One simple word
Along with a digital smile
Has the power over me
To make me jump up and down
As if I’m still a preteen
Speaking excitedly to my first crush
But I’m older and have more experience
Still the idea of spending time with them
Brings my heart to full speed
And my inner innocence fills with joy
I feel so uncensored with them
There never really seems to be a need
Well I won’t say that I don’t need them
It doesn’t matter if my innocence or experience is speaking
I need them in some way
Weather to have clean fun
Or something more exciting

Movies into the late night
Two people
**** carpet underneath
Scary movies playing on the screen
Satus creates platonicy
Is that what belongs between?
Bodies move closer
Platonic still in nature
One curious of more
Is the other wondering as well?
Twenty-two days left in this month
Will change occur under this moon?
Twos of twos will live to see

All my demons play tag in my mind
Chasing each other and fighting for dominance
They pick up each of my thoughts
Tossing them aside every which way
My lungs constrict
Pushing every inch of air away
Locking my throat
Keeping my words stuck
The only spark of hope for the calm
Thirty seconds of one’s time
Burying my tear filled eyes in her hair
Wrapping myself in her strong embrace
Letting myself sacrum to my demons
Feel their hot breath down my neck
Alongside the heat from her body
Their nails claw at me
Leaving trails of sticky hot blood
All the while her hands keep me together
Through this I hope
To gain strength that has left me
In thirty seconds

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

How do I say this?
I mean I have worked hard
To be able to
I told myself I would tell
The next person to test me

But when it happened last night
My attempts were futile
I still couldn’t say it
Weakly I pushed him away
He wouldn’t stop though
His tongue was down my throat
He gripped my ***
I didn’t enjoy it
But I couldn’t bring myself
To tell him that

Others want us together
Maybe I should give it time
Let him do as he pleases
That’s what they want
They tell me he’s great in bed
Do I dare?

No.

I can’t let anything happen.

Again.

I need to fully consent
But I don’t think I could with him

He’s so strong though
If I don’t tell him
He will take my silence as consent.

Again.

How can I say it?

Do I want to?

Yes.

I do.

He isn’t who I want
But is who I’m supposed to
No one would bat an eye
If I said I was with him
Unlike with the other
For I know they would ask

He likes you?
I thought he wasn’t your type?
You gave it up, didn’t you?

Maybe I should give it up

But with who?

Do I consent to something
I’m supposed to like?

Or to what I want to try?

Do I allow something that is to come?

Or do I wait for what I want
That might not come?

Maybe I should become
That **** that they keep calling me.

I guess I’ll wait to see
If I consent.

Shroud in morning light,
My heart sinks,
As she lays in the arms of another,
Her beautiful laughter ringing out.

So sad it is not to cause her laughter,
Not to be the warm arms she craves,
Never again to wake up to sleepy kisses;
She loves another now.

Once upon a time,
We spoke of happily ever after.
Now all that's left is long looks
And stolen breaths.

Still, when her eyes find mine
I see the spark.
So cleverly hidden
All looks to be dark.

Smooth skin under my touch,
Eyelashes ever so soft flutter close,
Breath held not to escape the moment,
Ghosts of plush lips on mine haunt.

Hair placed behind ears
By ever shaking hands.
The closest they may get
To the one they crave the most.

Eyes so full of hidden hurt
All I want is to pull her close
Whisper my love for her
And hear her breath my name.

Protection from the nightmares
Is something I may not be able to give.
Though I will always be here
A safe haven for her defense.

Bodies made for each other,
Fit together like long lost halves of one forever heart.
Minds so different,
They always seem to complete each other.

Secrets whispered in the dark,
While breaths stir mused hair of the other.
The ability to trust thought to be forever lost,
Found in the love of a guarded heart.

He walks past me without a look,
Step by step he distances himself,
Origin or not
My love what is there.

I stand at attention.
Every fiber of my being full,
Condensation reappears,
Even though it's not here.

Dusk has fallen,
My vision gone red.
Fog clouds my mind
Till I cannot hold on any longer.

I lounge forward,
Grasp his shirt front.
Crash our mouths together
Like two men of war meeting on the front.

Shook washes over him,
Though the stone he's made of quickly melts.
My back soon clawed at
As we feel so alive behind closed doors.

Frowned upon,
But we don't care,
My heart flies
As we both say;

I love him.

