Let's take pictures
Not together
But of each other
So when you look at the picture
You remember the moment
Not because you see me there
But because you relive the moment
All over again

I love how you concentrate on it
Even when you are not seeing a thing
How you scream out
Not sure if it's joy or frustration
How you move through phases
In minutes or even seconds
How one minute you laughing out loud
And the next you got tears flowing
How you make rules
Even about meals and mealtimes
How you smile
When your clothes are being taken off
And how you're all grumpy
When the same clothes are put back on
And your incredible ways of saying no
Lovely, isn't it?

How amazing
The trust you have for me
Even after I dissapoint

How incredible
The love you have for me
Especially in my angriest moments

How lovely
The way you hold on to me
When my attention is miles away from you

The way you get under my skin
The way your actions graze my nerves
With every little thing you do

The way you touch my heart
The way I beam with pride
With every small progress you make

The way I struggle
The way I gather patience
With each button you push

How fulfilling it is
To achieve that progress
In the smallest measure
In the largest proportion

It's not just love
But unconditional love
It's not just commitment
But undying commitment

I looked at her as she spoke
With so much confidence
Laughing and making sarcastic jokes
Unaffected by my presence
Not caring that I was new to her
Not caring that she didn't know my name
****, why was I even caring?
Wasn't I just a stranger among her friends?

I'd seen her as she walked by
On a morning I didn't wanna be up
On a day I didn't have motivation
I barely gave her a glance as she said hi
Then I'd had an urge to look again
But she was gone
I couldn't understand my feeling then
I had never wanted more than a hi before

But I'd wanted more from her
I'd wanted to hear her speak again
I'd wanted to look at her messy hair
Which she'd hidden with her beanie hat
I wanted to really see her
More than behind the camera lens

When I conversed with her
She gave me something I needed
Something I didn't know I needed
She gave me the reason for dragging myself
From my bed and from my misery
To come meet her that day
Without knowing I would leave happy
She gave me a dose of short and sweet
A weekend I wished could last longer

I liked her before I knew her name
I loved her when she challenged me
Harder when she pushed me to love
I knew I was in too deep as she said
"Isn't it the best feeling ever? "
I fell in love as I said goodbye
I gave her my heart silently as she left
Not knowing whether I'd see her again

These nights, I hate
Tonight is one of those nights
I have tears flowing out of my eyes
Instead of closed eyelids
When you're ruling like a little tyrant
When your little adorable self is nowhere in sight
And I'm managing the worst emotion

These nights are a test of my patience
They are a measure of my ability to stay focused
They are a test of my ability to stay sane
In the midst of the madness
That is my overwhelming emotions
They are a test of my ability to put you first
Not that I do have another choice
At times I can control it
Other times it gets too much
Sometimes I cry too much
Other times I just stare at you blankly
I want to ask you why you can't just let me
Get this precious thing I've waited all day to have
But I can't. Because you can't.

Then after several minutes, or hours
Of a mixture of self control and overreaction
I get what I wanted
I guess when you have to do things alone
You learn to wade through the mud that is your emotions
You learn to be strong in your weakness
You learn to give yourself a pat
You learn to encourage and admonish yourself
Because only you, can make yourself better
Or worse
And tonight, I choose better.

It all started with passion
And then your decisions
Ones that were very selfish
But look where that brought me

I've learnt so many things
It has taught me to love
Not just love, but unconditional love
It has taught me selflessness
I've learnt to give precedence
Someone else's needs over mine
It has shown me beauty
That within and that which I created
I have learned resilience
After crying so many times
I've learned it's okay to cry
I've learned to face my feelings
To check my actions before I take them
To be rational
Even when my feelings attempt to cloud judgement
To persist
Even when the going gets tougher

The best thing about it all
Is I learned it the hard way
And that's what makes it all beautiful
That wouldn't have happened
If you had stayed
And kept lying to me

Sometimes you irritate me
But I can't tell you
You will tell me how I'm not entitled
To an opinion about my parent's behaviour
You will tell me how I should do anything you say
Regardless of what I actually want
Sometimes you do things
Or don't do things
But I can't ask why, or why not
You will tell me how other things are more important
You will tell me that I shouldn't question you
Or that that's being extravagant
While the truth is that you can afford it
You will not admit your mistakes
You will not admit that you're wrong
You will not admit that you're hurting others
You will not accept that you didn't do your duty today
You will not admit that you were not careful buying groceries
It will be someone else's fault
Just. Not. Yours.
It will be someone else's mistake
Just. Not. Yours.
And how you are always being negative
About everything, and everyone
It. Just. Gets. To. Me.

