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I always thought pink hair was stupid
The color never looked good on people
But then you dyed your hair
Maybe I’m bias
I am
Who am I kidding?
You pull pink off well
To bad I don’t get to see it much
I wish I could see it more
Seeing the face under that pink hair
Makes me smile
Feeling the body attached to it
Has me feeling warm and comfortable
The things that that pink head comes up with
Gets me laughing at all times
Too bad you seem disinterested
In anything that involves me
Friendship even
I thought we were going to be great friends
Then we got here
And your real colors were revealed
They don’t seem to be
As attractive as your pink hair
Hopefully these aren't your real true colors.
Passion seeps from her
Loving beyond compare
Uncontrollable for her own good
More of a person than anyone else
Dark eyes glint in the night
But nothing is as it seems
This isn’t a predator of evil
Though it can be one of flesh
It hates to be one of the mind
Yet somehow I feel at home
I know I am walking into the lion’s den
Laying down by it’s side
And trusting it not to hurt me
I am aware this is foolish
But I don’t really care
I left my worries and concerns at the door
Those aren’t needed here
I have faith in my captor
Though I’m not held against my will
I enjoy every second of it
The old me would have hated it
All of it
From being so close to someone
To letting someone speak to me the way they do
Though it isn’t completely wrong
I know those words aren’t meant to hurt me
Somehow I am unscathed
I feel I could flourish here
Poison flowing freely
Words not leaving marks
Only actions matter
Strong arms holding me prisoner
But I am oh to willing
Now I just fantasize of a predator’s eyes
I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes his eyes come back to life in my mind and fantasies start over again. How am going to sleep for a whole month at this rate?
Fast beat
Heavy base
That’s how it starts
Next thing you know
You’ve slapped a *****
Burned some bridges
Await some much needed fun
Give up on your fears
Take your life by the horns
Decide your going to do it
That thing you’ve been skirting around for the past month
You know the one
Well you’re going to do it
Whether it’s a good idea or not
Just waiting for the soonest possible moment
You don’t care of the outcomes anymore
The person who cared
They left
That version of yourself is dead and gone
Now its time to become
A reckless hurricane
A swarm of emotions
Impulses
Desires
Actions
No over thinking
Just what you want
When you want it
Let the music take over
No more control over yourself
Just reckless fun
I guess this has been a long time coming
Kind eyes,
Slight smile,
All I need,
To feel relief.

Calculating,
Mending,
And always thinking
How to feel relief.

