I know I need to tell you
what’s really on my mind
I know I need to tell you that something’s wrong
But all my life I’ve survived on lies
Never being honest, always shielding my eyes
And no one has ever known
How I really feel
No one has ever seen
the scars under the smile
And it’s hard to open up now,
hard to embrace total honesty
I cannot speak my mind aloud
Why do you think I write so much?
My truth is in my poetry,
emotions laid out for you to see
Because I don’t know how to remove my mask
and set my feelings free
So if I tell you I’m okay,
double-check my claims
Take a peek at my poetry,
the answer there might not be the same
as I what I say aloud, barely meeting your eyes
Always keep in mind that one of my best skills is lies
I don’t want to lie to you, I want to have your trust
But how can anyone trust me
when I barely trust myself?
So don’t trust my vocals,
only trust the poet’s word
Because my truth is in my poetry
and that’s where my real thoughts lie.

I can safely say that
I’m better
I’m much better than I was
five months ago

Five months ago
I was a cutter and a liar and a girl wearing a mask
I had a death wish and a fear of oblivion
Eternal conflict kept me alive, not much else
Excpet maybe a heart barely beating
but somehow still warm

I don’t rely on blood and pain anymore
to keep my emotions in check
I’m opening up, being honest with myself
and with the ones I hold close to my heart and soul
I don’t wish for darkness,
and my heart is definitely beating

But underneath this fresh new smile
and cheeks flushed with hope and love
My blood still boils, my mind still toils
My heartbeat is insane
I still can’t tell you if I’m not fine
I can’t trust my thoughts,
they betray me to fear
If you look at me closely enough,
you might see the threat of crystal tears

I have hope, I have happiness and love
I have someone to hold, who can hold me
A shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold
I can finally say that I’m not alone
I can be honest when I tell him I love him
And I truly mean it, too
He’s my life, my heart and soul
And I know I will never let him go


And while you can completely trust my words of love,
there are other words you should not trust
When you ask me if I’m okay
the truth sits at the back of my throat,
tears ready to spill
But I remember there are people around
Remember we’re not alone
So I swallow the honesty, I tell you I’m great
Confirm the statement with a smiley-face
And then wince in pain as the lie burrows through my veins

I can trust him, I know he’s always there
No matter how far, I can always feel him there
Soul mate, linked forever
We are bound by the universe
I can tell him everything
and know he won’t turn away
And he’ll know how to cheer me up
if the old fears are poking through the dirt
He’ll know how to clear the clouds away
So raindrops won’t stain my shirt

So if I can trust you,
why can’t I tell you the truth?
Why can’t I tell you that
it’s slowly coming back-
the fears and the tears building in the back
of my throat;
I forgot how to scream and my tear ducts are blocked
And I know that if maybe we could just be alone
I could finally break through the walls I used to call home

Five months ago, I was a broken girl
But now I am fixed
But there are still cracks in my sunshine exterior,
and the darkness sneaks into my brain
I’m not alone anymore, I’m healing
I’m opening up, fresh summer bloom
But the mask still has not gone
And my smile can still be faked
I have hope
I have fear
I have a fresh start here
I might mess up this life, too
Love is truly a powerful force
*So is it enough to save me from a darker force?

Well, here I’ve gone and done it again
I’ve gone and broken my promise again
I’m so sorry, soul mate, I broke my promise again
And I hate the ******* pain of it
And I’m trying not to cry as I remember:

standing in the shower looking at the razor blade
it leers at me as hot water pours over my skin
and the demon in my mind laughs and rears its head
“You silly little girl, do you really think
you can just avoid it?
Go ahead, pick it up
It’s what you want, isn’t it?
You sad, sick little girl,
watching you struggle gives me such a thrill;
Now take up that blade
And let the silver bite
The taste of blood will haunt you all night.”
No, no, no
I keep thinking no
cowering against the shower wall
I keep saying no even as I watch
my trembling hand reach out towards that razor
stupidfuckingrazorihateyousomuch
it’s in my hand, it’s touching my skin
the metal bites, the blood rolls again
Oh, god, I broke my promise again
Oh, god, I have to tell him this again

