"feedings" poems
Sweat takes over my skin peeling layers of invisible masks yearning for chemical feedings. It's been days- I've been thinking slow and fragile. Bedtime has no name and it hurts. There's caution in my eyes screaming " Stay Away"! Drowning in my own body of water. "Come Clean" he whispers.
Solace and silence. I want. ***** migraines to migrate forever. Shivers to shed as I travel back into time -not swallowing so much inside to feel OK with chemicals balancing brain beats. "Come Clean" he whispers. Flashback: I see the love of my life holding a ring on the day strange beauty died in his arms. Images creep of a little boy begging for my wake. Awake I stay.
Beginnings to a next day with no recollection. Trying to find expression in lost graphs and schedules that were once dictated by "the medicine". It made sense. Cycling back and forth through highs and lows trying to remember that God made all things. "Come clean".
In this moment I want to live only because in the next moment I'll be dead- again. I can hear the race of my heart and I want a beautiful design only because in the next moment I will come down and want nothing." Come clean".
In this moment I convince myself to skip my daily dose only because a PHD took away the nightly dose. "Come clean".
Relapse. In this moment I swallow untitled entries to close my mind from a few moments.
Dec 9, 2013
Dec 9, 2013 at 8:45 AM UTC
I Sleep ;
I Slip
In Doze, I Seep out into the Scenes ;
In Potions Deep
In Notions Cold and Preasuring
I Fit and Knit my Crown
I Coral
I Knot and Concrete a Frown
But though I Invite my Efforts
My Thoughting is Leaks and Tearing *
Over Whale but Underwater
I Recover Nothing Reassuring
Slowing to a Pale
In Ocean Cold
My Feedings are Slurring to a Drown
My Motions ; Enwombed and Collected
An Unfoetal, my Body Undertakes a Vulnerable Mould
Above
The Surface
The Ship Blinks, on Fire
And Gifts from the Broken Hold Sink to me
It's all a Wink Directed at me
A Humour
But I am become Prepared Still
For the Next Life
I Discard, Decending Still
A Treat Sunk Below
A Monsterous Breakfast
*note : as in, secreting saline, watery fluid
Aug 17, 2018
Aug 17, 2018 at 10:19 PM UTC
I wish I could walk through the door.
I want to be on the other side.
They tell me to get off the floor.
I want to pass through and hide,
pass through the door of death.
I can smell the scent of the different rooms.
I can’t wait to feel the betrayal of the fumes.
I wish this bottle would get me higher,
higher to that lowest point.
For this inverse plan of disaster,
I shall begin to master.
Oh sanctuary,
why would you come to me?
Thinking much to fast,
and writing blood songs of the past,
as I stare at the scars on my wrist,
I begin to wonder,
was there something I missed?
Perhaps it was a cold deep purple sky,
more detached than that haunting smile in your eye.
Maybe it was two diffractions of symmetry.
For when the memory is possessed,
by an unknown passion of the gods’ eyes,
we will suddenly see softer tides.
I lie beneath the neon lights of the crosses and other anti figures,
dressed in blank stares with no air.
With closed minds,
they replenish and indulge their feedings on our lost soul,
and for them, it never seems to take a toll.
You gave me the words that were never there.
Today is a strange day.
As I watch the wealthy play,
I also see the children pray.
Oh a strange day.
I could see your lonely face looking back at me,
in the rear window of your parent’s Buick.
Your tears staggered down the ***** windows.
Drifting away, parting ways,
my thoughts always bring me to the sad days,
lingering intricate as a drawn out tragedy play.
You are a memory,
so vivid and extract,
quite detailed and exact.
Why did you come to me?
