okay. so if you've been paying any attention to me, you know i've spent my entire week on ketamine (a drug i have always felt was too deep for me) and also forcing people to listen to joanna newsom. and now i somehow feel like i've learned so much that i can actually apply it to be the person i thought i never wanted to be.

here's what happened.

i have been having inner struggles against myself, feeling like i'm getting older and more comfortable with being average and just living until i eventually die in a hospital bed though i would prefer it be in my own.

this has been destroying me. not so much death as it's been dying without any significant understanding, telling people without hesitation that i am going to **** myself. and it's not immediate either. it's just a general i'm gonna die one day but it'll be by my hands.

i've been back and forth with my ego and my logic self or whoever else is here, so far that i actually considered maybe i had a split personality disorder everyone else was aware of and never told me. and it's been ******* me up.


so i had an episode halfway through joanna newsom Have One On Me album, maybe my favorite album. Ys is up there but i often wonder if it's the album that gets to me or Only Skin dominating.  

friday i got some people together. gave them ketamine. played the Ys album. what happened was unexpected as 1 i personally have never listened to joanna newsom on dissociatives and 2 i have never had anyone have the reaction to her i saw happen.  

my friend's wife is in her 40s. i'm not entirely sure what she does but she is a pianist and she likes art and she doesn't eat meat and all in all there's many things i need to discuss with her. it's become now almost a calling to sit down with her and talk to her. i am driven to her power and before we had this exchange together i had been absolutely terrified of her.  

we did not have enough time for what i realized needed to happen.

sunday i had time though with other people. i will feed my friends ketamine and play joanna newsom's entire discography, every hour giving them a higher dose of K.

by 'sadie' my friends were in holes. mind you, these are people who don't listen to joanna newsom.  they listen from post modern jukebox to classic rock. they aren't casually drawn to joanna, sober, the way i am. and for any joanna fan this is something we have grown accustom to. we don't get offended when people don't get her but when they DO get her, really get her, it's a religious experience.

i don't know what they experienced completely. i was in egypt. i was swallowed by sand, surfing pyramids, bursting through the warmth of the sun. i was traveling. trying to write this now has become difficult as i have just done another two lines and feel these hands trying to lay me down.

only skin comes on. 16 minutes felt like 2 minutes once it ended but those 16 minutes felt like 40 days while it played. i had been patched together. the sound now coming from inside my body. my body buried in this darkness pure darkness. the only way to explain what k holing is is the hypnotized scene of Get Out where the dude is lowered into his subconsciousness watching through his eyes from a well staring up at images
of what is happening. sorta watching yourself go on its own

i'm not sure if this is the case for everyone, but that scene is a real feeling and it's one i adore

my thought process was "i need everyone to get here and hear this" it felt almost therapeutic for me and to see everyone have a similar reaction to her, people who don't even listen to her, maybe people who would've just been like "ok" hearing her, be completely cleansed by this sequence.
that's what i called it. a sequence. each album was a phase and a journey we must endure together. keeping each other safe. and i could feel our panic and our madness. i could feel us unraveling and i kept us all together. taking brief intermissions and cigarette breaks.

.  

i put headphones on to get there. the sensory deprivation the sensory isolation pulls my consciousness pulls my body away. it's an incredible feeling.

i take the headphones off though i cannot feel them on my head. i am aware that is the power source. i am in bed. i take a second to remind myself where my body is though my mind is anticipating it's escape.

i breathe. i put headphones back on.

days pass. days have spent time without me though i am still here. i've been writing so much. so many things i don't remember i wrote but when i see it again i remind myself there are places unexplored in my brain. places i thought didn't exist. i accepted the perimeter of my thoughts and feelings so long that i was just this clay blob of grey without motivation. without the ability to see through it or above it. i accepted wherever i've been mentally for the last half of my life was where i would stay for the remainder of it.

i was wrong. i was so wrong.

i watched my friend watch the girl he loves at work. she's a dancer. he never came to her job before and i was afraid for her. i was afraid he would make a scene and i had to talk to him before we went in to make sure he could handle it.

he didn't handle it well. at first

at first he kept staring her down talking to some dude and i kept talking in his ear "it's okay she's just working it's okay please she'll come to us when she can. don't distract her" and he kept insisting she didn't see him but she saw us. we made eye contact and i knew she knew what i knew and that was that i needed to get him to understand he needed to let go of this bitterness and disgust he felt for her career choice.

and it worked. i did calm him down. and she did come to us. and they probably ****** like they never ****** before when they got home.

and i've been talking to people. really talking to people. listening. reading. i can focus again. i can pay attention. i can keep myself in a present moment and process it without getting distracted or bored.

i met so many people this week. so many people i would've never met even though i go to the same bars and see them i never talked to them but this week we all finally talked and we all connected and we all realized we felt the same way the way i was reading my timeline saying "it's so sad people feel like me across the world too" and they're right here near me near us and we are so blinded by ourselves, i was blinded by myself, to see who they are as people and their relation and positioning and significance. and it feels so good

i don't want opiates anymore. over a decade i've done drugs. all drugs. drinking. weird *** ****. i've been gluttonous in my pleasures each corner of them i've relished and raved and grinned about my existence to somehow feel this awful part of me i couldn't control is what made me stand out, made me better, made me more human. it's garbage. everything i've believed is garbage. it's trash.

and now i CARE. for the first time in my life i actually care about things because i WANT to and not because i'm told i probably should, finding myself tossing about looking for the right words and actions to give the illusion i know what i'm doing. i had no idea what i was doing. i was just doing things because i wanted to imitate what everyone else was.

it feels so good to finally experience people and life the way i thought people just fabricated to sell books and movies. all of the things and life i believed were shallow and disingenuous, i was wrong. it was me. i was shallow, disingenuous. i was selfish. i was cutting myself off from life and blaming the world around me for not seeing things my way. i was a perpetual child and ketamine has finally made me grow up.

i'm not saying throw away your meds and eat better but that's what i am gonna do because i hated when people would say **** like that. like, no. *******. eating raw broccoli won't cure my depression. it won't but having the experience i had this week, having the tools to actualize my mental instability and now, god, somehow now really believing in myself and my goals and lifestyle, i have this unknown drive and faith in my ability as a person that i would get when my meds actually did work. but this isn't something i have to take every single day for the rest of my life. this is something that gave me insight i never realized for myself before, just heard, just read. like am writing this now and there's people who felt the way i felt before i did this saying "oh god" because honestly a few days ago i would've felt the same way. i can't believe the things i'm saying are so real to me and this IS new for me and it is something i want to explore and learn more about. i'm researching clinical trials and reading articles and experiences and seeing.... this might actually be the future of mental health and well being and if it is, i need to learn how i can take my experiences and have someone way smarter than me figure out how to make use of it to benefit everyone from my family to people who aren't born yet. i lived my whole life in such a bad place. no one deserves that. we deserve better quality of life. i've been on so many different meds and lifestyle paths and drugs and everything they tell you to do and NONE OF IT WORKED FOR ME. therapy didn't work for me. cleanses didn't work for me. love didn't work for me. running didn't work for me. water. greens. positive thinking. but i'm gonna figure this **** out and i want this experience to be beneficial to everyone who has ever known who i am.

my only fear is that when i start to sink back into my murky brain it'll be hard to get back here. i've been somewhere close to where i am now but i never made it over until now. i don't want to go back. god please don't take me back

She knew she wasn't like the other pretty girls,
they had words for her uttered in silence not
formed into word other than those on scraps
of paper. For rumours have power not through
voices but images held like a prisoner in he head,

Disfigured were her traits, genetic abnormalities
most were told or as rumors spread. She held it
every year nearly identical such intricate design
that went into this pumpkin head, those of ill taste,
muttered words aloud is that your father as she
rested on her pumpkin patch.

