Crazy, crazy
this is my answer true
I'm half crazy
all for the lack of you
I don't need a ton
no I only need one
A little bite
to work just right
And get me away from blue

Goin out of my mind
with thoughts of unpleasantries
wish to leave behind
all these memories

Body is in haywire
from lack of medication
scars now she must acquire
trying to take some action

Unable to sit still
and just be at one with the moment
wonder who's will
would be on such a hunt

Unfair to be so miserable
and at war with oneself
scary the things inside this skull
and the things it wants to do to itself

Mommy yells and she screams
more now that she stopped drinking
I thought she'd be better
but what was I thinking?

Mommy's always been angry
at the dogs or at me
Sometimes I'm just playing
and she comes in screaming

Mommy seems so sad
sometimes glued to the couch
I try to ask what's wrong
her only reply is "ouch"

Where did Mommy go?
Will she come back to me?
Is this being passed down?
Will my children hear screams?

I hope Mommy comes back
and the doctors fix her head
I'm so tired of being scared
and hiding underneath my bed

I still love my mommy
you know I always will
but Mommy's disease is
a silent thing that kills

Can’t stand the way I feel inside
emotions running untamed and wild
My head keeps spinning as my mind races
like a troubled and unruly child

Wish to sit for only a minute
and be at one with myself
But I don’t even know who I am
no longer the picture on a shelf

Brain in a fog and mind a wreck
these feelings now out of control
Body going haywire from the mess
just waiting for sanity to unfold

Wake up
it's 6:00 AM
yet another night
you've ***** me again

Hips are aching
mind in a fog
all I can think about
is the way you got off

Using me for pleasure
that's all you've ever done
so tired of these nights
and the battles you've won

Want to end it all
and be free from your grip
this has been exhausting
and such a grueling trip

Don't want to be your toy
or used for such sick things
want to rest easy instead
of fearing what sleep brings

Lay down
it's 10:00 PM
afraid to sleep
here we go again

Nightmares and terrors
you're knocking on my door
"Hello again
my ***** little *****."

Or race around the maze
I never can escape
if you catch me
my body you'll undrape

Somebody wake me
someone set me free
I'm so tired of fighting
my night time enemy

Addiction or coping
what have we become?
As I sit with blade in hand
hoping to go numb.

It seems to take more
than what it used to be,
deeper go the slices
crimson rolling over me.

All I see is red
with tear-soaked cheeks
droplets form to rivers
which used to be creeks.

No way to stop now
is this addiction or coping?
One day I'll put down the blade
or so I keep hoping.

Abandoned once again
should've seen it coming
knew this would end
left with a short string.

Abandoned once again
by an authoritative figure
someone I was supposed to call
when I didn't know the answer.

Abandoned once again
by a person, I learned to trust
now I wonder if my
step work is a bust.

Abandoned once again
now I must do the work
to find another sponsor
and hope they're not a ****.

Shakes, so deep my body trembles
with anxiety taking hold once again.
I thought I could run away but
it seems this one is with me forever.

Aches, stomach in knots over stress
that I cannot take control of.
Sick in the middle of the night,
body trying to purge this evil.

Brakes, on tight as life is moving too fast.
This year's brought so much pain,
hard to believe you were here
it was only back in May.

Takes, much more to heal
then what I have to offer.
Maybe that's why everything
shakes, aches, and breaks.

Writing and writing
trying to stay away
from the escape that
rests within my blade

Writing and writing
until my hand starts to cramp
wish to feel instead,
an ankle that is damp

Writing and writing
trying to find release.
Why isn't this working?
I just want some peace

Writing and writing
until all the ink runs out
maybe I've written myself
into a burnout

I feel the drag
along my skin.
It's another day
that I gave in.

Gave in to escape
from the memory,
of all the things
you did to me.

Things so unbearable
yet it went on for years.
Silently I suffered
crying so many tears.

Tears don't come now
as I give in.
Instead, it's crimson
rolling down my skin.

I feel like I should be done
with the mess, you left inside my head.
I've had the time to work through it
and keep myself from ending up dead.

I feel like I should be better
since you're gone and in your home.
Why do I focus on the fact
that he's happy and free to roam?

I feel like I should be happy
I've been working on it for months.
Instead, I'm stuck running each night
trying to escape from your labyrinth.

I feel like I should die
maybe that would solve my problems.
But I keep fighting this battle
and demons most can't fathom.

So tired of the pain
you left without a word.
Years since have past
holding on is absurd.

So tired of the sadness
from the hole left in my heart.
No parent left to hold me
since you tore us apart.

So tired of the tears
they just don't seem to come.
If I could cry it out
maybe the hurt would be done.

So tired of the loneliness
you've left inside my soul.
This heartache really seems
to be getting old.

The day you left
I lost myself
took a part of me
placed it on a shelf

The day you left
I lost who I am
realize now that
death is a scam

The day you left
I became alone
wish for one more time
to hear you on the phone

The day you left
the world was empty
I miss you so much
even though you're free

Aching
from memories.
Nightmares
and silent pleas.