May 22, 2013
May 22, 2013 at 5:48 PM UTC
how on earth
could steaming squash and Brussel sprouts
be as good as Doritos and a soft serve swirl…
sure, I desire to be a healthy old man
but my taste buds wish me dead at 45
they long for sweet wheat and extra large
portions of meat
indiscrete feedings at fried food buffets
all the while maintaining the look of a fella
only slightly over-weight
…..still, I feel poorly
headaches and joint pain
racing brain and an inability to refrain
from the foods that are doing this to me
I never thought after conquering
8 years of ****** addiction
and 15 years a tobacco ******
that candy bars would be my greatest foe
forget candy bars
let’s talk bread….
loaves of sourdough golden roasted
rye to die for
and cinnamon…rolls,
banana or zucchini
sprinkled on toast with a touch of sugar …
it is no wonder I am larger than need be
the BMI calculator says I am 84 pounds
from defeating obesity
so much for my professional lineman physique –
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 5:36 PM UTC
Laughing with my friends
Betraying my step-sister
She's wishing for this to end
While I become more sinister
Hitting her
Manipulating she
Claiming I'm her brother
While a female, I am he
Letting my sister pour out her feelings
Using it later to my advantage
Using her for my feedings
Putting her into a disadvantage
God, I love blackmail
Calling her a crybaby when she cries like a baby
Just because I hit her in the head
While she's crying on her bed
I try to reason with my parents, claiming I hit her “lightly”
Thinking I'm rightly
Easily getting myself out of situations
Easily throwing degradations
At my sister
Knowing it's best for her
Knowing it's the best for mere skin and bones
Manipulating situations to get out of sticky situations
Leaving the blame to my sister
Leaving my past more sinister
Knowing how to get past the situation after choking my sister
Getting away with choking her after multiple attempts to end her life
Threatening to stab her with a knife
Yelling at her
Shouting at her
Just to make her feel bad
Just to make her feel sad
Just so I can push myself higher up the mountain
While she falls in a tin
At the bottom of the mountain
Watching her as she fell
Letting her drown in the pits of hell
As I'm viewed as the angel of the family
Not once treating her like family
Ended up making her have anxiety
Not having a single ounce of pity
Ended up making her sleep deprived
Looking as if she could never survive
Making her have insomnia
Well, that's too bad! See ya!
Ended up making her have the “sad syndrome"
Honestly, that not my problem- "um
Who said that?”
Next day
I view my sister as the “most perfect angel
Such a perfect and beautiful angel”
As I say to make her think I still like her
Manipulating her still
Letting her know I'm a walking light switch
Letting her know I'm a manipulative *****
Making it seem as if I love her
But I'd much prefer my father
Letting her do what she wanted for tonight
She wanted to sleep with me tonight
Before she fell to sleep
Before I fell asleep
I gave her hickeys
She tried to push me off as I gave her hickeys
But she couldn't since she wasn't strong
I knew it was wrong
But continued to do it
As she screamed at it
Yet nobody came to save her
Leaving her
They then labeled her as “problematic"
They labeled her as "dramatic”
Knowing that I was "asleep”
But I so desperately wanted to to sleep
Doing this for years on end
Ganging up on her with my friends
Loved doing this but it's time for playtime to come to an end
Dec 13, 2024
Dec 13, 2024 at 11:26 PM UTC
hey be on the automobile , more ready than i am to bust this place up
and set goes to the flames tyrannous soaring tape real effects sunburst
seance in carbon manifest this back from the heavens and **** up
beyond my better half, be on my bed for half, the night beyond
better hash, better sheets, better open your feelings, better love
better **** better up and away,
bet all in or double down teasing
me play me open handed up and halve me open hand feelings and saying
feelings open feelings open everything you keeping inside feeling till you are
feelings open feedings on me from the inside all i told you i that i really really shouldn't have
want and want and wanton love for wanting more of want and love me for it
till i become a ghost, better feelings, beyond this feeling you have for me
become a ghost, till youre better feeling better beyond belief feeding me
