How can I cope with the lost I’ve dealt with? How can I deal with that you’re gone? Three years you’ve gone and I’m stilling feeling the pain of you being ripped from my heart. The image of you in tears trying to let go. Let go of the beautiful life you had.
As I stand there holding back the tears of you going, I give you the image of me being strong. That I will be okay and that you can leave in peace knowing I am strong. As the words ripped from my mouth, “let go, Grandma.” I feel crushed and more lonely. I see tears rolling down your cheeks. I whipped them away and tell you, “it’s okay, go be with grandpa.” Your grandson and eldest son says the same thing. “Let go my dear. It’s okay. It’s time. We will be okay.” One last grip from your sweat soft hands is what I felt last of your strength. You left. I stood still. I burst into tears. I ran. I ran to my next love I hold dear my heart.
As I burst into tears of pain in her arms, I am frustrated that you’re gone too soon from me. Too soon because I just started growing and knowing what I want in live.
As I write these words of pain, tears roll from eyes. I miss you dearly and every time it hits the Fall season I think of you more. I know you would want me to keep going and be strong. Each day, I live for myself but also live for you. To show you, I am here and still moving forward. I will be the granddaughter you were proud of. I will show your own daughter that I don’t need her like you told me.
The holidays are approaching and that's when I think of you the most. Love you forever. Always holding me together. You were the truest love I could ever feel and have.
I sleep. I wake up. I toss. I turn. Just to try to fall asleep again. Fall into this realm of fantasy. Where my dreams of the unconscious reality of what could be happening in reality. I’m going to go off tangent than it needs to be. I’m with you but why do I feel so far? Why do I feel your heart and mind is million miles out of reach from me? I miss you dearly But I know I shouldn’t be afraid to lose you. I shouldn’t be preparing myself to feel you walking away from me. I feel alone And I just want you near me. To hold me. To tell me that I will be fine. To remind me I am not alone.
I stare into space within these four walls of mine. What holds my personal belongings. What expresses every inch of who I am. What keeps my heart entirely part from the rest. These four walls is what I call own space. Where my bed belongs at the time being. The bed that holds the memories of myself. The memories that lingers in my mind. As I lay here and stare into space, I feel that frustration of just wanting to quit. But then same time I can not quit. These four walls that keep me sane when I am wanting to unleash the beast. Where I can pump my music loud without being disturb. Where I can unleash my creativity at the time being. These four walls where I stare into space is what I can call my own until I can have more walls with multiple rooms and tremendous space of my own.
The sun is sleeping while the moon is awake. It’s the moon turn to shine bright in the sky. Look up in the sky and you can see the starts shining brighting with the moon. I’m awake. Thinking. Consolidating over my thoughts. Music is playing to ease the many thoughts that are running through my mind. Have you wonder why do we sleep when the sun is also sleeping? But really the sun is not sleeping, it’s on the on the side of the world shining brought for others to see the distance of light. For those who can’t sleep But just wonder throughout the night. For those who are night owls. For those who travel through the night just to feel the peace. The calm. The breeze. But I’m here. Poundering through my thoughts. My emotions. My feelings. Wondering when my life would be just at ease. When will sleep let me feel at peace.
Three years now. Battling just to get the pain to be less. To get new knees that has been worn and torn by a disease. To be able to walk with less pain. To feel free just a bit more.
First was to find a doctor. You heard third time the charm. Found a surgeon who could fix the unknown damages from an absolute mess of another. You know it's just normal to not be able to use a knee the way it was meant to be use. You know to bend or straight when it was necessary. Your body can handle the adjustments just a bit more. Only took almost a year to find. Now the wait of approval from FDA and insurance?
Just stiffness in the morning. No biggie. More pain meds. No biggie either. The call came in. A voice said it's approved. Yeppie!! Only a year later of waiting. Papers signed. Now the date of surgery. But first. Get the medical clearance. No worries. Easy pisey. Okay. Date set. You know only about couple days for the big day. Oh! A voice came in. Insurance didn't approve the surgery just yet. Say what?!? Tears flow down as the voice speak. Hope was shot down like piercing a hole into a heart. It's okay the voice said. Don't give up on me yet. It will happen! Be patient please. Yea patient is the key. That's all I've given to you was patient. Anger boils within.
Time has past. More pain around the knee. You know the normal wear and tear of the disease. It's okay. You are strong. You can do it. Been dealing with it your whole life. It's the voice. Finally good news. Insurance approved! Only half a year later. Okay. The process of medical clearance again.
Office visit. Talk with the voices about surgery. Sign more papers. Know every single detail. Happy faces. Good vibes. Only took us two years to get here. Finally the big day has finally happening soon. Give hugs and smiles. Driving to work. The voice appeared on the phone. Stare at the phone wondering why. Answered. Voice said bad news. There was miscommunication with company of the implant and the voices.
Say what?!? You know how many times can hope and faith be ripped out of you? Devasted. Burned to the core. Broken. Faith was lost. Holding the breakage of the tears. Got to work. Tears flew like a water. Anger boiling like an exploding volcano. That's it. I'm done. No more faith. This isn't happening anytime soon. Dreams were pushed back further. Just continue to live life. Continue college. Graduation is coming soon. You don't need the new knees jsut yet.
More pain appeared each day. All this battle just to get this surgery. What does one single person have to fight through just to get this? Is there hope in me to continue to wait? It's only three years. How many more just to feel less pain? Now more waiting.
Hope is there but only a flinch of light to not give up. Just have to deal with restless nights and whatever else that comes my way. I can do this. Anxiety will not get to me. This disease will not control me.