I know what I've done.
What the pauses are I've caused.
An still I cause more.
For my disappointment shows no flaws.
Each momental pause causes more pain than I never proceeded to mean to gain.
To the outside looking in I look fine "I'm surviving".
I try drugs. love and self escape.
Just to end up in the same place.
Suffering pain I can't take.
Was I meant for this or a cruel mistake.
Can I take pace on a path where I don't hate the sight of own face.
Replace the one who looks back the one with blue eyes not black and opaque.
Replace the pain and disgrace that peers back to my skin of grey drawn in cheeks
With veins that drugs leak from,
My tourniquet is the only thing that brings me back to norm.
Or should I say numb.
Sick of holding on one more ml and soon I'm gone.
Every body's looking at my life wondering where they went wrong how they regret how we never got on another soul or ashes blowing out in the sun.
There it is staring at me.
Mocking every word I write,wrapping it up.”no that’s not right”.
That A4 staring so bright, thin and irritating.
Blank page staring back at me inspire my self. “Some classical may flow my stream”?
“That A4 so thin and lined. So small not wide. Oxford lined why can’t I fill these 2mm lines?
With words of hope and inspiration.
Words to pin together a fallen nation:
To support the public servants and the ones we appreciate.
14 days or 1 year our existence is at stake please ring you mum, your nan your auntie.
Your granddad your friends you brothers.
We must pull together embrace advice love one another.
Help and strive together.
This blank page staring at me becomes interesting and a snap back to reality.
Love is strong and we are strong people come together in life when everything goes wrong.
Blank page blank page.
So white so bright.
Please be safe take my messages away check that neighbour you haven’t seen today.
NHS covid 19 lets join together let’s be safe
I can feel the breeze of the winter wind my body's covered with goosebumps on the layers if my skin I have no money to eat so I search the bins people laugh but they don't know the life that iv lived and the days of my children's life iv missed as I walk with my sweat soaked skin this summer of the homeless and there sun kissed skin have you some spare change sir he replays get a job but I fill with fire from within smile politely and say I'm hungry and shake my tin you wonder why I look I'll Ill and I'm thin banging on the council door please please let me in I haven't slept in a bed since I was 15 now I'm 35 I live a ***** life 35 no achievements accomplished in life so they overdose on drugs to get of the streets for the night please please surly this is not morally right enjoy your bed tonight why I sleep in needle soaked bushes just so I don't get attacked tonight what happened to the world putting things right I get moved on if I don't stay out of sight as I said be comfy in ur bed as I sit outside Salvation Army being kept awake by this hunger pain that keep my eyes wide and that rumbles from inside me
Mummy mummy where are you.
Mummy mummy why do you hate me.
Mummy mummy do you know how much I cried and urned to be snuggled up against your side.
Mummy mummy I hate you and you know why.
Mummy mummy if you died I would not cry.
Mummy mummy riddle me this can you guess why hear this evil voice inside.
Mummy mummy could you have done more?
Mummy mummy when you come to my dads grave on the day we lowered him from life.
Mummy mummy I wish it was you not my dad in the sky.
Mummy mummy why?
Mummy mummy I don’t need you.
Mummy mummy I hate you.
Mummy mummy because of you I can’t find love nor peace.
Mummy mummy I’m wondering if you admitted the wrong you done In my life.
Mummy mummy all I wanted was a mummy in my life.
Mummy mummy here’s the rope and you’ve given me the height.
Mummy mummy good night.
I hear them sing the devils song
It's been so long now. I don't know my self I find my self... Asking how I come back from these words of my darkest mind. I find my self masking my mind. I wish this pain I could put behind my mind and my hearts Devine.
I'm asking for time.
Alone in my mind.
I ask my heart where's my start fresh and kind to a life...
Completely the opposite to mine.
Where my mind is mine and my thoughts my own.
I'm trying to change but always a million miles from my home to a place with no voices zone...
I'm flying I'm dying I just wish I could give up trying
I don't want to be here.
I never want to think again.
I don't want to live here anymore
I mean in my head even silence is impossible there.
I don't want to take my life.
Just not mine some one else's will sure be fine.
Tic tic my life flys.
Happy days leave my side...
Then it's back to my darkest mind.
I don't want to live my life.
I'm all alone.
Again there they go suicide this self harm that I'm hanging on to hope even though I'd rather the rope.
"Daddy it's four years now".
"I would like to think I've made you proud"
But that I hardly doubt.
"I'm looking down to my children now"
How they're granddad is not on lower ground.
"How you would love them".
"Ava's two now and ana six now.
"their so pretty accept you can't see them now.
If only dad you could see some times I think about you and wonder if were here now.
"Would you still be the man you were?"
Maybe you started fresh no suicidal thoughts inside your head?".
I always guessed there's something beyond death.
But if that was true I could see you here hug you back listen to your heart study your breath.
Just one minute a word of what you did why you had to hang your self and why I had to live.
Daddy daddy I miss you now.
But daddy I also know why you didn't want to live.
A late good bye four year flew by.
You'll always be my hero.
My dad my king.
Good bye father the angels sing.
4 years on the 16/05/15