Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
singingghosts Jun 2017
okay. so if you've been paying any attention to me, you know i've spent my entire week on ketamine (a drug i have always felt was too deep for me) and also forcing people to listen to joanna newsom. and now i somehow feel like i've learned so much that i can actually apply it to be the person i thought i never wanted to be.

here's what happened.

i have been having inner struggles against myself, feeling like i'm getting older and more comfortable with being average and just living until i eventually die in a hospital bed though i would prefer it be in my own.

this has been destroying me. not so much death as it's been dying without any significant understanding, telling people without hesitation that i am going to **** myself. and it's not immediate either. it's just a general i'm gonna die one day but it'll be by my hands.

i've been back and forth with my ego and my logic self or whoever else is here, so far that i actually considered maybe i had a split personality disorder everyone else was aware of and never told me. and it's been ******* me up.

so i had an episode halfway through joanna newsom Have One On Me album, maybe my favorite album. Ys is up there but i often wonder if it's the album that gets to me or Only Skin dominating.  

friday i got some people together. gave them ketamine. played the Ys album. what happened was unexpected as 1 i personally have never listened to joanna newsom on dissociatives and 2 i have never had anyone have the reaction to her i saw happen.  

my friend's wife is in her 40s. i'm not entirely sure what she does but she is a pianist and she likes art and she doesn't eat meat and all in all there's many things i need to discuss with her. it's become now almost a calling to sit down with her and talk to her. i am driven to her power and before we had this exchange together i had been absolutely terrified of her.  

we did not have enough time for what i realized needed to happen.

sunday i had time though with other people. i will feed my friends ketamine and play joanna newsom's entire discography, every hour giving them a higher dose of K.

by 'sadie' my friends were in holes. mind you, these are people who don't listen to joanna newsom.  they listen from post modern jukebox to classic rock. they aren't casually drawn to joanna, sober, the way i am. and for any joanna fan this is something we have grown accustom to. we don't get offended when people don't get her but when they DO get her, really get her, it's a religious experience.

i don't know what they experienced completely. i was in egypt. i was swallowed by sand, surfing pyramids, bursting through the warmth of the sun. i was traveling. trying to write this now has become difficult as i have just done another two lines and feel these hands trying to lay me down.

only skin comes on. 16 minutes felt like 2 minutes once it ended but those 16 minutes felt like 40 days while it played. i had been patched together. the sound now coming from inside my body. my body buried in this darkness pure darkness. the only way to explain what k holing is is the hypnotized scene of Get Out where the dude is lowered into his subconsciousness watching through his eyes from a well staring up at images
of what is happening. sorta watching yourself go on its own

i'm not sure if this is the case for everyone, but that scene is a real feeling and it's one i adore

my thought process was "i need everyone to get here and hear this" it felt almost therapeutic for me and to see everyone have a similar reaction to her, people who don't even listen to her, maybe people who would've just been like "ok" hearing her, be completely cleansed by this sequence.
that's what i called it. a sequence. each album was a phase and a journey we must endure together. keeping each other safe. and i could feel our panic and our madness. i could feel us unraveling and i kept us all together. taking brief intermissions and cigarette breaks.


i put headphones on to get there. the sensory deprivation the sensory isolation pulls my consciousness pulls my body away. it's an incredible feeling.

i take the headphones off though i cannot feel them on my head. i am aware that is the power source. i am in bed. i take a second to remind myself where my body is though my mind is anticipating it's escape.

i breathe. i put headphones back on.

days pass. days have spent time without me though i am still here. i've been writing so much. so many things i don't remember i wrote but when i see it again i remind myself there are places unexplored in my brain. places i thought didn't exist. i accepted the perimeter of my thoughts and feelings so long that i was just this clay blob of grey without motivation. without the ability to see through it or above it. i accepted wherever i've been mentally for the last half of my life was where i would stay for the remainder of it.

i was wrong. i was so wrong.

i watched my friend watch the girl he loves at work. she's a dancer. he never came to her job before and i was afraid for her. i was afraid he would make a scene and i had to talk to him before we went in to make sure he could handle it.

he didn't handle it well. at first

at first he kept staring her down talking to some dude and i kept talking in his ear "it's okay she's just working it's okay please she'll come to us when she can. don't distract her" and he kept insisting she didn't see him but she saw us. we made eye contact and i knew she knew what i knew and that was that i needed to get him to understand he needed to let go of this bitterness and disgust he felt for her career choice.

