a vaccine
to protect you from something
so insignificant
so troublesome
so deadly
as the flu

something people don't think about
don't think to avoid or get away from
can come back to knock you out
for days and weeks

a tiny virus

small things can hurt
small things can be devastating
they come inside and they never leave
expanding, growing
until they take over

small, insignificant things
a virus
an insult
a name
a rule
a message

things people don't think about
could have devastating effects
if only there was a shot
that could protect against them all

yet again, it happened
a cry of frustration, a scream
then a somewhat satisfying smack
of skin on concrete
not enough to bleed
not enough to leave a bruise
but enough to hurt for days

not every mark is visible
not everyone can see
what is happening to me
what's going on in my mind

a place held under lock and key
easily hidden away
so i can make people stay
by making them blind.

but sometimes there comes a day
where i can't hold it inside,
for fear that something within me has died
and maybe it has

a place of learning is what it's supposed to be
you sit in a hall, with a professor giving a lecture
and then you go back to a room
where you're not supposed to be lonely.

it's supposed to be a place to be reborn,
to choose who you want to be and renew
yourself, to cut ties with who you were and
be who you want to be. not to be torn.

torn between two lives, two selves
one i want to be, one i want to forget
these selves who keep clashing within me
unable to quiet themselves.

will i learn to be the independent young man
who can be himself around others, brave
and strong, or will i be forever who i once was,
alone, following a restrictive plan?

i may not have changed, but i would like to
if only there was a course that i could take
how many credits would it be, to change me
into someone who's not constantly blue?

ironic, isn't it. the school colors are my personality
pantone 292, a shade of blue that doesn't fit
because it's not my school. pantone 2955 is more my color
dark, sad, and full of emotion, heavy with morality.

a failed assignment here, a missed lecture there
a slowly increasing workload, both real and imagined
a life of hard work and loneliness
leaving me truly unprepared

the problem with learning about people
is that it's one class you can't afford to fail.
because if you do, you fail at life itself.

oh hope, how you twist the minds
of people, hiding reality through
a window with hastily shut blinds
ending with nothing but anger
nothing but pain coming from you,
nothing audible over this dismal clangor

where we try to succeed and yet
i know we will fail
everything causing me to fret,
pursuing her to no avail

love and loneliness have made you
stronger than you really should be
for even in the beginning i always knew
that this would never work for me

you helped me find love, to hold
onto something real, someone special
but right now i feel numb and cold

nothing can fill the place in my heart
where she fills me right now,
so why did you even find her a part
in my life, why is this a thing you'd allow
if you knew that each moment would be torture,
making me feel like i'm not enough to make
her feel like she's perfect, becoming the author
of my own suffering, my insecurity destined
to push her away, my attitude too dismal
and my mind too desolate, bested by
these circumstances that seem so abysmal.

i hate you, hope
because i'm afraid

because i fear you've given me the taste
of what i've longed for my entire life

and now you seem poised to take it away
to take her from my life because i'm not enough
and i'll never be able to see anyone but her,
as alone and solitary as before, if not more.

you know that feeling
you get when
you don't belong?

you know that feeling
when you work hard
but it feels fake?

you know that feeling
when you look around
and think you're insignificant?

you know that feeling
when you feel like you
don't deserve any of it?

well
this feeling has a name

i thought a name would make it feel better
but
it just lets me add to the list
of problems i can't solve

all the power
of the greatest search engine
in the world
and i still can't find what i'm looking for

Showing results for the search will never end?

i'm searching for friends
but i can't seem to figure out what type to keep
i'm searching for confidence
it's not supported on my browser
i'm searching for happiness
but i just lost my connection

the search is useless if always fruitless

what is text
but simply
words on a screen
a combination of
lines and curves
to form words

making meaning out of nothing
that is what we do
we make language
out of these arcane symbols
and attach meanings to them
that aren't there

two people can read something
and interpret completely different things

you always say hello
and you say we're soulmates
but why does it feel like we've already said goodbye?