I have to tell you this again:
I broke my promise, and I don’t know why
Maybe I’m possessed, and the demon just won’t die
And I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you
So sorry I broke your trust
Shining silver pieces stained with blood
My tears fall to wash away the blood
(I wish they would fall, oh, I wish they would fall)
And there’s something in me that’s about to explode
A swirling tornado about to wreck everything I’ve ever known
Quick, hide! Before it steals you away
Don’t let it take you away from me
Oh god, oh god, I just want to cry
Because I don’t know why these demons won’t die
I don’t know why they just want me to die

I  
WON’T
DIE
so **** the demons
They can make me bleed and cry
but I will not just ******* die
I have a soul mate who needs me to live
I still have so much in me to give
And they will not break me
I will bend and I will scream
I will cry and I will bleed
But I will not break, no
I won’t break

**I still have a life to live.

I am told that the pain I feel is
a l l  i n  m y  h e a d
but then why does my heart
feel like it's about to explode
and my chest hurts with a pain that is
undoubtedly physical
Tears keep threatening to pour out of my eyes
And I am afraid.

I wish it was easier
for me to just cry.

Oh, the witches, they cackle;
Oh, the witches, they fly!
Soaring through the starry night sky
With their long cloaks flapping
And their black cats yowling
The witches are a-fly tonight.

black words with their black letters
s   u   g    l
  q   i    g      e    across the page

i t ‘ s  ha   rd  f  o   r me to rr e a d
i think my i’s are broken
my I’s are broken
my ie’s
my eyes my eyes i think my eyes are broken
and my head hurts
like the demons inside are
P O U N D I N G
a                       u ll screaming RELEASE MEEEEEE
g                    k                                                    
   a               s
       i nst my

thw ords ar brken
r my hed is brokn
or im brkn

i think
i need
some
s l e e p
z
z
  z
   z
     z
        z
           z
          z
       z
     z
   z
     z

out, out
let it all out
i don’t know how to say what i really feel
i don’t know how to feel what i really say
i don’t know my own thoughts
by the end of the day
you ask me what’s wrong
and i don’t know where to start
anxiety and depression and old aches for self-harm
pressure building inside my head
my heart trying to escape its cage
left alone, betrayed to my own devices
i’m afraid of being to weak to fight on
you want to know what’s wrong, read on!
cookie cutter life is being torn to bits
by the poison-tipped claws of reality
a fairy-tale ending for me? yeah, right
i gotta work if i want that crown
but i don’t qualify for the job
and i’m not ready for education
because i’m just a lazy slob
i have no drive, only meaningless passion
and i’m scared to get behind the wheel
i don’t know how to drive,
both literally and figuratively
they tell me i’m not ready for dedication and life
well, i told them the same **** thing
two months ago!
did they listen?
nooooooooo
i don’t know what i’m talking about,
i’m too stupid to figure it out
my snail-slow brain keeps running out
of fuel
i don’t know where to turn,
i don’t know where to go
i used to be good at solving mazes, but
this is nothing but dead ends, unsolvable
they tell me to stop being so **** emotional
they tell me everything i feel is totally hormonal
i wish they’d stop telling me that, instead just tell me
that they’re happy i found true love, someone to keep me strong
it’s not just fragile and fleeting,
it’s permanent to live on
forever
i wish they’d stop telling me
anxiety is all in my head
and just take me to the **** doctor instead
because i’d rather be safely diagnosed
than live a life of fear
how can they expect me to know how to live
when they’ve kept me so soft and helpless for so **** long?
they could have taught me how to be strong,
but i have to figure it out for myself
because now they don’t want to teach me anymore
oh, i’m a smart girl, i’ll figure it out
no, i’m too dumb to figure it out
contradictions have left me confused
and the back-and-forth battle, with words overused,
makes me want to curl up and cry, then sleep
for a thousand years in darkness, numb