and it worked. i did calm him down. and she did come to us. and they probably ****** like they never ****** before when they got home.

and i've been talking to people. really talking to people. listening. reading. i can focus again. i can pay attention. i can keep myself in a present moment and process it without getting distracted or bored.

i met so many people this week. so many people i would've never met even though i go to the same bars and see them i never talked to them but this week we all finally talked and we all connected and we all realized we felt the same way the way i was reading my timeline saying "it's so sad people feel like me across the world too" and they're right here near me near us and we are so blinded by ourselves, i was blinded by myself, to see who they are as people and their relation and positioning and significance. and it feels so good

i don't want opiates anymore. over a decade i've done drugs. all drugs. drinking. weird *** ****. i've been gluttonous in my pleasures each corner of them i've relished and raved and grinned about my existence to somehow feel this awful part of me i couldn't control is what made me stand out, made me better, made me more human. it's garbage. everything i've believed is garbage. it's trash.

and now i CARE. for the first time in my life i actually care about things because i WANT to and not because i'm told i probably should, finding myself tossing about looking for the right words and actions to give the illusion i know what i'm doing. i had no idea what i was doing. i was just doing things because i wanted to imitate what everyone else was.

it feels so good to finally experience people and life the way i thought people just fabricated to sell books and movies. all of the things and life i believed were shallow and disingenuous, i was wrong. it was me. i was shallow, disingenuous. i was selfish. i was cutting myself off from life and blaming the world around me for not seeing things my way. i was a perpetual child and ketamine has finally made me grow up.

i'm not saying throw away your meds and eat better but that's what i am gonna do because i hated when people would say **** like that. like, no. *******. eating raw broccoli won't cure my depression. it won't but having the experience i had this week, having the tools to actualize my mental instability and now, god, somehow now really believing in myself and my goals and lifestyle, i have this unknown drive and faith in my ability as a person that i would get when my meds actually did work. but this isn't something i have to take every single day for the rest of my life. this is something that gave me insight i never realized for myself before, just heard, just read. like am writing this now and there's people who felt the way i felt before i did this saying "oh god" because honestly a few days ago i would've felt the same way. i can't believe the things i'm saying are so real to me and this IS new for me and it is something i want to explore and learn more about. i'm researching clinical trials and reading articles and experiences and seeing.... this might actually be the future of mental health and well being and if it is, i need to learn how i can take my experiences and have someone way smarter than me figure out how to make use of it to benefit everyone from my family to people who aren't born yet. i lived my whole life in such a bad place. no one deserves that. we deserve better quality of life. i've been on so many different meds and lifestyle paths and drugs and everything they tell you to do and NONE OF IT WORKED FOR ME. therapy didn't work for me. cleanses didn't work for me. love didn't work for me. running didn't work for me. water. greens. positive thinking. but i'm gonna figure this **** out and i want this experience to be beneficial to everyone who has ever known who i am.

my only fear is that when i start to sink back into my murky brain it'll be hard to get back here. i've been somewhere close to where i am now but i never made it over until now. i don't want to go back. god please don't take me back
so weird reading other posts where i had close realizations to where i am now. i was so close.
singingghosts Nov 2016
i'm in the shower. i have 2 rags and a loofa. i fold the rags. i make sure i consciously fold them now. i don't think it cures my depression but there are a hundred tiny things i force myself to do to try and keep myself out of funks. like if i just stop caring it's easy for me to fall back. sometimes i do though. and maybe it's some placebo thing, you know? maybe i don't know.

the point is i read an article and someone said they stopped taking their meds and went to the gym and their depression went away.

if your depression goes away, you don't have depression.

anyone reading this, there's 3 types of you:
1. someone who is depressed and hates people explaining depression.
2. someone who isn't depressed but thinks they are because life isn't always good.
3. someone who isn't really sure but is looking for solidarity somewhere online because they cannot get it in real life.
4. actually there's 4. someone hoping to learn something to help someone they love.

what do i know about depression? very, very little. i don't want to keep explaining how i think i feel when i can't even tell if that's what's really happening. And every single time i stop taking my medication it's that much harder to start again. i tell myself I SEE THE LIGHT, HOW I CAN BE AND SHOULD BE. I CAN DO THIS. but it's time to wake up and smell the car accident.

there is no light, just sounds and moments. i know who i can be but i can't be that person consistently. and no, i probably can't do this or i would've already.

i haven't been writing much lately. i've been working on my addictions and my love life, or lack thereof. my mood swings have been so out of control i think they're starting to become abusive, emotionally.

