To my brother...
To the brother I didn’t know very long...you were amazing and crazy and truly hilarious. Your wild spirit, though hard to tame, proved to be strong and beautiful and truly wild. Your resilience to whatever life threw your way was inspiring. You never backed down or let the fear of anything keep you back. Though you are no longer physically with us, your spirit and soul and art still live on in our hearts and on our skin. Everyday gets a little harder but a little easier too. It’s still a fresh wound and it’s taking a very long time to heal. It’s definitely not the easiest thing I’ve ever gone through. In fact, it’s hell. The news still replays over and over in my head like some bad broken record that I wish never got scratched in the first place. Your heart was beautiful. Your bear hugs and electric smile and bright eyes will always be missed but will forever shine on and be cherished. I love you and still wish nothing but the best for any part of you and those whose lives you impacted even by just saying hello.
To the brother I want to know...I’m sorry. I’m sorry it’s taken this long for you to know how much you mean to me. I’m also sorry that it had to come to this for us to actually know the other one. So I’ll introduce myself, formally, as the sister who wants to make sure that you never hurt from this alone. Even though it seemed we lived in the same realm but worlds apart, you were still a sort of inspiration. Without your courage or the courage of the one we now lack here with us, I would not have been able to get to where I am now. We fought silently through the same battles, just separately. Knowing now that we fought those and felt the same hurt and individually had to feel the ache of that which tore us to shreds, we both still rose from it. I love you so much and hope that we will never have to suffer these battles alone anymore. Know I am always here for you, no matter what happens now. Though our trio became a duo, we still carry our loved sibling with us always. I love you.
To the brothers I’ll always love...I love all three of you. I’m so proud of you all in your own ways. My heart longs to be able to hold you guys all close at the same time, but I know that can’t happen right now. You are all so strong, so bold, so courageous. The love in your hearts and depths of your souls is something I only hope to be able to have someday. I hope you all never forget that and never lose sight of what your dreams are. Don’t let anyone put you down for what you may say or look like or feel. Don’t anger because others may not see things how we do. Love with everything you have in your soul and body and being. You are incredible each in your own distinct way. You are my brother. You are what I love most dearly in this world. Though one of us has already gone to take over the role of watching the rest of us all down here, you all are guardians and warriors and creators and masterpieces.
To my brothers,
I love you so much more than words can ever say. You are truly such an enormous part of my heart.
On February 19, 2018 part of my world darkened. After weeks of darkness and turmoil, I felt peace again. Ride on, sunshine.