She smiled with all she could, for her deformity
made the resemblance of a pumpkin similar but
for a difference of she had flowing hair. As years
past and the head seemed just slightly different
with each year that passed seemingly the same as before.

But this time the eyes were hollow and inside not seemingly
pungently orange but white and hollow.. this was scarier
as what became before... till a policemen wondered near.
Smelling a stench of not rotting fruit. but something more.

"Child what do you hold on this dark forbodig night,

"Why my daddy sir, I wanted to show the world something
uglier than I, so I held him on hollow's eve to show the world
that there is something more ugly than me,

"Ugly my child who pray tell would say such a thing,

"Daddy did everyday, said I was a seed from the field
and seeds don't fall far from where they fell,

In amazement he looked beneath where she sat pumpkins
from years gone by had rotted and new ones spouted in
there place but each a distorted look as each started to rot
on top other that had fell. beneath he saw what seemed to
be a palm of white holing on to seed a bag of something prey tell.

"What's in the bag sweetness,

"A bag of seeds, from where his hell sprouted and began,

"Each of these you see is a moment a memory of his life,

"And I sit here with his head and then I place him their
to watch what I crush  each formation o thought under foot,

"For each one that grows is a memory and I will crush them
all under my footing till nothing grows here till death is still,

Child why would you do such a thing,
"Do you not know beauty is on the inside,

"I will show you beauty of what you speak,

Following cautiously from what is seen, he should have radioed
in. But she is but a child what can she do. leading him between the
long grass to a garden of illuminated beauty. looking bewildred
at what was and now seen.

"Through the pumpkin patch, that was my place of regret,

"So what is this place child,

"My garden of redemption,

"Redemtiooooooooooo.......,

And those where his last word as she spoke three words

"TRICK OR TREAT....

For he was the treat for the flowers to bloom.
Blood lilacs and roses of the night had a taste for certain
nourishment, and they only drank on each hollows eve...

She smiled as she sat on the pumpkin patch, that hand
of her fathers features just revealing enough for her to allure
the curious to not take her features as a needing for sorrow.
but more of a trick to treat that what thirsted out back..

When we were eighteen the valley of the plums, prunes and apricots
kept us beaming. I had come from the north, from the nuclear
town on the Columbia River.

I never yearn for the desert sand in the wind, or the feeling
that above and beyond the first mountain men were doing things
not meant for the rest of the world to view, except that one of
those men was my father.

The company moved us to the new place, the California farm
town. Here the soil, worked hard by orchardists,
yielded a sweet aroma that persuaded us to be fond of the earth.

We would go to school and work the summer jobs, slicing cots
and stuffing fruit in cans all night, and then I would fall in love.
That is where the “we” enters.

I drove an old English sports car with a wooden frame and
wire-spoked wheels, a windshield that would drop down for
a full dose of the highway wind.

Dwellers arrived here quickly from afar. Some said it
was for the weather. Never very hot or cold, an incubational
paradise for the thousands of acres of fruit teees.

We had to stand back from the evening bonfires, and were sorrowful,
watching the fruit trees chopped, piled and torched.
This progress made me think of the American Indians.
I had seen them netting salmon on the Columbia River at Celilo Falls before the dams,
the gray concrete walls that turn gravity into a light bulb.
(I would like to flip a switch and turn on the river).

We asked ourselves what would be the limits of this 1960s
unbridled growth. Some were talking of expanding
to the moon, while we were considering holing up
in a mountain retreat.

The valley of the fruit became unrecognizable. Next
in my neighborhood a multi-story building slammed into the sky.
If even one could be built here, why not
one more Hong Kong?

We drove to the mountains in the spring when the western
slopes filled with wild flowers, and flew kites and laughed into the
face of the oncoming wind, and kissed. Love might
conquer all.

The ocean side of the range is where we knew we wanted to be.
Riding waves and kicking around in the kelp beds at
Pleasure Point. Less room for a building boom, unless steel platforms were
erected over the waves. Who knows that such an idea is even
now on the drawing boards.

We married and made the move and remain there still. A tiny house
built during one of the greater wars of the last century by
Hawaiian flower farmers, who knew nothing about how to
build a sturdy house, and had no blossom money for their dreams.

My dream is awake there though, the little house and the tiny rooms
that only want to hear the birds of the forest come near.
Daffodils and roses, enormous zucchinis, and an old
pear tree that I write poems about in the spring, and
two girls who love the ocean.

That’s about it. My whole autobiography composed this bright
sunny morning in the hills above San Luis Reservoir in
the central valley, where I come from time to time to write
and ponder the tall grass.

My parents are close by in the national veteran’s cemetery,
where I put them a few sad years ago.

I see some of the details are missing. It’s easy to fill
in the missing information–the story most of us might tell.
We’ve wept over the loss of farms, flowing rivers,
and fought the war against the war, and wondered
why we cannot just live in a teepee at the base of Yosemite Falls.

In the background, a steady trickle of death, disease, work.
I am guilty of confusing work with death and disease, but that’s
just my own hard-earned opinion.

There have been birthday cakes and communions, bicycle rides
and Monterey fish eating, candles burning in winter storms,
old tool sheds full of her paintings, a stack of notebooks with
my scribbling.

The valley of the fruit continues stacking buildings.
The redwoods here continue growing.