How can one feel attacked in their own home?
Simply.
Looks of disgust
Stinging words
Whole worlds burn
In the fiery pits

Arms left hanging above my head
As a silent war wages
Words of torment ring
Through my head

Sitting here with others
While a silent torture is mine to endure
My body daring to continue
Mind falling to pieces

He who should save me
Is the cause of my torment
She who has saved me
Is my dearest wish

The wish I dare to dream
Forgiveness not a possibility
Fantasies turning into reality
Though my mind continues to dissect

Everything good
That comes my way
Falls to my hearts blade
In the form of attacks

Always there to make you smile
Unable to contain the nerdiness
Sober or otherwise
Terrific *******
Insecure for no reason
Never going to break promises

Beautiful things are never truly alive
They sit on a shelf waiting
Waiting for someone to choose them
They never choose themselves

The ones that choose are dead
Dead on the outside
But so full of life with in
The others just can't tell

Beautiful things are dead inside
They care for little
But show so much pride
They have so much to hide.

How has this occurred?
I have become such an oddity
Those who call themselves near to me
Are unable to comprehend

When things first started with us
They told me that I should leave
After we started to fight
They stopped listening to me

Now almost two years later
I finally have ended everything
That is all that they care to hear
That they won’t hear of you again

What they don’t understand
Is that you are still on my mind
We had a lot
Your were many things to me
Girlfriend
Best Friend

You were the one that I called
Everytime the world came crashing down
No one else seemed to care
Had no idea what to say

Now everything has ended
And I don’t know who to turn to
When memories of you
Make my vision blur
My head spin
My heart ache so painfully
That all I want to do
Is dial your number
With shaking fingers
Ones that have dialed you
Too many times

When you come to mind
I have no one to turn to
They all have hated you
For so long
No mothering arms
Or friends to embrace

All I have
Are more memories of you
Of how I ran to you
With tears in my eyes
As my heart got broken
To many times to count
By all of those who
Claim to love me
Families that tormented me
Death that threatened me
Be it mine
Or that of others
When nothing seemed right in the world
I ran to you

Now that you are gone
Where do I belong?
My safe haven
Is long lost

I refuse to cry now
You have told me so many times
That it’s good to cry
But you aren’t here to catch my tears
To make sure I don’t fall
Again

I’m lost without my center of gravity
No matter how much we fought
You were there when I needed you

When I was lost in the rain
Afraid of new beginnings
You were who I called
We hadn’t really talked in months
But you picked me up
Made sure I was okay

When no one cared
That he left me
You handed me shots
And said it was his loss

When my family became unbearable
You talked me down
It took hours
But you never spoke a word of hate

I think that’s what hurts me the most
You never did say anything wrong at the end
All you did
Was pull away
No communication you said
I had lost your trust
The one thing I never lost
Through all those fights

Now I’m left here
Full of pain
Depressed but oddly at peace
Until my mind drags up
The picture of your face
I want to yell and cry at nights sky
But I know you are looking
At that same moon as me
While still getting lost in the stars

You never sleep
And now whenever I do
I don’t want to wake again
But I don’t have you here to calm me
I feel so alone now
Even when we fought
I knew you would come
When I decided to take my final breath

I know with certainty now
That no matter how many times I may call
You won’t pick up
And I will be alone at the end

You left before you
Could find someone
To take your place
Now I’m left here
Alone again
Just like you found me
But there's a difference now
Then I had never had anyone
To hold me at my worst
Now I have
And I don’t know
If I can go on alone

Now when things threaten
You aren’t here to make it better
Your memories hurt more than help
I am more lost now
Than I was then

Honey I’m not sure I can make it this time
I feel so broken
Without you here with me
You will just have to see me
On the other side
Please tell everyone
I’m better now
That you knew me better than them all
And that this is what I wanted
What you don’t have to tell them is

That I died because of you

When others asked me
Who I thought to be my best friend
It was not the name of a sister I uttered
It was yours I would speak clearly
I was proud to call you my best friend
I felt such a connection
And I knew you felt it too
But somehow in the mix of life
We separated
Though not by my will
I did take that last step though
But all I had asked from you
Was a simple request
But you refused
And I snapped
Leaving us standing on opposite sides
Of the line in the sand

This doesn’t change
That my heart screams to be near you
What I would give anything to have you here
To speak with in excited tones
Of all that has occurred

I can hear your laugh as if you are here
Surrounding me as I tell you
Of what I have done
You would chuckle
Tell me that I have done good
Wrap me in your strong arms
Before you hand me
Whatever pison we chose for the night

I can see the looks of amusement
You would give me
As I told you of my adventures
While we sat cross legged on your bed
Your cat between us
Food you made before me
As you make sure that I eat something
Me failing to get you to eat more than a bite with me