I can't stop thinking about you
I know you said it's not wise
But the heart does not know wisdom
And the body wants what it wants
I know these are dangerous desires
But the illicit is way more attractive
And the thrilling feelings unmatched

I know the push and pull is strong
But I have faith in your conviction
And I believe in your self control
So go ahead and take the lead
Because I believe in your skills
And I know if I lead
We'll go where it isn't wise to be
And lose everything in the process

I love
I care
Deep today
Deeper tomorrow
You
Making my body thrill
Making my heart race


I'm not for you
You're not for me
I never know
Your feelings or self
An amazing mystery
Hiding from all
In plain sight

I wouldn't dream at all
Let alone wanting you
There's always more
To the surface
To the face
To the act
To you

So
I'll stay
I'll stay away.

There is fun in illicit
There's excitement in illicit
There's a fulfilment in covert
It is sweet
Not like honey
Or sugar
But like a drug
Like alcohol

Alcoholics will tell you
That alcohol is sweet
While they close their eyes to swallow
Drug addicts will tell you
That taking drugs is exhilarating
While they are prisoners to their addiction

It's sweet
But it destroys
It's livens up a person
But it brings unimaginable pain
It draws
Like a mosquito ******* blood
It bonds
Like a mother to her child

I said something to you about you
I said what I thought about you
I did, think the worst about you
I went to the extreme end
I wanted to be proven wrong
I wanted to know that you're not that
But you did the exact opposite
You proved me right
And broke my heart in the process

You are so focused
On something else
On someone else
So far from your reach
So out of your control
Someone who's not looking
Or caring for you
Someone who's not aware
Or concerned for you
Something that you don't have
Something that is not available
To have or to touch

That you are missing
All that is close to you
All that is available, reachable, tangible
You are missing
The joy that comes from appreciating
The peace that comes with satisfaction
The comfort that comes with acknowledging
That you are loved, that you have love
That you are cherished, you are cared for
That you have something, you have them
Right under your nose
Where you made a non existent blindspot
That you may go chasing 'happiness'

What did you mean
When you said you wanted to get to know me
Were you interested in my faults?
Or did you just go for the virtues
Did you want to know the vices?
Or the accomplishments were just enough

What did you mean
When you said you liked me
Did you like my scars?
Or you were just attracted to the niceness outside
Did you like my brokenness
Or you just wanted me when I was put together

What did you mean
When you said you understood me
Did you know what I was really made of
Or you just took the facade I put on for show
Could you really feel the pain, or the joy?

What did you mean
When you said you knew me
Did you know my vulnerabilities
Or you just knew my fake confidence
Maybe you knew my weaknesses
But what did you do about them
Did you know when I was really sad
Or happy, or angry
And was trying to hide it from the world?
Did you know what I really needed
To make me feel better?
Did you know how I wanted to enjoy my moments?
Did you even know what those moments were?
Did you know when I was truly myself
Or when I was really trying hard to control myself
And when all these feelings came easy?
Can you describe where I'd be
If I'd disappeared?
Can you really give a true testimony of me?

Stop asking if I'm fine
You know very well I'm not
You know precisely why I'm not fine
You know because you are the reason
You know I'm hurting and in pain
It makes you happy to know this
It makes you validated
On the effect you have on me

Stop telling me to have a lovely day
You know very well I won't
You are well aware of my mental state
You are aware of how my day will go
You know because you caused it
You know I'll think, be sad, be angry and cry
You are well schooled on who I am
You know my reaction to things like this

You know everything.
The pretence is not welcome.
Stop. Asking. Hoping. Wishing.
You want to absolve your guilt
To seem caring and concerned
I know you. You aren't any of these.
You are just guilty.
Not remorseful. Just guilty.

