I see a memory pop up on my feed:
"January 16, 2016- 1 year ago"
It's a quote. It reads:
"Lonely. I'm lonely in the frienship way and boyfriend way. I pray every day for something, anything to make this dreaded disease go away."
One year later. Which is today. I am alone in my room on a Saturday night. I remember telling myself that things will get better. But I'm just as sad. Just as lonely.
Can we just discuss how unattractive I am?
Insecurities **** my good qualities.
I have a lot of love in me.
But that doesn't matter if I get scared.
And I am scared.
That everyone will leave.
And I'm so so sorry.
Everyone, I'm just sorry...
In both the friendship way and a boyfriend way.
I no longer feel wanted by my friends and too **** quiet to even have a guy talk to me.
It pierces my heart, and also my brain with a gush of longing for love, and comfort.
Yet, everyone I know has a group of best friends or a boyfriend. Yet here I am, alone on Friday and Saturday night just wanting to feel loved.
I'm so deprived of having fun with other people, that I'm crying.
I want someone to just be there for me, because I will always be there for you.
I want someone that will make me laugh, because I will always make you laugh.
So god, all I want is the feeling of loneliness, and sadness to dismiss.
I no longer want to feel lonely.
All I want, is a friend.
You don't know
How much I cry.
Because when the words stop,
My tears fly.
I wish I could control it,
But I can't deny.
Because for every tear I shed,
I wish I was by your side.
Tonight I am restless
reminded of all the
times I've looked at
empty spaces beside me
wishing it were you...
Instead of this
loneliness I've come to
I say goodbye,
And I know you already forgotten about me.
Because you know prettier girls,
Than I could ever be.
And I keep going back to you,
Like the fruit on a poisonous tree.
Do you know that feeling,
When hot water,
That is like your love.
You give the illusion,
Of being good,
When deep down,
I know you're bad.