you want to know what’s wrong? read on,
i’m too soft, too slow
i didn’t get the necessary training to really go
a battle has been flying over my head
contradiction bullets fired from genetically linked cannons
am i stupid am i slow
am i smart enough to know
how to live?
i am afraid of the future
afraid of the obstacles looming in front of me now
i’m not ready to grow up, not ready to fight
the necessary battle that is simply life
maybe i’ll run away into the woods
to find the meaning of life
maybe i’ll grow up too late,
after everyone’s moved on
maybe i’ll get lucky
and start a successful small-town business
or maybe i’ll just


i honestly don’t know
what to do
i’m not ready for survival,
not fit for independent life
i’m not ready to join the ranks
of the successful, the bright
the pretty names that light up the night
i don’t know where to go

you know what’s wrong, you see my thoughts
you can tell me every possible plot
but all i really need right now
is to know that you’ll always be here
keeping me strong
you’ll always be next to me so i can fight on
i just need to know
that the stream won’t carry you away
like it has taken so many other people from my days
i just need to know i’m not alone

With no rhyme or reason
I suddenly feel
furious and angry and frustrated and enraged
This is a time when my emotions
will destroy everything in my path
if left uncaged
It is a time when
I feel like a wrecking ball;
No, not the Miley Cyrus song-
A real wrecking ball to tear down the walls
Break through it all
Screams echoing down the hall
To fall on nonexistent ears
This is a time when I just want to
scream and cry and scream and cry,
and then cry and scream again
But my screams went silent long ago
And my tears just don’t fall
Crystalline in the lamplight
And maybe that’s why
Once upon a time
Blood stained the grimy bathtub floor
Dripping from the chasms that I opened
on my arms and legs and hips
Bottomless holes to set my demons free
Stop the screaming
The blood flowed the way the tears would not
Clean and strong, keep flowing on
Not afraid to leak past the surface of my skin
But blood is not an option anymore
A promise made, broken, made fresh again
I will not break my promise again
And I just wish that the tears would flow
clear and clean, emptying me
But I’m afraid to cry, splotchy red face
embarrassing me
Someone once told me
that I am strong
because I was brave enough to just go on
But bottled-up emotions and blood in the bathub isn’t strong
And I feel like an old Linkin Park song
So someone just tell me what the **** is wrong with me
‘Cause everytime I try to figure it out, I’m wrong
Older faces, wiser than me
tell me that nothing right now will last permanently
But anxiety like this, crippling heartbeat,
That doesn’t just go away
And I think the only reason I’m here today
is fear and true love;
Hope saved me so I may one day see
Sunlight on my child’s face, lighting up green eyes, my eyes
But I have to survive the hardest part first
and this is just the beginning
Fear pinning me down won’t let me move on
But love keeps me strong so I can still live on
But the darkness keeps nipping at my heels, so I run on
And sunlight brightens my scars.

How long can I wait
for that Happy Ever After
How long can I wait
for The End?
My book is so thin
right now
Unwritten
with some pages I wish could be torn out
But the story I have now
is important
for what will be written in the future
So the pen keeps moving,
the story goes on
I will keep writing
my now.

The high school world is strange,
full of things I just don't understand;

Girls wear dresses to school,
baring their knees in 20-degree weather
How are they not shivering
in their thin little sweaters?

Showing off your underwear
isn't attractive anywhere
So why do the guys insist
on forgetting their belts?

And what is the point
of punishing us all
when one person broke a nose
and another pulled out his phone?

I just don't understand
vanity over comfort
and feeling cool over looking decent
and public over private

It's a strange world here
in high school.

I do not write
from my head
where too many thoughts
tend to foul my words.
I prefer to write
from the heart,
where every line and lyric
rings clearly, true and pure.

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  o
  p

This safe little bubble
    is about to
                             P   O   P!

You better watch out,
or the beasties will get you
They’ll dig in their teeth and you’ll
S     C     R     E     A     M

No one, no one, no one can hear you SCREAM!!!!

Isn’t it so sad?
You cry, but no one sees the saltwater sorrow streaking your face
and they just can’t hear the sound of your heart
thudding to a sudden stop
as your body goes numb
Blissful numb, can you stay in the dark?




“No, no, no!”
The voice attacks and digs electric probes into your chest
ZAP!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!!
“Please, please, please, wake up!”