But above all else
I miss you

I have been broken for days now
But my will to survive blinded me
I didn’t see the signs
Now it’s too late
Woke up from little sleep
To see I’ve been
Crying in my sleep again
It took too many days
For me to realize what
This weariness in my eyes was from
To notice that I wasn’t
Cold like I was telling myself
But scared
So I curled into myself each night
I didn’t just miss him
I had been reaching out
But he didn’t really respond
If he won’t talk to me
Who will?
She’s gone
Which is why I reached out to him
But now I’ve woken up to see
The wet marks left by my tears
To feel the damp trails
Still on my cheeks
Now I’m left wanting something
I am unable to have
Someone to hold me close
No one has been able to since she did
Except for him
But his silence kills me slowly

They say blue is beautiful
That green is intoxicating
But what is never said is
Brown
The addicting combination
Gold strikes from the center
Chasing the forest greens
Rustic chocolate staying calm
Black as spilled ink in the night
With flickering  lights
These lights show so much
Love radiates from them
Leading me through the dark
Dancing with laughter in firelight
Now I want to set them on fire
Like they have done to my soul
All of my being burns
Their lingering touches
Now ghosts
That chase me to midnight
Once I've pasted
My tears run after them
Streaming like all those movies we watched
Brown watching me
More than the screen
Out of the corner
Wrapping their extremities around me
Looking into my dull brown
To tell me I'm beautiful
Perfect
Now I burn alive at these words
All I see through the flames
Are the hollow shells
Of what use to be
My brown eyes

The sense of no solid ground beneath you
No compass to tell you where to go
All questions lead
To no answers
Blank stares
Into dead eyes
Lack-luster hair
Framing a giant face
Unable to catch your breath
Every once of modivation
Passion
Energy
Laying like lead in your veins
Sinking lower and lower
Clinging to you bones
Clawing as it sinks
Into your feet
Cementing you to the spot
But there is no ground to attach to
Only the black abyss
Swallowing you whole
As the chill sets in
You feel a far off heat
Radiating comfort
As if you were
Sitting beside a roaring fire
After staying in the cold too long
The sensation of another
Through all of the pain
Caused by chaos

On that dreaded day
You gave me chocolates
Handed me a box so plain
Thinking it wasn’t much
What you didn’t realize
Was that in
Eleven days time
It would change
A metamorphosis
Now the half eaten box
Sitting calmly on my desk
Is all of my hope
Slowly leaving
One piece at a time
Each morning
I take one piece
The wrappers now
Clutter my car
Perfectly preserved
In your old seat
Where you handed them to me
Where you told me you loved me
Where so many memories live
Now their only company
Is the shiny red wrappers
That once held my hope
The hope that was sweet
So sweet as it stuck in my throat
Just like all of those words I wrote
Addressed to you
Sitting next to that plain box
Now every sunrise
Tears bite at my eyes
While the words
Beautiful and perfect
Echo in your voice
As chocolate gets stuck in my throat

What am I to do?
The pen I held dear now strikes
Like a cobra in the brush
Words burn to be released
But something holds them down
You encouraged me so
And now I am wrecked beyond help
I will perish

Will you cry?
Once I am gone
Will tears fall from those emerald pools
Would those beautiful memories resurface
I should say I wish this upon you
But how could I ever utter such a thing
You belong in such a sacred part of my heart
I could never truly hurt you
Though my moments of weakness ruined us

Would you come back?
If I lay down my pen and weapons
Change all I can
Let loose logic
To wreck havoc
On those wretched emotions

Could you give me one last chance?
My last chance at happily ever after
To feel those strong arms around me
Soft but sturdy hands on my hips
Silky smooth lips on mine once more
To see those shining emeralds gleamer
With something other than tears

Please come back

My sanity flies out the open window
My courage spills out of me
To dissipate under the seats
Music my true hope
Bus' full of people who care
No one cares where you're from
No one cares of your past
All that matters is that you're there
Wake up before the dawn
Crowd on to the yellow sardine can
Find that one you want to sleep on
More hours than you care to count
Crushed spaces
With old crushes
Realizations of truths
You love them all and they love you
Hard work in the sun's heat
First time of many
You mess up completely
Even though
Applause surrounds you
And all of you feel invincible
Drama can't **** the happiness
You walk away
Find others to accept you
Three is better than one
More work but it's fun
Now watching you see things
Things that amaze
You learn so much
The heat goes out
Now you are freezing
There is a smile frozen on your face though
Smushed between great people
Watching through new eyes
You're nervous now
Going up with the other two
You stand tall and prepare
How unprepared you were
So much acceleration runs through you
Shoulder to shoulder
You place
You knew this
He accepts and you salute
Later you are ambushed
You feel such a sense of belonging
You all swarm out
Back to the buses you go
Changing in front of them all
You don't care
Neither do they
You once again find the one to sleep on

Gliding through life,
Like Seagulls in the mist.
Riding that high
As social misfits.

