Thinking about pizza as I'm here
it's warm with the ovens going
the order has been placed
i sit and wait
and wait
and wait
no time erased, only 1 minute elapsed
I feel like I'm swimming laps
in a tomato sauce pool
with black olives for floaties
the sauce is well past my knees
so hungry
and desperate
just to get a slice
of this great American pizza pie
it makes my heart swell
my eyes not dry
i'm gonna get eat pizza until i die

and if there comes a day
when they say no more pizza no way
your stomach can't handle it
your intestines will flare
i'll say i don't care
pull the trigger in my underwear
crime scene investigates
saw it on the news
a man covered in pizza
and bottles of *****
they couldn't get in the door was unlocked
a wall full of pizza boxes had the entry fully blocked
but deeper inside was a man no one knew
cheese oozing under the doorway cracks like glue

i'm still here waiting for pizza
no more imaginary trap
i look at my watch
the tenth minute elapsed
the lifeguard gets out
he's done with his swim
his whistle blows
everybody back in
the pizza is ready
time to dive in

Waves taller than I was
cool atlantic ocean
grainy sand between my fingers
burying my toes.

Hot sunburns and salty hair
the beach bars where we used to eat off the kids meal
going back to your condo
sitting on your couch.

Thrown over his shoulders
covered in sand, the warm weight used to be fun but now it just scares me
you scare me.
My shoulders were kissed
sunscreen on my back
the lukewarm pools and marco polo races holding my breath until i thought my lungs would explode.

The water would rush back with the pull of the ocean our sundresses damp around our ankles, bruises over our mouths where you held them shut
The porch light was on to the condo my towel draped over your balcony, bathing suit bottoms in your bedroom.

Forgotten toys and to pairs of arm floaties because i was never good at swimming, you left your watch on the shoreline.
Crying because of the pain and the hatred and love
Never knowing if I would be cuddled or touched
but knowing i would be cuddled after being touched
those sunburnt spots caressed by you.
White caps peak as the sun rises, we’re cold with fevers and abuse, shaking as our feet are wet again with salty water and your watch pulled out to the sea, lost forever.

Don't be scared to sneeze in MATH105
Blow these numbers off the page, so I can finally have an excuse to
Blow off some time with you

I want to memorize what that sneeze sounds like, unique to the individual
Each sound varies upon sneezers voice,
allergies, voice box, larynx, even personality
If that's all true, I bet even you, sneeze as **** as a *******!

The only thing that I want more wet and slimey than the inside of your elbow,
Is the way we make love
"Oh baby, that's it!
Sneeze for me! Sneeze harder!
Sneezed like you've never sneezed
for a man before and then sneeze
harder!"

Don't EVER hold a sneeze back!
You're not only killing brain cells
But killing me as well!
I want to see what kind of tornados
you can throw when a dust storm
gets at you
What demons are you hiding,
not letting Christ expel

Don't be ashamed!
Are you scared that just you're sneeze
Will create tsunami waves of attention
If so! I'm buying a front row ticket wearing
nothing but arm floaties and a rain coat

If you get sick, kiss me with your breathe
And well get over this cold- feet together

I want to know your sneeze so when we
Are cooking dinner, you can be half way through inhale
And I'll have a tissue and the words
"Bless you"
Already trotting outta my mouth

I want to be the blessed one
To be within hearing distance
Be able to bless you back  
See you come outta your shell for .237 seconds
There to catch the science of your anatomy jumping off the cliff of your nose

I want to be in the bookstore,
Reading super hero graphic novels
And hear you in your boredom two floors up at Starbucks, sneeze,
And be able to say
"YES! THATS MY MAN!!"
You hear that one Peter Parker?
Try to dodge your spidey-sense around that one!
That's a sneeze that'd make the phone booth go inside Clark Kent!

We'll have two kids, named
Gesundheit and Salud
The cat's name will be Ah-Choo
Unless you're allergic to cats
Then scratch the kids, we'll have
A cat zoo! So I can hear the symphony
Of your nostrils on the daily

If you think this poem is gross
Wait tell you see the way I sneeze
When I'm thinking of you

Your apology meant nothing to me.
Your apology was not meant for me,
Your apology was meant for you.