she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close
like i can reach out
and feel her

but i don't need to reach
i do feel her

in my heart
in my mind
in my soul

she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close

i want to keep this feeling

i miss you, it's true
i miss you, i do
i've tried hard not to
but it's all i can do

there's a yearning in my soul
it's aching for yours
but you're so far away
and i can't reach you

01101001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101110 01111001 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110011 01101111 01101110 01110011 00001010 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101001 01101110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 00001010 01110011 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110100 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01101101 01111001 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110

blocked by my mind,
words no longer flow
as easy as the clear tears
released from the soul
or the crimson ones
released from the pain

or at least
as easy as they used to
my feelings are somewhat dulled
tears don't come
neither do my urges

it's a strange limbo

i'm unsure what to feel, or what i am feeling

in economics
prices go up
easier than they go down

but i find
with emotions
it's quite the opposite

it's much easier
for everything to fall
to crash down into disrepair
and never be the same

they aren't easy
and sometimes don't mean that
something is going away

sometimes it just means
something is just slightly
out of your reach

and it really *****
to see it there
just a hair's breadth away
and find yourself unable
to reach out and grab it

to reach out and grab her
to pull her into my arms
and tell her what i feel

no

i can no longer do that
i can no longer open your heart
i can no longer lay your soul bare

it hurts her too much
when my own blood won't accept her
no matter what i do

and it hurts
so much
to see her in pain
it hurts more than anything else
so maybe things are better?

maybe things are better for her?
i can't tell what's better for me
whatever i think is best seems to turn out wrong

so whatever happens
if she's okay
i'll be okay with it
and i'll always be here

i'm going to be honest
i don't know exactly
what it is i'm feeling

is it anger?
is it guilt?
is it grief?
is it remorse?
is it acceptance?

i don't know what i should do
it's better this way, i'm sure
but i don't want things to be this way

i hoped
and now i've learned
hope is a mistake

people don't change
i won't change
i'm still going to love you

my love
is just fine
but i still hurt you

it's not my fault
but yet it is
i made you fall for me
and gave you hope
when i knew there
was nothing we could be

i'm going to miss
the way we were
the dreams of what could come
but i'm grateful for the time we had
even though it was only some

it's better this way
i think
i hope
i pray that you're okay

i'm sorry i dragged you into this
i hope you forgive me one day

but even if we're only friends
i think i'll be okay

i love you for who you are
not how you make me feel
so maybe some distance isn't bad

and like i said
people don't change
i won't change
i'm still going to love you

let's see what happens

love is
a strange thing
you can love someone one way
and love someone else
a completely different one
yet it's still love

love is
a resilient thing
you can be hurt by someone
and be turned away
time after time
but still it's love

love is
a powerful thing
you can be helped by someone
without realizing they're helping you
and despite everything you've been through
they still love

love is love
it's not always obvious
but it's there, somewhere

je ne sais pas
ça que je dois faire
j'aime une fille
mais mes parents m'a dit
que je ne peut pas
et ça me fait mal

je la vois tous les jours,
et mon coeur
ne bat que pour elle

mais il y a des moments
quand je souhaite
que mon coeur arrête de battre

je t'aime
j'ai essayé de ne pas t'aimer
mais je ne peut pas m'arrêter
je t'aime
avec tout mon coeur
avec mon âme
avec tout ce que je suis

et peu importe
qui me dit que je ne peux pas
je t'aimerai toujours

je t'aime

i was asked
if i am stuck on a desert island
would i try to escape?

i sat there, staring, unsure how to respond
would i want to escape?
on a desert island,
i could do what i want
i could be free of judgement
free of competition
free of constraints
free
but also alone

i stared for a few moments, musing quietly
unsure whether i should take this time
to open up, or to retreat further back into my shell
should i tell them that sometimes i feel better alone?

somehow i manage to drag the corners of my lip up,
giving them a smile and telling them
of course i'll find my way off

because that's what i'm supposed to say
because loneliness is not okay
but what if i still feel alone?