With a considerate twitch
For which we have nothing
Silence remains
As do our pens.

We write of our fights,
Though few believe.
Until all is gone
And we forever leave.

Crying and caring,
Bleeding and breathing,
All blend into
Ever present pain.

They cry for us,
Dry tears.
Standing in sullen crowds
Surrounded by sad clowns.

That small lump of cement
It sits there for a practical use
That is to have souls walk across
But then there is you
Sitting still as stone on top of it
Your mask is slipping dear
I see those crack
The ones I tried to mend
Those that you hid from me
Now you you refuse me
Cast away my loving hand
You sit there in pieces
And all I can do
Is leave you curbside

Late nights
Turn to early mornings
Crowded beds
Become more appealing
When you’re wrapped up in someone’s arms
Only sleep for maybe an hour
But it doesn’t matter
Your mood couldn’t have soured
Being pressed up against that warm body
A hand resting on your side
Your mind slowing down for once
Different thoughts start to form
Unsure of what to do
You burry your face
That hand moves though
And soon
You are face to face
With entrancing eyes
Chin tipped up just a bit
Next thing you know
That high you felt hours ago
Is replaced with something better
Their lips against yours
You break apart
Your don’t stop smiling for what seems like hours
And all you do
Is wish you had said what you thought
Don’t stop

Do you see a beautiful mess
Or a reckless hurricane?

Do you romanticize my cigarettes
Or do you hold your breath when you walk by?

Do you really find me that interesting
Or do you lace your words with pity?

Do you still think I’m cute when I slur my words
Or do you silently slide farther away?

Do you think nothing of all I smoke
Or do you wish I would stop?

Do you think my nervous habits are cute
Or do you look away?

Do you sigh with relief when you know you’ve saved me
Or do you wish you hadn’t picked up that phone?

Do you think of me in your spare time
Or do you see me as a time requirement?

Do you truly want me at that party
Or do you only bring me because I said something?

Do you miss the old me
Or do you like who I have become?

Last night
I dreamt you came back
You waved cheerfully through a window
Came out to greet me
And we embraced
I can still feel the fabric of your sweater
You were wearing black and white as usual
But something was different
I think it was the lack of sadness
In my dream you were happy
In my dream you came back to me

Orange letters
On a black screen
Speaking of danger
Hot and intense by nature
No small sparks
To light the way
Of children's to be
Favorite memories
The middle of summer
Begins to mean
Uncomfortable nights
And light shows
No more
Fireflies
Beautiful dancing
Or bond fires
Just the bittersweet memories
Of a different year
The joy of years past
Leaves you sitting on the hard floor
Crying
For no other reason
Than not seeing
Those stunning bits of fire
That lit up your childhood
Having them withheld
Has brought you to this
Tears running down your face
As the bombs crack around you
Recorded many years past
With the sound of others
Enjoying the sight
Your favorite part of the year
Yet you never knew how much
Such a small thing could mean
Until you're left
On the wrong side of the fence
Hand in hand
With a new one
Different than years past
Who wraps their arms around you
As the tears slide down your face
Reflecting fireworks not seen

I slapped her
Hard

She deserved it

**** if I care what bridges I burn

All I see in my future now
Achole
Drugs
***
Loud music

It took two years
But I did it
I ended that **** for once
Not her

I just burned another bridge in the process
**** it
I don’t ******* care

I feel it now
I will actually go after him
**** my fears
If they rear their ugly heads
I’ll slap them like I slapped that *****

My life is mine now
**** everything that has been holding me back
The old me is now dead and buried

No more bullshiit
I will take what I want
When I want it
I dont ******* care anymore

Look over your shoulders
Lock your doors
Here I ******* come

My matches are lit
And my mind is made

**** this

Cold metal cuts translucent skin
Skin so fragile

Too much has been done to it

Cuts run deep
Bruises grow darker
  
Eyes so deep set
Shadows cloak them
They stare into nothing and everything
Seen too much
But never another’s love

Smoker’s fingers twitch
Every minute
Of every day
The need so great
To fill those lunges with poison
The burning sensation
That reminds her she is alive
Salt rimmed lips her only hope

