oh hope, how you twist the minds
of people, hiding reality through
a window with hastily shut blinds
ending with nothing but anger
nothing but pain coming from you,
nothing audible over this dismal clangor

where we try to succeed and yet
i know we will fail
everything causing me to fret,
pursuing her to no avail

love and loneliness have made you
stronger than you really should be
for even in the beginning i always knew
that this would never work for me

you helped me find love, to hold
onto something real, someone special
but right now i feel numb and cold

nothing can fill the place in my heart
where she fills me right now,
so why did you even find her a part
in my life, why is this a thing you'd allow
if you knew that each moment would be torture,
making me feel like i'm not enough to make
her feel like she's perfect, becoming the author
of my own suffering, my insecurity destined
to push her away, my attitude too dismal
and my mind too desolate, bested by
these circumstances that seem so abysmal.

i hate you, hope
because i'm afraid

because i fear you've given me the taste
of what i've longed for my entire life

and now you seem poised to take it away
to take her from my life because i'm not enough
and i'll never be able to see anyone but her,
as alone and solitary as before, if not more.
i go back and forth
every couple of months
performing my ritual dance
of what ifs and i hopes

no matter what i do
i always return
to this ancestral place
of insecurity and naivety

i'm tired of this war
waged between
my mind and my heart
it's caused me to grow old
and become someone
who is tenfold my age

but time goes on
and i'm still here
performing the same dance
perfecting it for the grand finale
of when the vultures swoop in
and tear the remains of my heart to shreds

i'm tired of this war
i don't know how much more i can take
the voices around me say to drop the rope, the game is done
but i still find myself tugging with everything i have
which is only a fragile wish for a future
that may possibly never come
i lay here, in the darkness
my room lit by a screen
wallowing in restlessness
with a mind that i can't deem
good enough to do anything,
a soul that seems too broken
to be grand, to become something
to make a change, to make something happen

but then you come along
in the mornings, when i wake
you're here, but far away, and
you turn my days into the lyrics of a song
you make a dirty pond seem a picturesque lake
and you make this soul seem wonderful and grand

the truth is, all the good you see
would be nothing without you
what i see, the real me
is terrible, and i find that true

i lay here on my pillow
wishing you could be here
i just want you to know
you're all i hold dear

i'll try to be better for you
there's nobody else in this world who
understands me like you do

i don't want to let you down
i want to be all that you see
even when i feel like i'm about to drown
i want what you see to be the real me
you know that feeling
you get when
you don't belong?

you know that feeling
when you work hard
but it feels fake?

you know that feeling
when you look around
and think you're insignificant?

you know that feeling
when you feel like you
don't deserve any of it?

well
this feeling has a name

i thought a name would make it feel better
but
it just lets me add to the list
of problems i can't solve
all the power
of the greatest search engine
in the world
and i still can't find what i'm looking for

Showing results for the search will never end?

i'm searching for friends
but i can't seem to figure out what type to keep
i'm searching for confidence
it's not supported on my browser
i'm searching for happiness
but i just lost my connection

the search is useless if always fruitless
what is text
but simply
words on a screen
a combination of
lines and curves
to form words

making meaning out of nothing
that is what we do
we make language
out of these arcane symbols
and attach meanings to them
that aren't there

two people can read something
and interpret completely different things

you always say hello
and you say we're soulmates
but why does it feel like we've already said goodbye?
Late post
she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close
like i can reach out
and feel her

but i don't need to reach
i do feel her

in my heart
in my mind
in my soul

she's so far away
yet today
she feels so close

i want to keep this feeling
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