Warmth encircling,
Demons run,
Bliss remains,
Relief floods me.
Rough as a teddy bear
Outstanding is his personality
Breaking is not his way
Excited for life
Rare to find
Thoughtful as a wild cat
That blue fabric so rough against my skin. The familiar grated vision. Supple worn leather loosely hangs on my finger tips. Wind comes through the small hole on the side of the black. My extended arm lets off a string of silver attacks. Blocked by the masked figure before me. We begin the dance of death. Only one shall prevail. Red shall fall on our black and white forms.
My secret desire is to leave
To walk away from it all
Find a new life
A new family
But when I go to leave
I find new people to love
Not those I live with
But the ones I chose
How am I to walk away from them?
When I find someone to lean on
Why would I leave them?
To leave those
Who make me weak
But with them there
It becomes bearable
But for how long will this last?
Wouldn't it be easier
To just pack up and leave now
They all leave anyways
Why should I care?
Because each time
I hope to have found
One that doesn't leave
That doesn't hurt me
Wake up before dawn
**** it all
Throw on clothes
Stumble to your car
Drive through the down pour
Arrive to a cement prison
Joined by another
Shed jackets and shoes
Grab frozen poles
Work too early in the rain
Put it together
You're done for the moment
In time you turn to her car
She drives
Coffee is essential
You two can't life
But you do anyways
Sitting in the warmth
On cushions you won't have later
You talk and laugh
Just like old times
New place
Different coffee
Same duet
Time to go
Back into her car
You arrive on time
Once out of the weather
You two must venture back out
Running through the puddles
Rain splattering your faces
You stop
Open the door
Walk in
She tells you to  take your pants off
You don't bat an eye
No pants now
You try on clothes
Find what you need
Put pants back on
Back into the rain
You find the buss out of place
Direct in sync
Laugh and continue on
Losing steam now
You two stop running
Walking in time
Everything is together again
Your smiles the same
Back into the warmth
Two peas in a pod
You fill in each others blanks
Knowing looks have returned
Finally you can relax
Only for a bit though
What comes next is even worse
But you both love it
What happened shouldn't have
Those things should have never left your mind
My mask fell so hard
I can’t find it now
Pain filled me
I will never trust again
I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars
I finally did it and I have no regrets about it. Hell I would do it again..and again..and again..
He speaks with an edge
Calls himself evil things
Tries to hold himself to them
But then he touches you
These simple gestures hold
An unspoken gentleness
One he keeps hidden from view
But with his arms around you
You can feel that there is a sweeter side
Those dark eyes that pierce you
Have such untouched depth
That you want to sit and talk for hours
If it means that you can see
His emotions play across those eyes
A simple gesture
Of not removing your head from his shoulder
Brings you great joy
His persona would have been mean about it
But he just smiles and carries on
Early in the morning
When you both think the other is asleep
His arms stay around you
Never wavering
Those calloused fingers
Trace careful circles along your side
Something so hard shouldn’t be so sincere
The moment his arms pull you closer to him
As his breath stays steady
Your heart sores at his warm embrace
But the sweetest of moments
Is that of his strong hand
Gently tipping your chin up
To let his subtle lips meet yours
Shrouded in hazy morning light
His lips lighting every inch of you on fire
Those sensations so foreign to you
But make you want to travel
To every place they speak of
Putting on paper the things that won't leave your mind.
Sex
***
Is that what you want?
Do you want me with nothing between us?
Why is that okay but me be being honest isn’t?
How do you deserve me like that?
Worthless
*****
Trash
You’re right I am all of those things
I cry when I leave
I cry before I come
Are my tears precious to you?

I leave your side once
That’s when I meet her

Flowing hair
Brilliant smile
Concerned eyes
All of the things I never see in you
You are like a sister to me
We have grown up with each other
From as close to day one
As you can get
Without being real sisters
I love you with all my heart
And I know none of this is intentional
But we seem to be drifting Dear
It’s been twelve years
And the laughter is now forced
Though only in front of others
We are still sisters at heart
And behind closed doors
But why can’t that be
In front of your friends?
Why does the laughter
Have to be forced for them?
Why do I have to feel like
Second class around them?
I wish it could be like it use to be.
When one writes of love
They tend to use these general analogies
To explain the sensations
You could sit there and describe
Exactly how love makes you feel
But without those analogies
The words wouldn't hold the same appeal
There would be something off

The reason I speak of love
Is that I am in love
Thoroughly a part of an intense connection
That make it so no words can find the right meaning
No matter how hard I try
I will never capture all of our love on paper
The love radiating off of him like heat waves
The genuine sense of safety
That comes from his steady embrace
Nor could I capture the danger
The side of my love for him
That holds too close
Feeling the wrath of his anger
Though it isn't for me
Purposely putting myself between
His anger and himself
My love for him propels me to risk myself
To make sure he's okay
The slightest drop in his voice
And I'm left circling for ways to help
The words to make the feelings true
Still lay out of reach
But I pray that he can stay with me
Until I find those words
Ending with an "I do."