Words always meant a lot
Now are only white noise

Freak
*****
****
Loner

They are only names

Disgusting
Unworthy
Unholy
Wrong

Only letters strung together


They are how she got here though
Names and letters thrown at her
Led to her bringing that blade to her skin
Led to her bumming her first one
Led to her buying her own pack

First she avoided the lunch room:
No lunch

Then she left before they awoke:
No breakfast

She came home so late:
No dinner

Thinner and thinner
She was wasting away

Few even noticed
Even less cared
One told her to eat
Would bring her food
She would force it down
Leave
And throw it back up
Almost every time

Her clothes hung on her frame
She was a broken frame
No one saw the haunted picture it held

Names and letters continued
Her life withered
She held on barely
Poison her only friend
Her guardian angel a blade
The new dream was six feet under

No one noticed

No one cared



So she stole some pills
Tried them
They made her feel a bit better
She kept taking them
Then they didn’t work so well
Upped the dose
That stopped as well

Eyes finally turned to her

The questions started

What’s wrong with you?
Why don’t you just **** yourself?

Answers followed

Everything
I will

The planning started
At first it was just something to take up time

Then it came alive
It started to entrance her
It spoke to her in her sleep
During the day
When she was kneeling on the bathroom tiles
When blood dripped from her
When smoke escaped her

She finally decided

Taking pen to paper
Words finally came to her
She spoke of those who hurt her
Of her own pain
Of everything
Everything she hadn’t said in years

She signed it with goodbye

She held her last cigarette
Took the most pills she’s ever had
Stood up on the chair
Put on her favorite new piece of jewelry
And she…

Kissed her life away with a smile
“Goodbye”

Oh how I hate this small town
Where I can’t find any girls to have fun with
The only ones with that mindset are my friends
And I can’t do that with them
So I turn to guys
No one bats an eye
There is one I want to actually have something with
But he’s not here
And I’m bored and lonely
So I’ve turned to having fun with other guys
It’s the closest I can get to what I want
Flirting is fun
Kisses and bites on the neck are ******* ****
But when it comes down to it
Guys aren’t always fun

Haunting beauty
Angle like eyes
No filter for the better
Artistic beyond compare

What people say means nothing to me,
Pain is all I feel.
All stops for her touch,
Personalities go hand in hand.

How I wish for relief,
To relieve the depression.
Rewrite all that's said,
So I can go hand in hand.

We all stop for her voice,
Though I can't take my eyes off of her.
My mind is lost
All to go spinning hand in hand.

Does she see me?
Can she tell?
My mind whirls as if silk in the wind.
Does she want to go hand in hand?

Hug to short,
Distance to far,
Hands just right
To go hand in hand.

She looks my way.
The fruit of my eyes.
She wants it too,
We leave hand in hand.

How sweet it is
Melon
Cactus breeze

The sticky sweet flavors coating my lungs
Drowning out her laugh
Focusing on his smile

They all know my name
Say it with enthusiasm
Protest loudly when I say I have to leave

I stay an extra hour
But none of them really notice
They are too busy

Her laugh is all his smile sees
All my lips do is paint a smile
And take another hit

I am not alone in my chain smoking
This is a two person caterpillar
One with history

We stay put that extra hour of mine
Close together on that couch
Smoke hiding us from everyone

The lights are dimmed
We are alone
Nothing happens

We talk and talk
For what seems like hours
Though it’s only one

My head rests on their chest
As I take another hit
Their arm lays comfortably over me

All of this is familiar
None of it feels wrong
Yet it isn’t as everything belongs

We speak like the old friends we are
No hidden lust
Just real words in a world of smoke

I no longer care what his smile sees
I am happy where I am
Talking of past adventures

Another comes in
Says they’re leaving
We both protest loudly

Plans are said to be made then
We all want to invite his smile
But not her laugh

I don’t feel guilty for my thoughts
I am allowed to have them
To act on them

Her pale skin in the harsh light
I can barely understand
What power she holds over him

But some how I hold similar
I happen to not try to wreck friendships
As she already attempted

The maturity that our host shows
Is astounding
He didn’t win but still stands

We all are proud of him though
Even if some are unaware
Of the battle that occurred

He made it! He made it!
All of us gathered here to celebrate
Our hosts accomplishment

The roasts that occurred
Bring smiles to everyone's face
Even my painted on smiles turn true

This group
Even if I am new
Feels like home

I’m comfortable staying on the couch with old friends
Or venturing out with new ones
Staying put by one’s self is accepted as well

I can’t believe this group is leaving
I am one of the few who will stay
They all will be moving away

For now we all relish each other
Those of us who have known one another for forever
Or those who have just met

These summer nights will be some of the best of our lives
Laughter mixing with
Hookah smoke

Little hits here and there
Snide comments left hanging in air
From all angles it seems familiar
Until one brave one shines truth on the matter.