the tiny things i do. that's what i wanted to write about. i see stuff online like "hey having a bad mental health day. any tips?"

i have some tips. i can't promise they work. it's not about them working, it's about sharing a part of myself with you, and that's all it's ever wanted to do online.

i take my shoes off before i come inside. i didn't always. i didn't care. and one day after shampooing the rugs (during presumably a manic episode?) i was like ******* WHAT THE ****? IVE HAD *** ON THIS FLOOR AND ITS FILTHY. and i stuck with it. routines are so ******* important.

i have an extreme skin routine that i do ONCE a week, and basic face maintenance 6 days a week. i've learned doing one big huge wild night is actually sort of nice. it takes me like two hours to finish everything. i've been learning to really enjoy this, where i used to find it tedious and exhausting.

everything feels exhausting so it's good to find things that make you feel refreshed instead. but you just have to keep trying.

i make lime water with cucumber. it doesn't actually do anything probably but it makes me feel like i'm doing something good for myself.

plants are chill. but you'll probably **** a few and that's okay. something i wish someone told me before i started getting into plants was YOU'RE GONNA **** A FEW AND THAT'S OKAY. but now that i've accepted this, i've gotten better. plants aren't for everyone. like, my one friend is super depressed and there's garbage all over the house and the dogs **** and **** everywhere and it's hoarding grounds and gross and bad, and it doesn't bother her.

i gave her a plant. she doesn't give a ****.

plants aren't for everyone.

i wish often i knew how to help her. i cried the other day telling her that. "i wanna help you and i can't" it was hard to admit that to myself. i didn't mean to make her feel bad about it. i just feel super ****** seeing her live in filth and disease and she's just "who cares?" about it. i do. she's an entirely other story that i can't write about right now.

what else do i do?

i had been forcing myself to eat breakfast for awhile but i fell off that track.

i guess it doesn't really matter what i do. my point is it's not easy and you have to actually FORCE yourself to do things and try to not hurt anyone. and also, using people for ****** gratification to cope with your feelings is really ******.

stop doing that.

that's it. that's all i know.
singingghosts Aug 2016
I've been in and out of therapy and partial hospitalization programs for about 20 years. you'd think by now I would be better or at least discover a new flavor of ice cream I enjoy but nope, I only like green mint.

there's a lot that's wrong with what I've been dealing with so I'm going to short list it:

start therapy
see new psychiatrist
psychiatrist prescribes me meds before my first therapy session even begins
I hate my psychiatrist
I hate my therapist
therapy does nothing
talking does nothing
I start fantasizing about murdering animals
it scares the ******* **** out of me
I tell my psychiatrist
she said it's the meds
she prescribes me something else
the fantasies stop
my therapist thinks I have daddy issues
my therapist won't stop talking about my father
it's annoying
I hate her
I ask to see a new therapist in the same facility
she asks why
she asks about my fetishes
she takes off her flats and crosses her legs
I'm not sure if she does it intentionally
I feel weird
I see a new therapist
I love my new therapist the first visit
my psychiatrist is replaced
my new therapist only sees me once
I tell her everything she needs to know
I feel amazing
I feel like this is good
she was a temp
I am lost in the system
I have no therapist for 4 months and no one sees to care
my new psychiatrist seems great
she likes plants
she's funny
I feel good about this
she cancels an appointment
I try to make a new one
no one calls me back for a month
I get a new appointment
she cancels
I get a new appointment
she doesn't show up
I'm calling and calling and leaving voicemails
no one calls me back
I still have refills until July 28th
I call everyday the last week of July to make an appointment because I need her authorization for my refills now
I call my pharmacy to ask for help because I'm running out of meds and no one is helping me
every time I go off my meds it's very bad for everyone and I start doing drugs
I don't wanna be off my meds anymore
my pharmacy calls her the day of my refill
she denies the refill
I can't even get a few pills until I get a new appointment because she's denied it and they can't do anything if she denies it
I call my general Doctor
she prescribes me for two weeks
I leave a crazy voicemail on my psych's machine
she never calls me back
I can't get a new appointment
I called all day everywhere
no one is taking new patients
I don't know what to do

did you get all that?

my issue with this situation isn't even really about me directly. it ***** for me but if I end up off my medication I know I can always buy it online illegally or just do dissociatives to keep me from being violent or hurt myself or anything remotely alarming.

my issue with this is I know a woman who sees my ex-psychiatrist. she is not well. she goes into these catatonic episodes and can't do anything. she hides out for months. she's in an abusive relationship. she doesn't eat. she can't talk sometimes. she needs someone to do more for her than just have her show up. she needs people to be actively involving themselves. she needs intense help and I know her appointments were canceled as well.