Your apology was pathetic.
You only did it to save your mind from eating itself in the middle of the night.
Constantly chomping at the thought of our last conversation.
The one where you called me selfish because my feelings were hurt.
The one where you said we would never work because our trauma doesn't match.
The one where you said I couldn't possibly fathom being in the same house as my ******.
The one where you told me our relationship was a pool and you couldn't understand how I was able to dive in.
The one where you told me you never wanted a relationship.
The one where you threw me away like a rotten banana peel.

Like a banana,
I opened myself up to you.
Peeling my layers one by one.
I started to get bruises from all the nasty words you said to me,
you said to my friends, and
you said to my family.
But I was still good.
I was still a sweet, ripe banana.
You always knew how to make me feel ashamed for being a bruised banana.

You were right,
we will never work.
Your reasons were wrong.
We will never work because I was never what you wanted.
We will never work because you could not open yourself up to me.
There were things you kept from me that I never would have kept from you.
Our trauma doesn't match because I'm working through mine and you're still on the first step,
afraid of what the next step has in store for you.
I have learned how to handle my trauma while you still let it eat away at you.
You let your trauma control your life.
I won't let my trauma control mine anymore.

Our relationship was like a pool,
I was ready to dive head first into the deep end
while you stare at me from the steps,
unaware of how to swim.
Our trauma was like a pool.
I jumped head first into the deep end,
tackling my trauma head on.
Ready to face my fears,
confront my ******,
my abuser, and
my family.
You stood on the steps,
getting your toes wet.
With multiple swim floaties
and a group of people encouraging you to jump in.
You were afraid of what you'll find at the bottom.
Even with floaties and people cheering you on,
nothing will ever be enough.

We will never work because I cannot be the counselor you seek.

daffodils sprinkle their magic
fairy dust along tufts of whispering bluegrass.
her laugh skips across the rocky driveway,
as she watches her best friend balance on a skateboard.
panting spotted dogs lap cool water from their
brightly colored bowls as they lounge on the wrap-around porch.
next-door-neighbors splash into their pools, the scent of
grilled hotdogs and charred hamburgers wafting across the
aquamarine sky. children with floaties splash at their
parents, tiny mouths bursting into sun-soaked smiles.
sunscreen-toting mothers drag beach towels embroidered with
superheroes and princesses to dry off their young ones.
warm-bodied babies cry on bouncing knees as storm clouds
gather across the stainless steel skies. little girls squeal and
parents scoop their plates filled with food into the house, as
lightning sings in the afternoon.

I was sitting on the side walk when all of a sudden, inspiration hit me like a ton of bricks.
now the pen in my right hand has the power to bring life to the words unspoken by Mother Earths two lips.

And her words send my mind through a voyage in the sea but it seems that I forgot my floaties. But that's okay, because this sea is made up of 10% hope and 40% mercy. The other 50% is not meant for mortal eyes to see. Because even if you saw you wouldn't believe. That what you put in is what you receive.

My intentions aren't meant to deceive, no.  They are to set your mind at ease. So Please! DON"T TEASE YOUR GIFT! LET IT RISE AND SPREAD ITS WINGS! LET IT SURFACE TASTE AIR AND BREATHE!

Because I'm breathing in toxic fumes. I'm taking in your aroma like a cosmic perfume. Don't be quick to judge, because I'm never what they assume. I drown out my insecurities not giving them any room to surface. I am overly aware, I see things that you don't notice, and know this. I hear words spoke through mute lips. They fill my ears like q-tips and the say things like "NO, please! Don't do this!" "There's gotta be another way!" "Ever since you started messing with that ****, you ain't ever been the same!"

They look at me like I'm insane. When in reality I'm more in-tuned with my brain because I know my life is short so I will never take it in vain. And through my veins flows blood in the form of memories. Like crimson tides in a blood red sea. But as I said before, I forgot my floaties..

