you kissed me and all i could think was i can’t believe the universe finally brought me back into your arms, your face shifted into a phrase and your eyes morphed into LED lights displaying the words “i’m in love with you” over and over like a conveyer belt of my introspection
you asked “why do you keep looking at me like that?” and i replied with an enigmatic giggle,
i remember thinking to myself “how could i not?”
lying next to you the only thoughts transmitted through the waves in my brain were lines of poems written with words i didn’t even know i knew, words that fully illustrated the beautiful way your head caressed the pillow and your eyelashes tickled my cheeks, the way the moment felt like an everlasting, indestructible photograph
i couldn’t believe it, i still can’t fathom i was lucky enough to float down from the clouds i laid on, hoping for a second chance, an escape from the perpetual wishing and wanting to stand on the ground next to you
i’m looking at you, and although i could never gather these thoughts with enough durability to communicate them to you whole-heartedly, and without them shattering from my lips, fracturing each letter, and smashing the essence
these pages will remember how i felt about you forever

Two weeks ago I left you,
Because I had fallen in love with the idea of a man.
It took so much courage,
And last night wasn't part of my plan.

You see the day after I left you,
I found out she was already in your bed,
Making me angry,
The darkness filling my head.

And then to my dismay I found out,
It hasn't been just the past two weeks,
But throughout our relationship,
Making me weak.

I snapped last night,
and you saw the side I didn't want you to see,
After three amazing years,
I was the person I never wanted to be.

I smashed your phone to the ground,
As I punched you in the head,
Threw your laundry into the street,
Mostly just the stuff from your bed.

What I've done to you is nothing compared to this,
Not even thinking of the man in my head,
For all he really is,  is a dark thought you see,
But you're already too busy with her in your bed.

you wanted to keep me close
so that you had something
but you had everything
and didn't even care
I was whole when you met me
and shrunk to nothing
when you left me.

End.

Maybe
if I turn
my back
you can
see
for yourself
the
******
constellations
you drew
with your
knife.

I.** That night, I placed a pillow over my head; I dreamt that I was dead. I had cut my wrists over the bathroom sink. I was laying down on the floor. On the bulge of my stomach, written in blood were the words: "I feel better now." Over by the side, in blood too, the wall proclaimed: "This is my version of okay."

II. I dreamt of going to school on Monday and spending my lunchbreak crying in the bathroom. Hiding in the library when I'm full of tears, showing up to class empty. Seventeen is hard. Life is hard. Tell me what you wish for me. (I don't like going to bed sad.)

III. It's so strange that I still feel so alone, maybe worse than before. I am tired of falling apart; I will try holding myself together. Like a scarecrow, mummy, dandelion puff. I will not fall just so I don't have to pick myself up again.

IV. Give me a reason to surrender, or a viable way out of this mess. I don't want to break my heart, or anyone's. I just want to stop hurting. (I knew it wasn't going to be a good year.)

V. I told you "no promises" because I don't need to promise. I have no control when it comes to you. I'm stuck with this overpowering love. I'd drive myself crazy missing you. I'd forget to be happy in the search for you. I promise I won't stop loving you; I can't promise I'll survive it.

I am your surrogate.
Your surrogate boyfriend
Your surrogate lover
Your surrogate friend.
I'm a stand in.
I'm a waiting room
Before your appointment.
I'm your emotional pick me up
Your needed ego boost.
Close when you want me to be
Far away when you choose.
I am opinionless
I am desireless
I'll fulfill what you need me to
I'll plug the holes
But I'll never make you whole.
I am temporary depression distraction
I am generous
My fingertips will go where you want
When you want
My skin is cold.
I'll be your companion
Until you don't want me around
I'll be thankful for your pity invites.
I'll hide my pain, so I can take yours.
I'll be lonely so that you don't have to be.
Am I time well spent?
When you're with me,
Do you think of where you'd rather be?
Or who you'd rather be with?
I am your surrogate
Your emotion crutch
I'll care so that you don't have to.
Why don't you care?
I'll shown concern and interest
So that you won't have to.
I'll be here for you
So that you don't have to be for me.
I'll give you my heart
So you can keep yours hidden.