It arrives,
Unnoticed, unannounced.

Quiet,
At first.

Slow,
Seeping, dripping.

I put it down to a few stressful weeks.
I carry on.

It unpacks,
Worries, anxieties.

Gently,
For now,

Tiptoes,
Whispers, creaks.

‘It will leave soon’ I think ‘It always does.’
I keep going.

It settles in,
Getting comfortable.

Getting louder,
And louder.

Banging thoughts,
Insomnia.

‘Please don’t be happening again’.
I shuffle along my daily routine.

Claws in,
Insidious.

Screaming,
24/7.

Shame, worthlessness,
Hurt.

‘Please go away’.
I’m barely coping.

Growing roots,
Into my brain and heart.

Blossoming pain,
With every beat.

Emptiness, loneliness,
Abandonment.

Silence, Stillness,
‘I can’t move, I can’t cope.’

Pieces of me
thrown away
like trash
Never consulted
Never asked
The direct result
of another’s conviction
or more commonly seen
consequences
from blind ambition

Paranoid
The fix is in
But no invitation
for me,
former me
or forever me
and all of my imitations
beset by my
limitations

Forwardly I lean
step in between
lines upon lines
hidden;
can’t be seen
Falling ill
Now trapped
by its machine
And from my vein;
My blood I spill

A still surface
with sticky sheen
amber tones
from which
I glean
a reason
Thrilled
What it might mean
A hunger
that
can not be filled

Nothing but lies
giving me chills
A shell
with values
not instilled
Instead
it’s dread
Their words
I’m fed
"Nutrients"
to fill my head

My outer skin
Its layer
thin
Not to attacks
No single act
or prayer
could patch
and fill it in
A hole
that’s black
is my first sin

A game
in which
no way to win
and no ending
once it
begins
With opened eyes
commence to see
The dorsal fins
surrounding me

Head starts
to spin
What could have been?
It doesn't matter
in the end
because
there's nothing
here for me
A demon-like reality

Where what you seek
Placed at your feet
The icing; sweet
Choices; not three
Have cake or eat
One choice not two
But want to eat
and have it too

All efforts
to retrieve the treat;
An outcome that
ends in defeat
A princess swept
off of her feat
But this feature
princess;
a creature
Spirit of
a soulless seeker

Deceitful speaker
Flames;
he’ll eat ya
Offers pain
Can’t heal;
life drained
Then reaching out
to use
life-line
but with each ring
hope further wanes

An answered call
done just in time
The chills
running all down my spine
Stand tall
just like Douglas-fir pine
With racing thoughts
filling my mind
I will be saved
Free from it all
God must exist
No time to stall
In battle
warriors
may fall
but no man's ever left behind

Only to find
With said spent dime
A dynamite kind of answer
-
A type
that might
cause strife
Can't plan for
Needed answer
Plight
like cancer
New chance to live
Worldly romancer
On planet Earth
A tiny dancer

A romantic thought
to think
fight fought
Instead a sinking ship
just dropped
This life?
If could
an ‘OUT’
would opt
No more
can take
Just make
it stop

As my thoughts wander,
after a night drunk on you,
I realize I can't remember a time where I didn't love you.

Not since that first conversation
seeing you shimmer
in the movie like snow
that stuck to us as we waited.

I was waiting,
I guess part of me always will be,
For that moment,
when I know it's safe to tell you,
You're the only person in the world,
I'd spend the rest of my life waiting for.

But my fear gets the best of me every time.

So I talk in questions
Sometimes just stay silent
Live in my head,
Swimming in the thoughts you inspire,
Wishing I had notation at the ready,
to get everything down,
but I only get pieces of it,
like you.

Just enough to keep wanting more
but never enough to satiate my need.

I wonder what it would feel like to take the dive,
headlong into you,
to throw caution to the wind
and stop caring what happens to me after.
Simply live in the now.

In the tangible current
that surges between us.
The feel of your lips on mine.
The fear that the world might catch fire,
through flaws in its structure,
or flaws in our structure,
in our inability to follow any rules.
"**** the Man. save The Empire."

I'm too tired to function,
but my brain is on auto you.

I wish I could shut it off.

Sweet words are nothing.
Words so empty, and fruitless.
No "sweetheart" will fix it.

How can your words still hurt me?
After all, you deserted me.
Time and, time again.

Do you feel like a man?
With my clothes tossed in trash bags.
When you're tossing me out, like the garbage you never throw out.

Do you feel like the man?
When you scream my worthless life lies in your hands.
Wrecking every defense I have put up.

How dare you wonder why I'm so messed up?
Jumping at every shout.
The shivers when I greet authority.

The name calling never gets old.
The words ring in my head like a catchy song.
The shouts echo in my brain.

You wanted to break me.
Wounding me so emotionally.
Scarring me like a ghost haunting me.

Don't try and play daddy.
Now that I have disappointed you.
You're too late.

Remember when you told me?
How you hoped I ended up in a wooden crate.
That's the night you really left me.

Do you feel like the man now?

my buddy keeps me chained to the bed
he's like a dark shadow, consuming and-
and my pal, the one that's there when i look into the past,
thinks that he can be a good friend;
they double team me, pin me down,
choke me 'til i feel sick
'til tears leak from shadowed eyes.
it's one hell of a *******, let me tell you
i barely leave the bedroom
i've barely left the house in months

see my last lover cheated on me
so i'm sticking to friends with benefits now—
they don't mind sharing me
and sometimes they invite more chums along.
i'd give their names but you'd lose interest;
nobody wants to talk about my love life
once they can put faces to my promiscuity

all this company
and i'm alone as can be
did you know it's been over three months
since anybody touched me?
since i touched anybody else?
"what about your lovers"
they're teases, really—what else could drive me to tears?
i shed three today
i think they call that growing

but i could still see his shadow behind my eyelids
hear his voice inside my mind
and then i was three years old again,
no lovers, no threesomes, no gang bangs
just screaming and tears and
"big boys don't cry"
'daddy, i'm three'
his new girlfriend washes me clean
'why is daddy angry?'
"let me shampoo your hair, there's sick everywhere"

back in the moment and i'm eighteen years old
i taste acid in my throat.
there's a broken bowl.
another lover━this one cool and callous and uncaring━
she comes and sweeps me back to bed;
she's efficient like that,
i no longer care if i'm living or dead.
i still feel sick but-
i'm fine. all these friends slash lovers
it's okay because they're mine.
you don't know how much it means to a lonely child
to have something he can hold onto,
to say, "i'm gonna live with these guys for the rest of my life."

In the skeletal remains of the night
an echoing whimper of a frightening cry

"Daddy, there's monsters where there's no light."

I join under the covers and hum a soft lullaby

Daddy is here to protect
of all that haunts in the night
no cranny left unchecked
no monster left to fright

Sobbing, you moved your tiny body closer
threw your little arm around
laid your head on my shoulder
"Thank you daddy"
was your final sound

Eyes finally closed
breathing finally slowed
embraced and composed
your dream I borrowed.