time flows quickly
it's been over a month since
we told each other "I love you"
something we both knew probably
should not have even happened
since this love we share is strictly not allowed
nothing is really allowed
not joy, not kindness nor compassion
or rest, or relaxation
not happiness

but hell, she knew it was
not okay with them
"**** it", she said
before she leaned in
and kissed me
and after that
it was a boulder
rolling down a hill
too fast and too hard to stop

i tried
i really did
i tried to get them to see
to make them okay with it
to let me live for once
but as always
nonononononononono
    nonononononononono
nonononononononono
            nonononononononono
               nonononononononono
                   nonononononononono
no
just endlessly saying no
to anything they didn't like
didn't agree with
it was hard
hiding everything
i understand it's not easy
to pretend the love you feel
doesn't exist
to resist every temptation
to pull them to the side
and return to the peace
you feel in their presence

but it's hard
sometimes it's too hard
it's too hard for her
and it's becoming too hard for me
if i win her, i lose my family
if i keep my family, i lose her

if i fight
i will lose

if i stay silent
i lose

it seems
by trying to be happy for once
i lost

it's not over yet
but there's no happy ending
no
i don't get a happy ending
it's probably not allowed
if it were even possible

to all you people
who walk around
with a genuine smile
you have no idea how lucky you are
to be allowed to have joy in your life
to not have it denied to you
by the people
who claim that they love you
and who expect nothing
but your best

stay happy

i have always
been naturally warm
and i used to
think it's something strange,
unnatural or weird,
just another way
i was different
from everyone else
an outcast

then i met her
and she happened
to be strangely cold
and she seemed to
need something warm
and i discovered
that our souls
were just two halves
of one whole

my warmth   easing her cold
her kindness easing my thoughts
my words widening her smile
her mind awakening my heart
my arms holding her close
her heart giving me love
for the first time
in 17 years
.

a headache
a pain that cleaves your skull in two
yet gives me an excuse
to demand endless kisses
from my love
to help me heal
the rift in my brain

life was a wasteland
a warzone, unconquerable
indomitable and cataclysmic
unyielding
it seemed like i was
d
   r
     o
       w
           n
              i
                n
                   g
i was trapped
and endless, fruitless cycle
borne back ceaselessly
to where i started
never able to reach the end
either too weak or too cowardly
to break out of the loop
fighting
yelling
screaming
trust shattered
deceit, betrayal

suddenly

she came in the most unlikely places
a soft, unrelenting light in the darkest of times
a smile in a crowd of ******* faces
a face, wiping away the lines
of worry. of fear.
of sadness. of pain.

she came unannounced, unexpected
slipping past my defenses, a thief.
made me feel accepted,
calmed my grief.
my fears.
my pain.

i'm not perfect, I never will be
but now there's a better part
of me that I'm starting to see
ever since we traded hearts
moving past the fears
moving past the pain