She stopped missing him a long time back,
but she couldn't get over mourning the girl she was.

They say
Denial is the first stage of grief
I think I'm going through it.
I still can't believe that
You are gone,
Just like that, Nana.
Growing up,
I have never known a home
That didn't have you.

I can't believe
that the next time I return
You won't be there,
Waiting for me
In your usual arm chair,
With a cherubic smile on your face,
When you see your granddaughter.

The last time I came home,
I was so afraid
of how much you remember,
if my face would even register,
And when I asked with hope and apprehension,
"Can you recognize me?"
You smiled like,
I had said the silliest thing in the world
and replied, "Why won't I recognize you?"

Home
will never be the same without you.
You used to be my North Star, my Superhero,
The one I always looked up to and was in awe of,
No one will ever match up
To your wisdom, your goodness.
It is like the brightest star
has been snuffed out from my life.
Now, who will I call Nana anymore?
Who will ever smile at me like you used to?

Wherever you are -
I hope you are in a better place,
Happier, healthier, and in peace.
I hope you can walk again in fields of meadows,
And breathe fresh air under the open sky.
I hope you get to eat your favorite dishes
and all the sweets you crave,
I hope where you are,
You can listen to your favorite music,
Read all the books you want,
And write all the stories,
You couldn't in this life.
I hope wherever you are,
You can still feel my love for you.

I will always look for you in the stars,
Love you and miss you forever, Nana.

Spring is
whenever,
wherever,
You and I
are together.

I cannot think of a future
where you are there-
all roads lead
away from you.

You are too good
To be someone's second choice
An option,
A backup plan,
An indecision,
A 3 am call.

Choose people
Who choose you,
Who celebrate you,
Who prioritize you
Every day.

I have this
intense
insane
inexplicable
curiosity
to know you
not to love you
or be with you
but just to know you
to unravel you.

Everyone hurts
Everyone feels
Everyone loves
But some does all of these
more than the others.

And I can never decide
if it's a curse or a gift
To feel everything
on the spectrum
so very intensely.

Especially on days like these
when every pinprick feels
like the twisting of a knife
when the slightest sound
makes you jump
when all you want
is a little respite
from the insanity
that reigns inside your head.

Could there be
anything sadder
than
you and I
existing
in the same universe
but never
meeting
in this life again?

Only a fool says, "Follow your heart.."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The wise knows the price of it.

If there is a fine line
between love and madness
I know I crossed it
when I loved you.

Is breaking your own heart
to protect someone else's.

Like a thief,
It sneaks upon you
Even on your good days.
Happy days,
Full of laughter & sunshine,
When nothing feels wrong
And everything feels right.
And you think you have moved on,
You're over it.
And just like that
It pulls you back,
Pulls you under,
Like nothing else matters,
And you'll always be stuck
In this black hole called grief.

It was the most selfish kind of love
She ever felt-
The kind that made her forget
The line between right and wrong.
The kind where she wouldn't hesitate
To burn the whole world
If it meant she gets to be with him.
The kind where she didn't care
For anything or anyone else.
Period.
And it took her ages to learn
That what she felt for him was
Toxic, madness, obsession, unhealthy-
That it was anything -
But love.

You were ordinary,
Flawed, & imperfect.
I loved you,
Made a god out of you,
That was my sin,
And this grief
Is my penance.

You see her laughter,
The sparkle in her eyes,
Full of mirth and life,
But
You haven't
Seen her tears,
Clutching at darkness,
At her lowest,
Screaming
In the silence of the night
And swallowing
A thousand more screams inside.
You see her gentleness
In a world full of indifference,
You haven't seen her grieving,
Clawing at her bruised heart,
Demons battling in her head
And monsters reigning in her heart
As all hopes turned to dust.
You see her whole,
But you don't see
The scars in her soul
Where light enters
And makes her shine
Like a Phoenix
Reborn from the ashes.

If you painted me
As the villain in your story
So you could be the hero in hers
Then I hope
At least to her
You remained the hero
Till the last chapter.

If I can live without you
I can live without anyone else
This much this heart has learnt
This much this heart knows
If it's not you
What does it matter
If it's no one else?

It is not that
I am not loved.
I know it in my heart.
I feel it in my veins.
Love overflows in abundance
in many forms in my life
Yet my heart is eternally
starved of it.
It started with him-
This affliction of never-ending yearning
That has no cure or respite
And somehow all the love in the world
Is not enough to fill this black hole
That he left behind.

When a hope dies, maybe somewhere out there a universe dies too, cause the world you imagined will never get to be, and of course, it's going to hurt a lot. But that's okay. Because some things are better in fantasies than reality.

My heart survived you,
Now, it can survive
All the storms
All the apocalypses in this world,
It knows this much.
But it is still not invincible.

What is not written in the stars
No matter how much tears you shed
How many prayers you utter
How much love you give
How much grief you hold inside
How many efforts you put
How can it ever be yours,
If it's not meant to be?

Of all the people
I have loved and lost
You are the one
I remember the most.

Home
Used to be
You

Now
The entire world is a
Mighty stranger

And I don't care about
Fitting in anymore.

I still get the self-destructive urges
To reconnect with people
Who have walked away from me
In some unknown, inexplicable, wild hope
That they will be able to give back to me
The pieces of me they have taken with them,
Not realizing that not all things lost - are a loss.

Maybe she was born
With a heart
Forever meant to pine
After things
Never meant to be...

If I loved you once,
some part of me
will always love you,
in one form or another,
No matter why
it never worked out
between us,
No matter who
we're with,
No matter how many miles
we're apart,
You will always have
a piece of me-
This is your gift.
This is my curse.