my hungry heart came looking
but my foolish head had me thinkin'
so round and round i did flow
trying to hide my heart from my head
playin hide and seek with my soul
trying to find a way to have both these loves
trying to give all the love my heart dreams
trying to be the best man i can be cause you deserve nothing less
round and round shadows play
light is a grace that she would grant me
forgiving my hearts infidelity
because i did not cheat...did not stray
so i stand here with tears a-flowin
trying to let go of such a lovely
trying to make my heart unfeel true beauty's smile
never wanted to give anything so beautiful away
my heart wants to be greedy
my heart hungers
but my heads thinkin'

How can I unlove you?
Shall I unsee the luminescent smile you make?
Shall I unfeel the heavy breaths I take?
Shall I undraw your image inside my head?
Shall I unhold our memories instead?
Shall I unwrite the song I made for you?
Shall I untell my heart to stop beating too?
Shall I uncling to my tiny sliver of forever?
Shall I undream of what we can become together?
Shall I unremember the light on your face?
Shall I unrecall my saving grace?
Shall I ungrasp this love I know true,
But the question is...

Is it possible to unlove you?

Unnecessary feelings amass
Forgetting becomes quite a task
Emotions volatile in a cask
You empty your flask

Savor the temporary bliss
Such heartfelt happiness
Time passes

Why do we feel the way we do?
We soul search for a clue
We often ask if we can undo
All the mistakes we've been through
We cannot help but dwell deeper in the past
Hoping to find an answer at last

I told them,  “I don’t feel sorry for Robin Williams.
He lived it. Coke-fueled, bearded trickster of ******.
Well traveled and well versed, raging into worlds
Physical and ephemeral, like a ghostly bull
Goring mortals to unfeel the estoques
Sunk deep into his vital corpse.”

I had a friend who blew his brains out
While his parents were watching tv in the living room
And another who rented a room at the Marriott
Then hung himself off the shower-rod

Both early 20s
You won’t see them on the big screen
Or hear their witty banter on interviews
Chic celebs won’t eulogize them
On “Extra”, “TMZ”,  or “Access Hollywood”
No 2 minute montages
At award shows, while tuxes and gowns float
Clapping in ovation behind the shimmering façade
Of golden statues

They got a few lines in an obituary, in A7
Those who knew them will speak in hushed euphemisms
No one daring to whisper “suicide”
As if it’s the ****** Mary of deaths
Like walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror
The mirror containing, like smoke, the future
The jagged shards reflecting moonlight faintly

I love them all the same

Apples can come in all shapes and sizes,
Two apples they are not the same,
See one and it's in your hand before it realizes,
Choosing the right one is part of the game,

They can look so sweet from where you sit,
But once you bite into that rotten part,
It changes your whole perception of it,
And can send and arrow through your heart,

To me I'm an apple not wholly bad,
To you the shiniest and most delectable you'd seen,
Sadly more bitter than you what thought you had,
But with time to ripen fit for my queen.

For apples to be we are both bruised,
We have been hurt and reduced,
Some visible, and some I denied the clues,
Yet together us perfectly flawed apples have fused,

Like a pair that only comes in a dual pack,
Still we cannot unfeel what we have felt,
Nor take back the damage i have dealt.
I vow to bring us back on track.

Let me be your sun,
Your source of growth,
Your only one,
So hear my oath.

I will be your love, your inspiration,
Like the apple of your first impression,
We will roll down hills and across nations,
For this is the long run and not a single session.

I see now that we could endure any weather
From stormy oceans to scorching heat
And one day i hope our seeds grow a tree together
That no other apple could possibly beat.