Itching
for another slice.
Addiction
her only vise.

Hurting
from words unspoke.
Remember
every stroke.

Dying
from wounds inside.
Places
nowhere to hide.

Watch the blade as it glides across
freshly cleaned skin begging to give in.
Droplets form until heavily they roll
down her ankle into a crimson pool.

Emotions release with every slice,
giving way to what's tried and true.
Weight lifted off as if now she can breathe,
getting rid of all her enemies.

But the relief doesn't last and
the guilt comes rushing in.
It keeps telling her that escape
is just a shameful sin.

Now she's stuck in her emotions
once again begging to give in because,
being numb and running away
are the only things she has left to hold.

Nightmares chase me.
Make me feel crazy.
Someone save me
from this memory.

You take hold of me.
No way left to flee.
I just want to see
how to become an escapee.

Wake up shaky.
Hips feel achy.
I'm so angry,
why can't you save me?

When I’m alone
I get in my head
When I end up there
I wish I were dead

When I’m alone
I get so scared
Feel as if
nobody ever cared

When I’m alone
it gets dangerous
Start to feel like
life’s not worth the fuss

When I’m alone
I’m my enemy
When really I need
to be a friend to me

Sometimes I get so sad
my body can’t move
Feel like I have
something left to prove

Sometimes I get so sad
there’s no tears to cry
Eyes red and swollen
yet cheeks are dry

Sometimes I get so sad
my mind shuts down
But thoughts keep swarming
I’m sure to drown

Sometimes I get so sad
I feel I don’t exist
No way to survive
all of life’s twists

I’ve dreamed of a place
far beyond this land;
weightless and floating,
pain doesn’t stand a chance.

No more worrying
all stress lifted off.
Feelings running freely
instead of stuck in a trough.

I’ve dreamed of a place
where everything is fine;
laughing and loving
autonomy that is mine.

No more running
from demons in my head.
It’s a shame this place exists
only if I’m dead.

Kick at the door
I let you in
Drug to the couch
Another time you’ll win

Pants ripped off
Your skin against mine
Slide in so roughly
Another rhythm from behind

Tearing me apart
Hips ache and mind a mess
I wish you to stop
But on you press

Then the alarm goes off
Suddenly I awake
Try to tell my mind
This time it was fake

He came home like any day
And laid in her bed to tell his stories
But the kiss that followed
Was enough to make her want to flee

Stuck she became as
He braced her with his leg
No words were spoken, but
All she wanted was to beg

Next came the pulsing
A sensation never felt before
As he turned to walk away
She was left feeling a ***** *****

Every night it seems to me
I'm charging and running
Trying to rid myself from
The demon that's chasing

But I wake up and
I feel so lonely
Nobody there for me
Are they tired of my story?

I know I am, so
I write it out on this pad
Fall back into the darkness
Will I ever learn to be glad?

Become used to the monster
Who tries to consume me
But I'm working hard to
Get back to how it used to be

Alice on the left
Protecting scars from the past
On a mushroom patch
Of black lines sure to last

The Rabbit to her right
Memories of temptation before
Addictions and highs
Never touch it again she swore

Joined together they tell a story
To others, it looks pretty
But when she looks down
She sees more of a plea

Seems all my life
I’ve struggled in the night
Told misprinted lies
And yet I continue to fight

False intentions
Must do this on my own
No one to help me
No place to call home

Thoughts so crowded
In my head you have snaked
Now I can’t be my own
My privacy is raked

Wish only to be alone
Without you in my head
If I can’t do this then
I feel better dead

Why does
R  E  L  A  P  S  E
feel so
... good?

Why does
c  o  u  n  t  i  n  g
take so much
effort...

Waiting for a call
I know will never happen
You're gone once more, it
Leaves me feeling like I'm ashen

Blame passed around
So much anger attached
I stopped the contact so
Why do I feel attacked?

Loneliness and sorrow
In the pit of my stomach
The hurt I must've done to you,
Leaves me feeling like a schmuck

If I could reach out to you
I'm not sure what I'd say
The best I can do for us
Is continue to turn away

Once again I've shown my heart
Gave my all to people I know
But they've disappeared, on with their life
Leaving me to feel like Joe-Shmo

I'm always there in time of need
For that's when they come running to me
Comfort and console, do all I can
As soon as they're better it's time to flee

Alone, afraid, stuck with my thoughts
Reach out to find help
But it's dark and silent
Screams turned into a yelp

So a slice will suffice
Because a drink won't do
All I really needed was
A little empathy from you

Metal gleam
Leg ache
Mind a-whirl
Hands shake

Simple glide
Not too deep
Take away
What's in her sleep

Droplets form
Til' heavy they fall
Wish to take away
The pain of it all

She requires
Pain to understand
But not too deep
For she'll crash-land

******* and your control
******* and your hold
I want my mind out of this hole
I want my mind out of the cold

******* I said, and your power
******* I can't stand anymore
I want my mind free from this blur
I want my mind free, I'm not a *****