anything can be helpful
from a poem to a pencil,
the light of a star
to what caused a scar
you just have to look
to be creative
find a new outlook
be positive

it's not easy
i never said it was
but you have to try

someone
i need help
i cannot live this life anymore
but i don't want to die
this life of mine
it's not going to change
my life is a bad song on repeat
and i don't know what to do

i look at you
and suddenly
i'm overcome with the urge
to do something
to make your smile even brighter
to make you happier
to make your heart flutter
and your cheeks warm

i look at you,
and for a moment
i'm also
overcome with the ability
to not fear
what comes after

and i lean forward,
my lips pressing against you,
our fingers intertwining,
my eyes looking into yours
and i smile
for in this moment,
to me,
you matter
and nothing else

i will build you up
from the bottom to the top
taking my time
sculpting you from ideas,
my words and thoughts
the mortar that holds you together
and after some time
you will be standing
tall and proud
you are me
but you're also not me

it is when i finish that i realize
what i was working so hard to put together
was the semblance of a reality i wish i lived in
that close-lipped smile
those brown eyes that seem to host no care in the world
but also that shoulder, unfinished and covered
so the world cannot hope see it

there you are
or there i am
standing in plain sight,
happy and wonderful,
but underneath
that's also not me

the years have dulled the edges of that smile
eroded the brightness of those eyes
that used to have no care, that used to shine
now dark and despondent
the stones packed too tightly together to be moved
to let out what's inside
the real me

and now i realize
i wasn't building this  
this character wasn't built by me
the brick over my heart was placed by another
the glass around my mind was placed by another

the glass
which showcases my mind
yet also burns it
offers it no shade
no rest
yet the glass has grown foggy
so what lies afar is unseen
maybe unattainable

but as the years pass,
and the stone is worn away
all that is left
is a dome of glass
surrounding a mind
limiting it's possibilities
until nothing is left

funny things, names are
evidently not something
destined to be removed
even with a true sense of
real dislike or disgust
including those moments when you are
called your name, and it feels like a
knock to the head

all the time, i want to
leave my own name behind me,
escape it, even if there are no copies, like my
xerox machine has been broken
and i am the only one with my title
no other person is stuck with this
devastating name, yet nobody
else can feel the warmth when
right out of nowhere, someone warms your heart with a new one

gone are the days when i
openly regret my name,
not because i am now a
zealous fan of my title, but because i
am a new me, or trying to be a
little more sure of myself, comfortable with me
even though I still feel like it makes people
zoom their attention in on me

it is hard to put up with my name
mainly because I don't like it
i never had
especially not the initials
but i've survived a few years with it
and gained a few more along the way
and in retrospect
to all of you who don't like your names
***** everyone who doesn't appreciate it
as long as you like it yourself
it's good enough

i woke up this morning
on the wrong side
of the bed
which is my fault
it's my fault i'm overworked
it's my fault i'm stressed
it's my fault i can't sleep
it's my fault it takes time
      to finish everything i have
it's my fault for everything
i can't stop
i can't slow down
i can't get upset
  when things are unfair
i can't  b  r  e  a  t  h  e
but worst of all
i'm seventeen
and i can't act my age
i'm told i am young
yet i cannot be young
so go ahead
keep saying you told me so
when you never did
keep blaming me for
all my faults
i won't be here much longer
to hear it

it comes and goes
no clear pattern
no clear reason
it's here one moment
then gone the next

there's so much
I want to say
but i don't know
how to say it
how to get it out

it's stuck within me
trapped, yearning
for an escape, a glimpse
of what the world might be like
if i knew what to do

but the thing is
i don't know what to do
nobody really knows
what they're supposed to do
what i'm supposed to do

here i sit
tapping out words
trying to focus my feelings
into something that
can be understood

understood
not just by
the people who
happen to see it
and make my numbers rise

but no
understood
by me
because i don't understand
myself

in my life
i've been creative
and changed who i am
to fit who i was
"supposed to be"

acted happy because
i was too young to be sad
acted amused when
it was the wrong time
to be depressed

acted strong
when it was stupid
to be weak
acted mature
when i was still just a kid

but now
i'm not creative enough
to write
or to act
and i don't know who to be

i know what i want
but is it what i want,
or is it only  
what i'm supposed to want?