I lap a bit of the water out of my cupped hands,
then splash the rest on my battered face.
Evan looked at me like I was obscene,
left the room, slammed the door, burning,
Tyler was still nauseous, buried in the couch,
talked light about being surprised at his survival.
I made him some toast,
we tried to piece together the night,
but we only remembered that
he concocted some White Russian rip-off and called
it a Grey Romanian,
I talked to Rachel about *** and respect,
Evan wasn't very appreciative of the cake I baked,
nor was he kind to Shawna or Kara when
they gave him kickass gifts,
Bobby kept Tyler from drowning in his *****,
Lauren brought me a blanket when I was freezing,
I passed out in the bathroom,
and the general consensus was we need to slow down.

Tyler told me he felt like he needed to go to church.

I felt ***** too,
but it was more from the things I have seen,
I have touched, and God never could make me unsee, unfeel.

Tyler and I sat and talked like ancient men,
men who had far outlived their time,
and were just waiting for death's hour
to claim its ****.

Pure things come and find us,
we won't find you,
not down the road we've been taking.
Pure things,
the world should hang its head in shame
at all its ***** things.
Give us a revival.

The Grey Romanians, the depths,
and the *** aren't giving the answers
we expect.

I told Tyler I loved him,
walked out the door,
the sun was too bright,
I walked past an Asian lady,
her smile was insane,
I climbed in my car,
put on some Thelonious
and mended myself with each erased mile.

I feel my heart breaking over and over again
The emotions coming through like a tsunami
The tears wanting to be free

It hurts
It aches
It burns

I can’t stand it

I just want to unfeel
Unsee
Undo

I just want to leave

Tethered and bound by maraging steel-
feel nothing- bar a need to unfeel.
Few words- gagged. Rubber'd tastes,
sound the same. Chewy, jaw-achingly safe.

she boiled my blood inside a *** of steel,
with bread she cooked it thoroughly till foam,
had covered all, unseeable, unfeel-
-ing, vengeance wrathful, hardened to a loam,
          where blood is life, she caused the life to be,
          unlivable, no more a life to me

(C)2012, Christos Rigakos

We live
We die
Life is but a journey
We share we care we flirt with
a love affair: with life.
We cry we are happy we are shy
We’re the friend and the spy
We pry on other people’s business
We are everywhere.
We are alive.

We care.

And then we leave, and retrieve all our shine
We intertwine
With the roots and the shrubs
Within the endless labyrinth of the mundane and the divine
We become part of it
It consumes us
Earth takes us in, and we begin
To unthink
unfeel

Is this real?

Am I buried, am I cremated, was I clothed, was I bare?
I don’t care.

With each and every kiss,
he imprints himself on my lips, my cheeks, my heart.
With each and every look,
he gives me his love, his trust, his promise, his heart.

I feel those feelings that I cannot unfeel.
I enjoy those moments that I cannot unravel.
I wish for him to be mine for forever and a day.
I pray to someone I'm not sure exists, that our love is real.

I'll lie in wait.
I'll trace my skin where he kissed and relive those moments.
I'll write a poem or two or three..
knowing that he is always here--in my heart, my mind--with me.

i think i just wanted my innocence back.

i can't get my first kiss back.
i've been touched and approached and pursued in ways i didn't want.

i just wanted my first times to Anything to be special.
i wanted my first, real lover to stroke my cheek with their hand and i wanted to kiss them for the first time under the stars,
i want butterflies and no doubt.
no doubt, no fear,
just butterflies.

i can't unfeel his hand on my leg.
i wanted the first person to touch me in Any way to be someone who i love, who i trust.
not a ball and chain, not a push and pull.

growing up in a shaking, rumbling home,
i've seen people come and go.
i've heard the cries through closed doors and the yelling on the lawn.
this was love.

i prayed when i was young that maybe i could get something different.

Have you ever heard a song
So sweet that lyrics would corrupt it?
So pure that you hold your breath
Afraid you'll shatter it just by sighing?
It's a torn feeling, an unnameable feeling, the description of which can only lead you in circles
Hopelessly tangled in the desire to express it.
It is something so excruciatingly, frustratingly ineffable that you can't even move, frozen in awe, locked in a complex, pressurised longing.
Something
So achingly lovely that just the thought of it 
Pulls tears from you in diamond threads
And makes you, briefly, a shimmering echo of it,
Lit
From inside.

