a girl with books
wobbling as she tries to balance them
she cant be older than seven

A boy in the adult mystery section
repeating to himself
"I need a boys book not a girls book"

A mother with her two children
following her like ducklings
leaving havoc as they pass

A girl and her mom
reading aloud
in the middle of the cooking isle

Summer Days splashing in the river
The bike ride down
The wind in my face
My hair dancing with the breeze
I wish
every
Day
was like This

Dad,

Hanging up his hammock
While me and Maddie walk up the river
Making up our own games
And convincing Dad to let us
Swim in the river
Though the current was rough
I remember how he would sometimes
Say
“yes”
Letting the water
Engulf our bodies
Pulling us gently
Downstream

Years ago
I didn’t realize
I didn’t see how quickly
How quickly our world is disappearing
How quickly the water has dried up
Those days
Slipped out of my hands like water
Slowly          evaporating
Slipping from my hands
Dripping into some place
That is unknown

Someday
I will visit this place
The past of my life
The perfect days by the river
Someday.

I'm terrified
of finding you dead
by your own small hands.
Though your hands are
almost as big as mine
I fear
the genetic curses
I have been battling
will hit you
and we wont know
until its too late
I'm scared to lose you
even though you are
fine

Suicide looks prettier at night

it convinces you that
The street lights
Will die
With you

Whispers in your ear
All the things you beg
To not hear

It reminds you of the things
You can never forget
Drills it into your skull
Until it's all that's left

It ties you up
Keeps you alone
Cuts off your fingers
And smashes your phone

It leaves you to sit by yourself
in the dark
To watch the stars
Cry themselves to sleep

It puts on some makeup to cover its tears
And speaks with you
about your fears

You tell it everything
How could you not?
It's so pretty and calm
the night sets the scene:

a romantic night

A knife on the table
And pills in the drink
A noose acts as our light
As we chat about things

You share your deepest secrets
And it listens, never talks
Let's you talk until your voice is lost

at the end of the night
It leaves with a kiss
But your still *******
And you start to miss
The company
Of suicide

Days used to yearn for a reason to continue.
going through the motions
Everything was  

Heavy.

and

grey.

and  

so  

so      

exhausting.

The house was tense
It felt quiet and empty.
Even though it was full.

We were prepared to lose her
But that did not seem to make it easier
When we lost her.

Mom had insisted:
“Not another”
But time had a way of changing your mind.

The day of we drove up
Thirty-two minutes
Felt more like thirty-two years

We walked down the driveway
Through the dewy air
To the noisy shed filled with animals.

A litter of Puppies- five months of age
In a small play-pen
They YIP! and they BARK!
Trampling each other.
Some hide in the darker corners of the cage,
hiding
While others fight for a look
Hope to be chosen
By us.


They all have curly matted hair
Of many different colors
Their eyes are barely visible
through the mat of their fur.

After meeting a few, one escapes the pen
She runs to greet us
Yipping and wiggling with excitement

She starts with my mom

Jumping up licking her face
Wagging her tail so fast
I think her spine might break

Then to my dad
They both smile so big
As she jumps up on his knees
to give him a kiss

Then she comes to me.
After my sister

She jumps up on me
Giving me kisses
Then she goes to run with excitement
From my mom
To my dad
My sister
And me
Again
and
again
And
again.

And as of that day we were hers

After that day
My days had reason to continue
We laugh and we love as we come home
To a wagging tail and lots of love
She is sunny
The ray of sunshine
That somehow manages to light up
The dark corners of my mind
She's the bright to my dark

I don't like to admit
how much I fear the people

everyday interactions
send me to spiral

I dissect your words until
they are rotting and fowl

Hamilton plays in the kitchen
My eyes growing heavier each song
Staff are messing around as if
they are children on the playground
The world around me is moving
but for once i am allowed to be
still

My mind slows down for the first time in awhile
and the world becomes
a warm blanket
Comfortable and dark

Thank you

Seeing sunny play
Happy, excited and free
Tail wags happily

Crying with my mom
After a heavy movie
Letting the tears fall

Existing in
The vast water of the lake
Watching the sun fall

Reading a big book
Full of so many stories
Waiting to be told

Going down to the
Cabin to run and play
Splashing in the water

Laying in the grass
Sun looking down at me
To greet me hello

Small moments that feel
Incredibly freeing
And keep me okay.