how come
when it came to
pretending to be
someone else
it was so easy

but now
that i'm trying to discover
who i am
i cannot?
who am i?

it's official
it has been
a month

a whole,
wild month
but still a month

a month of
countless words
and
hundreds of views

though the question is
what is the point of this?
i've been here a month
and i'm still not sure

do i write here
just so
i have an outlet?
to get these feelings out?

am i here
to seek acceptance
to find people who feel like me
or who appreciate my thoughts?

am i just here
to feel wanted and understood
to hear praise and
watch my views climb?

is this a way for me
to say things to people
that i don't have the courage to say
in real life?

or am i here to help
diffuse my anger
and dull the pointed edges
of my soul
and try to put together
the shattered parts of me
by accepting them myself?

a while ago, i read a quote
it says:
"The child who is not embraced by the village
will burn it down to feel it's warmth"
it made me think
whether or not that child
is me
am i being unreasonable
am i making trouble
just because
i haven't felt the warmth
i've always craved?
am I really being good
or just seeking attention?
is that all my deeds are
when looked at
with an ice cold eye?
am i just being troublesome
to try to gain
some semblance of acceptance
from my own family?
are the things i do
things i want to do
or a way for me to just lash out
to be noticed or praised
for something?
am i trying to burn down
my relationship with my family
to feel the warmth
that was never there?

why is it
that you complain
that i'm working
all the time
and I do nothing but work
yet when i get home
the first words you tell me
rather than hello
is a list of things that need doing?

how come
you complain
that i'm not a happy person
that i don't smile enough
that i feel pain
both emotional and physical
yet when you find out
you are the cause
of many of my problems
you turn away?

how is it
that you command me
to do my work
quickly and efficiently
yet when I ask
for something so simple
that will let me work harder
in a shorter time
with better results
you deny me?

why is it
that you always talk
about a future of mine
of romance and
of love and
of happy days
and opportunity
yet when i ask
for those things you say I deserve
you shake your head sternly
and say no?

how come
each day
you tell me
school is the priority
and that nothing else matters
yet when i say myself
that i am nothing more
than the value of my gpa
you say that
it simply isn't true

why is it
when i ask how it isn't true
when i ask whet else is there to me
than my grades
and the hours i have
from community service
you have nothing to say?

why is it
you're always complaining
but you never listen
to the solutions
to your own problems?

i don't want to be your problem
but you're making me into one

there are hills
and there are valleys
you can always tell
when you're down,
down in the valley
overshadowed by the
high walls
dotted with uncertainty
like weathered footholds
until finally you walk out
for each ballet has
an ending
but you're not truly free
when all you can think of
are the walls that stand
no longer
so without meaning to
you end up
right where you started
back in the valley
a vicious cycle
that never seems to end

i don't understand
how you presume to tell me
you want to solve our
miscommunication problem
no
first of all
it is not our problem
it is yours
every time you don't listen to me
every time you take what I say
take my pure, innocent words
and twist their meanings
that is miscommunication
every time you lie about what i said
or act as if i never said anything at all
that is miscommunication
how dare you spend hours each night
complaining about your lack of friends
and the horrid things they do
to a person twice as horrid
how dare you come tell me
that you don't want to be around
people whom you can't talk to
who don't want to listen to what you have to say
people who don't give you time to speak
or when they're mad, turn you away
you do the same thing to me
so maybe i should ignore you
like you say you should ignore them
maybe i should turn away from you
cast you away, curse your name
scream your evil deeds to the world
but no
you forbid it
and a fool, i listen
i listen because i love you
i love you despite everything you've put me through
the **** you've made me feel like
the fractures in my soul that can never feel
the emptiness within me
i still love you
and i hate myself for it
because i can't stop
i can't stop wanting to please you
i can't go against you
how dare you presume to tell me
that you were like me
therefore you understand what i'm feeling
that you're sorry for what i'm feeling
you know nothing
you haven't lived my life
you haven't faced what i've faced
you haven't hurt like i've hurt
you haven't fought like i've fought
you never fought
you never tried
you
you
you did nothing
you stood by and watched
while here i am
actually trying to do something
and you keep beating me down
how dare you
how dare you
and you dare say you love me
how dare you
i love you
but i hate you
you're never going to read this
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything
because for all the love you say you have
you don't give a **** about me
all you want is control
well
have all the control you want
it's gone in four months
just like i will be
there's nothing left between us
this will be goodbye
you won't miss me
you'll just miss having someone to boss around
and you'll realize too late
that you could have tried
to care
about your son

