My final goodbye

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
and
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.

I wanted to know why this happened so fast?

We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.

It destroyed me.

I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.

Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?

Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.

I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.

One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.

It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.

But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.

I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.

You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.

The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough, 
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.

Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.

So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.

This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
and
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.

Sincerely, your ex
-C.M.

I had to wash my sheets again today
Not because they were actually *****
But because the smell of you still lingers on them
Because everytime I reach over to your side of the bed I can still feel your soul laying next to me
I had to wash away the memories of you holding me close as we fell asleep and you kissed my ears so gently
I had to wash away the tears I cried so many nights after you left me here broken, alone and so confused.
I had to wash my sheets today.
To try to erase you from my mind, to try and get a peaceful sleep.
But I know when I close my eyes,
Even if I do fall asleep,
I'll see you in my dreams.
I can wash away your scent but no matter what I do I can't seem to wash away you.
-c.m.

I'm sorry if someone made you feel like it was hard to love you

I'm sorry if you feel like being exactly who you are isn't good enough

I'm sorry if you look in the mirror and hate what you see because someone else said that you weren't beautiful

I'm sorry if you've ever questioned whether your life was worth living because some **** told you the world would be better off without you.

I'm sorry if youre reading this right now and relating to this.

I'm sorry if society's expectations of how a girl should look, what size they should be, and how they should ask, made you think that you were doing it all wrong.

I'm sorry your beautiful soul has ever had to question anything about who you are because the truth is, the world needs more people like YOU.

The truth is they're all wrong.

And I'm sorry for all the years you believed them and all of the tears you cried and nights you asked God why you weren't good enough.

You are.

You always were.

You were never hard to love, you were just loving the wrong people.

I'm sorry they wasted your time.

But its about time you stop hating yourself for not being everyone else's idea of yourself, and start being the version of yourself that you can live with and love.

-c.m.