Soft synthetic fur brushes my cheek,
the smell of newness fills my nose.
His fur is the color of your eyes,
melted chocolate to melt my heart.
Brushing my fingertips along
the soft bottoms of his feet brings me back to childhood,
to Rainbow Bear(that ratty old teddy bear)
and too many toys.
It will be easier for me to sleep tonight,
because I have something to hold,
something that is a token of your love.
It’s Teddy Bear Chester, your Valentine’s Day gift;
I’ll hold him tight all through the night.

I sit and I shiver
I shiver until I shatter
I shatter into stained-glass bits
Pieces of stardust trapped in the fragments
of me.

It’s thinking of him that makes me feel alive again.

I need you to remind me
that I do have a heart
I need you to tug on my soul
and remind me that I’m whole
I need you to hold me close
so I don’t freeze and go numb
I need you
to keep me alive.

Lying in a dark cloud,
an emotionless void,
I am suddenly reminded
of why I was so addicted
to the blade’s bite:
It was a distraction,
the pain was, and it
reminded me that I was
alive.

Nipping at my heels,
the darkness follows me
Threatening to tear me to pieces
I toss my emotions to the wolves
and let myself go numb
I am machine, not human,
unnatural thing
And nothing can spike feeling back into my chest
Tonight, let me lie
unaware
Let me lie in the numbness
Let me lie without pain
Because my yearning for blood will bring me no gain
I cannot free myself
with rivulets of red
I cannot wake myself
with memories of love-woven hours
I cannot be myself
Because tonight I am empty.

I used to solve my problems with blade and blood.

A trail of shivering sparks is left on my skin.

I swear I can see the universe in your eyes.

beat
beat
pounding
          beat
v ib r at e

******! of sound

heartbeat beat beat
rising with the music

Flutter
butterfly, flying so far
wings glinting in the sunlight
oh, your wings, they shine so bright
they flutter, flutter, flutter
then suddenly stop
because my heart has stopped
because your kiss, your kiss
oh, the shock of your kiss
stop my heart, start it up again
i can’t breathe because you’ve stolen my breath
kiss me again, leave sparks on my lips
a fire, growing to consume us both
souls forever entwined.

i.
his fingers
trailing down my spine and
his breath on my neck just before
his lips trail sparks across my skin

ii.
my lips
pressed against the smooth skin
of his neck, the vein there pulsing as
his heartbeat quickens with excitement

iii.
our fingers
twined together tightly
as our lips meet softly and
we breathlessly promise our love

I wanna feel the flames
Feel the fire in my face
I wanna scream so the world can see
that I’m ready to break free and breathe
Let me take back my power
Let me walk across the flames
Test my heart and test my soul
to cleanse me of my regrets
I can see the future
See it dark and clean
I can see what we can be
I can see us all being free
We live in a world of imprisonment
Live in a world that is far from clean
We’ve blinded ourselves to the true meaning
Of living as a human being

Stoke the fires
Build the flames
We will make sure you remember our names
‘Cause I know I’m not the only one who’s tired
Of playing all these stupid games
I know I’m not the only one who’s sick
Of seeing so much pain for no gain
Our scream rise above the flames
Rise into the star-studded sky
To be heard for worlds around
We’re not backing down,
we’re not silent.

Oculus*
No.
please look at me,
Nonono. No.
Please”
Never, never, never ever. Nevermore. Edgar Poe’s crow. No.
she looked away.
look at me!”
tore her gaze away
*Don't look her in the eye.
She was blind and stupid and alive.

pg. 261

Betrayal
she sat
warm    
cold              
clear and still
sadness left her
anger overwhelmed
“*******”
she whispered
“pathetic”
temptation
She enjoyed the small fragments of pain.


pg. 99

Watschen
footprints
the dustiness of the floor
this would all be for nothing
she would never see her again.
The reality
it stung her
The floor was cold
against her cheek



pg. 143

December Night
the shivering snow
the girl wide awake
she watched
as he slept
“Sleep well”
turn off the light.


pg.392

Torrent
his eyes were silver and strained
misery was attached to them
hope
read the depth of sorrow
it was true

pg. 398

Schweigen
Peace.
making his way through the darkness.
Silence
was not peace.


pg. 424*

Nachtrauern
, please don’t go.”

