sometimes i wish i was never born
sometimes i have to fullfill those          meaningless places with clothes,
makeup and my smile.
sometimes i want to mute my voice so that no one can listen to what im saying
they dont understand me anyways.
  
     i want to mean something in this world
                      mean something to someone

But no one is looking for the good.
they all want to look only when i’m failing.

• am i interesting only when
i end up    
                  dead?

give me love because lately I've been trying to tie a ribbon in my mouth. I forget too soon all the lessons i learned from leaving the south.

i bend over backwards and open my chest in a position to bring it to rest like Prima the Ballerina. My fingers ***** the empty air as if to pluck a rosy twang from a long bow I just imagined. my circumference dissipates to reveal my core, wake up not any more in  a beaten trailer, but a nest full of hope.

i'm wearing a black body suit and i finally have strength to stand on my toes. My point is I wish I had stood up for myself.

I can't forget looking down at the sad scene and I knew : I could never write again.

I lived in a place where the windows were nailed shut. You had to drink from a broken cup. Still. There's a place within that I refused to give up.



An angel above watched the figure of a girl stumble out from a tunnel into a staggering light, her feet ***** through the next 3 years of her life. The angel was forbidden to break a strict law of interference. The angel stood like an innocent bystander at a bar, babysitting her drink as the tall young brunette the one with beachy hair, she had sailor striped earrings,  staggered into womanhood. The angel hovered closely over her shoulder during the young lady's independent study of the greatest lesson in life's classroom: Acceptance. Finally. On the brink of the greatest love of all.

"Give me love!" She shouted from a rooftop and crossed that off her to-do list. Then she danced like there was no one who could judge her except the angel who sat there in Lovely Sally leggings in a wistful stare, her blood had turned into alcohol. She wondered who this person was, too full of music to be filled with sorrow, dancing in a **** hole and on rooftops. She knew as an angel, she shouldn't drink, but no one judged her. She knew a few monks that smoked.

This chick had drank more than enough, hollered on a rooftop, kissed a girl, and now was too tired to stand, she swayed like willow tree. The 20 year old traveled without stopping to a park & sat
in the same seat she did when she was 17 and made love for the first time.  Now the angel was seeing double.

The angel had this silly thought to take her to a rural town in Germany. Angels were allowed to visit any where and with any one. That's what she was doing now.


She watched her pick herself up and find herself home after a long wistful silence.  The angel glanced at the spot under the oak tree after she dissapeared from her eyes.   She left behind a checkerboard composition notebook bookmarked with a  pink mechanical pencil. It was her to-do list.

- learn ballet
- buy my cat the most toys on the block
- afford sophisticated clothes
- get new violin strings and bow
- drink more water
- love myself
-donate nice clothes to an unfortunate girl
-deforestation

The angel read all 47 items through her bloodshot eyes and decided she'd help fullfill it.

She's the girl with the Bambi Eyes
Hidden behind a pair
of heart-shaped sunglasses
The ones I bought her

I like to roll her name
off the tip of my tongue
from the pit
of the fire
of my *****

Great artists steal
She took my heart
and fueled it with temptation
and had me
fullfill her wish lists

with kisses of wishful thinking
if I thought I was going
to get more than pics

Seductive
snapshots
slipping
Something beautiful
in the back of my mind for once
'cause all I see dark
things sometimes

It'd be nice to shed some light
on the situation
like I'm worthy of enlightenment
we are all one narrative
choose your own anima archetype

******,
operative
word
plays
my heart like a harp
and makes life seem
more
harmonious

The more she stares me down
with
assisted
spontaneous
combustion
on her mind

is not a wolf
in a sheeps clothing
but a goth
in a flame
torturing your being
to hear you screaming my name
ravishing your body
with weapons and heat
beating you shameless
till you collapse at my feet
pain isnt the issue
its more about trust
a safe word not needed
i fullfill your lust
pulling of hair
scratching at skin
biting you there
i get deep within
pleasures the name
pain is the vice
come play if you dare
to pay the price

I think some R here
For Adulation
Not merily
Concocked Expajulation
But Rather 2
Find Some Praise
2 Their Creations
2  fullfill
Some Sensation
That Their TIME
Spent With *******
Was Something MORE
Then Emancupation
4 ALL of U
I GIVE
adulation

In the depths of your minds I wander
in red and black I saunter

from your fiery hot desires I stay
to fullfill your fantasies, so I play

In my minds eye I wonder
do I exist in a world from lascivious blunders

Or am I just that.....
an empty mind and soul
exist only for your salacious cold.