To lose someone
while they sit next to you
is devastating

Our brains are fragile
protected by bone that gets weaker
as we grow

My grandma
Is losing her memory
just like her mom

Its not quick
but its lethal to the people
who love them

He walks slowly
As if he is about to pounce?
His lips move as if

Words should be

Pouring

Out

But no sound
Comes out

They say he's a Freak but
No one dares to say “hi”
They just cross the street
With cautious eyes.
His hair is greasy, dark, and thick
And his clothes seem to swallow him whole

No one has ever heard him speak
But he carries a notebook-
Its worn as if
its lived too many lives
No one questions what could be in it

But

If they opened the book
Did not cross the street
They would read of his service in the marines
Say “hello” for the first time
When they eventually close the book


They would understand.

I'm addicted to you in the way
that i can forgot for two months
then need you like my life depends on it

I hate myself for it
but you assure me its okay
and you love me as if it were any other day

I'm so grateful
but
so scared that
you will see me how i do in a couple years.

A squirrel crosses the road
at the wrong         time?
We pass the squished creature
a moment of silence for
a             mistake?

But what if the squirrel jumped
into the traffic
What if the squirrel was done
ready for it to end

He was a silent squirrel
no one knew much about him
he kept to himself
But the day cam of the tragic...
        accident?

They all said goodbye to his corpse
left him gifts
for a dead squirrel may be
less lonely than
an alive squirrel.

If i close my eyes
with you laying on my chest
tiny yet so big
I may drift to sleep

Your smile lights up the room
you show me your toy
a simple spatula is enough
for you

You make me wonder
how wonderful the world
could be if
it became a bit more colorful

if we opened our eyes
to the sights we get to behold
the beautiful blue skies  
And the creations we have made

A child
not yet corrupted
you ground me to a world
the feels like its spinning oh too fast

thank you for that

I can read you like a book
words scrawl across the page
when you make that face
eyebrows raised
Pages turn in the way you hold your body
secretive and concealed
It takes patience
to read you
its not easy
but i can read you like a book.

My chest feels like it's imploding
Slowing crashing into itself
time is slowed down
Its much too
slow

The world looks blurry and grey
Even though I can see
Perfectly fine.

My contacts list looks
Short
Compared to the last time
I checked
And I can't seem to find
A reason to live

Suicide looks so much prettier
At night
It tells you that the darkness
In your soul
Will match the darkness in the streets
But
at least
the streets have lights

It feels like my voice is tied in my throat
The voices decide,
If I live if I die
They get to vote

And I cry
Desert dry tears
Knowing that I won't be able
To take the step
To end it all
Tonight

I'm holding a weight on my shoulders
that no one can see
until it gets too heavy

That pain in your chest
That’s always there
Never completely gone even
Holding your heart

One wrong step
And the fingers holding your heart will let go
And it will fall
And you will crash

Walking on eggshells
But you still have to keep up
With the
Seemingly endless
Expectations

One wrong move
And everything shatters into a million pieces falling into the endless void of the soul and body that is mine.
You start to numb everything
To save yourself
Soon enough
the world has become a black and white screen

You watch time go by  
But you can’t go back
No matter how much the young child in your heart
Bangs at the walls of the body he is stuck in
The blackness starts to engulf everything
Surrounding you
Isolating you
And you lose more than yourself

They make a hobby out of inappropriate jokes
To tell them to stop is to be told you are not one of them
As if
you ever were

You know your paranoia pushes you further
If they knew the would never see you the same
but do they really See you now?

you laugh to yourself
as you pick blue instead of pink
As if it makes a difference

Your shoulders swallow you whole

without your binder
you are naked
and exposed

Their bodies seem to fit them
comfortable and snug
Like a glove

While yours is like a glove
two sizes too small
and the wrong amount of fingers

I try to focus on the things that help
my voice has lowered
and my face has hair

But dysphoria is a funny thing
its still new to me

The house is too quiet
not enough noise
no bickering or laughing

The house is too big
not so many people
no one trespassing into my room

I don't like this
when no one is home
i cant make sure they are safe
when I'm alone

She calls to say she misses me
and i cant help but think
what if that's the last time
i speak to her?