I had forgotten about you
I'm sorry

I had forgotten
That you are always there for me
That you are the only one
Strong enough to pull me out of the ditch
That your finger will always point
At the right direction
That you are my voice of reason
That you are my very needed dose
Of uncontaminated sanity
That you are where strength is abundant
And I only needed to tap into it
That you are where I should look to
To find myself again
I now know
That silence is not absence
And that you are the reason
I will not make this mistake again
Because you'll always be there
To redirect my focus

I'm sorry
But thank you.

There used to be a time
When all I wanted was you
When the idea of a future
Was only possible with you
When you were all that I ever dreamed of
When I could see all I'd need in you

Now that I look back
I was overeager and inexperienced
All I saw in you was an illusion
I only saw what I wanted you to be
Sadly, that's no longer wanted here

Now that I've seen what you became
I'm glad I never got the chance to decide
I'm happy you chose another
I'm happy that I never had a chance
Because I'd have made the wrong choice

The more I get to know you
The more I lose interest
I am surprised that I like that
Because I didn't expect any of this

I thought I'd be yoked
To the feeling that is you
But I'm loving the gradual release
The slowly letting go of you

I'm looking forward to freedom
The 'No longer' feeling
The lack of impulsive response
The lack of the longing
The absence of the 'lighting up'
The travel back home
That is the place I was before you

Sometimes I wanna call
Then I remember
How repulsive you would be
And I  just let it hurt instead.

I love you
But seems tolerance
Is something I'm gonna have to learn
The hard way

You are ambitious
But you force your ideas through
You make comments
With the intention of hurting people
You get so worked up
When you don't get your way
You call out to people
For absolutely no reason
You exaggerate mistakes
And downplay achievements
You want to control everything
Including other people's lives
You are quick to offer help
And quick to complain about helping
You have a kind heart
And one full of entitlement
You cringe when people talk about you
Even when they are praising you
You want to be successful
Mainly because you value your image
You are quick to place blame
And nothing is ever your fault

You are this person
I really look forward to seeing
But a day spent with you
Is too much to handle

As you drag me out of bed at 5am
With an assurance that I won't go back
I can't help but think
That you're stealing from me
And that's the beauty of having you
You make me do amazing things
And I can't help but wonder
That someday I will be complaining
That you are sleeping too much

Sometimes you have to face your fears
Tell them that you are no longer afraid
Make hard decisions and be okay
With the possibility of failure
Because even if you fail
You can and you will
Rise again.

I know I complained about you
I know I wanted you here
But I'm happy you said No
I'm happy you're no longer here
I'm enjoying the independence
Of making decisions alone

I'm loving your absence
Looking back at it now
At who your really are
Remembering your personality
That which I was blinded to

I thought you were protective
But you were really controlling
I thought you were loving
But you were really selfish
I thought you cared
But it was only about you

Surprising how you can see clearly
When you take off the rosy glasses
How you can reason rationally
When you get that reality check
How you can be responsible
When you learn that you're alone

Dear America, I watch your movies
Not really yours,but ones your citizens make
I see so much, through the glasses they give us
The potential to grow there,the opportunities
The success others get there,the prosperity
The freedom you give people,to say just anything
The high standards that is the way of life
The wonderful life that's not so wonderful
And of course the vices,the pronounced vices

I want to visit America, to see the vices
I want to see the epidemics
The opioids that plague low income neighbourhoods
The teenage pregnancies,the many single moms
The runaway baby daddies owing child support
The anti vax campaigns causing more deaths
The racism,the police brutality that never ends
The gun violence,the schools that were shot at
The corruption that impedes crime reduction
Maybe see the jails that look so nice in movies

I want to visit America,to see the life
The hard work,the 80 hour weeks
The hard life,the two and three job workers
The posh life,the rich and famous entrepreneurs
The wanna be life,the glamourous famous celebs
The fake life,the not so famous influencers
The tough life,the expensive parenting options
The long school life,the lifetime student loan debt

I want to visit America,experience the government
The tough,manifesto or is party driven elections
The many legislative houses with all the power
The complicated levels of government
The many types and divisions of police
The thousands of investigative bodies
The powerful uniformed and  ununiformed forces
The well trained millitary and intelligence agencies
With others that don't work inside the country