Sink or Swim?

Tilt and tumble down the slide.
Why not go two at a time?
Link your tubes! Enjoy the ride!
Run and jump into the pool.
Dive head first! You're so cool.
Safety is a stupid rule,
So why must you abide?

Say you don't know how to swim?
That's all right, jump on in!
That's the best way to begin.
Floaties are the best solution--
Swimming's equal substitution.
But hey, you drowning helps our evolution!
Too bad I'm your guardian.

When I first met him, I warned him,
"I'm kind of a depressed mess. So if I don't accept your love right away, I'm sorry because right now I'm trying to figure out how to love myself before I can figure out how to love anyone else."
He looked at me, big brown eyes and all, and said, "Maybe I can help you."
In that moment, something inside of me changed
Ever since that day we started talking and talking and talking
The days I knew him turned in to weeks and the weeks then turned into months and soon years
But somewhere along this mess of love and trust,
It turned into tragedy and betrayal.
Basically what I'm saying is this ******* cheated on me. It's funny because all this time
I thought he was going to be the one to throw floaties at me while I was slowly sinking into this sea of sadness, It turns out he was the one tying anchors to my wrists causing me to sink more while slowly whispering to me empty promises.
Instead of preventing my scars he was the one causing them.
Instead of keeping me warm he's the one taking away my blanket
It ***** because all of the soft touches we shared and all of the secretive whispers we would tell each other within the late hours, he would share with someone else.
He would softly touch someone else
Love someone else.
All this time I saw him as sweet and caring
I found out it was just a facade he would put up around me.
On the outside he was beautiful on the inside he was rotting.
He was fake.  It was all fake.  
Now here I am crying with my head between my knees because I wanted so badly for him to be the one.
I want so badly for him to be the one, but he's not.
He never will be.
Maybe I'm the reason he decided to share our love with another or maybe I never had his love in the first place

-b.c.

early morning i arrive at school as a walking entity of drowsiness and my friends notice how massive my eyebags have gotten
but none of them look deep in my eyes to see if they're withholding some dark secret that my awkward body language can’t clearly tell
so they tell yesterday’s jokes and although we both know it’s getting a little too repetitive, we still laugh because it’s like a broken record of our favourite song on repeat on repeat on repeat on repeat
they think it’s working they think their nasty jokes can relieve me of the weight of countless, sleepless nights and i can’t blame them for not talking instead of joking around because i am my own record player and they can’t fix me because they don’t know me well enough to understand what’s wrong with the controls
friday night veronica and i get high in her backyard for the first time and her parents are upstairs but i’m not worried because i taught myself how to swim without floaties
so i jump in her pool and it feels like plunging deep into the pacific ocean and i let myself sink sink sink because over 70% of the ocean is unexplored and i want to be the first woman to know what life is like without people constantly asking you if you’re okay
i hear the faint echo of my name and in my hazy state of mind i think i’ve found a mermaid so i follow the voice and it leads back to the surface
but it’s just veronica and she hoists me up and i collapse on the ground and everything’s so silent, eerily silent that increasingly loud are you okay interrogations almost sound audible or was i just tuning out the sound of my best friend, my confidante i don’t know
veronica tells me to go home and i tell her no why should i and she says gently “babe, you’re out of control, if you want to stay here, please tell me what’s wrong”
my broken record stops playing before i could form the lyrics in my mouth a mellow symphony of nothing nothing nothing nothing and i could feel her glare finally piercing through my lost lifeless eyes trying to understand why they still seem tired under bright or lights or maybe she was trying to understand why my normal has never looked this bad until tonight
you people have always been illuminated by the brightest of colors that they blinded you from the dark you assume all is well because on some days you see me take a walk in the park when i’m just stumbling over panting from attempting to escape my relentless screams
the song’s about to come to an end but even in the beginning no one noticed that i never danced

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

I have a confession to make if you please
About some of the poems that I happen to read
I've never been much at swiming the literary sea
And the water for me can be a bit deep