But I’m in so much pain,
you try to say
Can’t you see this is easier than trying to stay?
Oh, no, I didn’t want to hurt you this way!

Fresh tears f
          a
           l
           l

                       d r i p p i n g   on the floor like the blood just did
Your blood, keeping you warm and alive and feeling and hurting
and you didn’t want to feel anymore
So you forgot that you had a heart and soul
You forgot that you hold so many hearts in your hands
You forgot that someone still cares
You forgot that someone still needs you there
You forgot
how to
breathe.

The machine breathes for you as you open your eyes
The golden sunlight pokes through the blinds
Highlighting the face of the one who holds you dear
Fast asleep, but face still screaming fear
And you realize why you still live:
You still hold someone’s heart in your hands,
and you must never, ever let it fall
and shatter against the cold concrete
Where chalk lines told you where to jump
Where the neighbor’s dog died after you pulled his crushed body out of the road
Where a fresh first kiss shocked your heart, and more followed after
And where you tried not to cry as you said one more goodbye

How long ago was that, that last goodbye?
Hello and goodbye,
you suddenly start to cry
The sunlight lights up the opening eyes
Of the one you hold dear
The one whose heart you still hold
Oh, you’re so glad
to say hello.

“I’m here.”

See the paint
dripping down the wall
Watch it as it falls
to stain us all
Red-streaked fingers
and mercury shining eyes
Eyes staining the sky
Silver and gold
to make new friends
But will you keep the old?
Or just ball them up
anicent poems in a torn-up notebook
toss it onto the pile of wood
Toss the lit match, watch it burn
Gold flames melt the silver down
until it dissolves
and is gone
Blackbird swoops down
and the tip of his wing
whispers to the fire
“Ignite me, I beg you;
your golden flames are just so beautiful.”
The shrill scream of the blackbird
pierces the sky
And makes the clouds cry tears of
clear sorrow and bitter sympathy

Standing below, face tilted up,
a little girl pokes her tongue
through her teeth
She can taste the sorrow and sympathy
And she can taste the fear
She can taste a world of pain
just in one single tear.

I just want to put out a little message for everyone who is struggling right now:
You are not worthless. You're not. Even if people are leaving you and you feel alone, you still have friends and family in your life who would care if you disappeared. You may feel like no one would even blink an eye if you were just gone, but you'd be surprised by how big of an impact it can really make. It's like tossing a pebble into a pond. The ripples spread all the way across the surface.
Don't give up on love. Don't give up on friendship. Don't give up on life. There is always hope if you search for it. There is always someone in your life who holds you close to their heart, even if you don't know it.
Keep living, and don't give up now.

Back
in your arms
My heart
can start
again
And I
am awake
no longer numb
I can feel your breath
on my cheek
Feel your warmth,
you are there
Back
in my arms
again.

Stepping into an amusement park
is equivalent of stepping into
another world
Step out of the poverty, the tears, and the shame
and walk through the gates
into
joy, laughter, wonder, magic, miracles, love
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter what you've done
All that matters is that
right here, right now
You can be ALIVE
You can leave all of your burdens behind
Step into a world where dreams come true
And sometimes your silly nightmares, too
Fly like a Manta ray through the water
See the world through a sea turtle's eyes
Rescue the city with your favorite superheroes
And watch in awe as other people
just like you
perform daring stunts right before your eyes.
Yes, it is another world
beyond the gates of an amusement park
So step right up
and embrace your dreams
Escape reality while you can.

Ah, being so far away from you
is hard, my love, it's hard, my love
And I'm not sure how I'm supposed to relax
when I'm constantly wondering about you
Are you okay?
But I'll be back home
before we know it
And I know you would want me to relax
So I'll try to relax,
but I'll keep you close in my thoughts;
Your silver heart hangs close to mine.

Flying
above a layer of
cotton clouds, woven white lining clear blue
It looks like a snow-coated hill,
punctured by snowdrifts and gaps
where that blue, clear clear blue
peeks through
Don’t fall through

Don't be sorry for me
when my biggest problem
is anxiety
and a mother
who doesn't want to listen.
Be sorry for the other girls my age
who have to live on the streets
with barely a meal a day
and give up their bodies to survive.

