet.
And, if things go as they wish, maybe I'll end up happy amongst the stars themselves and shine with the intensity of a thousand stars.
 Nov 2014 A Fake Name
Liv
Why.
 Nov 2014 A Fake Name
Liv
Why am I becoming like you?
I'm becoming who I said I'd never be
And low and behold, when I look into the mirror of my soul, it's not me I see any longer
No, it's a slightly different version of you in me
I feared for this day forever
This is not how I wished to end up by any means
I see you in me and it's terrifying and I loathe it
You're becoming prevalent in me and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
 Oct 2014 A Fake Name
Liv
I'm in love
No, not with a person
But with the autumn night sky

I'm in love
With the way the stars bend down
And seem to hug me

I'm in love
With the way the breeze dances by
And seems to kiss my cheek

I'm in love
With the vastness of night
And the loveliness that is autumn

I'm in love
No, not with a person
But with the autumn night sky
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