All I am is a simple guy
That's learned over the years to simply rhyme
That's what I do time after time
That's how it is line after line

I might come up with some crazy ideas
But after all has been done and all has been said
What you have sitting here is all that is left
Just rhyming thoughts that pop in and out of my haed

There it is, my confession that I make to you
As I dip my toes into this poetic pool
Wearing my rythmic floaties just in case I do
Fall flat on my face like a poetic fool

The waves are much calmer now. I can walk in the sand without stepping on *****. Remember Daddy, when I stepped on the crab? The water is calm but people are drowning. I got rid of the floaties to try on my own. Daddy, are you going to save me? The deeper I go, the darker it gets. It's hard to see what's around me. How can something so beautiful be internally grim? I'm afraid of what lurks in this cold darkness. The waves are much calmer now. Still to this day I can walk in the sand without stepping on *****. Daddy, you remember, don't you? The water is calm but, Daddy, I'm drowning. I got rid of everyone so I could try on my own. Will you save me? The deeper they go, the darker it gets. I can't understand anything around me. How can my mind be filled with so much tragedy? I'm afraid of what I can do. Daddy, the waves are much calmer now. They are much calmer than they were before. Daddy, I will never, ever step on a crab again.

i think my pillows
sigh with relief
when i finally get off them
for the day

i think my pillows
(neck-deep in tears)
ask my blankets
for inflatable floaties

i wonder if while i’m gone
my pillows talk
to my books and posters
about how tired and frail
my body has become

because on the day you left
i think my broken heart
took the key to my happiness
and threw it in the open ocean
for only the fish to find

i sure as hell
can’t find it these days

I am not like the ocean in that I've got waves flowing down my back or the warmth of the sand in my hands or the voice of a hundred seagulls harmonizing in sync when they land.
I am not like the ocean in that I can wrap myself around you, engulf you, show you a world you've never dreamed of, full of life and mystery and depth.

I am the lost limbs and home-wrecking tsunamis.
I am the high tide that tickles toddler's toes and pulls them in with each giggle when their moms glance away for a tiny second.
I am unknown and anonymous and dangerous to explore,
not miraculous.
I sting, strangle, bite, drown, and rip with no remorse.
I am like the darkest parts of the ocean, full of creatures with teeth you've never seen and an intense lust, hunger, and greed.
Full of lost skeletons and deflated floaties and engines from submarines.
I am like the ocean in that once you're in too deep,
once you're too far out at sea,
if you don't have the breath or the energy
to somehow find your way back to the beach,
I am ruthless and I will pull you under and then it will be too late,
you know?
And you'll be just another abandoned snorkel on the jagged rocks below.

And as much as I want to be the exhilarating parts of the sea for you,
all I can offer is the salt in me.

Squawks of terror from
mother and child,
a scene never making Hitchcock's
final cut. Competing gulls flap,
swoop,
kamikazi dive bomb
for fallen fried clams. Boardwalkers smeared
in cocktail sauce and blue cotton candy
sweet and sticky. Shrills sounding,
"kitta-wa-aaakee, kitta-wa-aaakee"
as wings slap in spun sugary goo.
She is tarred and feathered.
Gull down! Gull down!
Weekend warriors in Atlantic City
never saw it coming.

The sea wind whips westward
and ocean regurgitates all matter
of gunk. Tampons, syringes, punctured
floaties in shapes of ducks and dragons,
it is ever there
in the gleaming reflection of casinos,
for homeless veterans
to scavenge upon.

Even wounded gulls eat better.

If my river of thoughts had a sound
You would hear the current pulling me,
Ripping me down
To the bottom of the low I've built myself
Under waves where I cant breathe.
And no one hears the screams for help
Because every gasp for air i take
I start to enjoy my lungs filling with water
Because I know it will soon be quiet.

I’d like more
than one death knell,
I’d like a
personal
bottle of lightning,
that I’ve caught for
my very own.