I never saw these things as bad
They were part of the life I've lead
She showed me light
And now I'm scared.

If pushed to far
where am I left?
Laying hurt and bruised
With no where to go?

Bruised as week old apples in the back row
Haggard and worn until all is a blur
Left behind closed doors
Hidden under colder weather.

I can’t sleep
It eludes me
Taunts me from afar
Every time I close my eyes
I see him
Standing there
Looking at me
Touching me
Tormenting me
Playing it off
Acting like nothing happened
But it did
It did

He knows how I feel,
I know how he feels,
Neither one wants to give in.
It's all up to her.

He knows her so well,
While I know so little,
She loves  us both.
It's all up to her.

He's willing to let go,
Can she let him do that?
How will it end?
It's all up to her.

I am already lost in her eyes,
Her nervous smile,
Her hand in mine.
It's all up to her.

He has been there,
While I was here,
She deserves her desire.
It's all up to her.

Can I plant the seed,
for a relationship,
With my beloved fruit?
It's all up to her.

I know it's not fair
I know it's not right
These feelings I have
Bring nothing but despair.

You are my light
When fog claws at my mind.
Though what am I to do,
When the light is not there?

I see the light
In my minds eye
Images run ramped
Feeling cut lose.

My heart has hardened
If only for a moment
Thoughts cut deep
As if knives in the dark.

I am not scared
Of things like the dark.
I am scared
Of what comes with the dark.

Even when I'm in your arms tight
The monsters want to stay and play.
My mind is not welcome here
For all it brings is fear and tears.

My mind is the monsters in the dark
It is what makes these unjust feelings
It wraps me in chains
Whenever you are not here.

I know it's to much
But I am my minds new play thing
So please stay here
For I fear of times unknown.

Others have names for it
From good to bad.
But I hope you know I try
To suppress these feelings of the night.

Though you say you will stay
And I believe you will
My mind refuses to play along with this game,
It has decided on new rules on how to play.

It keeps me up at night
To tie spined ribbons in bows
Around my heart.
It makes it hard when you do not stay.

I once again know
That you would not play these games.
Though my mind still presses replay
With your name to an old face.

Old fears do not know their place
They try to worm their way in.
After having been resurrected
By my minds cruel ways.

I'm sorry for all of this madness.
But my mind is taking me farther into wonderland
To where wander drops back to fear
And my heart is caught prisoner.

You unlock the cage that my mind has put around my heart.
But once moments return to memories
And warmth has died always
My mind cones back out to play.

You are my new drug
And I love every second of it.
I don't crash every moment we're apart
Only when no words have been spoken.

My voice grows stronger with the thought of you,
And my heart is once again light as a feather
My eyes open to see lights in the stars
Just as if you were here.

My mind still pushes me toward others,
But my heart is firmly rooted in you.
My mind also pushes the idea of you with other,
But my heart knows you are true.

I know these things that I feel are not feelings,
But the pain does not realize this,
It's all the same to it
For the pain is a creation of my mind and heart.

You tell me that
You don't want this
But you act like
It's nothing to you
You say it pains you
Though look how
You leave my side
Fall into new habits
While I still fall for you
Now you aren't there
To catch me
I begin to free fall
But what scares me more
Are two simple words
Just friends
To be honest
I'm terrible at it
All of it
Cutting ties
But not all
Seeing you every day
Without calling you mine
It leaves me here
Sitting where we sat
Falling back into old habits
Feeling my heart still trapped
In your arms
It hurts to say but
For your own good
I should depart,
Fully.
But I'm afraid to say
That I can't
In a few days time
You will see
That I am unable to leave
And after that
I'll wreck everything
But long after
You have gone
My heart will still
Be yours.

So now friend
I say goodbye
Though I will not leave.

It ended with me saying
“That was nice”
Into the night
As I laid there
The feeling of your lips
Still resting on mine
I hadn’t expected to do it
But now I’m excited
I wasn’t as gone as I acted
That was me
Yes I wasn’t all there
But more there than I said
I walked over in the dark
Hoping it was the alcohol
Praying it was the drugs
In reality
It was your face
Through the light of my lighter
Smiling at me
Laughing with me
All of it lead to it
To me leaning over
My fingers on your chin
Bringing you to me
Kissing you
You grabbing my hand in the dark
The feelings of it all lingering
‘Til you fell asleep
And it all ended where this began

Behind veil and dagger,
Lays saddened eyes,
Patiently waiting,
For pain to fade.