I say this
Even though I know that trying to describe that feeling
Is like trying to grasp at mist
I say this
I say it because
I felt like that in your arms.

I looked at you
In the half-light
And just for a second I saw you fully, in a new way.
The light loved you.
It slid along your skin like it came from the stars
And not from a bedside lamp propped against the wall.
You were so smooth, so soft, tendrils of hair escaping their pinnings and following the long lines of your neck.
Your eyes gleamed through your smile,
And all the sweetness and wit and beauty behind them,
All of that that I could touch, all that art looking at me in that moment, like having a symphony play for just you,
That soul under that skin, a whole galaxy of loves and hates and dreams and insecurities coursing through you...
And me
An inch away
Less
Pressed up against you like a parallel universe, so near and so sacred and so shockingly tangible-
The heat of you, so solid but so pliable next to me, so much a part of me that nothing about me could feel empty.

I couldn't breathe for joy, suddenly.

You could have been the moon, just then,
Or a goddess, like one of those smooth, white, subtly glowing statues in the museum halls,
Women I always imagined came alive at night and basked in the starlight,
Absorbing it to throw it back upon the world when day broke.
Your fingertips on me traced patterns
And I wanted them to touch me deeper
Wished my body was more my soul than flesh can be
So that I could feel yours in your hands.
It was too much!
It was
Not enough.
And I laughed, hid my face in your neck, felt your pulse there and how fragile your collarbones were.
I wanted to seep into your skin like rain.
I tried to shrug past it
But the feeling grabbed me by the shoulders and shook the words out of me,
And suddenly I was cheek to cheek with you,
Confessing...

After that the way I touched you changed.
I don't know if you felt it,
But I did.
It had been coming, sneaking up on me, all that day.
In my arms, beneath my palms, I held something so unutterably precious
Whenever I held you
And I knew it fully then, unable to unfeel it.
It made me tender in a way that pierced my heart
In a way that scared me
Because it felt like why I'm here.

If someday I get to tell you I love you
I will tell you that it was that moment when I knew for sure I would.
That moment when it all became so crushingly, beautifully real to me-
When gravity shifted, and you began to pull me instead.

I want to write poetry but all I can do is relive old memories and hope for unhopeful moments. How can I unteach the words you've taught me or unfeel the touch of your hands or unsee the flecks of light in your eyes or undo everything that once was between us? If I can learn how to make this happen maybe I could find a new muse.

never has my heart ached
so much
as to see the nightmare unfold
i have shed the tears
only fit for a funeral
and when you are done
i will be here
i will paint colours today
as bright as the sky
more than rainbows
as big as the ******* moon
and dip my brush in my tears to clean
to rid my deep
of you
glitter will fill my room
and flowers bloom
i will play music
and shake the earth today
i will tear down every wall
to wipe you out
break every glass
and eat the shards
so i don't have the ******* taste of you
in my mouth
rip out my ******* veins
to purge your ******* venom
i don't know how to unfeel this hate
hate hurts
and bleeds on my hands
and everything i touch
will be tainted
but i won't have that
no ******* way
you've danced me in my life
long enough
*******
my meat suit never looked good on you anyway
you didn't even have the opposable thumbs
to do the buttons up
how do you process hate?
it ******* hurts
like a foreign body
wearing mine
again
an outpouring of grief
upon the ground
my heart aches
aches
i want to take it out

I try so hard to unfeel things..
Pushing against the walls of my past.
I invite the help of other hands to topple the monumental foundation that is "Kyle."
It never works..
"I'm responsible for my own happiness."
I'm so irresponsible sometimes..