I’d give up that
little **** of a
rat-terrier if
it could,
somehow,
transmogrify
into a wolf
or
a panther.

I’d like
a jet-black
Camero,
with tires
made of fire
and seats made
of smoke.

I think that
a little toxic-waste
is good for you.

(keeps ya sharp, yeah?)

I think
that a man,
a woman,
hell,
any human
worth a ****
ought to be able
to ride into battle
on a goat, a *******,
or a *******
llama

and

know in their
hearts that they are the master
of their own destiny.

It’s a rough sea,
it always will be.

That’s life.

Be sad,
mad,
a little depressed,

but,

stay here,
because there’s
kielbasa sandwiches
with mustard and
onions.

There are people
that love you,
there are books,
songs,
flicker shows
to see.

The sharks bite,
the octopi might
squeeze,
the rays might sting.

None of it means
anything,
if you don’t…


Take off the floaties
and swim.

*
-JBClaywell
© P&Z Publications 2019

I just got home in the past half hour
From a great weekend at the lake,
I can’t remember how I got home,
I think I’m about to flake.
The driveway’s empty, I lost the car,
The house, as quiet as a tomb,
And where the wife and the kiddies are?
Must be in another room.

The air round here had been highly charged
For weeks, till we got away,
So I suggested a trip from home
If only just for a day.
I thought we could sort our problems out
Just for our marriage’s sake,
I thought that we might find love again
Together, up at the lake.

The kids took buckets and floaties too,
They said that it would be fun,
And Jen took some of her own home brew,
She’s legless, after just one.
We packed them all in the four wheel drive
And headed up for the shack,
It’s on a reach that they call the beach,
It took an hour to unpack.

But Jen got drunk, as she always does
And spoiled the night of the first,
Her mood was black, while on the attack,
I said our marriage was cursed.
I saw no love in her eyes that night,
And even her smile was forced,
So stone cold sober the second day
She said, ‘I want a divorce.’

I thought that she might get over it,
I said, ‘We’re here to have fun.
Let’s call a truce for the kids at least,
Be happy, for everyone.’
She said she would, but she wouldn’t talk,
Just glowered, down at the beach,
While I and the kids would take a walk,
Have fun in the sun, at least.

Now in the drive, I can see a car,
A man has come to the door,
He says, ‘We pulled out your four wheel drive,
What did you do it for?’
I look bemused as he says to me,
‘Your children, for heaven’s sake!’
My heart stops for an infinity,
‘You drowned them all in the lake.’

David Lewis Paget

Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com  
https://hellopoetry.com/lawrence-hall/
poeticdrivel.blogspot.com

                                    Warriors and a Warrior-Princess

Jason and his Argonauts fitted out a ship
And sought and fought for the Golden Fleece

Beowulf and his warriors fitted out a ship
And sought and fought for the glory of the Geats

Odysseus and his warriors fitted out a ship
And sought and fought for the glory of Greece

Aeneas and his warriors fitted out a ship
And sought and fought for the glory of Rome

My daughter and I fitted out some floaties
And conquered the backyard swimming pool

Unidentified Flying Obfuscations

Our Texas government plans to censor our books
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)
Our newspapers are falling like autumn leaves
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)

Our border is guarded by barbed wire and floaties
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)
Our TV channels tell us what to think
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)

Our senators are beyond their sell-by dates
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)
Our representatives are puerile *****-mouths
                    (But look at the bright shiny UFOs)

Our children are shot dead in our schools and streets
                    (But Congress holds hearings on UFOs)

droplets of chlorinated water
dripping from my pigtails.
A four year old,
standing at the edge of the abyss-

goose bumps prickle
and I tremble both
with freeze and fear
as my mother commands me

Take off your floaties.
Jump In.

screaming- tears streaming
down my face

my mother twists off my water wings
and I am launched, a flash of bubbles
into the depths of the pool.

sink or swim.
s i n k
o r
s w
       i m
s
i
  n                                  m
    k         or      s         i
                             w

opening my eyes to the chlorinated water
and kicking like they taught me at the ymca
i shed my fear and rise to the surface,
gulping oxygen,
smiling wide-my mom cheering
reaffirming that
i had accomplished something

that is the moment
I learned to be

resilient

I think I resent my parents.

