Why is it that we can be jealous of a thing we pushed away?
Is it because if I can't have it,
I don't want anyone to have it.
Let's call it,
Her.

Even though:
This jealousy is unfair;
To her,
To me.

I look into my world
I ask myself, what do i see?
Your face comes to mind
Oh! How I wish you were mine
Yes, I am selfish
But aren’t we all
Let us be true to ourselves
And watch fear dissolve
I want it all!
But I am not greedy
I need you here!
But I am not needy
My appetite is vast and boundless like the edges of space
So will you cleanse my palate and allow me a taste?
Can I taste your deepest secrets?
Confide in me I’m yours to love
May I enrapture you, unravel you?
Let me penetrate your heart with lust.

I was blank,
I hadn't known you much,
Hadn't interacted with you on a daily basis.
It would take a while to understand.

Once in a while I'd think about you.
Little thoughts that would make me think of you,
They like paper pellets hitting a wall,
Effect less.
Memories forbidden to connect with reality.

You've stopped.
All I've left of you is the good memories,
Those make me smile,
In grief and joy.

I smile.
I guess you still live
A bright memory to better my day.

For now I'll carry on,
With the clawed hand gripping my heart,
Today is not my day.


To Wolf

Life doesn't give you what you want,
When you want it.
The more you wanna take,
The less you get.

But what do you do when you've renounced to something,
And life gives it to you,
When you've become afraid,
To reach for what you want.

When what you renounce to,
For reasons you believe in,
Comes back in sight,
The reasons dissolved.

You go with the flow,
Life's put something in front of you.
And you should just feel it.
Don't over reach.

But what of determination,
And achievement.
Why shouldn't you strive?

How about striving inwards?
You always have options,
Learn to surf the waves,
Don't dive, don't try to outrun.
Strive to balance;
It's time live.

What has life made of me?
Where has life taken me?

This body has never been mine, nor will this mind ever be.

There is a terrific sadness in every time
I look in the mirror and pretend to smile.

Dear Adam,
I have missed the spring and I am coming to you soon
The eyes that flicker, the stories behind the eyelids
The heart that ***** in the air
Like a flightless bird that dreams to fly.
Make sure you open up those heavy arms of yours
Make of my thin body your prisoner
Forever
See me for the second time,
Look at me as if it was the first time.

Adam, the ground has never been mine to walk upon
This Earth is selfish, she wants us all
But I am weary, just like you.
Everywhere I look, I find wrinkles
Old objects full of dust
Young people full of lust
Golden hearts full of rust.

Adam, I have been reeking of desolation
Since the day I died
Right there on grass that has never been greener
Under a sun that has never shone brighter
Since I died
Of longing
I have been reeking of desperation
If it wasn't for the books you left me,
If it wasn't for this letter today
If it wasn't for the hope of finding you again
I would have long turned into a portrait
Copied off of a portrait of a portrait
Of a portrait someone painted off the back of their mind
Intelligible and faint.

Adam, the lines on my palms are fading
Drip by drip
The water in me is adding up
And drowning what life has left of me
Poor little soul, good for nothing but the sadness

Adam, I wish I was sad like you
But I am not sad
I am bored,
Like a writer that never learned to write
A painter without paints
A mermaid on land
I am bored like the zoo.

I am coming to you soon.
But I know you're not there.

Goodbye summer and everything that's as clear
I will miss you my dear.


-- Watercolour

You're a dream
That crawled into my bed
And never came true

You're a laugh
          About to burst into tears

What you are
          Is vague
                And beautiful