I want to visit America,to see the law
To experience the precious 1787 constitution
To see the thousands of Acts of parliament
To see the high,or is it low,taxation rate
To see the ease,or is it difficulty,in doing business
To see the rights that y'all keep talking about
Maybe even get to say 'I know my rights' too
See the liberal,or is it conservative, court system
The just jury system, the courtroom theatrics
Maybe even get to sit and watch

I want to visit America, see the healthcare system
The huge well equiped hospitals,
The well oiled health insurance machine
See the doctors who spent a decade to be an MD
The many specialist professionals in healthcare
Maybe even get what y'all call a physical
The exuberant cost of getting treated
Maybe understand Medicare and Medicaid
The strong powers of the medical boards
Maybe even see the need for malpractice insurance

I want to visit America,see American products
Feel the prestige y'all place on labels
The one word labels that say it all
The extensive creative marketing culture
The brands  that don't need an explanation
Target. Mcdonalds. Macy's. Prada. Walmart.
The pricing that's always exclusive of tax

I want to feel American life
The good looking, desirable social amenities
The importance of zip codes and school districts
The restaurant,swipe right, smart devices culture
The borrowing, property ownership loan culture
The credit card,cashless freeing bill payment culture
The creditworthiness of good credit
The judgements on criminal record holders

I want to experience
The feeling your actors exude so well
Someday. Maybe.

She looks at her
As she feeds him
As she beams at him
With a mother's pride
Then she wonders quietly
How her baby would've been

She watches her
As she struggles with her crying baby
As she tries to soothe him
As everyone judges her motherhood
As she tries to mother him
And she wonders quietly
About her own
That she never got to hold

She quietly questions
Whether it was a relieving loss
Like a dodged bullet
She quietly wonders
How her single motherhood
Would've been in a judgy community
Of hateful christians

Usually, tears motivate my writing
But not today
Today, I have no words
Today, I can't describe my feelings
It's one of those dark days
Days of darkness in broad daylight
Days of searching for the obvious
But can't see a thing
Days I badly want to talk
But all ears seem to have vanished
Seems I can't catch a break
My actions are catching up
My bad decisions are catching up with me
I'm seeing the extent
To which I ******* up
People who love me
Don't even wanna be associated with me
No, not in public
No, not to their friends
To top it all off
I can't even catch a healthy break
From symptom to symptom
Or is it an illness they don't see?
All I know
Is that it's keeping me up at night
And worried all day

I have these conversations in my head
Mostly about you
I replay all the complaints
Rantings about your husband
How's he's not good enough
But how have you been with him
All these years

Seems like you already ate
That's how you greet him at dinner
Then why'd you make the food?
You say he keeps looking to lead at church
But how can you not expect him to
You don't allow him to lead his own family
You say he's extravagant
Yet he doesn't even have money to spend

You keep telling your children to marry
But look at the example you set
When they see you look down on him
Use disrespectful words and tone
According your husband no respect at all
How can you expect them to be enthusiastic
Yet you don't make it appealing

Even when you sell me something
Don't make it sound like I have to buy
Like there's no otherwise
Because I'll go looking for options
And trust me, I'll find them

He has complaints about you, you know
If only you would listen
To his ideas
If only you wouldn't want to always win
To always be right
Then you'd perhaps have it better
But what do I know
I've never been married

It's Friday
It's 8pm
She just got into town
The village girl just got into town
She watches the sea of people
As they walk by her
They mesmerize her

Some walk fast to get somewhere
Maybe home
Maybe some hot club
Some walk alone
Some walk in groups
Some walk in pairs

She especially sees the pairs
She doesn't understand
How they walk confidently
Interlacing fingers
Showing affection
Being proud
To be in love
In public.

She's never seen it before
In her village it's an unofficial taboo
No one talks about such love
But people marry
It surprises her

And with each passing couple
A giggly couple radiating love
She asks herself
Whether she'll be that girl Someday

I'm afraid if I stay,
I may never leave.