Its rainy and wet and
the day is too long
I really don't like this
being alone

The thoughts of no return come to visit
a daily checkup but they know somethings wrong
they aren't great doctors they feed the thoughts
What if its the last time i talk to anyone?

I need to sleep i need to not think
I need these thoughts
to stop bouncing around my head
Maybe food maybe water
I need to not be conscious

five more hours until i can go to bed
I need this ******* to get out of my head
Sleep is where I can be quiet
even with constant nightmares
Its so much quieter then reality.

Nothing is right
its all out of sorts
I need to go to bed
I need to go to bed
please

My therapist told me
I show symptoms of OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
But I do not have it

My days are full of fowl
images
that spread through my brain

like poison
down the waterfall
of my mind

I hold my chest
and whisper goodbye
to my mother

Only I know of the
fatal accident
that will take her life today

I keep the thoughts close
like toddlers running off to play
If I lose track of them
They will become trouble

I'm used to these thoughts
they used to shake me to my core
they don't seem to anymore

I am scared
But I am prepared
I tell myself

Every time we reunite
my heart beats faster
and my face is flushed
Your texts make me smile
make me feel loved
but the voice in the back of my head
tells me what I wish was not true

I use you when I feel lonely?
Then I realize you cant hold me
from so many miles away

Im scared of what others think
Ive never been
Scared
of what others think
But I feel so strong about us...

You say I'm special and that I make you happy
yet I hurt you over and over again
It makes me want to pull my hair out of my skull
I wish you would tell me how miserable I am

I want to believe you love me
but the people of the past haunt me
I want to be your one and only

I want to be able to say all these things that hurt
what if someone who
Can
hold me
comes along?
I don't want to love you now because I wont
be able to deal with the pain of choosing
But a man who really loved
would not have to choose?
But I know I love you.

I want to know everything you love
I want to make you smile
I want all these things to last
But Im scared I wont make it another mile

I'm better now
My skin is healed
Only scars remaining

I'm better now
I take a few too many
Medications

I'm better now
It's... Easier to smile
My heart is more open to your love

I'm better now
I still think of suicide everyday
Consider who would miss me

I'm better now
When I drop the glass
I am suddenly worthless

I'm better now
Bees buzz in my ear
Tell me lies as they look in my eyes

I'm better now
I prepare for you to die
Because you never know...

I'm better now
Flashes of blood and gore
Will spot my vision

I'm not as bad now
I need to remember
How bad it was before
To remember how good I am now.

I hate you all
But I think I hate myself more?

I need your love
I adore you with my heart and soul...

My mind is a traitor
Do not listen.

I should stay alone in my room
Until this passes.

Please leave me be...
Don't leave me to die with this traitor

I know I've been rude
I swear I didn't mean it...

I hate you all
It's not true

I can't help it
I hate myself too.

I remember this nightmare
from years ago
it still haunts me

I'm out of breath
Running
Running
  Running
Something is following me
I run through the halls
of a small
orphanage
Kids watching me as if
I have gone crazy

I burst through the back door
scramble into
A abandoned school bus?
and hide behind one of the seats

Suddenly my Dog is next to me
And a woman with hair made of fire
Is holding a gun to her
She says nothing but I know
its my dog or the orphans

The next thing I know
The fire haired woman is gone
and I hear gunshots
and screams

I keep telling myself that
I'm not hiding the past
I don't even know if I'm lying to myself anymore
why is it so scary to tell someone that i was once
a girl?
I still freeze in the men's bathroom
I'm trying to tell myself I'm not a fraud
Internalized transphobia slows down the movement
how can I be proud and
so scared?
I feel like I must hate my body more
I need to not like it to justify
my identity
and my world
But I don't my body feels to delicate to hate
even if it isn't mine i don't want to make it
cry?
My body has scars that will never go away
I have a chest that is not so comfortable for a boy
Why is it so hard to say I'm trans?
I'm proud of who i am
I swear I'm not hiding
the past?