Three days ago I started a journey of self help.
I started a journey of discovery
And, I'm not ready.

Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants.
Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night.
Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach.
Three days ago I started a journey.

Why?
Because I can't deal with myself.
I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life.
I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people.
I can't deal with the judgment.
I can't deal with the ***** looks.

I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me.
The mother of the man I love.
The man I adore.
Her eyes pierced through me.
And no matter what, a wound will be there.

Zoloft is not a quick fix.
It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane.
Maybe it will work.
Just maybe.

I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need.
But this world only gives me the things I don't need.

I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body.
I don't need to be told I am mean.
I don't need to be told that I cause misery.
I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship.
I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded.

When I feel all those things I remember a younger me.
A me that was searching for something.
Anything.
I tried everything.
Even God

But there are some things that even He can't fix.

I was told growing up that depression wasn't real.
Well honey, it's all...right...here.

I am blamed by something I can't control.
How would that make you feel?

Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped.
Three days ago I decided to do this for me.
Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed.
Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy.
My hope.

Three days ago I started something.
Just for me.

For the first time,

I hate freaking out.
But, I love you.
I hate not feeling good enough.
But, you make me feel whole.
I hate thinking one day you'll leave.
But, for now I'm safe in your arms.
I hate crying.
But, I don't want to worry you.
I hate not letting you help me.
But, I love when you don't listen.
I hate letting you down.
But, you told me I make you proud.
I hate what my mind does.
But, I trust that you're the one.

That's it, I trust you.

My best friend told me, she understood why I drank.
My mother is sad.
My father is a liar.
One sister can't live,
The other wants to live like me.

I always knew drinking just took the place of cutting.
Drinking took the place of thinking.
Drinking took the place of reality.

I'm no alcoholic,
I'm... an alcohol enthusiast.

One day, I'll miss love.
One day.
Why?
Because, I'm stuck in love.
Eternally.
Always.
From one to the next one.
Blushing bride,
Schoolgirl crush,
Artist inspiration...

One day, I'll miss it all.
Because...
I'm stuck in love.

I act as though you can fix me.
You.
Every.
Last.
One.
Of.
You.

I act as though, I'm fine.
I act as though there is a simple cure.
I act as though, if I refuse to say no you'll say.
If I don't say no, I will be fixed.

I erased no from my vocabulary.
No.
Don't call me baby.
No.
Don't touch me like that.
No.
Don't treat me like that.
No.
Don't tell me to drink this.
No.
Don't tell me who I am.
No.
Don't tell me how to act.
No.
Don't tell me how to be.
No.
Don't pull my hair.
No.
Don't smack me.
No.
Don't you hit me.
No.
Don't leave bruises on me.
No.
*Please..