******* just let go
*******, *******!
I want my mind to flow
I want my mind back... I can't stand it!

Beautiful how you're glistening
Beautiful my mahogany
I love the way you sound to me
I love the way you make me free

Smooth on top I start to groove
Smooth on top your maple wood
Sounds that always make me move
Sounds just like my childhood

Smells like amps and old gear
Smell the old speakers where I am near
Tastes like *** and cheap old beer
Tastes like celebrating on New Year

Ode to you my lovely guitar
Ode to you from near, never afar
I love you when you barre
I love you even if you scar

One slice
Fresh and new
Crimson droplets
Like morning dew

Two slices
Straight and heat
Crimson falling
You can feel the heat

Three slices
Such a pretty hue
Crimson bruises
Deep and blue

More and more
Like scored meat
Crimson everywhere
Filled with deceit

I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm anxious
I'm mad

I'm exhausted
I'm uninspired
I'm pissy
I'm tired

I'm drained
I'm barren
I'm depressed
I'm done

Restless, dreamless,
I'm lying here awake.
Just another 3:00AM,
Trying not to burn at the stake.

For the witchery, I must play
To lie alone here in my head
Is something others long for.
Even if I wish to be dead.

It doesn't come easily,
Lots of running and being chased.
You grab me, and use me,
But oly if it's below the waist.

The screams escape, as I
Run along cobbled stone.
I know once I awake
All these wounds can be sewn.

Then darkness comes again,
It thinks this time I'll be it's friend.
But I know I just have to survive,
Until daylight comes, and starts to mend.

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Send a letter of hate
My soul ends up dead

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Dreams of past events
And you in my bed

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Resonses unwanted
Escape is bled

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Sent a letter without hate
But all I see is red

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Pen to paper
Now it needs shred

Trying to heal
Get you out of my head
Now I must wait
48 hours I'll dread

Get out
Go away,
I've been working hard
For too many days.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Not with you there
Herding all my sheep.

Get out
Go away,
My head's so full
And heavy with clay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Afraid of monsters
That are sure to creep.

Get out
Go away,
I never said
That you could stay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Could end it all
With just... one... leap...

Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
***** me
...**** me

I am yours,
Or so it seems.
I give my all,
My everything.
Every night,
You continue to take.
My silent screams,
"I'll break! I'll break!"
But still you chase,
Still you win.
And once again,
I’ll give in.
I give my all,
My everything.
Because I am yours,
Or so it seems.

Come in
Slide behind
Start our rythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

Try hard to push through
Try to bring back the new.
But along comes guilt and shame.
But they wont stop playing their game.

Relationship seems at risk
Relationship seems so brisk.
Maybe it's all in my head
Maybe it's already dead.

Intimacy is more than ***
Intimacy's more of a reflex.
But I need to have honesty
But the one closed off is really me.

Trauma stops any progress
Trauma causing so much stress.
Maybe I can run away
Maybe this problem is to stay.

Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto hope.

Life is funny
Playing tricks with my mind
I hope to survive
And not become—left behind.

I know we are here to share poetry not music, but as poets we know that can be one in the same.

I was blessed enough to take part in this music video, and lay down some guitar tracks as well.

If you have been a victim of abuse, I highly suggest watching this. It might just change your entire day.

https://youtu.be/uGHTOE5cl4E

Can't sleep
Startled awake
Every turn
I see your face

Her innocence
You try to take
With no exit
Continue the chase

Always running
My hips, they ache
Strength to continue
I must find and embrace

Create an out
These walls I'll break
Try to heal
Memories that won't erase

Trying to take care,
Do the next right thing.
Save myself,
Just a human being.

Want to run and hide,
From thoughts in my head.
Supposed to be doing better,
Stuck here instead.

Told they will always be,
Like unwanted memories.
Sto fighting, learn to deal
With monsters and enemies.

Just want, to go home
Where I'm comfortable.
Need to stay, safe here
Instead I'm irritable.

Heavy
A small word.
One not felt,
Only heard.

Heavy,
Hard to discribe.
In it's grasp,
Already inscribed.

Heavy,
Consumed by heft.
Breaking down,
Nothing left.

Heavy,
A small word.
One felt,
Not only heard...

I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper disire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaking, in fault.

A few days later,
We're in the same routine.
Cuddles and watching TV,
But this time, I turn away from the screen.

One leg bracing me in,
His hand still down my pants.
Grabbing at my skin,
I'm hoping for a trance.

With fury and anger,
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaken, in fault.

I never gave you any space
Uninvited you've settled in.
Droning on, your nagging voice,
Taking over like a kingpin.

It's crowded up there, where you stay.
Thoughts of bills and pets, and raising my son.
But you bring more and squeeze them in,
Self-harm, starvation, and coming undone.

So overpowering you've become,
Even though I've lived with you for years.
I feel myself caving in more than not,
And walking hand in hand with who holds my fears.

Skipping meals and using blades,
Day dreaming of a world without me.
Maybe I'm keeping you here,
That just couldn't be...