Sometimes I wonder
how it would feel
to just be numb
all the time
To feel the way I used to feel,
like nothing ever hurt me, nothing broke through
my cold, stainless steel walls
Sometimes I wonder
if I would rather feel that way again
Because sometimes emotion
is just too cumbersome to carry every day

I remind myself that
to feel emotion is to be human, to be alive
And I very much prefer being alive
to being a cold, steel statue
Resting forgotten at the bottom of the sea
wishing she could see the sky again

Being alive is worth the pain
of having a heartbeat.

You wonder why I can’t say anything
as my lies explode in my face
You decide that my silence is equivalent
to a declaration of “I don’t care.”
But what you don’t understand is that
I DO CARE
and the reason I stay silent is because
nothing I could say would ever matter anyway
You would still tell me
I’m stupid, ignorant, immature, irresponsible
You would tell me that
everything I think I feel for him
is just teenage hormones, not love
You won’t listen to what I have to say,
so I’ll give you silence for an answer
I’ll try to tell you with my eyes
But I’m pretty sure you’re blind
It’s cliche to say that you don’t understand
when obviously you do
But when you refuse to listen to what I have to say
I just don’t understand the point in speaking at all
And I’ll let myself disappear, drift away
It’s a good thing I’m leaving anyway,
because I would be packing my bags right about now.

Feeling your heart
beat against my hand
is a soothing reassurance;
You’re alive, you’re real,
and you’re here with me,
not just a silver-cloud dream.

As I was watering my roses,
no longer quite so fresh,
I noticed a curious thing:
the thorns were growing larger
even as the flowers died.

Raw, raw, raw
What am I? Raw
A fountain of untamed emotion
Held inside like wind in a bottle
What a I? I am a disappointment,
but aren’t we all?
I’m not quite sure why
I lie here and I cry
as I consider the time,
or the lack of it
We all lose time, it slips
out of our hands like grains of sand
So why do I lie here and cry
over it, over my dwindling time
with you, which has now been cut short
by doubts and suspicions?
Because I am human,
a victim of time and lies and emotion
And because you are, too.

I think the universe
is deliberately messing with my head.
It feeds to me sweet caramel hope
and decadent chocolate passion
and leaves me floating on a cloud of
forevers and infinities, of peace and a second chance
Then, with an abrupt bolt of lightning,
I am struck down
and everything explodes in my face
and leaves me scarred
I feel like Tantalus:
everything I want is hanging
just out of reach
And one of these days, if I don’t just die,
I may simply break down and cry
And then the universe will reward my weakness
by granting to me again
the sweets and the bliss and the joy
It will wipe all the shattered glass out of my mind
And I will be another victim
of life.

Where do
the lost ones
go?
Where is it that they wander to
when they leave behind their shadows
and a growing pool of tears?
Where do the souls
who were never completed
drift off to
when they finally realize
that they are lost?
Where do they go,
why do they go,
why can’t they stay
just a little bit longer
to find the light that they seek?
If they could just wait
a little bit longer,
they would find that
everything
they need
is right in front of them,
Right within their grasp.

When she suddenly finds herself
shell-shocked,
With fragments of exploded lies staining her face,
all she can think about
is how much tighter she must hold on
to him
Even as the universe tries to pull her away.

We are like fingers caught
in a Chinese finger trap:
The more you try to pull us apart,
the tighter we cling to each other.

Butterfly heart,
I have a butterfly heart
when I'm with you
You've caught my butterfly heart,
holding it gently in your hands
If anyone else had snatched it from the air,
I would have grabbed it right back
But you, I trust
I trust you with my butterfly heart
Just be gentle with it
Don't let it fly away
I really would like
for my butterfly heart
to stay.

A star, a dandelion fluff
A penny and a clover
None of these as special, I think
As the bright birthday candle
The flame may be temporary,
but the meaning lasts forever
So blow out the candle, so make your wish
As you have done for years
The tradition is ageless, much like a wish
and the memory lasts forever.