I sit looking at the evidence
The evidence of your rejection
The rejection that I feel strongly
That you repeatedly inject in me
While pretending everything's normal

I told you you'd hurt me
You didn't see how you could
But now it's indeed happening
Much to your obliviousness
And you don't seem to care
Because to you, effort is a myth

I told you there'd be a change
I see it clearly, I feel it strongly
Now that my eyes have been opened
And my heart deeply cracked open
By the strong feelings you said you held

With you there's no consistency
It's a sharp fluctuation
From the scalding heat
To the freezing cold
From the strongest of holds
To the scariness of the free falls
From the deep focused attention
To the profound callousness

You ignite the mixture of emotions
That gives rise to the confusion
Cutting deeper each day
Making the toxicity come alive
With no way to get back to health
Because the torch has already been lit

I'm putting in lots of hours
I know I need help
You know I need help
You want to offer help
But I don't know if I should let you
The way you do things
It's careless
It's reckless
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do much more
Than I would have if I don't let you

I saw you last night
You weren't really there
But I saw you there
You've refused to leave my mind
Choosing to stay
Without knowing you are

Because of you
My good memory is my best enemy
It dredges up everything
In minute detail
Bringing the excruciating truth
Of the always brewing feelings

The need to feel is strong
My blessing now becomes a curse
As with every memory I feel
Reliving the details to a tee
Breeding more wanting
Regardless of my wisdom

I gave you the lead
Deferred to your self control
But in the presence of the danger
You run towards it
You keep poking the bear
As you enjoy the thrill of it all
Because all that matters is the moment

And for you
Leaving the moment
Leaves the moment behind
And on to busy things you go
Leaving the memories behind
Living your best life
Oblivious of the chaos you leave behind

I'm stunningly confused
But utterly intrigued

Don't you love the feeling
The one that music brings?
The nostalgia of the moments
That the song brings out?
The memory of the feelings
That the rhythm lets you relive?
The recollection of the experiences
That the beats makes you go through?

The pleasure that seeps through you
When you remember the first time you heard it?
When you relive the moments
As you listen to the song?
The vividness of the experience
That the song reminds you of?
When you replay them again
Like a movie in your head?

I care about it, he doesn't
I think about it, he doesn't
I listen to words, he doesn't
I analyse moments, he doesn't
I relive the moments, he doesn't
I give meaning to words, he doesn't
I remember things he said, he doesn't

Turns out he doesn't
Feel the feelings
Not an ounce of love
Nor an inch of hate
Nothing.
He acts
He says
He doesn't
Mean any of it
Inside is a shell
That doesn't feel a thing.

They used to say
That you are disorganised
That your notes don't have order
That you get confused at times
That you mix up things
And I used to defend you
Out loud and in my head

I used to say
That you are a busy woman
That you are a multitasker
That you juggle alot at once
That you are ambitious
That you have so much going on
That you work hard and long
That's how I wanted to see you

But even as I defended
I knew it was true
I just didn't want to hear it
In my head you were super woman
I saw you in ways they didn't
I knew you a little more than they did
And I believed in you even more
Some thought you were my mother
Yes, in a way you mothered me
In a way my own wouldn't

Take me back
To the lovely days

Days you didn't fuss
Over my reaction
To your reaction
Days you didn't over analyze
My words and my actions
Days you didn't expect anything
Days you gave without expecting
Days you called only when needed
Days you didn't agonize over missed calls
Days you didn't jump
On my name in your call screen
Days you didn't stress
over how you looked to me
Days you were confident in your dress
Days you didn't value my opinion
Over your own self worth
Days you didn't let me
Define your mood that day
Days you didn't let my reply
Dig a hole in your heart
Days you weren't obsessed
With the idea of me

Because if you really knew me well
You wouldn't want me.

I have these moments
Something always triggers them
It could be a movie conversation
It could be a weird thing happening around me
Or maybe something that's not happening around me
Leaves me wanting to reach out to someone
But no one's usually there
At least no one is usually really there
At least not in the right way
Or in any fulfilling way
You see, I created this for myself
I put myself in here
Because I wasn't careful
At least not careful enough
Not enough to look into the future
But then maybe it wouldn't have changed a thing

It's 4am again and I can't sleep
Not because I have insomnia
Infact, I'm heavy eyed
But you my dear have decided otherwise
I have no say in the matter
When it comes to sleep
You are indeed the boss
A minute ago I knew I would go back to sleep
But then something happened
Something always happens
And your eyes popped open
Then the wails began
Sometimes you're smiling
Like you are laughing at me
So we start the dance again
And now it's 5am
And am hoping this fifth dance will work
And then you surprise me
And we have to do it all over again

It's 3am and you are up. Not just up but seated, playing. And you are smiling with your eyes wide open. Not to me, you already know that I'm in no smiling mood. To be precise, I'm teary and grumpy.