why is it
to feel at home
to feel like peace
i feel like
i have to run
far, far away?

also known as
11 o'clock
also known as
the time i have to go to bed
also known as
the time i have to leave my happy place
also known as
the time for me to get away from my work, but
also known as
the time for me to put away what makes me happy
also known as
the time for me to lie awake for hours
also know as
the time for me to go to war with my thoughts

never known as
anywhere near when I find sleep

dreams are sometimes very strange
and they're hell to interpret
few make any sense at all
and some are just not clear yet

some show you your deepest desires
while others reveal your deepest fear
some show the future
while others show what's dear

the thing about dreams
is you cannot chose
which ones you can remember
or if they took place
in february
or even late december

but some stay longer
than i ever wish
and plage me day and night
for some of them
reveal to me
the verity of my plight

they show my hopes
and what i want
then take it all away
for when i open up my eyes
i must begin my day

as the sun flies high
and the day goes on
i begin to realize
that my happiness lies
in hopes and dreams
that have still not become true

i sit here
staring at a blank screen
with the word poem
staring back at me

i sit here
unsure what i'm
supposed to be doing
my face reflected
in the dimly lit screen

i know i want to write
but i don't know what else
and the words that usually flow
aren't here
and i'm not quite sure
if it's because i have nothing to say
or because i'm just
tired of it all today

i know what i'm saying
i can see myself saying it
but i don't know if i should
i really shouldn't
but i can't stop myself
and that seems to be my problem

i don't know how to start
or i can't bring myself to start
but once i've started
i can't stop

these words flow
from my mind to my fingertips
almost as if there was no filter
nothing stoping my words
making me think
and it's only after i hit enter
that i realize
i should not have said that
written that
meant that
wanted that

things aren't as they used to be
these are thoughts i should not be having
but i can't seem to stop myself
the thoughts are too wonderful
and i've had too many dark ones
to keep these at bay
but in order to be
what i'm supposed to be
i have to stop them somehow
but it's hard
because i don't want to

see

this started as a poem
and it became a rant
because my thoughts are flowing
like tears down the cheek
of my past self
crouched in a stairwell
my stairwell
well, our stairwell
when where was a we
to make it ours
but really, we never existed, did we?

it was just a dream
a fantasy
flirts and words through a screen
and a couple rebellious actions
fueled by love, and adoration
but that dream has to end

these thoughts must stop
though i don't want them to
they must stop
as if i were still
staring at this screen
with nothing to say

as i've said before
i'm kind of weird
and ever since i met her
i've felt safe
to be weird around her

first i was highlighter
and she was my compass
and it went on like that
and it felt nice
being named by her

then one day
i let out a squeak
or more like the roar
of a small dinosaur
and it pleased her

it made her laugh,
it made her smile
and then came the name
i can never live down
her baby dino

i try and try
and no matter how hard
it doesn't go away
but though i pretend to hate it
it makes me smile