Ciao to the world. . .my hand is free. . .
hope to penetrate all your misery. . .
stand on beside you feeling my glee. . .
what them can't I can't see, we both can just be. . .
Happy and free. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .where do you see?
Unspeakable motions relenting through notions. . .
That you are the world and I am the world. . .
Ride up beside planted come tree. . .
Choosing to sense, what life doesn't chance. . .
If was so easy to speak without kissing the *****. . .
Learning together, binded by teather on unspeacable measure. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
What pleasure do feel?
Sensations at leasure, stranded by seasure.
What is so pure then to run with a cure, of being you just you, and I just me. . .
When it doesn't matter. . .
For we are and can be, and always I sensed that, friends with the power to smile on the world. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
Do you smile on yourself?
Getting it clearer, this sense that's titer so nearer. . .
so great of a mystery as to what cost it in history. . .
What paused it about among,
domeneering a crowd. . .
that ****** on that history and made life this lost mystery. . .

Ciao to the world.. .
It's so great that I see you. . .
Peeling your skin to taste on your roots. . .
Feeling my life has strapped on its boots. . .
what is so moving,
Is something no one can keep you in life from disproving. . .
For this is the part that always puts on the spot,
what idea is given as the source of this proving?

Ciao to the world. . .
Why we need for such pusher, who can't but press on for the moocher?. . .
And feed to the world what we don't aspire,
some even becoming blind to how life truly feels.
Because of what shameful desire it instills. . .
so they take flight to the hills, running their bills,
killing the time without the conception that people of each one's own doesn't need redemption from such a parole. . .
Derived from an old point of a hunt for the dead sea scroll. . . .

Ciao to the world. . .
Where in these hills do we ever tumble under strains,
put down under mockingly with such assumptive pains?
Who in the **** disallows what we all grow so heartedly to cherish,
and then take on to fight against what we don't embellish?
For sake of each one our own, blown from where we inspire,
life is but for pleasure and desire, for, to in happiness respire.
There isn't but hell in this place, in which we feel to replace. . .
Bit by bit, but always making it harder for in this pace, it's such a miserable and unfortunate case. . .
Of greed in its haste, molding most souls into waste.

Ciao to the world. . .
Where in the hell did you go in this haste,
loosing the sense of what built you in the first place?
Not God, nor feeble men,
but love for certain aspirations of good to make this world an ease for many admirations.
For centuries to come, where we behold on in under one world of pleasant desire to fullfill all that we were fighting for,
mirror image of what freedom by hearts could implore.
Sincerely we never need be, for some it's just an ease,
to want always please into the self, stand on top of the shelf like a beaten up trophy headed for disastrous catastrophy.. . .

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm sit in Jardin du Luxembourg. . .Where life is full of smorgesbourg, all we are so different, relenting to one thing of beauty of the peace and quite that we want always beside, be.
How this little part of the world in larger then life city of Paris,
won't stand all around for a day say on the other side of the planet,
because some would want for it to be a glamour for riches drowned in their clamour.. . .

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm sit by a stranger. . .Do you think I feel danger?
Do you see what's even a mistake, life is something not quiet so fake, even when you give a chance to let one other have the better miser dance,
given the glance with such bitter pretense is worth even to chance?

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm gather on all of my new experience. . .Better perciever then most think im deceiver. . .
When who is better then being the deceiver?
Is one getting by, the best of the deceiver. . . .slaughtered at the mind by vivid perception,
because in all case life has taught nonsense ridden by selfish perception of ones own misdirection. ..

Ciao to the world. . .
I'm satisfied to be pleasant without the need for so much in life,
all but to gather on what life is so abundant,
all the smiling faces passing with haste paces, from so many different places. . . . .