Brown.
Mahogany brown.
Mahogany brown, with pieces of melted chocolate.
Mahogany brown with pieces of melted chocolate, never failing to melt my heart.

I gaze into your eyes, noticing how the clouded sunlight has lightened the color and made it easier to see
mahogany brown, with pieces of melted chocolate.

They are warm and smiling, because you are warm, and smiling up at me as I gaze into your eyes. Your smile leads me to notice your lips, which I love to kiss.

I love to kiss those lips, and I always feel my heart jump when I do. It skips a beat as I sink into your warmth, and I kiss you again because
I love to kiss those lips.

Soft strands, darkness streaked with light.
Soft strands, darkness streaked with light, always feel so soft against my fingertips.
I brush your hair away from your face with butterfly fingers, gentle.
You catch my fingers in your hand, weave your fingers through mine.
I never want to let go,
   never
             never
I never want to let go of you, and I press my lips against yours again. You hold me close, so close, and our souls touch.
I feel our souls touching, stretching feathery fingertips to clasp hands and hang on for dear life.
I gasp at the sensation, at the feeling of being
whole.
And I look into your eyes, full of love and warmth and passion and desire;
mahogany brown, with pieces of chocolate.

He still remembers you, Tom does.
He remembers the last time he saw you, remembers the moonlight illuminating your face.
You were always radiant, he says, but that night you lit up the universe.
He weaves a tapestry of your face, words strung delicately together to reveal:
Eyes of the softest doe-brown, deer-in-the-headlights wide
Dark silk strands, curling and tumbling perfectly around
A sweet face, heart-shaped and smooth skinned, porcelain skin
Soft, soft lips, perfectly pink and delicious

I am envious of the care that goes into creating this tapestry of memories, of moonlit faces and delicious pink lips.
Will he one day weave
a tapestry in my honor?
Or will I be the one
    who weaves a warm blanket of everlasting love
        for us to share forever?

Ah, former lover, I cannot help but be green,
for it seems that you still have Tom’s poor heart
caught in your claws.

He remembers you sadly, longing for you even as he holds me close,
dreaming of you even as he sleeps with
his head nestled on my shoulder.

His heart is vanished from his chest,
and that is why he sounds so hollow
when he tells me, “I love you.”

I want that heart, I will take it from you,
and give it back to Tom, to whom it belongs,
and leave the fate of his love
in his own hands.

My poems "Asylum" and "Shining" won awards in the Scholastic Art and Writing awards!! I also won awards for my digital artwork.
I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can find both poems on my page :)

Do you know how much I love you?
I’m going to tell you:
You are my everything.
You are the breath in my lungs, and you are my heartbeat.
You are my sun, my moon, my stars.
You are my sky, my galaxy, my entire universe.
You are my North star, my guiding star,
the light that I seek to guide me through my darkest nights.
I would give my last breath for you,
I would give my heartbeat for you.
I would take a bullet to the heart
or a knife in the back
for you.
I would move mountains,
part oceans,
I would move the heavens and the Earth for you.
I would walk through the bitterest blizzard
or the cruelest flames
for you.

In ancient India, there were Sati wives.
A Sati wife loved her husband
completely and unconditionally,
and if her husband was killed
in battle or in hunting, in work or in illness,
then she would grieve with all her heart for him.
And when the day of his funeral came,
and the funeral pyre was lit,
the Sati wife would throw her body onto the flames
in a final act of love and devotion,
because she would rather die than live without him.
If we lived in ancient India,
I would be your Sati wife.
If you were to die,
I would throw my body into the flames
of your funeral pyre,
because I could not bear to live without you.

I love you
completely,
unconditionally,
purely,
thoroughly,
with all of my heart
and with every single cell, fiber and molecule
of my being.
Every new cell that forms
to replace a dying cell
loves you more than the last,
and as a result,
I love you more every single day.