"I'm at least a big dino now"
i say with a pout
"i'm menacing and evil"
and she just shares
that wonderful laugh of hers

and despite everything
it brings back memories
of times that are past
and of her
and she always manages
to make me smile

so here's to you,
wonderful girl

RAWR

-your baby dino

i tried
and tried
and tried again
but each time came back defeated

all we did
was scream
and scream
in a cycle that never ended

it's still not over
though all is silent
and we are rooms apart

but the relationship
we used to have
is one that did not start

i fought for you
my love, i did
but still have not succeeded

i stood my ground
did not back down
but still come back defeated

the unstoppable force
meets the immovable object
one of them has to fail

the one who's small
and somewhat weak
yet definitely not frail

they say they know
what's best for me
and i really don't agree

but it's my life
how can i know
the thing that's best for me


the more i try
the harder it gets
to gain a little ground

the more i fight
more words come out,
against my soul they pound

it seems there's nothing
i can do
to try and live my life

must i shut up
and be resigned
to live one full of strife?

some people
have it worse, i know
but i cannot go on

to go on following
orders which
from a hat are drawn

there is no sense
or logic found
behind their painful words

the only thing
i've got so far
is home amongst the nerds

what is the point
of fighting now
when so much i can lose

and how can i
decide that now
when i've never had to choose?

i tried
and tried
and tried again
but each time came back defeated

and now i've failed
and can't go on
i'm sorry, i am beaten

now that she's no longer here
to kiss them away
or at least offer to,
rather than happening less often
it seems they happen much more

it seems
the rift
will never be healed

i know what it is that i have to do
it sounds like such a simple thing
standing up against unfairness

rebelling against
those who don't  care to listen
those who don't care to understand
stand up for what you believe
stand up for what you want
fight for what you want

i'm surrounded by a climate
where it is said
staying silent means you are agreeing
you are submitting, and once you submit
you're stuck in submission

i'm surrounded by people
saying i need to fight
**** the consequences
just fight for what i want

i'm not sure if i'm just weak and afraid
or they just don't know what i'm dealing with
but how can someone tell you your voice matters
your opinions, your beliefs, are important and strong
then not listen to you and enforce their own onto you?
do they have a right, because without them, you'd be dead?

what will they do when i stand up?

it is said
man's greatest fear
is the fear of the unknown
i don't know what will happen
and i don't know if i'm brave enough
to find out

she says
she's not a poet
but i find her poems
to have more meaning
more beauty, more heart
to them than mine
and the way
she uses her words
can change how a person is feeling
from sad to happy
just with a couple of phrases
knitted together

she says
she's not a good writer
but those early morning
last minute essays
of pure adrenaline and
half-awake thoughts
present ideas
in such a way
that it's impossible
to find them anything
but perfect

she says
she's not sure
what her future will bring
but i know her
she's smart
and she's
so wonderfully stubborn
that wherever she may end up
she will go farther
than anyone could have ever imagined
including me
i can't predict exactly where she'll be
in 4 months
or 4 years
but i know her path will go
down the most bountiful roads
and in the end
she'll be happy
and all will be worth it

she says
she's not grateful
but almost everything she does
she does for others
she loves her parents
and hurts when they hurt
she realizes what they do
for her, and wants to make them
the proudest parents on earth
she loves her friends
and tries to make them better

she says
she's a relationship whisperer
and i guess she's right
because with a few choice words
gentle nudges and an onslaught
of appreciated suggestions
she whispered us together

she says
that the dark spots on the sun
can bring shadow
to the most brilliant light
but not even
the dark of endless night
can dim her brightness
or hide her from those
who see her for who she is
who see her potential

she doubts herself
sometimes she thinks
she won't succeed,
always worried
that what she's done
isn't enough
or that there's too little time
to get everything done
but no matter the odds
no matter what she's up against
she pushes through
she persists, she fights
and she gets what she wants
or as close to what she wants
as is actually possible
sometimes she even achieves the impossible
and it's nothing if not admirable
showing me that anything is possible
proving to me that
"You could rattle the stars
You could do anything
If only you dared"
not by anything i've done
but by everything she's accomplished