Last night in the deepest slumber
My mind forced upon me a sight
A terrifyng thing gave me a fright
A cruel and effective vision
Presentation of true value
By stripping it of it's purpose

Upon strolling by the lake
I saw a body in the water
A young woman, picture perfect
Stripped of her clothes
Floating, skin all blue
Did you fall and drift away
Did you get caught in the stream

I ventured in to the water
Cried over the loss of her life
A young woman
Isn't anyone looking for her
Where is everyone
Did you come here alone
Did you do this to yourself
I looked around adjusted my eyes

I took in great big stones
Covered by moss
A few of those on the beach
Branches fallen from trees
Nature's waste washed upon the shore
Then I looked closer
Is that a leg sticking out?

Then the reality hit me
The girl in the water
Was just one of the many
She must've drifted off
From the hundreds
Massacred and sterilized women on beach
Piled up like firewood

What a crime, for shame
What a loss, there aren't enough tears
They were used up and tossed
A momentary release
Of a monster within the perpetrator
Possibly looking for it's new victim
Behind my back for all I know

As if there is an infinite stock
As if their existance and growth
Could happen over night
As if It didn't take love and care
To ensure their wellness
As if two people didn't work
Tirelessly to raise their children
To shape the people they were going to be
As if they didn't have paths to walk
Friends to meet and destinies to fullfill
As if God hadn't given them any meaning at all

I stood there, amidst the rain
Amidst the flags, amidst the words
Amidst the thousands, amidst everything
Wondering where the feelings are

I searched it in the flags
I looked for it in the words
I sought for it in people
Still ******* find them

I did find relief though
Realising that they are not alive
Because for what they fought to raise(the tricolour)
Is being held by a machine

The sad part is
We couldn't fullfill that one promise
The promise of keeping our flag raising
Not by machines but by our efforts

As I stepped outside and looked on the corrupted road
I saw crushed flags I saw crushed hope
A man buying the tricolour from a child
I saw a struggling childhood, I saw a struggling independence
In the midst of all this, I saw a struggling independence

iSmile, iLaugh, iHug
Deep Within Me its All an Act.
iFroun, iScream, iCry
Deep Within Me iTs What iFeel
Why Do iFeel Empty?
They Tell Me iHave Everything
A Family, Wealth, Support
iKnow iKnow iKnow
They Say What More?
Idont Know, iDont Feel Alive
iFeel Souless, No interest, lifeless
What Do iWant? What Are
My Needs? To fullfill these Depression Thats deepining .

I was born to taste thee
as I kiss your lips and taste me

I was born to please you
just as long as you return the favor times two.

We were born to hunt and envelop the night all around
to get lost within each other then found.

We were born to fullfill our lust and desire and just be
eyes that devour one another and truly see

I was filled with passion
On a mission
To fullfill what I thought was possible
I planned
Did everything that I can

People, times like this
When you did your best effort
And in the end, it is not enough
****, it will hurt
It will ******* hurt, I tell you

I'd like to say that I'am a warm fuzzy person
I'd like to say that this torture of waking up does'nt make me sick
I'd like to say that the sun makes me smile.
These would be lies
the dark amuses me
I enjoy dissapointing people
I get a kick out of manipulating
and controlling your thoughts and actions
I compromise your God
the sloth slow moving and never quick enough to fill my desires.
If the day would come where we meet face to face
I'd ask him to send me to purgatory where I belong
because I know I dont deserve him.
I pray in anger
I pray to him to fullfill my wants
I pray to him to make me wealthy
This is not proper prayer
This is not the way to talk to God they say.
The life that was ment for me
was of his making was it not
So why does he make me suffer with this talent of making people sick
to making people fear
to me always being in need of the next high
to me destroying, rebuilding, and destroying again?
Why does he send me in this tail spin
only to crash and burn
to have the demons of hell rip my limbs each evening?
Because of the secrets I hide from God and Others eyes
I toss and turn hoping my prayers will be answered
so I can be the person I was before
so I can be warm and fuzzy again
but the secrets I hide are not seen by your or Gods eyes
so How do I release these secrets without opening the eyes
of the world to my celler door?
Where the secrets have been waiting to see a light and to be freed to the upstairs living quarters to be with the rest of the family.
To be seen by your and Gods Eyes

"Alchemy is the rainbow that bridges all that is earthly and ephemer to all that is heavenly and eternal. It's the bonding of matter and spirit. The desire for a perfect life that can only be achieved through knowledge.