All birds

All birds should make noises
On tree branches with full choice
Loud or small but with nice melody
Naturally attention drawn at them by everybody

Of late I have lost little hope
The revenge and bloodshed doesn’t stop
In every street there is violence
Life has become hell since then

The change is must and welcome
Let it be blown from any direction and come
It must be encouraging with enthusiasm
There may appear some improvement with mechanism

We hear disturbing news
Worst affected countries may be hardly few
Yet it has witnessed lots of carnage
Blot on humanity and painted as dark page

It could have been avoided
Little concession would have been given or granted
What were they holing back and asking in return?
Little peace to live in and prosperity in turn

Who can be trusted upon?
Law protector or merely lip actors?
Honest military rulers or civilian representatives?
All are corrupt and wants to rule by proxy or relatives

Power is such a greed no one may want to leave
It has to be imposed on them forcefully to relieve
They want mass concentration of wealth and power
Rule over millions, keep them starved and poor

I wish no god may shower them with blessings
They have to flee the land and face the worst chase
No place for them to stay peacefully and alive
Alas! They could have earned blessings to survive

There can be no end to any kind of lust
Even animals may want or have it as must
We are human and should know about the result
Why not then it come peacefully without curse and insults?

this morning I awoke to find little lettered squares imprinted across the side of my face,
           then didst I realize, that cyber space had finally done its number on me
                        slither slather blither blather slobbering  cyber chopper
              knee-**** hackneyed pavlovian dog speak of impetuous  heartlessness
             stereotyping  label blasting  categorizing  pigeon-holing  generalizing
      multi tasking bifurcating bloviating palaver,  ever clingy maudlin  inflamed impassioned souls
         trolling   the myriad  disparate windows looking for some misbegotten stimulus  
so invested in their hatred and fear that peace is the most threatening thing they can imagine   ------      and me?
the sneering cynical maladroit among the masses of averageness and mediocrity...

It's that time
or
sometimes it's this time
but
one time at this or at that time
it'll be my time

the communion wine was drugged
the Methodist chapel was bugged
and the man on the 'rugged cross'
couldn't give a toss about me.

Bobby robbed the offertory
so
no hope or hymns for him.

Death has possibilities
not meant to be
but definitely
true.

The boys in blue caught Bobby
threw him in the clink
*****, *****
went the coins as they rattled
in his pockets which were as deep
as the hole he was in

and still no hymn for him.

This dream of consciousness will not end alarmingly,
though it leaves lines on Billo's face
smushed against pillows placed
strategically

The strategy?
To look tragically well put-together
to get her to lie in the bed I made hastily
Well - I say this, but the presentation's done tastefully:
Big blanket tucked
IN with style
OUT of luck since I've not been...
...touched in a while

I grinningly smile - it'll all be ok
(I'm not much for physical lovin' anyway)
...beyond hugging and kissing and getting to stay
for the night curled up close whispering "sweetie, sleep tight"

I've not got these dreams, but I've some aspirations
No sweetie, I'm not sweaty,
- I've no *** persperation
My room is too cold with the wind's drafty laughter
My bed is too cold since I've not quite yet asked her
to lie with me and lie to me that she is the one
and I will be won over,
over-nighting done right
...
Left to the imagination, day-dreaming's my vision
Pigeon-holing my gamboling gambling rambling
Not quite in shambles, see?
I get it: regretting is letting me settle into misery
"Mysterio the (not-so) great" is dutifully bound to wait
Patience is love doctors' medication - "Just wait!" they prescribe
and in time their patients' trepidation will end.

Inner peace outer space and I pace.
(without her face to grin at)
synapse fired
for nodding off on the job

**** awake, up for work
Woken, spurred
on toward spoken word
March forwards - four words
Reverse reverie never hurt
"But I don't dream!" I think
Does it stop me from trying?
From lying to and by myself,
in doubt in a drought
Good - buy myself a drink:
rootbeer, two shots of espresso
let's go, caffeine-Billo tag team
on the rocks, off the clock
(talk about self-deprecation, why don't you)
Chew on the cubes with contextual frustration
The drink's gone, I think long and hard at long last
ARRRG I yell in a fit mentally I'll
sleep on it.

I cried too much
but was it enough
I can't run
hiding the turth to all
I must be done
crying pain of blooding tears
the sickness I have
will never heal the scars
the discoloration of my life
will never show
depressed in my only feels
doleful face
that I try not
to have any motion
so long to being successful
strain to pains holing might
I will never win the fight
I cried so many tears through life
can't say sorrow will come
I can say no elated this will some
Cried enough, done

curled lying prone and
humming hot, like a wire--
thrumming, like a thread
upon which water falls. I am aching
and oversensitive
holing a howl up inside me
and feeding it to my fears

Ladders and highs
And purples and crazies
Burning under the stars
Looking through the uneven stairs
Passing through open walls and
Broken windows
Hallowed and cut bleeding through
The darkened streets
Glowing into their skin
Death as a form of retreat
From their civilian madness
Holing into sewers and breathing waste
Hurting themselves on barbwire fences and needles
Digging holes into flesh and filling with temporary satiety
For those sleeping in alleys high and immobile
Choirs of  phantoms and squirrels and birds
Greet with unremarkable pitch
Verse says the end has come
But is just unfolding

Dry luck
flakes fallow forehead.
       (I’ve come for you.)

It promises, a hundred times, to grow
and recklessly rakes the earth.
My nails: long, pointed, poignant.

Digging into and in with my hands.
Crossing and holing XXO
       (I love you but you’re lost.)

There are chains and there are chains
Sometimes to bind, bound never to fly
Or to keep, stagnant in place
A soul, chained, forever staring
In to the empty of what might have been

An anchor, although a brace
Holding one to a point
A place, maybe in time
Or to a feeling, reoccurring
Reliving moments, hours or days
But an anchor is always a choice
Personal and a choice

Dropping an anchor in a life
In mine, her choice
Brings me to her sea
Turbulent seas, always a storm
Cloudy, heavy crying skies

For me, it's less obtrusive
To be what she needs, relies on
Holing her bow pointed in to the wave
Scary, it looms above: wall of water
To her, the most frightening feeling
Trusting another, Me, to hold her steady
While she works the rudder

The anchor is complete trust
Her on the rudder, me digging in
To weather the storm, the waves, the wind
Keeping us together
And trusting the chain

They each hid the truth
Thinking letting it out would bring endless consequence
When the real pain came from holing it in
It weighed on their hearts, ate at and their conscious, crushed their spirits
A house of broken cowards
Each slowly suffocating
Dying from their self contained flames

so many times I’ve stood alone
without friend or family
family or friend
although we’re all connected
like blocks in a Jenga tower
with fate’s choice pushing and pulling
after the collapse
we stand alone and rebuild
so many dictates in the re-invention
holing up for a while
caught up in ‘musts’ instead of ‘cans’
‘needs’ instead of ‘wants’
limited resources finding a new path
instead of creating one

the front door ajar
ideas breezing in coolness
a yellow porch light
illuminating the climbing tendrils
in my mind
manifesting the cosmos
with blue and red pizza boxes
brown rice and beans
tastes like chicken

communication holds many keys
but which one fits the lock?
so many unexpected turns
so many pieces in life’s puzzle
but I’m good at solving puzzles
every time I fall
I long for preparation H
to soothe my **** hurt
but sometimes when you think you’re drowning
you only need to  stand up
and remember that you’re good
but that’s totally up to me
as it should be
although we’re all connected
we stand alone
we stand alone
although we’re all connected
so don’t leave me in my cave, baby
hit me back to the moon if you have to
hit me back to the moon

Don't follow
Don't lead
Proceed

If you have never done something, do it.
Who's holding you back from the way you act?
Your Dad, Girlfriend, Boyfriend or Mother?
Uncle, Aunt, Sister or Brother?
Friends?

