5 a.m.
i woke up early, had some noodles for breakfast
feeling neutral

it is 3:53 pm
ive been laying in bed all day thinking about her
feeling suicidal

Its 1:24
I lay here as the insomnia takes me
The usual
The reoccurring nightmare
Can’t sleep
I think of you
I can't move
I see you
Let me sleep

When you said goodbye to me
I immediately welcomed depression back into my life
Pretty soon I’ll be at deaths gate
Waiting for him to welcome me, next

I hope he makes you happier
When you’re with him instead of me
I hope he makes you happier
When he tells you all the things I told you
I hope he makes you happier when he holds you
I hope I can find the strength to stop lying to you
When I tell you I hope you’re happier

When you find me hanging
I want you to know
I died of heartbreak
Not suicide

I hope you know how much you made me cry
Even though I love you
I still resent you
You hurt me

Im sorry it looks like I hate you
I don’t
I know you hate me
I would hate me too
I would
I’d still do anything for you
But you wouldn’t

I miss what we had
I miss laying on that hard floor with the thin carpet, wropped up in blankets watching Netflix with the dogs between us
Cuddling for warmth while we hold eachother and smile
I never payed attention to the movies
I was too busy staring
Staring at your beautiful self
Into your gorgeous eyes
I miss listening to music
Looking at baby pictures and giggling
I miss your smooth voice
And your goofy *** sayings
I miss your immature jokes
I miss your laugh
And your beautiful smile
I miss you
I miss us

Don’t come back when you realize I’m rare
- Unknown
(This piece is not by me)

I'm sorry
I can't change
What happened
Its in the past
Mistakes have been made
Regret fills my heart
Seeps into my fingertips
Into my pen
And onto paper
To express my sorry
Into apologies
That never seem to be accepted
I'm sorry
I say again
I'm so sorry.

"one does not seek love"
she told him
"it should find you on its own"

If there were to be a movie about my life
I’d want David Bowie’s Starman to be the the track that plays after I jump off the bridge.

you were the one
but not for me
you made me happy
but I guess my happiness wasn't enough
maybe I just didn't fit
like a puzzle piece in the wrong spot
theres another piece thats supposed to go there
but I'm not that piece
go find your piece
and ill find my missing spot
maybe we'll both be happy in the end
but for now
you're just not for me

The music we used to listen to together
The music we listened to that made us happy
The music that made us think of each other
The music that was going to play at our wedding
That music takes a whole new meaning now.

Part of me wants you to hurt
To experience the pain you put on to me
The constant pain I felt
But the rest of me wants you to be happy
I still love you
But ******* I want you to hurt.

I thought what you wanted was
Love
But now I see
All you loved
Was my money

The rain pours onto the roof. I hear the pitter-patter of droplets hit my bedroom window. calm, almost. Nearly unnerving. The sound of the water against the glass almost makes the room more quiet than it was before. My head, the water drowns out the voices. Rain. Thank you. You are the rain. I love you.

It’s hard to remember everything I did with her
When I remember, it hurts
But I don’t want to forget
Maybe this is real pain
Pain that I don’t want to go away
Pain that I’m willing to sit through
If it means remembering you

He felt a pain in his chest
as if he was stabbed
and stolen from
but it was only
the smile of a girl
who had stolen his heart
and broken it to a million pieces

Just because she had eyes
Did not mean
She could see
What was right in front of her