None of these words I speak
Will ever stay silent
Though better are hiding somewhere
Deep in the distance
'Til then I'll write of love
Without the right tools
Except those old and used analogies
Running theirselves raged
To barely graze my love

So I'll write a poem.
It's been a long time since I've posted since I've been so wrapped up in being in love.
I thought I had moved on
Left my fear in the past
But sometimes
I can still feel his hands on me
His hair against my thighs
His breath on my neck
Him keeping me pinned to his chest
The leather of his backseat
Against my bare legs
His clumsy fingers
Are all I can feel sometimes
At times sometimes is everyday of the week.
Artists capture moments for eternity
In dried paint mimicking life
But the stiff edges of them
Are unable to show the emotions
That flow off of everyone
Softening their edges
Bleeding more than my open vein

Their colors are unable to resemble
The stark red of my blood
On the recently bleached porcelain
Or pinpoint each star
Of the galaxies within his eyes

Nor are they able to blend their paints
To show how the simple white pills
Absorb the colors of my palm
Or how they make each of his movements
So drastic and sharp

The way her body turns and twists
When the music pulses within her
Is something artists have yet to paint

They may grasp how her hair twirls around her
Getting stuck on her lipgloss
But it will never look right
Without the motion behind it

The lack of music is deafening in their portraits
They tried to capture the beauty of a songbird
In a soundproof glass box
I love art but you can never truly capture anything
What is this sensation?
New but familiar
Never experienced in a safe environment
Maybe this time will be different
I might not leave in pieces
But I probably will
I never leave anywhere fully intact
Am I possibly ready for it this time around?
Hopefully
This time seems different
There isn’t that overwhelming compulsion
Just a steady stream of wanted conversation
No strings seem to be attached this time around
Just honesty and fun
Is it the summer heat getting to me?
I hope not
You were there
You swept in and lifted me
Made me see the light
My strength you became
But in exchange I was your kryptonite
Stealing away your life
Whispering crazed words in the dark
Love so powerful
It tore apart our lives
Dissected us into pieces
Your cape fell flat
As you were my wind under wings
I apologize
You turn my words away
I ****** you dry
Ruined your shine

I destroyed my superman.
Love is like a tear
Warm and comforting at first
But leaves a shadow of itself
Resting on your cheek
It is pulled away
By an unknown force
Be it life or gravity
As it falls
You want to chase after
To bring it back to you
Back to where you believe it belongs
It is seen as a weakness
Though no other can see
How strong it makes you
After it breaks you
It leads to hard taught skills
Rough skin covering fragile veins
Dark glints in gleaming eyes
A few less words
But much more meaning
Love is an everlasting tear
Burning and popping still Lingers in my minds eye, I look down to see a crinkle in time. I walk through seeing flashes if gleaming memories. Smoky gray glass silently floating, wondering, but forever still. Blue twisting and spinning through all thoughts, like everlasting bruises of the sea. Gut retching anticipation of silent questions always answered, paused and stilled. Never again to be caressed by the silent husky laughter of memories past. Light begins to reappear through the memories of black and white photographs. Loneliness suffocates me as if all those years ago with water filling my veins.  

I had been so lost, so alone. I was drowning in it. The effort it took to smile like I cared was so minimal. I scared myself with how much I didn't care. Voices running ramped through my mind. I was falling farther and farther into oblivion. Two hands reached out to scoop up the remains of me.

Silent and still I say there till I crumpled as if to be thrown away. Birthday wishes never come true if no one if wishing for you. Tears held in, hair pulled on with dead inside hands like a toddler in the night. Until a shy smile came into sight. Timid and warm but is there more?

Time pasted, wounds began to heal. Words became fewer till non were spoken at all. Pain searing. Water calling. The sinking feeling was all I was missing. Sights and sound faded till all was blank. Pain all I felt, love betrayed. Torn and beaten till nothing remains. No smiles, no silent laughter, no words to ever to be spoken.

The water beckons.