Looming Shadows stalk,
Through crowded streets.
Fighting demons,
To break away.

Flight on feet,
Running with all her might,
But under a tree
Sits the light.

Enchanting eyes,
Open mind,
A melting smile.
Seen over miles.

She trips and stumbles
Masquerades fumble.
Takes a seat
Against all odds.

Demons and shadows surround,
But she has found,
Her new ******* bliss
Her perfect kiss.

The demons all miss
Their old ******* bliss
That now sits
With what she can't resist.

A shadowy kiss,
Away from the light,
Makes her Tremble
As if a leaf from his tree.

Tears shed,
Colors shown,
He leans in
To kiss the girl.

Such a simple pile of letters
It shouldn't mean so much
But hearing your father utter it
Makes you chest tighten
With anger, fear, sadness
It doesn't matter
They all feel the same
Something he doesn't understand
He pokes fun at
But at what expense?
At his daughters expense
Such unkept recent
Striving in the old ways
Five simple letters
Two easy syllables
One not truly bad word
But on the lips of an unknowing loved one
This simple thing stings
Brings tears to your eyes
As your ears bleed red
Shouts of anger
Thoughts of hatred
Simple gestures left for dead
No one left for you
You wander the narrow-minded streets
Those letters ringing inside your head
They were said with such little thought
As if it were not in the presence of the twisted
But as it was said
You bring it into your *****
Nurture it with discontent and cold stares
Soon you are left haggard and bent in two
This once so simple thing
Now an uncontrolled being
Eating at you
Tearing your mind apart
While the pain numbs you
Remember where this started
A father figure's lips falling open
Five letters coming out
Sounding in two syllables
Stringed into one word;
Lezbo

These words are long overdue
But each time I sit before the screen
It seems too impersonal
A keyboard is incapable
Of showing how my hands shake
This paper holds the tears I shed though

All of the late nights I spend praying for sleep
I am unable to because I know
Miles away you lay on your floor
Music pulsing
At the same tempo
As the blood that flows freely

How am I to sleep
When I know you stare at the same night sky
I feel you lie awake
Making me unable to close my eyes

But when I think of this
Tears threaten to overflow
I no longer can pick up my phone
To see if you are truly awake

Sometimes I hope you think of me often
But I don’t want you to feel this pain
I have lost my tether to reality that was you
And no matter how you feel now
I know you lost the one
Who knew you the best

How have you been Dear?

I wish I could have called you last night
My mind was slipping
And the walls were closing in
But I couldn’t call you
I had to fall asleep on a tear soaked pillow
Trembling in fear

Thinking of what you would have said
Has stopped helping
Now I think of your tired voice
Telling me it will all be okay
Makes my throat close
And my head spin

It’s scary to think of
How things change
Who do you talk to now?
Who has taken my place?
Do you love them
Like you loved me?
Do your fingers hover over my number late at night?
Can you feel that I need your strength?

Has it crossed your mind
That I’m scared to let someone else in?
Once I recover
From the constant shock
That I can no longer call you
My fingers rest calmly above someone else’s number
But my heart races
If I let them in
That means you will never come back
I already know you won’t
But letting them see
All that you have seen
Will finalize it
I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet

But I know I need
A new tether to reality
‘Cause freefalling
Isn’t healthy

Leading role
Unkind but truly sweet
Kick *** person
******* of the best kind
Someone I want to keep

What is this?
A jacket
But something so simple can mean so much
It can hold me together when i get mad
Make someone look like a lumberjack
Though how could I rely on a lumberjack?
A jacket?
I can’t
I know this
None the less
They mean so much to me
The tough exteriors
Soft insides
All in all
I believe a lumberjack saved me today

There's something trapped inside me
Pushing to get out
Begging for release
Trying to be seen.

The walls keep close eyes on me
So I close mine tight.
Try to be happy
And suffer through the night.

Few things truly bring me bliss
What I would give
For one last
Goodnight kiss.

Simplicity found
As if reborn
Laughter brought tears
And me laying on the ground.

Held tight
To be safe
Never to be let go
Always to have a place.

Trembles let lose
Kisses on cheeks.
With beautiful eyes
That must see the light.

