"There are two types of people in the world," he laughed after a heavy swig. I laughed and anticipated a mindless reply.
"Those who are pens, and those who are pencils".
An eye-roll dismissed the statement but a curious brow stayed in place.
"All I'm saying is that some folks have a certainty about them. Everything glides off their tongue like cursive dipped in black ink".
I thought of where I might fall on the spectrum.

I'm going to excersize my voice,
and spill to you some hard truth,
to tell whoever reads you have a choice,
in shaping tomorrow's youth.
With a tragedy flashing on a TV screen,
telling you how to think and feel,
you should ask yourself what does it all mean,
and question if what you hear is real.

False flag operations have been suggested
and got a green light many years ago.
There's been a few that have been successfully tested,
then broadcasted and produced like a giant show.
I'm not saying school shootings don't happen,
but please look between the lines,
they've now released the cracken,
and we've missed the warning signs.

It's not video games, television or Hollywood,
that take the blame in a violent crime
I've played call of duty and love entertainment when it's good,
and I'd never take a life, I'd rather give mine.
It is true the access to guns are too easy,
for those who believe it is the only way,
but they need help, believe me,
and treatment is a big price to pay.

If you wish to throw away every gun,
then throw away cars, gasoline and knives,
because when someone has come undone,
you can use all three to take seventeen lives.

No child, criminal or soul with malicious intent,
should be able to stroll into a store and say "that one will do fine"
But they're ringing up the price and the money spent,
is just enough to blur each single line.
But what about if and when the time comes,
those in power decide rations are too low,
and they'll grab you and chain you, no matter where you're from,
and decide it's time for you to go?

An armed ninety-nine percent,
is more a threat to them than terror,
so they use tragedy to receive consent,
to fix the constitution's error.
Where it states you have a right to protect yourself,
no matter who it is that knocks on your door,
'cause that knock will come and you'll look for help,
but there won't be help there anymore.

They only want weapons in their own hand,
and we'll be left completely defenseless,
it's common logic so please understand,
you don't want to get caught completely senseless.

Take their paycheques and put it into mental health,
for those kids who think this is the only way,
so they can be taught ways to cope instead of a politician's wealth,
because it will keep happening until they get their day.

I mourn for those who lost those they love,
but don't let emotion override logic.
We all want to fly a flag of a peace dove,
but there'll still be a bullet and you can't dodge it.

The media doesn't run stories for over a week,
unless it's something they really want you to hear.
And they plan the next one to advertise as we speak,
and the tag line will alway be fear.

Do not waste one of the best gifts we received,
a human's ability to question every action.
Look beyond the way it is perceived,
and research history and every faction.
If it's someone's job to prioritize our rights,
don't you think they might have a control issue?
That maybe they don't want a herd that fights,
and instead of a weapon holds a tissue?

I became a girl he didn't recognize
With a voice he had never heard
And I stopped walking on water

I outgrew being his easy girl
His ever understanding wife
And suddenly,  I could do plenty wrong

I learned things
A whole new vocabulary
Ethical non monogamy
Agency
Autonomy
Egalitarian

Words and definitions that felt like home to me
But perhaps they felt like rough, rocky terrain to him

I discovered a love of things long lain dormant in my soul
Poetry
Words
Art
Music
Culture

I filled my life with people who loved the same

I became inspired

Fell in love with the life I thought we might create

And my life became more my own and less a support of his

I started becoming more of all of me
Less just his wife
Less just the kids' mother

I found a girl I didn't know I had lost
Who I think, maybe, he doesn't like too much
Or
Maybe
He just doesn't know what to do with that girl or how the hell to love her.

{2018.02.19}

You love my green eyes when they sparkle in the sunlight after a beautiful day,
But not when they turn marble and fill with tears when I lose myself yet again,
You love my hair when it is styled as I prepare for the evening ahead,
But not when it is ***** from where I first woke up after another restless night,
You love my hands when they are Intwined in yours and my nails are painted on,
But not when they're covered in my blood from where I wasn't strong,
You love my wrists when they're layered in jewelry,
But not when the scars can be seen,
You love my lips when I taste like cherries and they're pressed against yours,
But not when they are cracked from biting as anxiety kicks in,
You love my body when it's wrapped around yours,
But not when the sunlight shows how many stretch marks have formed,
You love my mind when it's dancing with happy thoughts,
But not as it slowly slips away.

Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.