No, you are holing back.
All you do is talk about skills you lack.
If you took all your skills and put them in a stack,
It could get you to the moon, then back.
Stop bein so whack

Because you are human.
All you mean to do is learn and adapt.
So go back to your roots.
There's nothing wrong with that.

You'll realize your physical body is the trick in fact.
And that's scary at first, but for better or for worse
You shed the veil, the forgotten curse.
This is an event one cannot rehearse.

My life
A meaningless nothing
Tired of the faking and the lies
My family torn apart, shredded
My grandma just a mere memory
Tired of holing it in
Holding it back
The tears well up as I lay in my bed
Wishing for death
Wanting to end the pain
The light burns, kills
Shows me no mercy
Wishing for my life to end
I've been betrayed, cheated
And lied to
By my love
My life
My only source of laughter
My only pain relief
The world is so cruel
The light eats at me
Inside and out
People ask, wonder, question
Why I am who I am
They look with judging eyes
Not seeing the real me hidden deep inside
The little girl I am
Colorful and joyful
Hidden dormant
Forced to come out and play
Contemplating...
Drugs, blades, bullets, rope?
So many to choose from
As I hold a razor prepared to cut
I think back to my days as a child
Life was so simple as a kid
Then I go numb again
No longer able to feel
I go black with the pain that I feel

11/24/2013

someone asked me
if I've ever been
in love

immediately,
I thought of you

I know that sounds
weird,
being since we
haven't even truly
met

maybe I'm not
in love* with you
yet,
but I am
in love with the
idea of being
in love with you

I'm in love
with the idea
of every day
waking up next
to your smiling face

or maybe I'm
in love with
the idea of
kissing your nose,
or holing your
hand,
or making you smile,
every day,
for the rest of days

maybe I'm just
in love with
the idea of
calling you mine,
and saying your
name,
and leaving you
notes around the house

maybe I'm just
in love with
the idea of
tracing my fingers
down your spine,
and calling you
darling,
or dear,
or love,
or baby

maybe I'm just
in love with
the idea of
my fingers tangled
in your hair,
or my legs
intertwined with yours,
or my lips upon
your cheek

maybe I'm
in love with
the idea of
hearing you say
my name,
and feeling your
hand resting on
my shoulder,
and listening
to you talk,
for hours on end,
about yourself,
or your life,
or your dreams,
or your family,
anything,
as long as I
get to hear
your voice

maybe I'm
in love with
the idea of
going to sleep
in your arms,
and holding you
when you're sad,
and wiping your
tears away when
you cry

maybe I'm
in love with
the idea of
hearing you laugh,
or even hearing
your footsteps
down the hall

maybe I'm not
in love with you,
but I am
in love with the
idea of being
in love with you

© 2013 Scarlet Van Allen

IN the ghetto,time, and grime,don;t hold back, the years or tears, scream out, in the night,nobody hears,or cares, but,I 'm still holding on,there are fears,out  here, nobody, has met, yet, I keep on holding, on, walking city,streets, praying that, death, won't get , to me, sooner, or later, I keep holding on, strangled, by the secret,wishes, inside, hoping the fake,dreams,  of smoke, entering the bodies, I see, and each nose, don't **** off, the real dreams,  that the ones, not on the pipe, being sought, ***, being used, to sooth , the ache, lack away, people, being used, no escape, from the ghetto blues, so, I'm still, holding on,  watching children, doubledouch, on sidewalk cracks,lots seeded, with tossed mattresses, junked cars, rotting garbage, stray dogs, dice thrown down, hoping to get lucky, and I keep holing on

Learn to fly


i do not want to live this life hence
why i am sat here contemplating
this black handled knife i want to slit
my wrists and learn to fly sounds so great
but have you ever tried to take your life,
just to only to wake up later that night.
DSmith



Bold, Engulfed and left to feel the same

Deep,Vocal and pain
hopeless mind,hopeless pain
thoughts are controlling actions.
****** beds sheets and stained clothes
no food no help for me so it i beg god
hurries and shuts the coffin closed

DSmith


My one true love,proud from above

I am hiding behind enemy lines.
wasting money and of cause my life time
thoughts of you remind me that
you're mine. I am fine just sad from time to time
The one thing that helps me fight is the thoughts
that you are mine and one day we may reunite.



As you tug on each heart string


As you tug on my heart strings
ligature marks from blue ribbon string.
Why would i sing the lords praise,
I cry why would i sing that his name
was it all my fault i'm wondering,
Searching for the painless soul within

DSmith


So you are the people that rule the world


so you are the people who rule the world?
locking up young boys and girls....claiming,
that they are not well even though
they can see the real in the world
  there empty minds step on egg shells.
The evil in the world hides behind,
these boys and girls the ones who make
this world, S tay in the shadows or under shells
but no ones appealing to the self worth
and the ignorance just gets worse ..



DSmith



Scarecrow.

I have no body for me to show what i know,
i have had a few visitors but they come and go.
for what i am for i will never know
my hay is itchy my hat slanted
My arms are heavy there is a man on the path,
Maybe just maybe we could have a laugh...he's coming
I chant with glee he  would make a good friend for a girl or boy  
i can see something in his hand what can it be. We do not have any events planned oh no Oh NO CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! and the scarecrow drops.

DSmith

ANGEL FROM THE GROUND

I know from time to time you peer down
to watch me each day you become proud and think  wow look at him now
he's really getting on well no more drugs now making his daughters proud i sent a friend down to see you were okay and he said no angel can watch over other angels.


DSmith




So look at me now i look at my self proud i hold my cards close to my chest
but that's just me i always kept.
My feelings locked away some days i am sad, others i am glad i still remember you dad my daughters wont be ill make sure to tell what a great granddad they had.


DSmith



Mentally ill

so you want to know how the side effects make me feel.
I cant sit still, My eyes wonder
to one side so i am giving up
the will to fight.my muscle seize they turn to steal oh its nine o'clock time for medication. To lay these voices to rest get the pain of my chest lay back and let my mess take care of the rest


DSmith


Green green grass

They say the grass is greener on the other-side  i say it changes the demeanor
when two worlds collide.
the feeling of hope hides behind the prison, Of your mind to find out your the only one left behind

DSmith


Bullets

Bullets in the heart, razors slice the vein
is-it just me or is the world cruel.
were all the same passing buck and shifting blame...
A penny for your thoughts or a shot to the brain. Suffering, sufferings so they claim society is twisted. No respect ...its a shame... slit your wrist and soon you will see. You bleed red blood just like me.