The feeling of water flowing around me, never stopping. Hands that once has held me up now push me under. Circulating, pushing out pain. Searing life on the brink is all that's left. Black oblivion rushes in like the mistress of the sea's tide. Warm salty water flows as if from a broken facet. Till it all stopped.
Black and Blue
Overcast, blotting out the sun
Smoke trailing behind us
As the popping of cans surrounds us
Clad in black and gray we go
Falling in sync
While the simple things in life
Keep us together
Broken beyond belief
We hold each other together
Though masks exist
For the public
Together we leave them behind
No shame
We know each other’s worse
Words spill out
Mixed with smoke
Swirling around us
Deep thoughts
Combined with blue mountain tops
Sitting side by side
Our old world comes into focus
And you say;
“This is us.”
I miss us.
It strikes down
Like thunder in the night
Black and Blue
But all I see is swirling red.

His words worse than blows.
Silent tears begin to flow
He is all I see.
My black knight.

Head throbbing
Throat closing
All of me sinking
Air depleting.

Voices swirling,
Through my Head.
Like Water twirling,
Far above my head.

Red stars falling,
Wishing they would come,
Take away the pain.
Oblivion.

Why did he have to blow,
My will away
I'm left empty of all but sorrow,
Water Fills my Veins.

Good Bye.
Floating in a sea,
Faces all I see.
A beacon of light ahead,
Warning of dangers unseen.

For me,
My life is the sea,
Wasting away in misery.

Masks never left unguarded.
Their stares never waver
For all they see,
Is the foaming sea.

Darkness lurks below,
The enticing surface.
For waves seem so far away
That all is believed to be free.

Thought to be stable,
No chance of Catastrophe,
When in reality
The sea is a home of swirling prison bars.

To be set free...
White was never my color of choice
But it never felt wrong
Though I don’t believe like others
This color now feels out of place on me
Soiled some would call me
Unholy others would
But I don’t see it like that
Why would I let someone touch me
If not for the bettering of myself
I shed that old title others gave me
The one others forcefully took from me
But I had held on to it
Like it would somehow bring me peace
Knowing I was still a ****** in my mind
But I left that titled behind
I let someone else take my title by choice
Though not who I expected
I barely know him
And each time I think of that night
My skin grows hot
But not with the sensations of his touch
Only of the embarrassment coursing through me
No, it wasn’t bad
Yes, I enjoyed it
But why is it so hard for me to think of it?
Twice now I have made memories
That haunt me
One in unspeakable ways
The other in unmentionable ways
But all I know is that I am no longer that title
By choice this time
Well I guess this time I can't hold on to a title that is clearly false
Stop crying little girl
We don't need her
We are strong
We will survive

No matter what you think
She is not what we need
We need control
And there is none with her

Lock away those feelings
Take your heart off your sleeve
Grab your mask off the shelf
And put on your warrior face

No one can touch you
If you give them nothing.
No one can touch you
If you take nothing.

Love left scars
But everything can be hidden
We were so new at the game
That we got played

Take no ones hand
Shed no more tears
No more being open
All is to be closed in

No door or window left unlocked.
We have no heart
She kept that
As she took the wind with her.

Control and structure must win
Confined's must be conformed to.
No grave left to dig
For warriors do not fall

We can take care of our self
No need for sacrifice
Care and love cut
With precision and pain

Warriors live in solitude
That's all we can hope
No more need for smiles
No more warmth to cuddle

There's no need to be hurt.
You slip behind my walls
Like they were never there.
My warrior's solitude broken
Your behind my enemies lines

Walls are there for protection
You are breaking all my rules
Smiles are start to slip up
My mask is starts to crumble  

My fear returns
Of being hurt.
You ask what's wrong
And I hesitate to say:

"Walls were built so I'm protected
No one is to be behind them
But you have made you way there
Though I love you being here"

You look at me
Not even for a moment
And with all certainty say:
"I will protect you"

I melt at the sound of your voice
Words desired to heard for so long
Rang out among the frosted trees
Speaking truth never heard before

Warriors should never be alone
Masks are be worn for all but one.
A warm sanctuary of no solitude
This is home of the warrior.
To be held close,
Fingers intertwined,
Feather light touches.
That's all I want.