You are
everything
to me,
and I will never stop loving you,
never stop caring for you,
never leave your side.
Even when I’m far away,
I will still be with you
always.

I
love
you.

I love you
so, so, so, so very, very much.
♥

Questioning
the reason for the madness
The world keeps spinning
but we’re frozen in silence
And every day we scream
“We want to end this game!”
But the higher-ups don’t listen,
they don’t know our name
And so I’m standing here,
surrounded by the flames
Wondering why I still bother
playing all these games
All around me, the voices cry
We’re still waiting for the day
That the flames all die
But the fire cannot die,
because then out lives would end
And it’s not that easy
to begin again.

BLOCK
my thoughts
FREEZE
my ink
STOP
my brain
so I can’t think
WRITER’S BLOCK

A wave of release
flowing
like ink from my pen
Bursting
from between my lips
The fear builds in my chest
Pounding, pounding, pounding
The words strain
to break through
the boundary of fear
Finally,
a fist punches through,
allowing
RELEASE.

When the star grows old,
does it always explode?
Does it swell and grow,
then
just
BURST?

Or will it simply shrink
and slowly
die?

Two chairs, so alone
But, no, they are not alone
They are together.

To write about
the subject of
love
is a difficult thing to do.
So many metaphors
have already been used,
yet we somehow find ways
to pull more out of the sky.
Songs about love songs,
and poems about love poems
increase the level of difficulty.
How can anyone
truly describe
the swell of the heart
the embrace of comfort
the thrill of companionship?


They can’t.

Falling down
dead
Wrapped in
gray
Losing sight of
light
Letting go of the
day
A flash of
electricity
Nine thousand volts
straight to the heart
Wake me up
Make me see
Return me to
life.

Do you dare disturb the sleeping spider
nestled in her web?
Do you dare touch the silver strands
to make them shiver and shake?
Do you fear the venom?
Do you fear the bite?

No one knows the underground
unless the really try
And no one knows what’s really true
until their blindness dies
So when they open their brand new eyes
and let the shadows meet their life
They will finally learn the secrets
to defeating eternal night.

Why must you be so far away from me,
my love?
The Fates pull you away,
but I will never let go.
As the snow outside sparkles,
reflecting the soft, silver moonlight,
I gaze up at the stars through my window
and think only of you
Oh, I wish I knew
when it is that I will see you
I wish there didn’t have to be so much uncertainty
But life is a compilation
of uncertain moments
And we must learn to wade through
the wide ocean of fear
so that our fingertips can touch
and I know that you’re still here.

Daisycutter, daisycutter
Explosive as can be
Someone find a daisycutter
to set me free
My soul is wrinkled and my body is a tree
Oh, daisycutter, daisycutter,
set me free.

(1)
Gentle
(2)
strokes
(3)
Golden
(4)
strands
(5)
Smooth
(6)
the tangles
(7)
away
(8)
As
(9)
the sun
(10)
betrays
(11)
the day
(12)
Eyes
(13)
shut
(14)
tight
(15)
Mind
(16)
flown
(17)
away­
(18)
Soul
(19)
mate’s
(20)
kiss
(21)
will
(22)
save
(23)
the day
(24)
Hush
(25)
little
(26)
demons
(27)
I’m not
(28)
listening
(29)
to you
(30)
today
(31)
As
(32)
golden
(33)
strands
(34)
are soothed
(35)
My
(36)
thoughts
(37)
slip
(38)
away
(39)
Already
(40)
dreaming
(41)
of the
(42)
next
(43)
day
(44)
The light
(45)
reveals
(46)
the scars
(47)
of yesterday
(48)
but I
(49)
just
(50)
smile
(51)
Because
(52)
I
(53)
bore
(54)
the
(55­)
pain
(56)
and I
(57)
survived
(58)
to love
(59)
another
(60)
day
(61)
I save
(62)
my
(63)
kiss
(64)
for someone
(65)
who
(66)
deserves it
(67)
not for
(68)
someone
(69)
who
(70)
will
(71)
only
(72)
bring
(73)
me
­(74)
more
(75)
pain
(76)
So
(77)
go
(78)
away
(79)
ghosts
(80)
I have
(81)
found
(82)
my
(83)
soul
(84)
mate
(85)
and
(86)
he
(87)
has
(88)
­found
(89)
me
(90)
As the
(91)
day
(92)
fades
(93)
gentle
(94)
brushstrokes
(95)
send
(­96)
me
(97)
blissfully
(98)
to
(99)
sleep.
(100)