DSmith

Pitter patter


Pain is not having a plan,
Pain is not having the man that brought you before this here land.
I could not see his plan now he's gone i've searched the sky, seas and sands.
Before i stand before you whether you like it or not the 16 th of may he decided it was time for me to be a man.
You could have told me i would have held your hand....
I have no choice,no voice and no sound of that man. Nor heart beat no pitter patter of his feet.
He left this life he thought it would be better but it all ended in defeat no more drunk days roaming the streets of more pitter patter from his and Ana's feet Night dad have a nice sleep.


DSmith




Sentenced to life in my head.


So what gives up the right
to say your health is alright but, your head is wrong...Alright how can you tell me you have lived my life.
Have you ever had the choice to carry on and fight or just sit there why tears flood your eyes. Have you ever cried your self to sleep because there no knifes, razors or pills to eat my sickness need more than prescription.. Try my shoes and how far can make cover over in a days mission are you sure let me help you down from your high horse what right do you have to judge me your the one with the devil on your back.


DSmith


Contemplating life


I do not want live this life
so i it and contemplate
this knife. To cut myself it would feel so right.
it feels so good like the holing of ice,
it just feels so right have you ever tried to take your life just to be on section the next night with these demons everyday i have to fight they tell me **** your self your not worth it i say i am not no where near perfect but i know my children are worth it  



DSmith



Ghost


Okay there was better ways to leave
I know but as I swing there,
pigments of ghost. I remain where I stay
till i heard from the ghost it whispers....
I loved you, the most. It was my time to go your time to shine please do not, Feel hate because I left you behind .

You was the best accomplishment in my
life as i lay here draining of life.. remember me for the things that went right.



DSmith



So here I am

So here i am once again,
Finding my self aimless
nothing else but shame,
I ask my self once, Twice
and over and over to stand here
rendered with heart ache, The same
heart ache that got me locked away in
in medium secure locked away safe and sound.. tap tap tap Daryll the devils calling.


DSmith


The howling past

The wind it echoes from cave to cave
gusting past like a hawk in prey.
The wind swoops to the lower level,with
each and every tattered feathers it flies by no matter the weather.

DSmith


domestic abuse


what would you class as abuse or the fact that the other half gave you the noose and tightened it so tight the no slipping loose the very way they make you feel good for a while, They put you down with cute insults.
Back to hate at the end of the day, The way they make you feel good to knock you down, they hit you and tell you its all your fault or they did it because they love you either way .....you know what i have to say... that's domestic abuse.

DSmith

flowers

This flower is me,
Freshly picked, Yesterday
vibrant and pink vibrant an
free, Alive and kicking but now is dead,
withered.......Dead petals, No leafs
gone into its self, just like me
i saw a lot of what the world was yesterday now i've given up,
the fight just a me!

written by


DSmith

I see you.

I can taste your blood.
I even smell it, I smell it in the air.
i even kept that snippet of your hair
i watch you as you sleep, I watch you as you eat.... i even like those socks that let your toes peak.
i can taste your blood I can smell it in the air.
First i'll remove your scalp, Even remove each hair, i'll slice my knife right through you leaving you for dead.
Cut you in to pieces and even freeze your head, I'll skin your legs and arms and even cut off your face  and then ill serve it to one of your mates i hear you begging, begging to be saved
I'll bury you in a field with unmarked graves...quick call the police before its all but to late.

DSmith

The Church


The church peaks over the trees the grass is long but a light  shade of green, The birds seek food then they fly away.
Looking out there's not one cloud in the sky. The moon can be seen ever so wide I look up for answers of what to do with my life.


DSmith


Freedom


I can hear the voices, To me they sing.
I can see the door I also feel the wind.
I look beyond the window ,from which were caged in.
I can feel the people in all there thoughts that spare
A hopeless Abis. I call but no one answers this.
I scream I shout but only because I'm scared.
I'm free I'm out I pray I never go back there.

DSmith

Stars


I look up to the stars wishing that i at least knew where to start. deep down in my heart i knew we were both doomed, Doomed from the start do not look within me nor check if i have a heart its cold out here in my world of hatred and dark.


DSmith


Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star

Twinkle Twinkle daddy's little star.
Sometimes i wonder where you are,
if you're sad or having a cry or having a laugh.
Other times i do not let you in because it becomes to hard.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star
I picture you dancing singing on my bed jumping up and down and then the pain again all starts.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star i miss you so much it feels wrong to laugh.

DSmith

Fate


There's no need to cut me down
I lay there in higher ground.
These beams of light **** in every
Bit of my life. I live In a dream of no God, nor light
No pain, no more voices for my pain to hide behind.
I hang here on the truth of mind. I hanging here
Just not caring what I left behind.



DSmith




Medium lock down and i'm loving it now



White jackets is the idea you get,
Needles in and restraints to forget,
i've been here a week now'
On a medium secure lock down ward shuffled walks everybody talks to voices that you  cant listen to talk,
Broken down minds obscure thoughts to be rebuilt, By medication and mind manipulation. Cheers to a life with no fair trail ..Were guilty without reason...

hey say their here to help
but stab you in the back
and twist it in, oh ever so kind
professional silver spooned
ignorant mind..
these people as we are..they are no longer of sound mind. Being held against
their will in a prison worse than hell.
in a places with no thoughts no control
but an over taken mind,
but this does not mean we are not worth your time.


DSmith


Dear mummy


Mummy why wont you hug me,
Mummy why cant i call you..
Mummy this is no longer funny,
Mummy what have I done?
Mummy why do  you not
love your son?...
Mummy why am i missing you?
mum this is your son please grow up
and be a mum.
Mum i guess don you not want to meet your son ....I HATE YOU MUM!!
MUM what are you doing here i wish it was you laying in my dads grave...
My sister calls ... mummy's dead..why is mummy dead...
Mummy why are you dead?
I wish i could take away every painful thing that i said.

Mummy i miss you I wish you were here.
the hopes of a reunion fade with each tear


DSmith


Its all but a dream


I wake up and see it was all but a dream,
But i have not got a clue,
why i have not shred one tear from my eyes.. I remember when you left when i was young. You said "look to the moon and blow a kiss and i will do the same my son" i look up to the sky i look for the moon and i feel to cry, but my tears run dry whats the point i feel better thinking you're not dead


DSmith




Silence was your plan


Some say suicide is selfish.
some say suicide makes you less of a man.deep own no one can see you pain,
I know you was not right so all I know is the pain you endured in your life was just to great...
you know it kind of feels nice knowing i was the relative in your eyes...
I have come to terms, That you have passed but that does, not mean i do not wish you were here  but i know you're watching now with pride and peace.    

DSmith




eyes that cry


Eyes that cried every night
see you thought you could hide
"but you cant hide" I knew you was not quite right.
I am a strong believer in life after death,
As well as the afterlife, when i go to your grave it just does not feel right.
i know you're still here peeking if only i could see what you are seeing.