I can't stand the thought of how many people are in this field who are not doing their job. how unprofessional to literally cancel my refills the day I need a refill because I need to "make an appointment" like ***** I haven't been trying?

what kind of ****** up spiteful **** is that?

that's not right. I don't even know HOW to deal with this. I feel like what she did is illegal or at least negligent. but also that this is something that must happen all the time because these people know they are treating people who are unwell and maybe don't know how to help themselves.

I don't know. I wanted to share this in hopes someone has dealt with something similar and knows the next step or if there's something I can do to have my psychiatrist dealt with. do I call the facility? do I talk to someone about it? who? she knows I don't know the first thing about how to do this and I know I'm not the only one.
singingghosts Jun 2016
I think I wrote this about 12 hours after I ate too much **** and I transcended the physical world.

you know face melts? ok. just like that. but my entire body. my entire body is melting. I have become dripping paint. I'm the water I'm made up of just flowing around the kitchen like dust. I have no body. my eyes are closed but I know where everything is. I understand everything I'm doing wrong with my life. I understand everyone all of a sudden. everything people I don't even know exist. I found out what causes dementia. I'm puking everywhere but I don't remember cleaning it up. did I even puke as much as I thought or at all? I DONT KNOW. I stood in the shower for an hour because I accepted I would die in that shower if I tried to move. I cleaned the house but I don't understand how. I don't understand how I was able to do anything, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, because I kept going blind and my body was missing and I think I separated my consciousness and subconscious from overpowering the other and became two operating entities. one, this one, tripping ******* so hard I can see my head from above myself splitting into sheets. like someone sliced me up like a *** roast and I was just watching myself shake.

and two, this completely shut down version of myself that is functioning without me being capable of thinking about anything surrounding me. it just... am I a robot?

****. I'm a robot. why the hell can't this benefit my mood swings
singingghosts Jun 2016
I am an addict. do I feel like an addict? no. do I think I'm an addict? not really. but by definition and doctors and meetings and romance, I am an addict.

I started using ****** when I was in high school. I didn't start shooting until I was 20. somehow this felt like an accomplishment to me. it felt like "oh! I made it so long without putting a gross needle in my arm!!!" when in reality I was just trying to make myself feel better about something I felt awful about.

I stopped being a daily user around 25. I went through withdrawal, I never learned how to function sober, I made a Twitter. I've battled drug binges for years convincing myself "I'm not addicted, I just need to relax."

I think that's maybe what makes me an addict. my immediate response to stress is to break sobriety.

for the last few weeks I've been snorting some ****** research chemical I've never heard of. my friend is into herbalism and also chemistry so I basically put any drug he gives me into my body and trust it won't **** me.

I am going through withdrawal. I'm going through a really rough withdrawal unlike the ones I experienced with ******.

I'm terrified every time I'm sober for an hour and recognize how awful I feel. I decided I needed to stop a few days ago. this is the longest binge I've been on in awhile. usually it's just a weekend or a week. it's been about a month now of non-stop highs from when I wake to when I sleep.

do I feel guilty about this? not at all. I should, though. I should feel disgusted with myself and admit this is more than a binge and it might be a real problem for me if I don't stop now.

I stopped for 12 hours... because I was sleeping. I woke up slow and I didn't wanna do anything. I just wanted to eat something and it hurt to eat and I puked anyway. I chain smoked three cigarettes.

I tried to not do it again.

I'm worried about my strength to stop. I'm worried about why it's been going on this long.

I see my doctor in a few weeks and if I'm not a week clean by then I'm just going to come right out and tell her I need help.

if I could just stay sober for a day I will be fine. I'll be totally okay. but I can't. it's so hard because it's so easy to be high.

I have not lost sense of myself. obviously. I'm very aware of what's going on and what I'm doing. and I know I need to stop. but I need to figure out what to do in order to process my stress otherwise.

am I an addict? yes. but only because life doesn't give me other options.
singingghosts May 2016
triple layer chocolate cake (hint of coconut) with mint lime cream filling completely encased in chocolate.