I don't care how pretty it is,
sparkling in the sun,
I hate the snow,
I hate it, I hate it!
It keeps me away from my love.

even though i know it's late
and he's probably just asleep
i cannot help but be afraid
as his side of the chat stays blank.

She sinks,
curled into a fetal position,
clutching the gold chain to her chest,
letting herself fall through the blue
Her eyes closed,
squeezed tightly shut,
so she doesn’t see the figure
pushing through the jeering crowd,
yelling at her tormentor,
flying through the air.
She doesn’t feel the ripple
as he dives into the water.
As her thoughts fade away,
bubbles slipping from her lips,
she feels arms wrapping around her
to carry her away.
Even as she’s gasping for breath,
she keeps her eyes shut
as she’s carried out of the blue.
And it’s only when she’s placed upon
a surface that is warm and soft
rather than hard and unforgiving
That she finally opens her eyes
to greet her savior.
She shivers, looking into eyes
that are far too warm to be human
But they are set in a human face
that shows only genuine concern,
with a lips that part to send a question into her consciousness:
“Are you okay?”
She just stares at him,
and suddenly starts to cry
Because she never knew
that anyone could ever care.

Once upon a time,
a princess small and fair
sat in a simple wooden tower.
She spent her days
surrounded by stories and songs,
and let the whispers of tales
sing her softly to sleep.
But, one day, a curse fell across her mind,
sent by an unknown spellcrafter.
The curse shrouded the princess’s thoughts in darkness.
The princess grew fearful of every passing day,
distrustful of the ones she loved,
and her stories and songs
became her only remaining comfort.
The princess spent many years
tormented by this terrible curse,
a foul spell that forced her to
doubt her life
and draw her own blood.
She was trapped, frightened and alone,
in her cold wooden tower,
and her only company was the monsters who came
to feed on her fear.
One dark and rainy day,
the princess was startled to see
a pair of warm, brown eyes
peering through her window.
She gazed into those eyes,
and suddenly felt something stir in her chest.
It was a feeling that she hadn’t experienced
since the days before her curse:
Love, and trust.
The princess opened the window
and let the eyes’ owner climb in out of the rain.
The boy standing before her saw
the monsters in the princess’s room,
and he drew his sword.
The princess cried out, startled.
The young knight looked at her and said,
“Never fear, princess. I will always protect you, no matter the cost.
Your monsters cannot drive me away.”
To prove his point,
he ran his sword through the beasts one by one.
One monster managed to escape, scurrying out the window,
but the rest turned to dust on the knight’s shining blade.
The knight turned to the princess and fell to his knees,
taking her small, soft hand in his.
“My fair princess, I have been watching you, lonely in your tower,
and I have seen the curse’s power.
If you would allow it,
I would like to stay by your side,
to protect you from any monsters that may come your way,
and help you find a way to break the curse.”
The princess gazed down at the knight with shining eyes,
then knelt so her eyes were level with his.
“I will let you stay, knight, for I see loyalty and truth in your eyes...and I also see hope.
I feel that you will help me break the foul curse that has been placed upon me.”
The knight lifted a hand and gently rested it on her cheek.
“Then I vow to protect you until my dying breath, princess.
I swear I will never leave your side.”
The knight leaned in and sealed his vow with a gentle kiss,
and the princess gasped as the world around them suddenly brightened,
the tower’s icy chill faded into a pleasant warmth,
and the princess’s darkest thoughts faded away.
She knew that the curse was not broken,
but something had been changed,
and the change was wrought by the knight’s kiss.
She looked at the knight kneeling before her with wide eyes.
“You are meant to be my savior,” she whispered.

