4/28/14
2:30 A.M.*
To my parents, who decided to conceive a child;
To my siblings, who have looked over me and lovingly teased me;
To the people I claim as my friends;
To the teachers who blindly taught the students, but were not aware of who they really are;
To my fellow peers:
This letter is for you.
I have thought long and hard about this serious decision and just recently I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to leave you all. I have fought this treacherous journey known as life for quite a long time and the excruciating pain I feel within myself is too much for me to handle and I cannot bear to live with it anymore. It has come to the point that when I am laying in bed, awake at some ungodly hour, I am in the fetal position clutching my chest in hopes to stop it. I cannot wander this earth when I feel as if my own self is crumbling. Now, please don't waste your time on me. Do not mourn over me because I am positive that I am not worth it. The tears that will form in your tear ducts and that will cascade down your face will just be a waste. Like me. I am but a simple person out of billions that lives in this small area of Michigan that is just a speck of the earth. I am as important as a leaf that falls off a tree in autumn. I mean basically nothing to this world and ten years from now I will be forgotten. My name just a faint whisper in the wind. A distant memory never to be spoken of. Swallowed down and smothered. In all honesty, I do not know what waits for me when I take my last breath, but I do pray that it is as good as society makes it out to be. I hope you know that I am not sorry for this decision. I will not apologize for the pain that I feel. I will not beg for forgiveness as I allow these pills to seep into my veins and take over my body, shutting it down slowly. I am not sorry, nor will I ever be. My death is not an apology, but a statement.
Mother. Father. I promise you this is not your fault. You were merely a couple who had a baby girl. I understand that when you both looked down at me for the first time ever and you saw my tiny hands desperately grip your pinkies, my eyes shut totally unaware of what was going on, you probably had high hopes for me and you developed a love for me. You both hoped the best for me and you both would've given me the world if it was possible. Please know that I am so grateful to be blessed to have you guys' as parents. I love you guys, and I always will.
School is merely an ocean, and the people that sail around the hallways are blood-thirsty predators that will do anything to keep them self afloat and to keep others sinking. It's a battlefield of wealth and body image. I was not prepared for the strong currents to swallow me up and push me down. I was just a bright-eyed, young girl hoping for the best. I did not expect cruel words to be ruthlessly thrown at my direction puncturing me and causing me to bleed out. I did not think that as the days went by that it would become harder and harder to laugh, to smile, to feel, to breath. Wasn't life meant to be a gift? Aren't we supposed to be happy that we were blessed with life?
I pray that you carefully read my words and take them in. I pray that you understand them and learn from them. I hope the words I have carefully chosen to be written down have made a huge impact, and as my life slowly fades away I hope my fellow peers can learn to stand up for others. I hope that they will take action, but as we all know that hope is merely just a dream that will most likely never happen. In this sick and twisted up society, an ego is more important than someone else's feelings, but is it really? Is popularity more of an importance than how someone feels? No, it isn't.
My time is almost officially up, so farewell forever. It is time for me to enter into an afterlife that I hope is as amazing as some people say it is. I hope when I shut my eyes and I breathe my last breath that I will feel an internal peace. I am welcoming death with open arms. Maybe my passing will change this world for the better, or maybe it will make it worse. I do not know, but I only wish for the best.
(b.c.)
An old suicide note I wrote. Please do not be concerned, I have no more urges to end my life. I am on my way to recovery.