Alchemy is the union of life and death to fullfill a more fundamental purpose: that of the creation. To create life from nothing."

I finally made it
To the end of the road
My life told
A good story

What can one do
When the inevitable occurs
Of course, you can fight
And act
As if your antics
Weren't worthless
In fact
You can work less
If you're aware
Of whats the worse
That can happen
The happening happens every minute
Which happens to be
The time
For a hundred tenants
To get evicted
Check the census
And since its
Seconds
That fullfill
Like fantasies
I'll write a fiction

A fraction
Of the factions
Would still
Be in action

Whose actions
Are
Half as cruel
as Hitlers?

Huiessen's
or Stalins?

20 million scream
"Joseph!"
But a child disagrees
And speaks the words
"Barely a third."

So many
Executions
Jesus Christ!
What would you do
The only man
To die
And come back to life

The truth comes to light
But lies lurk in shadows
How shady
Maybe
In May
We can see it all
And to my dismay
This just may be
Already fall

One of the things people should know in  life is that we must not underestimate a person because you might be surprise about what he/she is capable of doing. He or she may not appear to be too strong for now but it is possible that he or she would be greater than you when the right time comes especially if he or she has an ambition of his/her own. It makes me feel sad and disappointed that some would say how immature and weak a person is.  With those unkind words, they don't realize that they are not being helpful and there is the fact that they are not even on the right position to say those things. Can't we just support them or encourage them to fullfill their dreams? Or atleast be happy for them. If we can't do that, the very least that we can do is to leave them alone and let them mind their own business.

The ever peaceful wallowing sea
It sings a broken song to me
The waves they carry me ashore
I am at peace
I drift no more

For just that fleeting bit of time
My mind was still
The truth seemed mine
All the knowledge and held beliefs
Were soon forgotten
A fast relief.

Watch it return
As the world denied
Our search for God
In our bloodshot eyes

The horizon seems so close to us
A call to fullfill our every lust
As soon as our blurred vision breaks
We are crashing through those pearly gates

The winds are forceful, blowing hard
They shout the name of confused hearts
Its echo burns the reddish sands
I know this song
I stride this land.

Watch it return
As the world denied
Our search for God
In our bloodshot eyes.

Fake house I've invented
To elongate my lift
To play the advisor
And pick up lines
To fullfill satisfaction
For you to hear
The tunes I've lined up
Carefully hand picked
Normalized to hear you to bits
Withstanding the insensitive mob
On the common highway
Just to hear giggles
And shiny sun rays
To the invitation
I won't commit
And I make a long turn
So just you won't hint
That the fake house is ****
And my intentions are equipped
And the light punches
You bored on my shoulders
Stinged and milked my cows
To the point where I came up
With the so called fake house.

Looking at me is hallow within
Every word i speak is like butter in your ears
I speak of warmth and everlasting honey
But yet you do not fullfill the energy i give to you
So this i say unto you
That you you need to be yet true

"You are mine" he said
"No I'm mine" she said relentlessly
It wasn't to tell him
She was her own person
It was to tell him
To stop controlling her

For if the love is true
Do we not want to have and hold
Our partner, soul, mind, body
But perhaps the problem
Was in the eternal checklist
The "how do I keep her" list

What jobs do I have to fullfill
To keep her with me
How do I give her what she needs
Without having to give up myself
And I guess that's ok
Be our own person

All of us need to have a sense of who we are
But what when who we are
Is not what our partner wants
Her body comes home to me
And stays loyal
She's his, his status
The girl everyone wanted

Just enough effort in bed
Just enough effort around the house
Just enough kisses and hugs
Just enough meaningfull conversations

He will never get lost in her
He will never ask her to speak her mind
He will never tell her to be who she is
The money is spent on various things
Given from the heart
Or was it ego?