It has been several tries and I've given up. Several of those moments where  you begin crying once your body hits the mattress. I don't know how you do it, seconds ago you were sound asleep in my arms.

I've managed an hour or two of sleep. That was after three hours of those episodes. The ones with ten or twenty minutes intervals, between my achievement of putting you to sleep and something else deciding you should wake up. It's not your fault, you can't control anything anyway.

Soon you'll be yawning and dozing off. And of course crying to be put to sleep. Then we'll start again. That is, until the **** decides that it's 3am and he needs to do his job. And his brothers need to crow too. Before I know it, it'll be daylight, and grandma will always be there to accuse mama of oversleeping

You may not have a partner
To talk and share stories with
But you don't have an extra adult
To take care of their every need

You may not have financial help
To fend for your child
But you don't have extra bills
To take from your little income

You may not have an extra set of hands
To help with the housework
But you don't have an extra human
To clean up after and cook for

You may not have an extra set of ears
To listen to your stories and whinings
But you don't have an extra mouth
Whose complains you have to listen to

You may not have someone
To make you feel good
But you don't have an extra someone
To make look good

You may be lonely
But it is less effort
When it's only you

I miss the days I was alone
Because then I could cry
And I wouldn't be afraid to be judged
I could stay silent as long as I wanted
And wouldn't have to account for it

Then I could freely feel everything
Without having to hide the feelings
Then I didn't have to have myself together
All I needed was to be myself

Then I was allowed to be broken
Without having to explain what's broken
Then I could break down
And it would be okay without witnesses
Because I knew I would get back up
I knew I needed to feel so I could deal

But how can I do it now?
How can you be you when you can't break?
When your state of mind is on public display?
How can you explain the unexplainable?
Why do you have to?
I need to be alone again

I gave myself a pep talk. I decided to put aside the emotions and feelings. I decided to look at it factually. Then it became clear.

That I'm your friend and it's my job to be there for you. That being there means understanding you and your life. Understanding that you won't always be available. That it means being there regardless of what's happening in your life, in my head or in my life.

That being your friend means respecting your choices even when I don't agree with them. That it means respecting your relationships. That respecting you means telling you when you're making a mistake and not judging you for your mistakes.

That being your friend means knowing you. Knowing who you are, what you are, what you want  and what you don't want. It means knowing what you need and helping you get it. With a pure heart.

That being your friend means cutting out expectations. Not expecting it back the way I gave it. Letting you give it how you know and appreciating it.

That doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It means I choose not to let them run our friendship. It means I look at it rationally.
That doesn't mean I won't express my feelings. I will.

Lately these conversations
Have become more in my head
Rather than out of my mouth

Maybe it's me learning self control
Not to talk back at you
For your hurtful words and actions

Maybe it's me tackling compulsion
Not to reach out to you
Everytime I see you in my contacts

Maybe it's me learning not to act
On my impulsive impulses
Not to say just anything in my mind

Maybe it's me learning to deal
With my issues and my problems
Instead of letting them out there
Or going out to seek validation

They say to think before acting
Or is it talking before acting?
Probably both

I love this you that I see
How you talk out your opinions
Without a care about society
That they expect you to be subtle
And sit in the fence
But you confidently take a stand
And tell them they are idiots
For being people pleasers
For pretending to be nice
So others can pretend to be nice to them
Maybe it's because you have aged
And seen how imprisoning it can be
To let the society cage you
And mould you into this person you're not happy being
Or maybe it's because you are retired
Probably it is because you slowly gained courage
Enough to peel away the layers
Of societal pressures
And had enough of their straining expectations
Or maybe you are just being the you
That you waited so long to be