I dont want to say hate, it’s too strong of a word. But I dont think I can comfortably say I like who they are as people. I thought that with all the conversations I had with my mum I healed and I grew out of this. I grew up and I wasn’t the child that wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the child that wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t the child who wasn’t pretty enough. I thought  I grew up and achieved all of that. But from the shore, it doesn’t seem so anymore.

I think I grew up and I hid myself. I grew up and I wasn’t obligated to tell them anything anymore. I wasn’t obligated to listen and I wasn’t obligated to perform to their opinion. I think in the meantime that worked great. But looking from where I stand now, I think my parents hurt me in so many ways I didn’t even realise I was carrying with me today.

The way my parents raised me, and as they proudly claim, an 'independent' and 'critical' person. Looking on it now, I think my parents abandoned me. Their idea of creating an independent thinker was throwing me into the deep end and waiting for me to learn to swim. I suppose I did learn to swim, but I think after a while I learned to float and when you float there’s this perfect level when you’re facing the sky but your ears are underwater and you can’t hear any more. After a while of floating I realised I was tall enough to get out of the water, but not old enough to leave. So I sat there and I watched other waters, I watched my siblings learn to swim and just sat by the edge.  

I think watching how everyone else learns to swim and comparing it against the way I learned nestled something in me. I was jealous for a while, seeing how everyone else enjoyed swimming but to me it was conserving enough energy to stay afloat. But when I looked back into my own waters, and saw my parents jumping into the pool with siblings, giving them floaties and letting them hold the railing instead, that’s when the anger started to build.

And when anger comes it doesn’t leave as easily. For me, anger raised my ears out of the water and what I thought was my lack of ability to feel, to experience love, happiness, sadness and grief turned out to be my own coping mechanism of surviving the open waters my parents threw me into, instead of the chlorinated and temperature controlled waters my younger siblings got. As I was floating, it wasn’t just my hearing that I had given up, I gave up my ability to feel and replaced it with an intellectualised from of surface level emotion.

And now sitting on the shore, with my feet facing my sea and looking back at the pool my parents now prefer, I realise I am alone. And so now when they call me over to sit amongst them, to drink some tea or share their sunscreen I realise they will never know how the hurt and the damage they put into me, as independency and critical thinking.

It’s not that I’m just different and feel emotions differently. It’s not that I grew up faster than I should. Its not that i dont think i can ever learn to trust. It’s not that I didn’t have lovely sunny days on the beach my parents gave me. The hurt I carry with me is in the waves that toppled me before I could see them coming. Its the rip tides that caught me as I tried to rejoin my parents on that shore. The hurt I carry is in the waves that I tried to use to push myself back to their shores, only to reach their backs, or their calls to keep trying, and go for more!

As I watched their backs, I think that’s when I started to learn the dynamic of the people I call my family. My father only learned to be a father, as he learnt from his failure with me. And my mother? She learnt how to be herself with me, and a mother after I didn’t need one.

Raising their first child, my father took to the only authoritative figure he knew, a teacher. And so as he raised his first child, he taught her how to grow up  in the most step by step logical method he could break it down into. And as my mother raised her first child, she did so on the puppet strings of my father. And so together, as they equipped me with all the skills I would ever need to successfully pass each stage, my parents did not yet reach the understanding that a child is different to student. A child needs love, and comfort and reassurance. A child needs a place of refuge and trust she can turn to so that if swimming becomes difficult there is always a shore she is welcome to.  What my parents raised was a student, they raised me without a shore and so I became the independent and critical graduate they always envisioned.