information of your better halves and feel this heat on my arm, I've wanted
this for such a long time such a novice of getting whatever the **** i want
so why wake in doubt, run away in flame far out, faking nothing but the front
3 2 1 we came for the ruckus, put away your cleavage and give me all your moneys
and
Dec 22, 2013
Dec 22, 2013 at 3:40 PM UTC
aged 17 started aiming to be the man of his dreams
last year of high school finally he could do good deeds
and not worry about the embarrassing comments
aged 20 second year of uni and now he's boundless from freedom
he studies his Islamic history and engineering
a mind full of knowledge he's beaming
aged 23 graduating at last he dreamed for this moment for years
steps on the stage grabs his diploma
bold Thank You God for this moment
for happiness sake
aged 25 married to the most beautiful bride
promised her years and years of satisfaction
he was going to be a man who loved affection
goals were to raise a family with no negative distractions
loved this beautiful country
lots of liberty and safety
no denying it was near impossible to feel like a threat
there was no trouble
aged 30 had a daughter named her Zayna
beautiful young girl , he knew she had lots for the world
taught her how to read write and be free
a carefree child is all he wanted to see
Zayna grew with open minded views
viewed the beauty of not judging a man who seems as bad as the devil but inside could be like
the ying yang sign
aged 43 Zayna is now 13
witnessing her father loosing his dignity
after every racial comment that comes beneath his ears
he starts to fear
maybe soon he'll be a victim to this racist society all over his surrounding
beard so thick
wet because of his
tears
aged 45 ; 15 years have went by and never has Zayna seen this
her father screams and yells 'im innocent i have not been dealt with these accusations'
'free me please I'm not what you think you see'
Zayna hides behind the door begging God to do something about this horror
aged 46: a year in Guantanamo couldn't get worse than this
he went through beatings
force feedings
psychological torture
his heart is becoming softer
brain is hallucinating
tears are flooding his mind
body's shaking
weaker and weaker
becomes his state
first name is Ahmed
last is Bashir
his mind full of knowledge
his knees weak due to fear
first name is Zayna
last name Bashir
lonely teenager
wishing her father would be there
-gz
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 3:33 PM UTC
I feel so much it’s just like good movies
hard hurt romance and rescue
rage and ostracization
it's them it is witty they the horn spittled gitty devils!
they've pitted faults in my structure
to feel through
my dermis tup-tapped and stabbed at
quaking ***** little jokes at my impractical existence
i am made spongiform vulnerable pupation
frogspawn
mangy food at mercy ...
...and my pratty employment...
...but it's okay now
enamel
i'm desensitized to it all
distant to the proceedings
the quirky murky readings
then again sudden barks get through
jarring feedings
and i am rushed with expense ...
... for a while
mused chemistry
my worth feels peopled and oxygenated
my work cradles balanced appeal
creation is warm with budgings of whim
simple commerce with the ghosts of physical laws
and a birling alchemy
Mar 14, 2024
Mar 14, 2024 at 7:59 PM UTC
Waiting for an audience , practicing every move , critique every nuance , critical eye contact with animal counterparts . Your display of affection is most disheartening , the only reason for you presence ? So politically correct friends can feast their eyes upon a " shelter dog " . A rite of passage like your tie dyed t-shirt , sandals and voter registration ! Claim to be a PETA activist but your only a charade , a most dangerous psychopath walking from cage to cage ! Who stands before me ? You appear delusional as well ! In two days I'll be sentenced to the backyard , shackled to a tree ! Living off of rainwater and sporadic feedings ! Crying for release , tortured with fleas .. I have found the one ! Any guess on how I can tell ? You've the unmistakable look of loneliness coupled with the scent of depression .. An aroma within your gradient most vivid and easily detected ! The same odor within my cage , surrounding this wounded animal ! You and I will remain side by side , play off each others affections , render great joy to one another and form a bond that will last forever !