It’s odd to have
a name for my ailment;
I can now officially say
that I suffer from anxiety,
Which can cause
panic attacks(sense of worry and/or fear, high heart rate, shaking, panicked thoughts, dizziness, difficulty breathing)
and
compulsive behavior(acting unwillingly on a yearning for a specific action).
Check and check, all symptoms accurate.
I have
a
n
x
i
e
t
y.

This is the name for my fears,
for my shaky moments,
for my actions, drawing blood.

It’s real now,
and I must learn my enemy
in order to defeat it.
Fear of the unknown will not paralyze me
anymore.

I'm shivering and shaking,
and I don't know if I'm breathing
My heart is pounding against my ribs
I swear, I am about to break down and cry
Oh, god, the fear,
Oh, god, the torment
Why was I cursed with such anxiety?

I’m sorry that I’m so melancholy,
but life just makes me want to cry sometimes.
Surely,
you can relate??

the tiny girl
   whose smile was broken
   by the mockingbirds
   and whose mind is cracked
   because no one understood her fragility.
it’s amazing that she’s still sane.

the boy
   who came home from school
   with bruises and broken teeth
   and screams still echoing in his ears
   that said he deserved to die.
it’s amazing that he’s still capable of love.

the girl
   who was abused by her father
   and tortured by her peers
   and haunted the halls of the hospital
   because she was afraid to live.
it’s amazing that she still lives.

let me tell you these stories,
   and then you can tell me again
   how your life ***** so much
   just because you can't go to prom.
   please, tell me again.
i would just love to hear about your “pain”.

It occurred to me
that I am nothing more
than a speck of stardust,
walking on another speck,
which is floating in another speck,
and the infinity is blinding.
But it also occured to me that
Stars, despite their mortality,
are beautiful as they shine,
no matter how bright the light.

A weary soul, stained silver with tears,
weighs more than the body it inhabits,
for this host is too tired to eat, too tired
to sleep, unless the nap can last forever.

Sing to me
a little lullaby.
I just need your voice
and then I’ll be able to sleep.
Hold me close,
and just before I drift away,
I’ll ask that you never let go.

Tonight, I’m just a little bit gloomy,
with eyes to match the clouds outside;
The sky is swollen with unfallen precipitation.
A blast from the past
bruised my happiness,
and a shot of anxiety left me shaking in my love’s arms.
But I’m just a little bit sad,
and there’s no need to fear,
all I need is some beauty sleep for my smile to return.

It’s snowing,
It’s blowing,
The white snowdrift is growing,
So grab a mug
and we can glug
down cocoa ‘till the morning!

Dark house, dark rooms,
empty rooms;
Only one room is filled
with light, with life.
It is the room that I reside in,
huddled under sky-blue covers;
I wish I had sweet cotton candy clouds to match.

It was such a sudden shift;
laughter and joy and noise and love
abruptly cut off
and the silence of peace deafened me.

See the stars? They shine,
Opalescent and bright for
Us, because we finally found our
Love.

Moonlight illuminates our hearts
And each half of the whole soul,
Tied together by fate,
Everlasting love.

Reflections roll down the window;
They look like cartoon teardrops
running down a pale, flat face.

Distractions, distractions,
beautiful, shiny, noisy distractions
They flutter around my head
and their iridescent wings brush against my cheeks
My ears are smothered by the sound of their whispers
so I give up ignoring,
because the sound of their mindless singing
is much more beautiful
than a discussion of a king, his daughters, and an illegitimate son.

Silently thinking about
all things not English
while my classmates discuss
King Lear
I'm just not focused
on insanity and poisonings
and hubris and honor and fate
I'd much rather spill my thoughts
onto this blank white box
Silent musings of all things not English
while my classmates discuss King Lear.