When you think about it like that, it worked. Their parenting acheived the exact result they were after. But as the child, as I grow up I pray to never become who they were to me. I hope to be a mother who slips out the words “I love you” just accidentally instead of as a reasoning clause. I hope to be a mother who gives hugs just because and not in apology for who she was. I hope to be a mother who gets into the water and never let's go until I know for sure.

i don't need anyone, i just need everyone and then some -

you and your previous orange partner had issues
not us, i thought
we were gonna overcome everything. it was gonna be us. We were it.

you were my first.
if gave you my all & we wanted what's best for eachother, what could possibly stand in your way of walking down the aisle while i waited at the end, crying at the beauty of your white laced sight?

i was your soulmate
i thought you were mine
loving someone shouldn't have to feel this painful
or
tumultuous

fighting almost everyday, i begged you to accuse me less

i disliked the orange flavored candy you liked so much (i'm sorry),

i disliked the tangerine candle you gifted me when you got back (i'm so so sorry),

you resisted apologizing unless i had proved it was worthy enough to apologize for (i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry),

I loved you. I thought if i were ever to lose you, I would be grieving you.

I find myself instead reeling from all the hurt, everything I've been put through.

I felt like i was going crazy,
remembering all the little details, i found it terrifying apologizing for things i don't remember doing

You didn't have my best interests at heart.

What would happen if you put someone who always thinks of themselves regardless of how it affects others first?

You reach out for your person, your lifeboat admist the icy waters,
but they refuse your entry, unless you admit:

you were the one who had chosen to jump in. you weren't pushed.

I didn't want to set sail to the Atlantic
I wanted to be on land,
I wanted to be on land.

Solid, solid. abundance. No rations.

I wanted to feel safe, you wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be your deck. And despite everything, i could've loved you forever. unconditional.

I could've laughed off the dip in the waters, i could've worn floaties.

I gave you my whole heart.
now a bruised fruit, beating and squeezing in my ribcage, aching.
You were my little peach.
i was your dough.
i was kneaded too hard without regard for my sake
ended up crumbled.

i thought of your eyes today
how much i adored them.
everytime i look at you, i feel like i'm looking into the eyes of my best friend i had growing up.
my sweet lover and best friend in one.
your big dreamy eyes
beautiful dark and even darker browns with green outline
i fall in love with you over and over again
i'm protective

i then remembered when i joked about how eyeliner makes your eyes pop and that you looked quite intimidating, you didn't like that comment, i apologized.

i then remembered when you took my words and told our friends how i don't like your eyes, that i don't like how you looked in eyeliner at all, you said it in a way making me look like i don't care about you;

(What? Why?)

i then remembered how you prioritize your perspective under the guise of validating your feelings, despite me pleading with you that's not what i meant;

Intentions matter, context matters. Without it, we are all monsters.

"honey, your hurting is real, but it's not everything,
things aren't black and white, baby, sometimes it's not all the way right or wrong, it's probably gray.
wait that's not what i meant, please, you know me. stop villianizing me. i thought you understood me. You know me."

You knew me.

I'm not your enemy. i was supposed to be your first mate, and you, my captain.

i can't think of any reasons why you wouldn't throw me overboard.

Peeling an orange today
Flesh ripping, juice escaping
pulling it apart
it was a mess

i realized i was consumed with all the "did i actually say it like this?", "did this actually happen?", "did she mean to manipulate me?"

how can you act as if you weren't at all in the wrong for never changing the ways you have hurt me even after i've told you about them over and over for months?

how can you say you're telling your truth when it is selective and not the entirety
and expect me to not to tell mine?

how can you easily throw me away?

reconnected with your previous soulmate, helped me move and were planning sleepovers with me, promised to help fix things between us, have *** with me,

two days later,

gave me a "choice" you knew i couldn't make, not wait for said decision & already tell people we broke up?

and by then you've already made a post about how you're entering 'a new era'; the perquisites having broken my heart; where one of the pictures my moving boxes in the back of your car.

You will never see that you did anything wrong.

But at some point, if everything always smells like ****, i hope you'll have the courage to check your shoes.

What a mess.

I wanted us to be it. And i tried so hard to help you be more reliable and vulnerable.

But apparently i am another clementine