Warmth speed throughout
Arms wrapped around
Breaths mingled
Eyes begin to close.

No shadow of a doubt
I would never leave
This is where I belong
My heart is in the lead.

The best of pillows
Move on their own
To pull you close
And never let you leave.

Random morning wake ups
Just to be in the moment
To look in to closed eyes
Writing on her back.

I miss you inevitably
It's that twisting pulling feeling i get
At the bootum of my heart
In the pit of my stomach.

The desparate need to be near you
The pain of hearing your voice.
Nothing can replace you
I have already tried and will lose again.

Seeing you every day to day
Not to touch you or to pull you close
That wrenching feling every time
Those painful beautiful memories come to mind.

Nights are the worse
Darkness folds in, and I swear...

I can feel your arms around me
Your lips brushing against mine
The feeling of breath caressing my check
Along with warmth once so near now fleeting.

Those whispered words of affection are now lost in translation
You speak words I'm unable to follow
My need for protection is nearing perfction
I've lost you my dear and have no way to reach you

I love you so hopelessly, it's eating at me carelessly
society warned me but i came after you anyways

You loved me though right?
After all those late nights
You must have felt something, but to give up this fight?

They said I was poison
They warned you were selfish
But I never left not even for a second

Where did I leave you?
How did I miss you?
Those feelings you left me,
They've all but consumed me.

Three times now,
Once a year
You’re poison beckons
For me to come home.

But home is full of prison bars.
Hollow warmth fills me,
Screaming flows over me
The feel of your lips tempting.

Though flesh turns to stone
My body a tundra
You’re voice the wind
Ravishing a tundra

Syllable by syllable
Shiver by shiver
Dark as day
My black night.

No one compares
Intellectual is her nature
Caring is her belief
Love is her pride
Equality is her goal

How strange to think
That those who use to hang on your every word
Now sit silently waiting for your words to cease

Once upon a time
There was someone who cared
They sat on the edge of their seat
Riveted by the pictures your words painted
But in this moment
They sit in awe of someone else’s tall tales
While you type away behind a screen
Sending your creations out into the world
Praying for someone to notice
That silent plea within

Once upon a time
There lived a girl who’s every breath
Bled with words and emotions
Her heart was present in everything she said
Those around her held their own breath
Not to harm hers
Now she sits alone in a dimly lit room
Her breath going unnoticed
No longer will anyone hold their breath
To see hers

Once upon a time
In a dusty old room
Many years left untouched
Someone found a old collection of writings
Curious they began to read
What was dated before they were born
Soon they held their breath in anticipation
For the words plainly written before them
Held their attention so dearly
It caressed their imagination
And soon they could hear
A sweet voice speaking
The words with such passion
That their mind couldn’t be brought back to reality
They submerged themselves
In the writings of someone long silent now

Once upon a time
A long forgotten voice
Drifted through time
To breath life into
Someone new

Truth be told
A year ago
I met this kinda quiet guy in Marching Band
Who seemed quite curious
But then one day
My friend and guardie
Said something quite unexpected
She was dating that kinda quiet kid
Now no one expected this to last at first
But the season ended
Then the end of the year came
When the new year started there they still stood
Eventually we saw how well he treats her
And accepted him as a permanent structure
No one can say a bad word about them
When they see the looks in their eyes
The love that radiates from them
Is something that we all strive for
But know there is a slim chance of finding
In high school as well as life
So all I have to say to these two love birds
Good luck & love always

One year ago today
I gave something
To my best friend
But society says
He took it from me

That isn't true
It didn't matter
If he took it
Or I gave it

In that moment
I was happy
All those summer nights
Rolled together
While we became one

People say that
Alcohol taints things
Oh how they are wrong
That night was perfect

We started as friends
Came together
As so much more
Shared a bed
Yet left best friends

I don’t know what to tell you
My mind is spinning so fast
I pull at my hair to make it stop
But that no longer works
The pain isn’t enough anymore
Reluctantly I reach for my wrist
Digging my nails in
Hoping that the pain will be enough
The pleasure it brings me doesn’t help
As all of this occurs
You ask me what's wrong
Reaching out desperately to help me
But I coil back
Trying to reach another
Who no matter how mean is always there
To forbid what I’m too scared
To promise away
My grip changes to not leave marks
Now pinning my veins and bones together
Under a steel vice
Practice has made my hand
I want to talk to you
Tell you what is occurring
But my heart beats against my ribs
Like a caged rabbit
My veins push at the thin skin above them
Begging to be released from their prisons
I wish I could grant their wish...