Words of truth,
Whispered in ears,
Stars the only witness.
That's all I want.

Arms Wrapped around,
Lips near my ear,
Moments to remember.
That's all I want.

Silk woven around,
Our own little World,
Smiles all we see.
That's all I want.

Wounds healed,
Scars traced,
Love our new addiction.
That's all I want.

To be the only one,
To look deep into her eyes,
To make her smile light up.
That's all I want.

She is all that I want.
There is so much that I want to write
Express how all of these occurrences affected me
Put on paper the way this music has me feeling
But each time I begin
It all feels wrong
I delete all the lines I had down
Contemplating if lines of another sort would be good
Wishing I had toxins to consume me
Just as their lack of presence does
Those who are here are not the ones I crave
Just like I crave those pills again
That terrifying sensation
To fill my time just like years past
But I know that I want to be here when they return
Whether that be two days or two months
So I leave that sensation in my past
Dreaming of new ones that I want to experience
With someone who is supposed to be back here with me soon
I impatiently await for them to return
On the edge of all my seats
Waiting for the night I do not have to go back
To this prison they call home
But can be in his arms all night as my worries dissipate
While poisons fill me
As his presence soothes me
I sit here with so many things to write of but this is all I can mange
...is that I was scared but you made me feel better.

...is that I loved having you hold me.

...is that I felt comfort from you playing with my hair and I didn't truly mean to deter you. I just didn’t know what to say.

...is that I enjoy how you treat me. I only voice complainants to have something to say.

...is that I actually liked watching you play your stupid video games.

...is that I would love for you to teach me how to play. I would loudly protest but behind that show of dislike I would love that you took the time and had the patience to teach me how to play.

...is that I want you to pick me up and place me on you lap because I would never put myself there.

...is that I have never been on a real date.

...is that I don’t know how to properly act when it comes to subtle hints. I will over think it all because of how I was raised.

...is that I ask you those questions about my own life because it’s all against what I was taught.

...is that I hate the way my mom talks about you.

...is that I hate the way my mom talks about me.

...is that I don’t exercise because when I do I feel belittled and ugly by my parents comments.

...is that I felt confident because you said I looked good in that shirt, even if I did ask you.

...is that I felt **** because of me for once and not my clothes that morning you kissed me the first time.

...is that I loved your best friend but we have both moved on and I have moved on to you.

...is that I know I’m probably wasting my time trying to go after you but I see it as a worthy cause.

...is that I know I’ll most likely get hurt by you but I welcome it.
A list of things I won't tell you but you will end up knowing because of this. Oops.
Words can not translate
This death inside me
Though it is nothing
To the pain I caused

Words to sharp to be held close
Shoes left to bare toes
Tears running down cheeks
Embraces one sided

Words can not fix this
They only further dispute
Actions could possibly
Save my sense of reality

Words were the beginning
Those of sincere concern
Looks of secret passion
All lead to devastation  

Words of endearment
Now left open ended
No place to rest in the cold
Winter is drawing nearer

Words of colder weather
Bring beautiful water clearer
White snow drifts fill
Those old hand prints

Words brought my world to a halt
Shattered my soul
Tore at my heart
All else is to be sold

Words of bargains to learn
Broken minds excluded
Those who tease me
Should learn to fear me

Words of rage spilt
Across open air
Red drips
Through the storm grate

Words broke me
But they also healed
Now they steel me
Away from humanity

Words whispered in ears
These all took root
'She's poisonous' they hiss
This is not amiss

Words birth beliefs
Those that wreck worlds
My world fell
Never to to rebuild

Words can not explain
This hollow hunger that eats me
Busy all day
But still I miss you

Words of longing
Caught in my throat
Once to sweet
Now cut much to deep

Words of caution to those I seek
I beg you now
Leave as swiftly
With fear under feet

Words of wonder at last
How is one to forgive my mistakes?
All that I'm worth I put it all at stake
My love must compete against the hate.

— The End —