8oz cream cheese
1 and 1/4 stick of butter
possible 3 cups of powder sugar
2 limes
fresh mint
all purpose unbleached flour
white sugar
baking soda
Cocoa power
2 eggs
coconut extract
vegetable oil
dark chocolate chips
whipping cream

I can't remember what else but I say what below in case I missed something

8oz cream cheese
1 stick butter
2.5 cups of powdered sugar
3 tablespoons lime juice
2 teaspoons lime zest
half handful of mint leaves

BLEND mint, lime juice & zest together. you want mint to be tiny tiny.

BEAT butter and cream cheese together. I leave them out, sometimes I heat them up to make it easier to beat.

BLEND lime mint mixture into cream cheese butter.

ADD powder sugar.

MIX all together by hand first.

get a hand mixer or beater or whatever and literally beat the **** outta that stuff. until it whips up as much as possible.

PUT it in the fridge for a few minutes. like 10. just to check how it does. if it's not a consistency like cream, beat it more and add half a cup of confectionary sugar.

CAKE MIX: (realistically you can just buy cake mix)

2 cups all purpose unbleached flour
2 cups white sugar
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
1 cup vegetable oil (or any type of shortening you prefer)
1 cup water
2 teaspoon coconut extract

put all the dry ingredients into a bowl. MIX with a whisk or something. if you have sifter, use that to break up the flour. you wanna get all the dry ingredients mixed pretty well before you add wet.

ok, so flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt. all together. great job.

next, BEAT all the wet ingredients together NOT INCLUDING THE WATER.

you beat the eggs, buttermilk (don't replace this with regular milk), oil, and extract. once it's all blended all nice, add it to the dry and mix it together by hand.

you use an electric mixer or beater now. the reason you hand mix everything first is to avoid a bigger mess when the machine mixes because it can make the dry ingredients spread out like ****. and I hate messes. so I'm extremely **** in the kitchen.

ok now just beat it all baby. add the water slowly. a lot of people will tell you to use boiling water. you can but I don't suggest it to anyone who has never used boiling water in a batter before... so I'm not suggesting it.

it should be runny and also delicious. if it's not, uhm... oops? mine was great. you ****** up. let's continue.

GANACHE!!!!!: (wait until the cakes done AND COOLED to do this part tho!!!)

get a ***
add a bag of dark chocolate or milk chocolate whichever you want. I prefer dark chocolate while baking.
I really eye this so I'm throwing caution to the wind here and pour maybe 3/4 cup of heavy cream or whipping cream.
also, 2 tablespoons of butter. (you don't NEED the butter but I like what it does to the ganache)

ok now on low heat leave those things in the ***. mix it a little. DONT LET IT BURN. MEANING, DONT PUT IT ON HIGH HEAT. YOU WANT A SLOW MELT

Ok so. mix it until it's creamy and silky and soft. but seriously do this part at the very end.

get three 9 inch cake pans. spray, butter, coat, oil WHATEVER just grease the ******* pans.

use a measuring cup because you want each cake layer to be the same. do 1.5 cups of batter in each. if you have left over, divide it by three.

bake it at 300F for 30 minutes

don't open the door between those 30 minutes. when you do, poke middle with toothpick. if toothpick comes out clean, it's done.

let cool completely on a cooling rack.

some people cut the tops off to make the cake layer even. I **** at cutting things evenly unless it's ******* so I have my own method. I suggest cutting though. you can also cut the edges if they're crispy but I like it that way.

ok. the ganache. get a spoon and just coat the top layers of the bottom and soon to be middle layer.

you want all three layers lined up next to each other.

take the *** off the heat while you're doing this. just hold off for a moment. you come back to it.

let the ganache layers cool down. you'll know when it's cool. when this happens  get the cream and do a nice layer over the chocolate. now stack them.

it should be from the bottom up: cake, chocolate, cream, cake, chocolate, cream, cake. (try to stack in on a cooling rack)

take the rest of the cream and evenly spread it over the entire cake.

nice. the rest of the chocolate ganache? double check that it is POURABLE but also that it's NOT HOT. warm is ok but a little less than warm would be ideal.

pour. the. chocolate. over. the. entire. cake. if you can do this on a cooling rack, do it. it'll let the excess chocolate drip down. you can take a knife to spread it around nicely. I think that's it. I can't think of anything else.
singingghosts Oct 2013
The song of a coin falling out of her pocket without notice, as in, without anyone bothering once it makes that ping and flat circling seesaw sound. The stillness of bathwater when no one is in it anymore. That's strange, I think, most of the time I find this strange, how somewhere so loud can echo your voice even when you're singing to yourself.

I look forward to the weekend, when you aren't too tired for sleep.

— The End —