she says
she's not beautiful
true, she's not a model
but that doesn't mean she's not perfect
but the way those eyes shine
like earth kissed by spring rain
promising life and happiness,
mirrored by her wide smile
though not often seen,
just one smile from her
is like a ray of sunshine
through grimy windows
bringing light into a place
that knew nothing but darkness,
warm enough to melt the walls
surrounding the coldest of hearts

somehow,
sometimes
she says she's ugly
possibly due to the scars
dotting her arms and her back
scars which started years ago
but on the contrary
i think they just enhance her
they make her more human
each one a reminder
that she's been through
countless things in her life
but instead of giving up
instead of giving in
she's come through,
a lump of carbon
forged by the fires
of her world
and the pressure of
her surroundings
the pressure of life
and came out
the most precious of diamonds
not the biggest
but the most wonderful of all
with small flecks of imperfections
that make it shine all the brighter

i say
she's often right,
but the subject
becomes herself
and she's far from the truth
she's absolutely wonderful
and in my eyes
perfect
a perfect person
and a perfect friend
the most beautiful woman on earth
mentally and physically
and there's nobody else
i'd rather love

each moment
i begin to
lose my mind

i am not
a fan of
being idle

it makes me think
and that
is never good

they say
what doesn't **** you
makes you
stronger
but how true is that?
changed, yes
but stronger?
not alone
but if we put aside our differences
and come together
we can make a change

together

we can show them
what needs to happen

together

we can support each other
learn to laugh again
smile again

together

what doesn't **** us
makes us stronger


together

you walk in
expecting a warm welcome
or something
moderately normal
but there it is
the wall
it can easily be removed
if they tried
but no
they ignore it
and expect you to climb over it
or they just
they throw you against it
over
and over
and then when you put one up
just once, when you really
had no choice
or just wanted to feel special
they try to tear it down
and shame you for it
they're always putting up walls
i can't tell what's worse
when they can easily remove it
but won't
or when they can't

it's dark outside
kind of like
how i am
but inside

it's quiet outside
completely different
from how i am
but inside

you can't see it
but i'm crying out
for help

or maybe you do see it
but you don't care
enough to help

yes, there are
a few who do
try to help
but a small number
in the single digits
well, really
only one

but there are
a ton more
who think they
know what's best
making me do
what they want
and i'm done

i can't stop them
from making me
feel like ****,
no more than i
can get them
to listen

but i can stop them
from seeing they hurt me
and going on
with this life
until there's no one who
can listen

after too long
it becomes too easy
to put on this mask
like everything's okay

and it's been too long
that even those who
know you the best
think things are okay

i've been pushed too far
and i'm not sure
i can find my way back

not yet
not alone

yet that seems to be
what i have to be



alone

sometimes it feels
like i'm dropped
in the middle of a storm
and told to swim back to shore
i'm...
not strong
but i'm not weak
and i know how to swim
so i start the long journey
to what i hope will be better
than these tumultuous waves
the daunting waves that
seem impenetrable
overbearing and
destructive
yet i swim
the only options available
are to go on or die
to use my strength
my patience and energy
in hope of reaching
that heavenly shore
doing nothing but swimming
until i get there
or i could give in
and let the waves win
in the water
the rain falls, the currents
pull this way and that
but i keep on paddling
because that's all i know how to do
and when i get to shore
what i imagined to be
bountiful
beautiful
full of hope and promise
is just a barren land of despair
and i fall to my knees
wondering what i'd done to come here
and knowing it is too late
for things to get better

what choices are there, really?
you have what you want to do
and what you're supposed to do

but is there really a choice?
when you're young
all you can do
is what you're
supposed to

you're told by everyone
do what you want
rebel
don't stay the same

they say
you'll change
when the fear of staying the same
is greater
than the fear of change

but if the fear of changing
is too great
does that mean
i'm stuck like this
for the rest
of my life?

can i even call this life
if i can't choose to live?
i want to do more than just survive

but it's not up to me

when you trade
one version of harm
for another
does that mean
you're getting better

or just getting better
at hiding it?