Oct 22, 2015
Oct 22, 2015 at 8:41 AM UTC
I want to hear your heartbeat
Wake up to your smile
Know that neither one of us is going anywhere
It's the dim lights of morning
That make me see how truly aspiring you are
How beautiful you are
I know what I want
I want the sweet sound of bacon
Sizzling on the stove
Coffee on the ***
Filling the whole house with good morning beautiful
Breakfast in bed on the days we both don't have to work
Dinner already ready
Late nights buffets of each others company
I know I want you in my bed
Every night just to cuddle
The sound of little feet
Pit-patting up the stairs
The not so sneaky laughter
Of our beautiful children
Ready to pounce on us
I know what I want
I'm ready for every possible scare
I'm prepared for the hours of labor
The screaming and superhuman strength
The cries of our newborn
The late night bottle feedings
The up and at em diaper changes
The racing around Walmart
Chasing after the little ****
The laughter we'll both share
When we realize we forgot the diaper bag
The oh **** feeling when I know I ****** up
Forgot to grab a gallon of milk
The U-turns I'll make just to make you happy
I know what I want
The masquerading of feelings
At least on the day I pop the question
I know I want this
The life of a father
The life as your love
Your best friend
Everything you want me to be
I know I want it
Especially just being yours
I want it all
Every waking minute of knowing I love you
Every sleeping second knowing your next to me
I might not be made of money
I might not be perfect
I may be half a man with these scars
But with you by my side
I know I'll be more than your man
I know what I want
I want you to call me your teddy bear
No awkward name like snugglewuggle
Call me insane when I write poems
Trying to capture how much I love you
I want those kisses when I get home
Throw the keys on the table
Grab you and hold you just for the hell of it
Pick you up and start dancing
Just so I can hear your laugh
I want to call you from work
Just to see how your day is going
Get you to laugh if its been bad
Make you smile bigger if been good
Show up at your work
To bring you lunch
Even if you already have one
Take you on dates even when we're together
I want to keep the passion between us alive
You know what
I know what I really honestly want
That's a lifetime with you
Feb 25, 2016
Feb 25, 2016 at 7:19 PM UTC
Vaguely I recall
Shiny little eyes
My precious baby girl
Feedings in the nights
Heart beat to heart
Now but a stain on all my art
Two small boy and a baby in toll
Three years of the single parent roll
The rest well, most of us know
The pain of losing everything
Even our own soul's
So many the years
I let the pain
Take the wheel
And steer
In my dreams
I still hold my baby dear
A tinny fragment
A tear drop of ink
Brokenness runs deep
In all my poetry
Until my demon sleep
A stumbling block in my serenity
This emptiness bleeding me
..............................................
Sep 28, 2019
Sep 28, 2019 at 1:17 PM UTC
It can be hard sometimes to see your friends
moving on in their lives in ways you wish you could
Some are getting engaged
some are getting married
some are having their first baby
some are already on their third baby
It's not that you are not happy for them because you are
you are ecstatic and you are probably the person they laugh at
for being extremely excited for the happiness in their lives
It's not that you are not satisfied in your life
you love where you are because you know this is where you need to be
but sometimes you can't help but look around and think
"when will my time come?
When will I meet the one who is going to choose to
spend the rest of his life with me?
When will I get to cry at the sight of a beautiful ring?
When will I have the opportunity to stand in front of my loved ones
and declare my love for one person?
When will I get to bring a child of my own into the world?
When will I get to wake up to little arms wanting a hug as they call me mommy?"
Sometimes I feel like the universe is punishing me
because at one point in my life I was so certain I didn't want to be married
I never wanted kids
I never wanted to take the risk of giving my heart away
and trusting someone to not break it
I never wanted to give up my sleeping in however late I want
for having to wake up early in the morning for feedings
and tantrums
I never wanted to sacrifice my body to carry a child
that I would have to be responsible for the rest of my life
I never thought I was good enough to be with someone forever
I always thought I was too messed up in the head to love and guide
another human being into being whoever their heart desired
I was so sure I wanted to live my life alone
without any distractions
Now I changed my mind
I am by myself and I hate not having anyone to come home to
I have all of this freedom and all I want to do is let it go
and be needed
be wanted and share this intense I swear to God it will **** me
love I have inside with someone who will bring out the very
best in me
I don't want to be married tomorrow
I don't want to be a mom tomorrow
but sometimes I feel like I am in competition with everyone
and I hate it
I wish I never wished for the things I did
I wish I wasn't so scared to put myself out there
and I wish I never spent so many years doubting the one thing
I know I would kick *** at
and that's being a mother
I have a long way to go as far as working on myself
and I am not unhappy with my life
I lack patience and sometimes the excitement of
all of the wonderful possibilities my future holds
that haven't happened yet cause me to become so impatient
that I convince myself that certain dreams won't ever come true
I don't want to rush things
I want to enjoy the journey of falling in love
and becoming a parent
Some may think I am crazy and a little bit unrealistic
but I believe in my heart that those things are out there for me
I can't explain the feeling
I just know in my deepest heart it will happen
and when it does I will be so grateful for everything working out
in it's own time
Jul 8, 2018
Jul 8, 2018 at 12:52 AM UTC