DSmith




All chocked up

I am all chocked up ligature marks from this rope that hold my only hope, i am lost and broken the devil in side of me is awoken


DSmith


suicidal mind


Let me let you in on one of my thoughts,
Left out here alone, I am empty and lonely. only to be shed no empathy here i am still remaining empty. no shredding tears as m weakness is my only enemy...
I would get out of bed but the voices wont leave my head... they leave me with no energy, I wake up just to feel dead when i sleep i just sleep to hear you speak,
I remain in a dream, alone,empty and low self esteem...
why do i wake up praying it was all a dream just to look out side and be slapped with reality


DSmith



suicide suicide

Suicide is when two worlds collide
crying eyes,bottled up on the inside
locked in a prison locked inside your mind.



DSmith



Tears from each eye.


late at night i sit there and cry,
Questioning life who, What, Where and why must i carry on.
When i cannot scream nor shout,
Why must i fight, Why cant i leave with out thinking what i would leave behind
it was your time to shine that's why i cry most nights i would rather die than have to live this life, This lie.
My world could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming that why my life is here for me to die.


DSmith


I am trying i really am


I am moving on "well i am trying"
I am moving on only gods know why i have not started grieving or crying.
"whats the point"
"I guess it don't hurt enough"
"why oh why"
it still hurts just not enough.
"yes oh yes i am crying"
"but no more am i trying"
there is no point in telling
my self to start crying
"whats the point "
"i guess it would be lying"


DSmith


  Embrace the bliss


As i hang from these beams,
Falling in to the deepest dreams'
the sun is shining i can see the beams.
Its more beautiful than it could ever seem.
as the air leaves my tar filled lungs
I think of you when you were young,
My heart speeds and then slows.
my fingers tingle then go numb,
NO more struggling no more pain.

Daryll its not your fault let your self grow old and your hair go grey and you self get wiser as you get older.

you will always be my toy soldier,
keep on marching till your children are older there love for you will only grow bolder.

DO NOT LET IFE REMOVE YOU FROM ITS FOLDER.
Picture this, no more pain my life s over remember this just sit back and embrace the bliss.

  DSmith  


unspoken words

Silence many unspoken words,
but not a sound can be heard.
Greed another word for gain
fame another word for vain
deathly walks, A life from stalks
why should we have not a choice
to abort.


DSmith



The real world.

nothing as it seems, Were all asleep
life's but a dream, blues of red and reds of green.
life's but a dream what if i told you the sea was grey the trees not green...
Would you say i am crazy or living a dream, the world is full of love and happiness ..now whose crazy and living in a dream as i say victims cry and sufferers scream is this a nightmare or a repetitive dream.


DSmith



only time will tell

Only time will tell, what if I get ill,
and spend the rest of my life un-well
as I climb i've already fell, I faded away i wake up to cry just to go to sleep to die


DSmith


another suicide scare


Endless suffocation lost in the mix up of a
broken generation, See I claim I am a different kind of patient, i am sat here face full of fake emotion my life goes round in a upside down kind of motion i try to hang my self but the rope turned out to be gods token to hand me a life line I look back I thank god for the real man he has awoken.

DSmith



flower draped



Each day I am dying,
Each day I am crying,
The devil sees me an
mocks my crying,
I try to take my life he
whispers to me,
Why are you trying?
take that knife and start
slicing stick in and twist it
i have your soul i hope you miss
it is this hell or heaven do you
really want to risk it i have but two word your dead i think could this be worse
next time you see me ill be in a flower draped hurst.


DSmith



  As i take these pills

So as i drop this pill i realise i am ill,
I cant sleep does this mean i am ill?
calm -down, chill, but these nightmares are ore than real  sleep deprivation is the very reason i am ill,
So i guess its time to drop another anti psychotic pill oh that my life i love being mentally ill.


DS

I said come back, come back
back before the line is crossed
but you just stared your bare beam
blank in the face
I tried to take it in but I couldn't
not with you looking like that
holing it away
I never knew you to be a liar
so that's it then
the thought broke me but I think that was your aim
to make me feel as barren as your vacant face
as desolate as I left you that night
well congratulations
we're even

but I still feel small compared to your unearthly laugh
I feel it when I'm downtown locked away in a tiny apartment
choking on my gargled laugh to indulge a smart mans dull humor
how do you do that?
make your laugh like God?
he waits for a response that will never arrive

never teach me venom
I already feel it rolling through my veins
after your bite
no I find people to **** it back out
lips bleeding the life from me with every draw
so I can fall faint
so faint I can't remember your name and I can't remember
what
i
did
to
you
and I'm sorry
I guess that's all I'd say
if  we were to meet again one day

Every syllable a shock

reminder of genes
chimpanzeeed in error.

aberration of speech
worm-holing space,

frog-splashing time,

Homer not gone,
****** calls to battle

and the siren song.

more often than not lately I've found myself identifying with a dying heart. still beating. still functioning. living... barely.. but with an end in sight.
my feelings towards everything lately have been like a loaded gun. not necessarily going to cause harm, but ready to explode at the flick of a switch.
I've become so delicate, like a drop of rain on the edge of a steep roof. holding on, hardly, but on the verge of plummeting down at any second, just not quite ready to commit to holing on; or falling down to coexist with the moist heavy soil that lays below.
I used to think sadness could be beautiful or artistic, but this is neither. this is just ******* miserable.
i used to be so strong but now i am the polar opposite.
I can't have anyone take a shot at me without shattering, but I'm getting tired of picking up my mangled pieces, besides, they don't fit together quite the same anymore.  
This fragile state i have found myself existing in has left cracks and dents in every facet of my being.
but somehow the light can't quite shine through my stain glass window.
the rain just drips through the cracks.

m.k.

Learn to fly


i do not want to live this life hence
why i am sat here contemplating
this black handled knife i want to slit
my wrists and learn to fly sounds so great
but have you ever tried to take your life,
just to only to wake up later that night.
DSmith



Bold, Engulfed and left to feel the same

Deep,Vocal and pain
hopeless mind,hopeless pain
thoughts are controlling actions.
****** beds sheets and stained clothes
no food no help for me so it i beg god
hurries and shuts the coffin closed

DSmith


My one true love,proud from above

I am hiding behind enemy lines.
wasting money and of cause my life time
thoughts of you remind me that
you're mine. I am fine just sad from time to time
The one thing that helps me fight is the thoughts
that you are mine and one day we may reunite.



As you tug on each heart string


As you tug on my heart strings
ligature marks from blue ribbon string.
Why would i sing the lords praise,
I cry why would i sing that his name
was it all my fault i'm wondering,
Searching for the painless soul within

DSmith


So you are the people that rule the world


so you are the people who rule the world?
locking up young boys and girls....claiming,
that they are not well even though
they can see the real in the world
  there empty minds step on egg shells.
The evil in the world hides behind,
these boys and girls the ones who make
this world, S tay in the shadows or under shells
but no ones appealing to the self worth
and the ignorance just gets worse ..



