Are you proud of me darling
That I didn’t give into the flesh
Even with those pills popped
Her pants dropped
I still had the fortitude to deny her requests

And in that moment I was so high
Off of prescriptions I was too drunk to pronounce
I think they were hydro- wait
hol-holdup
hold on a secontt
No, I can stand just give me a-
I’m not even that draank calm down

Even with the room spinning
My consciousness fading
My heart closed my eyes and turned me around

Sweetheart are you proud..
That the list of my goals and ambitions
Is stained by your lipstick
To be honest, all of my dreams are too hard to see through these rose colored glasses
But they’re my greatest asset
And if I ever removed them...
Even just to catch up on some sleep
I might give up.
I might give up on you
and my family and friends
and life
and my cat- I know I don’t have one yet
but these rose colored dreams... so delightful-
sigh
Alright, I’ll remove them for a verse

Kiddo, am I proud?
No.
Absolutely not.
I am not noble in turning away those who show interest in me because..
Because you aren’t even mine
And I’m stuck in this delusion that everything will be fine
If I give it my all and move to LA
Chase after rose colored dreams until they lose their color someday.
And maybe
No- I know that I could waste the entirety of my existence chasing after your perfection
You’d think by now I would have learned my lesson.

But if you really do admire me like you say
And if distance is the only thing prying our hearts away
Then I’ll throw away this life-
I’ll turn down tempting lasses
And I’ll chase after you with my rose colored glasses

Listen, I’m so sorry for it all:
The distance or the bailouts with only a last minute call
To be honest you’re lucky if I even text you back
It’s not that I don’t love you guys the reason is that-

In the eyes of all of ya’ll, I’m the life of the party
But I lament: my well of life is almost empty
And you have every right to call me selfish
that I should keep it all to myself
But how could I ever have enough to share when my well’s almost out

I’m not that man worth admiring anymore
That guy to chug a Monster and break dance on the floor
Not because i knew how to dance at all
But because I lived to find you rolling beside me on the floor
laughing so hard we all cried

I know you miss that guy:
The guy who could make anyone into a friend in the blink of an eye,
The guy who’d spend an entire day preparing a single joke so he could make your day
The guy who didn’t care what anyone thought of him
The guy who always had an idea to make today a day worth remembering

You guys, I miss him too-
And that’s why I keep my distance from you
I can’t go anywhere without feeling hollow and blue
I could never bring life to the party

Nowadays I just chase a drink or two
Attempting to escape the existential dread that’s bound to pursue
As I waste away in my corner glowering
at the room
Daydreaming of how I once danced
like that too

I quest every day after that amazing guy I once knew
The doctor’s say I have depression 
and anxiety..
But unless you’ve experienced living every day trapped within a shell of a person with expectations you could never 
live up to,
Here’s your explanation:
I have amnesia.. and I don’t remember
who I am

And if you could maybe try being there for me instead of watching me wish every moment towards impending oblivion.. then maybe...
just maybe
someday..
we can both find who we’re looking for

Another candle on the cake
Another wasted year where nothing has changed
Ya know, when I was younger I thought by this point
I’d have my whole life arranged

“How’s the birthday boy” they ask
They’re not too wrong, you see
If I’m 22 two years old
Then how come I’m only half the man I used to be?

You asked me how I am?
Well, what am I supposed to say?
“Can you supply me with a basic, depthless response?”
I think that’s what you meant to say

Because if I told you how today makes me feel
You’d wonder why I’d have the gaul to ruin Your day
You’re here to celebrate
Whereas I’m here to entertain you until you go away

But Grandma, if you really want in
On today’s daily dose of looming existential dread
Let me blow out the candles first,
And then I’ll let you inside my head

They say when you blow out the candles you’re supposed to make a
wish
And every year- for as long as I can remember
I’ve had but one wish
That always goes unanswered

I wish that someone could love me
And fix me
Put on a suit of armor to help me fight my
Depression and anxiety

I wish for a companion
Who would never rest until I loved myself as much as they love me
Someone who’d never give up on me
For absolutely no reason or rhyme

I’m so sick and tired
Of being so eager for these wishes
Knowing that there’s no magic
But yet, hopelessly begging there’s power in this tradition

But this year, Mary
I didn’t wish for any of that
Because I’m tired of hoping and wishing.
I just wish for it all to be over

Specter of my past
Graveyard’s gate of my desires
Haunt me forever

What do I show you?
That I can sing and write?
That I can play guitar or cook a mean filet mingon?
Hell, if I could single handedly save the
world from it’s inevitable demise
I’d still do so without any passion..

What can I bring to the table
When you’re the only thing that  I
can imagine attributing any worth to?

When you are the air I breathe
Why I’m caught up in this mess
When you’re the echoes of my every desire
How could I ever bring enough to
your table?

Could someone please tell me:
When you’re standing in the presence
Of everything you’ve ever wanted
How could you ever be worthy of its
existence?