Let me fall into the deep
brown of your eyes
and keep falling
because I know you’ll always catch me
just before the end.

feel my heart
beat beat-beat
beating faster as
our eyes lock

I feel a smooth, syrupy warmth building in my chest
and spreading through my body
as I gaze into your eyes

feel my heart
beat-beat-beat
beating faster as
you take my breath away

Slowly, we close the gap between us
until our lips finally meet
and a slow flame burns bright in my veins

feel my heart
beatbeatbeat
beating faster as
feather-light souls reach out and embrace*

We melt into each other, lost in passion
and the world around us vanishes
as our souls touch and we promise our love

Surrealism
fogs my brain
Music video songs
(Linkin Park, "Shadow of the Day")
in math class makes me feel
surreal
I can just barely hear the teacher's drone
over the familiar notes and lyrics and sounds
I let my pencil move over the paper
and sketch what lies before me:
Calculator, paper, paper, pencil.
The song changes
(Linkin Park, "What I've Done")
I finish my sketch
turn my volume up
just a notch
and disappear into the song.

The clock ticks down
and their time grows short;
he is desperate to hold her
until the very last millisecond.

a heartbeat
the world rushes around us
i pull you to a stop
you turn to face me and
i fall into your embrace,

another heartbeat
and as my cheek rests in the curve of
                                             shoulder and neck
i breathe you in and close my eyes and feel
your arms, tight around me
and there is nothing else

skip a beat
the world is gone
we are the only ones,
you and i,
souls entwined in

a fresh heartbeat
and time moves again*
a brief moment of forever.

Today marks a memory
of a great life lost to time
Today marks the day when, four years ago,
a great man in my life passed away.
He was a son, a brother, a husband, a father
He was a grandfather, and a great-grandfather, too
He was my great-grandfather, and I'll never forget
The joy of us fishing together, and how I caught more than him
I'll never forget his nicknames for me:
"Tiger" and "Little Maid"
I'll never forget the time when I defiantly declared
that "No, I am no one's maid!"
Then got scared and fled to the diner he owned
and hid at the back table with a cheeseburger and
a cool glass of chocolate milk.
When I saw him again later, he was laughing.
I'll never forget how big his heart was,
How big his smile was, his booming laugh
I only knew him for thirteen years, but
I know I'll always treasure the memory
of my Great-Grappa.

Life is too short to spend considering mistakes made in the past. Learn to appreciate the present and accept what comes your way.

The words of Keats stick to my brain
“To cease upon midnight with no pain”
Though I am scared to
I’ll confess my deepest fear
Since the beginning of time
Humankind has theorized
The meaning of the end
Is it an eternal sleep, the black that comes
Or is it a soul’s journey to another place?
I do not know who to believe
And that makes me afraid
I am terrified of the words “The End”
I’ll admit it, oh, yes, I’ll admit it:
I am terrified of death.

If I am to become a famous poet
like Plath or Poe
I ask that you do not tear apart my poems
to find a secret meaning
Read them as they are
Enjoy them for their present message.

Trembling leaf
barely hanging on to the
ice-coated branch
It shakes as the wind swirls around it
in circles
hanging on by such a thin little stem
Hang on tight
Just hang on
'till spring.

Whispers of the childhood past cling to his feet
and a piece of the present is the color of his fur
I am reminded of the future by the name we chose
Teddy Bear Chester, soft feet and chocolate fur.

What is love?
Love is fear, and love is joy, pure and true.
Love is sacrifice, letting go,
And love is holding on for dear life.
Love is gentle, and love is rough;
Love is light, and love is dark.
Love is a butterfly kiss,
and love is teeth against your lip.
Love is a juxtaposition, opposites combined;
It doesn’t make any sense,
but that’s what makes it so perfect.

My heart still kick-starts
when I think of a snowy yesterday.
It was cold, and we shivered,
but we were still warm because of our love.
Soft kisses were concealed by the hoods
of designated ***** sweatshirts,
And the sounds of laughter and love
bounced off the walls of bustling homes.
I saw myself reflected in the shining brown of your eyes,
starshine melting my heart.
And our souls combined
for the millionth time
and I was lost
and you were lost
in you and me.