Jealous of the sea.

He was always jealous of the ocean,
How could he write songs like the waves?
The timpani drums on the breaking tide,
Crescendos written on corral staves.
Harmonizing whistles from a shoreline quartet,
And the gentle reeds blow a soft minor key.
How could he ever write songs like the ocean,
How could he ever compose like the sea.

I can no longer let your sins
Drag me down
I am so tired of trying to learn
how to breathe at the bottom of your secretes
Truth has never been our family currency
But I can no longer pay in blood
I will try truth and see how it feels on my tongue
(your actions have consequences and you never cared who paid them)
It took me my entire childhood to understand this lesson
(I convinced myself I could love you enough that you would start to love yourself)
I was wrong
(every time that you had to choose between yourself and me
I always lost)
Trying to understand that you would always choose yourself over me was a very hard thing to swallow.
(you will tell yourself in the darkness of the night that you both did the best you could)
I am a church of scars and I have one for every time you let me drown alone.
- you will not love me when I tell you the truth

They tell me to be happy
They say they want me to be happy

How can I find happiness in something
that doesn't make me happy?
How can I be happy in a world
full of pain and suffering?

I have to find it myself, right?
What if I don't find it worthy?
What if I successfully commit suicide?

You can't help a dead girl
You can't save a dead girl

All you can do is sit there
wondering what went wrong
wondering how did you miss it all
wondering why couldn't you save me

But i'll be gone by then
There's nothing you could do about it
The pain will always be there
..
Scarring you forever

Looking into my own eyes
I see what others try not to see

Others just see a beautiful face
And by the way I carry myself and dress
They assume I grew up in a wealthy home

Noooooo
Look deeper
I've been through life
(Days with no food, Molestation, Kidnapped, Beatings, Hardworking, and etc)
I just chose not to let it eat away at me

This girl (Me) has cried so many tears
And has worn this huge rock on her shoulders for so long she knows God has something so precious for her at thee end

Looking into my eyes
I am a strong woman

Someday you search me
But everything
You will find
Are these letters
       I hope you remind me
But I will be there
Somewhere between
These pages.