DSmith



Scarecrow.

I have no body for me to show what i know,
i have had a few visitors but they come and go.
for what i am for i will never know
my hay is itchy my hat slanted
My arms are heavy there is a man on the path,
Maybe just maybe we could have a laugh...he's coming
I chant with glee he  would make a good friend for a girl or boy  
i can see something in his hand what can it be. We do not have any events planned oh no Oh NO CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! and the scarecrow drops.

DSmith

ANGEL FROM THE GROUND

I know from time to time you peer down
to watch me each day you become proud and think  wow look at him now
he's really getting on well no more drugs now making his daughters proud i sent a friend down to see you were okay and he said no angel can watch over other angels.


DSmith




So look at me now i look at my self proud i hold my cards close to my chest
but that's just me i always kept.
My feelings locked away some days i am sad, others i am glad i still remember you dad my daughters wont be ill make sure to tell what a great granddad they had.


DSmith



Mentally ill

so you want to know how the side effects make me feel.
I cant sit still, My eyes wonder
to one side so i am giving up
the will to fight.my muscle seize they turn to steal oh its nine o'clock time for medication. To lay these voices to rest get the pain of my chest lay back and let my mess take care of the rest


DSmith


Green green grass

They say the grass is greener on the other-side  i say it changes the demeanor
when two worlds collide.
the feeling of hope hides behind the prison, Of your mind to find out your the only one left behind

DSmith


Bullets

Bullets in the heart, razors slice the vein
is-it just me or is the world cruel.
were all the same passing buck and shifting blame...
A penny for your thoughts or a shot to the brain. Suffering, sufferings so they claim society is twisted. No respect ...its a shame... slit your wrist and soon you will see. You bleed red blood just like me.


DSmith

Pitter patter


Pain is not having a plan,
Pain is not having the man that brought you before this here land.
I could not see his plan now he's gone i've searched the sky, seas and sands.
Before i stand before you whether you like it or not the 16 th of may he decided it was time for me to be a man.
You could have told me i would have held your hand....
I have no choice,no voice and no sound of that man. Nor heart beat no pitter patter of his feet.
He left this life he thought it would be better but it all ended in defeat no more drunk days roaming the streets of more pitter patter from his and Ana's feet Night dad have a nice sleep.


DSmith




Sentenced to life in my head.


So what gives up the right
to say your health is alright but, your head is wrong...Alright how can you tell me you have lived my life.
Have you ever had the choice to carry on and fight or just sit there why tears flood your eyes. Have you ever cried your self to sleep because there no knifes, razors or pills to eat my sickness need more than prescription.. Try my shoes and how far can make cover over in a days mission are you sure let me help you down from your high horse what right do you have to judge me your the one with the devil on your back.


DSmith


Contemplating life


I do not want live this life
so i it and contemplate
this knife. To cut myself it would feel so right.
it feels so good like the holing of ice,
it just feels so right have you ever tried to take your life just to be on section the next night with these demons everyday i have to fight they tell me **** your self your not worth it i say i am not no where near perfect but i know my children are worth it  



DSmith



Ghost


Okay there was better ways to leave
I know but as I swing there,
pigments of ghost. I remain where I stay
till i heard from the ghost it whispers....
I loved you, the most. It was my time to go your time to shine please do not, Feel hate because I left you behind .

You was the best accomplishment in my
life as i lay here draining of life.. remember me for the things that went right.



DSmith



So here I am

So here i am once again,
Finding my self aimless
nothing else but shame,
I ask my self once, Twice
and over and over to stand here
rendered with heart ache, The same
heart ache that got me locked away in
in medium secure locked away safe and sound.. tap tap tap Daryll the devils calling.


DSmith


The howling past

The wind it echoes from cave to cave
gusting past like a hawk in prey.
The wind swoops to the lower level,with
each and every tattered feathers it flies by no matter the weather.

DSmith


domestic abuse


what would you class as abuse or the fact that the other half gave you the noose and tightened it so tight the no slipping loose the very way they make you feel good for a while, They put you down with cute insults.
Back to hate at the end of the day, The way they make you feel good to knock you down, they hit you and tell you its all your fault or they did it because they love you either way .....you know what i have to say... that's domestic abuse.

DSmith

flowers

This flower is me,
Freshly picked, Yesterday
vibrant and pink vibrant an
free, Alive and kicking but now is dead,
withered.......Dead petals, No leafs
gone into its self, just like me
i saw a lot of what the world was yesterday now i've given up,
the fight just a me!

written by


DSmith

I see you.

I can taste your blood.
I even smell it, I smell it in the air.
i even kept that snippet of your hair
i watch you as you sleep, I watch you as you eat.... i even like those socks that let your toes peak.
i can taste your blood I can smell it in the air.
First i'll remove your scalp, Even remove each hair, i'll slice my knife right through you leaving you for dead.
Cut you in to pieces and even freeze your head, I'll skin your legs and arms and even cut off your face  and then ill serve it to one of your mates i hear you begging, begging to be saved
I'll bury you in a field with unmarked graves...quick call the police before its all but to late.

DSmith

The Church


The church peaks over the trees the grass is long but a light  shade of green, The birds seek food then they fly away.
Looking out there's not one cloud in the sky. The moon can be seen ever so wide I look up for answers of what to do with my life.


DSmith


Freedom


I can hear the voices, To me they sing.
I can see the door I also feel the wind.
I look beyond the window ,from which were caged in.
I can feel the people in all there thoughts that spare
A hopeless Abis. I call but no one answers this.
I scream I shout but only because I'm scared.
I'm free I'm out I pray I never go back there.

DSmith

Stars


I look up to the stars wishing that i at least knew where to start. deep down in my heart i knew we were both doomed, Doomed from the start do not look within me nor check if i have a heart its cold out here in my world of hatred and dark.


DSmith


Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star

Twinkle Twinkle daddy's little star.
Sometimes i wonder where you are,
if you're sad or having a cry or having a laugh.
Other times i do not let you in because it becomes to hard.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star
I picture you dancing singing on my bed jumping up and down and then the pain again all starts.
Twinkle Twinkle daddy's star i miss you so much it feels wrong to laugh.

DSmith

Fate


There's no need to cut me down
I lay there in higher ground.
These beams of light **** in every
Bit of my life. I live In a dream of no God, nor light
No pain, no more voices for my pain to hide behind.
I hang here on the truth of mind. I hanging here
Just not caring what I left behind.