She is satisfyed
With all the trouble
Cause she know,
She has the power
Of wiping them all.
By imagining her
Wonderland,
Decorating her happiness,
Which belongs
Only to her
With love, dreams
And nature.
Yeah,not a fairytale
Not a luxurious story.
Just a brush to
fullfill her life canvas,
With fantasy.

only a hand full of human souls is strong or insane enough, to find the courage thats needed to live for theyr biggest Dream. For this one burning Idea that dosent wanted to left theyr mind for Just a day , since its has been born in These one Moment theyr needs and visions had been unbound and unobserved. Grown to
personal destiny, bound to one endless, sizeless and boarderless passion. even if there can't be more luckyness to feel, as in these moments where those lifelong tracking dreams are bound in touchable , visible, real expieriencable shapes..
...there can't be more pain as in times they seem to be unrealizable or impossible to realize in the way they should.
nothing can cause more vitality ,more love into the life , as to found out how imagination can be formed into sounds, pictures, things..or even full worlds.
and nothing will ever cause more hate for the world around ,the own person and these insane visions , as any step backwards ,anything that (seem?) to separate, stop or just slow down these unique souls while theyre hunting theyr predetermited ever know destiny.
sometimes it feels like draining in your passion - bound that hard to the way to fullfill your visions, that you loose everything around..and with these world around the base and material to realize them.
nothing will ever hurt more as the fear to lost your dreams by getting lost in them ,just while fighting to realize them.
so why are there those driven, hunted, insane souls who choose to live in passion and get thorn between despair and despairing hopes?
cause all these impossible seeming visions are carrying this small seed to become true.. and as long these chance for reality exists, it will endless stoke the fire that burns inside -
it will form new wings out of broken leftovers of the previous ,
dosent matter how much times the old ones got crushed to dust...
and nothing will ever balance out the feeling to fly within the own inner universe while any smallest part of it is coming true..

and no thing exists, that will ever ne able to cause more energy and trust in the fate ahead..

...as to reach the sky.

Smoke
Drink
Smoke
Drink
trying to fullfill this hole deep in my soul
this whole where things were sane
And where the the world was going right
But ..
thats the same old story that's already been told countless times
So I just..
Smoke
Drink
Smoke
Trying to fill this hole deep in my soul
Where things where sane and just right
Coughing
And hollering
Where people just stop and look
Thinking of the obscurities, while I just smoke.
Drink  ..
Smoke ...
But in the
That becomes the same old story

I miss the sun beaming down on my innocent smile, These drugs will never be able to fullfill me, like the sun did when I was an innocent child.

I have this uncertainty,
when it comes to you and me;
Simply because of the things
I truly believe in regarding my King;
My God, my Elohim.
Its not an easy road to seek his will,
takes alot of work to fully fullfill.
Love is confusing but it take a common understanding,
knowing where your standing;
Regarding the future
and what is needed to make it run smoother;
Because life is hard enough and the pain Ive been through,
has made me toughen up.
So deciphering between your heart and you brain,
takes practice to keep yourself sain.
Hard decisions never feeling completely right,
but making that decision that brings your peace, now thats alright.

The end is near so they speak. The end is truly near for this year. Everyday we rushed into things. We take a time of one duty to fullfill another . We feel the day is long if we did allot of things but its the opposite. We rushed into things thats isnt its due time we think about the future but barely grasping what is in the present. Living our daily lives like an upgraded robot. Doing things in a rushed manner. We forgot to cherished the present the work we are doing because we are looking into the future the product of our work. How many minutes, hours and days we lost because we are to eager to see the future when the present matters most.

I don't know
what is going to happen to me.
And i don't know what i'll feel fully
when it does
Buty what i do know is that im waiting,
and im ready.
The pain maybe tough
the heart break may crush more
than any force within me,
But i will stay strong til i drop.
It maybe sooner than i think these events.
It maybe later than what i think
but many things come unexpected but one thing i do know
is that i'm excited to go home
my vessel will be connected to earth for what is there it was created
my wants here may not fullfill but im okay with that.
For i accept my fate.

                  I will not fall.