they say poetry is about making your words count,
making something out of nothing,
to make the words make sense only to those who knew--
--those who knew how to read, feel, unfeel and come apart--

but poetry was never easy for me

not when i had no words to explain the pain--
no words to describe the stories behind the faded scars, tanned and bulging still
no words to describe how the once constant flow of black blood onto stationery,
has now entered a moment of stillness, veins closing in on themselves,
the life force of words slowly coming to an end
i never had any words that could explain the emptiness in my ribs,
the pit of feelings growing more and more void as time passed by
years passed, pain came and went, and i still had no words to describe

there were no words that could describe the tiny little whispers past midnight,
beside my mother in our once big, big, bed, or in the bathroom, on the
pristine, white tiles in our former house,
the tiny whispers that were prayers, pleas, and curses thrown out into the darkness
soft, tiny, whispers, giving out what i possibly can without the stress of poetry

i miss you, i'd whisper against my phone, back against a tiled wall
feet skidding against the bathroom tiles as my knees supported my head
i hate you
it was my fault, i chanted silently, tears against my face and the
pillow
all my fault, i stuff my pillow in my mouth, forcing down the sobs,
if i were better, this wouldn't have happened

with each swift stroke of my brush, with a bright red being the only paint color i had
the voices in my head whispering softly, loudly, ringing in my ears
keep going, keep going, it's not enough, you can do it

the ceiling would be my best friend in times like these
being witness, and ear, to all the whispers i let out in the dark
it was the closest i could get to having a canvas, a blank page of a notebook
to write--speak, whisper, plead--poetry on, poetry of my own standards
poetry that made sense, only to me, poetry that was written in a language
that only i could read

*this will all be over soon

Tell me
How long until
My hands unfeel
Yours in mine
How long until
My eyes unsee
Your blue eyes
How long until
My ears unhear
the sound of your voice
How long until
My heart unloves
A relentless love?

Heart bound

By tree vines

Unlearn me

Forget the rocks

Between my joints

Unfeel me

The

Green leaves

That sprout from

My eyelids

Have turned red

Like fire

My bark burns

In silence

Unlove me

My Mind Loves This.
My Heart Despise It.
Just Spent $80 On An Unnecessary Substance!
I Can't Believe I'm Falling Again.
I Relapsed, It Wasn't Worth It!
My Emotions Go Numb, But Come Back Quick. Then I Fein It..
Fien To Unfeel These Feelings.

You don't have to do that
Spare me the Monday evening cordialities
Have you even considered the fact
That I am always looking away
As you walk up the stairs?

You don't have to do that
Catch my attention with your smile
Ask how I am doing
As if my answer might sway your next move:
A "see you later" in mid-stride
How symbolic

You don't have to do that
Because I don't need any favors
"I always acknowledge you"
As though it is some sort of obligation
And I should be thankful for your kindness

You don't have to do that
Because I do not care for
Routine hellos and overused smiles
Stained with the implication
Of a shallow rapport

You don't have to do that
Better yet
You have my permission to walk right past me
Every Monday evening
Because I am not interested
In acquaintanceship

You don't have to do that
Because in the same way it is hard to unsee
It is hard to unfeel
And I don't know how much longer
I can tell you I am "well"
Without wishing or waiting to explode

You don't have to do that
Because your eyes
Carry the prose I shared
Written by of a part of me
With which I am still unfamiliar

You don't have to do that
Because I am unable to pretend
The reciprocity of our passions
Is merely common
And irrelevant

You don't have to do that
Because it is impossible to deny that
We have chemistry
We have chemistry

But please
You don't have to do that
Because
Believe me
Had I known the sparks
Would result in wildfire
I would have extinguished them immediately

I am working to put out the flames
But it is awfully hard
While you are fanning the embers

There are certain things in life you wish you could change
Some things you did you wish you could undo
Some things you said you wish you could unsay
Some things you felt you wish you could unfeel
You wish you had a Ctrl+Z button in your life
To change the things back to what it was