DSmith




Medium lock down and i'm loving it now



White jackets is the idea you get,
Needles in and restraints to forget,
i've been here a week now'
On a medium secure lock down ward shuffled walks everybody talks to voices that you  cant listen to talk,
Broken down minds obscure thoughts to be rebuilt, By medication and mind manipulation. Cheers to a life with no fair trail ..Were guilty without reason...

hey say their here to help
but stab you in the back
and twist it in, oh ever so kind
professional silver spooned
ignorant mind..
these people as we are..they are no longer of sound mind. Being held against
their will in a prison worse than hell.
in a places with no thoughts no control
but an over taken mind,
but this does not mean we are not worth your time.


DSmith


Dear mummy


Mummy why wont you hug me,
Mummy why cant i call you..
Mummy this is no longer funny,
Mummy what have I done?
Mummy why do  you not
love your son?...
Mummy why am i missing you?
mum this is your son please grow up
and be a mum.
Mum i guess don you not want to meet your son ....I HATE YOU MUM!!
MUM what are you doing here i wish it was you laying in my dads grave...
My sister calls ... mummy's dead..why is mummy dead...
Mummy why are you dead?
I wish i could take away every painful thing that i said.

Mummy i miss you I wish you were here.
the hopes of a reunion fade with each tear


DSmith


Its all but a dream


I wake up and see it was all but a dream,
But i have not got a clue,
why i have not shred one tear from my eyes.. I remember when you left when i was young. You said "look to the moon and blow a kiss and i will do the same my son" i look up to the sky i look for the moon and i feel to cry, but my tears run dry whats the point i feel better thinking you're not dead


DSmith




Silence was your plan


Some say suicide is selfish.
some say suicide makes you less of a man.deep own no one can see you pain,
I know you was not right so all I know is the pain you endured in your life was just to great...
you know it kind of feels nice knowing i was the relative in your eyes...
I have come to terms, That you have passed but that does, not mean i do not wish you were here  but i know you're watching now with pride and peace.    

DSmith




eyes that cry


Eyes that cried every night
see you thought you could hide
"but you cant hide" I knew you was not quite right.
I am a strong believer in life after death,
As well as the afterlife, when i go to your grave it just does not feel right.
i know you're still here peeking if only i could see what you are seeing.


DSmith




All chocked up

I am all chocked up ligature marks from this rope that hold my only hope, i am lost and broken the devil in side of me is awoken


DSmith


suicidal mind


Let me let you in on one of my thoughts,
Left out here alone, I am empty and lonely. only to be shed no empathy here i am still remaining empty. no shredding tears as m weakness is my only enemy...
I would get out of bed but the voices wont leave my head... they leave me with no energy, I wake up just to feel dead when i sleep i just sleep to hear you speak,
I remain in a dream, alone,empty and low self esteem...
why do i wake up praying it was all a dream just to look out side and be slapped with reality


DSmith



suicide suicide

Suicide is when two worlds collide
crying eyes,bottled up on the inside
locked in a prison locked inside your mind.



DSmith



Tears from each eye.


late at night i sit there and cry,
Questioning life who, What, Where and why must i carry on.
When i cannot scream nor shout,
Why must i fight, Why cant i leave with out thinking what i would leave behind
it was your time to shine that's why i cry most nights i would rather die than have to live this life, This lie.
My world could have meaning but no my earth dies screaming that why my life is here for me to die.


DSmith


I am trying i really am


I am moving on "well i am trying"
I am moving on only gods know why i have not started grieving or crying.
"whats the point"
"I guess it don't hurt enough"
"why oh why"
it still hurts just not enough.
"yes oh yes i am crying"
"but no more am i trying"
there is no point in telling
my self to start crying
"whats the point "
"i guess it would be lying"


DSmith


  Embrace the bliss


As i hang from these beams,
Falling in to the deepest dreams'
the sun is shining i can see the beams.
Its more beautiful than it could ever seem.
as the air leaves my tar filled lungs
I think of you when you were young,
My heart speeds and then slows.
my fingers tingle then go numb,
NO more struggling no more pain.

Daryll its not your fault let your self grow old and your hair go grey and you self get wiser as you get older.

you will always be my toy soldier,
keep on marching till your children are older there love for you will only grow bolder.

DO NOT LET IFE REMOVE YOU FROM ITS FOLDER.
Picture this, no more pain my life s over remember this just sit back and embrace the bliss.

  DSmith  


unspoken words

Silence many unspoken words,
but not a sound can be heard.
Greed another word for gain
fame another word for vain
deathly walks, A life from stalks
why should we have not a choice
to abort.


DSmith



The real world.

nothing as it seems, Were all asleep
life's but a dream, blues of red and reds of green.
life's but a dream what if i told you the sea was grey the trees not green...
Would you say i am crazy or living a dream, the world is full of love and happiness ..now whose crazy and living in a dream as i say victims cry and sufferers scream is this a nightmare or a repetitive dream.


DSmith



only time will tell

Only time will tell, what if I get ill,
and spend the rest of my life un-well
as I climb i've already fell, I faded away i wake up to cry just to go to sleep to die


DSmith


another suicide scare


Endless suffocation lost in the mix up of a
broken generation, See I claim I am a different kind of patient, i am sat here face full of fake emotion my life goes round in a upside down kind of motion i try to hang my self but the rope turned out to be gods token to hand me a life line I look back I thank god for the real man he has awoken.

DSmith



flower draped



Each day I am dying,
Each day I am crying,
The devil sees me an
mocks my crying,
I try to take my life he
whispers to me,
Why are you trying?
take that knife and start
slicing stick in and twist it
i have your soul i hope you miss
it is this hell or heaven do you
really want to risk it i have but two word your dead i think could this be worse
next time you see me ill be in a flower draped hurst.


DSmith



  As i take these pills

So as i drop this pill i realise i am ill,
I cant sleep does this mean i am ill?
calm -down, chill, but these nightmares are ore than real  sleep deprivation is the very reason i am ill,
So i guess its time to drop another anti psychotic pill oh that my life i love being mentally ill.


DS

Just give me a little clarity
I've been holing myself in this four corners
I am sick of thinking of the possibilities
I feel like I might just implode
Just give me a little clarity
And
           Save me from this Madness.

the violin was playing out in the corridor then a faint drawn out sound
in walks in a passing fare maiden skin pale and fainting from the heat
an exquisite bar was serving drinks down at the Prior Square experience
a glance to the left you can see the scenic view of the ocean with seagulls

remember me in times like these the pressing heart to a sweet homily
there's power in a song as it hit the strings
elps one get along sought after cadence
do not be afraid of a vision for it will teach you of what is to become
silently at night in my bed I dream of a demonic presence taking me away and dropping me

Breath deep through each attempt of extravagance yet at a glance it fades in the sunlight
Brandished through the ivy dressed with a taste of salt pete sipping tea alone
we stand erected to embrace its logical persuasion through the village gate
best to comtemplate the given addage of brevity along with a glimpse of cadence

At night the villagers get together for a dance to celebrate the order of the day
pier long in the deep manifestation of an audience plagued with vast new ideals
decor of decorated lavish attendees in the Prior Square holing hands
times like these are but far in few between