The butler falls for the princess
As much as the Lord ever falls for the maid,
And even from his inferior role
Might feel
Albeit briefly and in error
Like a master of the palace,
When his princess fawns upon him
And lies beneath,
All alabaster perfection and
Perfume and passion,

Yet when all is done and said,
Whether in or on,
Even under the bed,
He's still the butler,
She's still better made,
She will never be his
No matter his dreams
Aspirations or hopes,
Or what with her legs spread
She said,

Because she is a princess,
She has no thought of
Love for a lower form such as he,
He scratches an itch to be sure
Which left un relieved might
Be sore,
But her parts and her heart are
Both bound towards someone more,
Much finer,
Far richer
Much better,
Than he.

Trust is my drug of choice
Secrets the pills I take,
Seduction is my favourite thing
Or perhaps it is the engineering of
mine own seduction,
How sweet to be hunted because
One desired it and therefore made it so?
Yet justice says that once seduced
I owe a deep sating of desire the like
Not known before,
And that part also
I can do

We are all the sum
Of choices made,
Whether right or whether wrong,
Made in good faith
Or in bad,
And the Good Lord knows
I have made many good but
Also many bad,
Worse than that I have acted
Upon the worst of these,
As much as on the best,
But here is the question
That I wonder,
When it came from push
To shove,
I chose
You,
Did I do right to love you?
Or is this love just another
Poor and painful
Choice?
Only you can truly answer,
But to see that I have invested My all in your net nothing
Would break my heart

It's  quiet here now,
The house is at peace,
Doors locked and mostly
The occupants are sleeping,

I am sitting alone on the sofa
Listening as my son
Adjusts upon his airbed
A few feet away,

This may well be
The last time I am here
With both my children,
And that saddens me,

I have a mad mother
A dysfunctional dad,
(At least they are alive)
Yet it seems a lonely life
Is just around the corner,

Not it seems worth the love of
A good woman,
Except that's not true I AM,
Its just you struggle to see

That you do

In  fact

Love

Me

And so again things come to close,
That which started hesitantly
Yet in hope
Just like that begun
In high expectation
And in confidence,

Like that subtle switch from summer
Into autumn
With the knowledge of an
Incipient winter
Which cannot be dodged,

I feel the change from
Convergent through
Parallel to now just
A little divergent,
And the first glint
Of clear water between,

I feel an oh so familiar ache
In the knowledge
Of that change,
That loss,
The passing of someone and something
Highly valued,

And I feel

Inestimably

Sad

I keep saying I carried
Us alone for a year,
In the face of
Abhorrence - derision and rage,
In truth some of each with
Much good reason,

I keep saying,
As you did,
That my love is not enough,
Keep saying that now
It's your time to shine and that Indeed now you must,

And yet even as you
Reach out in a way
I am supposed to honour,
Your tone is dipped
In censure and rebuke,
Accusation and deep ire,

What you seem not
To understand is you
Are in fact,
For all your vaunted effort,
Merely nailing our coffin lid,
Firmly,

Shut.

Come sail with me as we did before
Our rage and my stupidity
Got in the way
Of love,

Come step into the boat with me,
You remember it,
White and blue
And full of love,

Come grasp the tiller,
Haul in the sheet,
Take us in hand and sail
With me to common purpose,

There is no space for
Anything but peace while sailing,
No space for owt but love
Between us,

And love and happiness with you are

Enough for me

And so the lightning  
Has lost its malleable nature
And the need to be tucked in
Has faded,

I know longer see what is needed there,
Which way the spike should point
Or where or how to redirect
To better end,

I see just how much sleeker
And better fit is the
ball of natural energy that
Previously I did mould

And watch it dart away
Upon its own way
Independent and angry
Beyond my help

Exiting my aegis
For pastures new
Wherein I play no part
But to hold my cheek and check a tear

To feel that slap
The ache
The smart

I was ever affection over expectation,
A gentleman to the core,
I wanted love and the real deal,
Not *** with a willing *****,

Affection over expection true,
But laid upon a bed of want and hope,
Of Cupids arrow in my heart
But aimed and fired by who?

And there's the rub as I turn to dust,
For Cupids flight was elsewhere,
Not near me nor near mine heart,
His bow and arrows dormant,
And starting now
To rust

So you have bombed the dam
And released your rage
Upon the valley below,
Sought to sweep away
That which irks,
Destroy me and us,
Move on triumphant
From all that was,
Just as you have before,

Yet there is a flaw in your
Rank intent to wipe clean
The slate and me remove
From your life
And the one we shared,
Because in amongst the
Eddies of the valley flooded
By your rage,
I am still here standing

With arms outstretched

Waiting on your return

Perspective,
Who knew it could be so destructive?
Like the torrent from a breached dam
Driving all before it,
All the good, all the bad,
The imperfect wonder that was you and I
Picked up and flung down the mountain
We climbed so painfully,

Thundering mindless rage and
Self centred affront,
Without ears to hear
Or Understand or process,
No H.U.P,
Just mindless plunging
At the behest of the gravity-like
Decision you made to anger,

So now we are floundering -
Or maybe in your case contentedly floating? -
In the swirling waters of destruction
Surrounded by flotsam and jetsam
Of hopes and dreams,
Of a fulfilling marriage of hearts and minds,
Maybe even marriage of rings and hats and church,
All now sodden and waterlogged

I wonder will it be worth it
One day for you?
To have finally achieved this level
Of destruction to you and to me?
To the future us that we
May now never know?
For I know this sweet heart,
It was not the shoes that did not fit

It was just a grit in the sock,
And the socks are not what
You are disposing of,
Those are still on your feet and the grit
Remains,
Waiting for the next shoe,
Waiting for the next inevitable
Irritation and eventual throwing away

Of another dream

The worst part of a funeral is not the sombre faces,
Nor the awkwardness of people
Who know not how to be at such a time,
It's not the heavy sense of sadness and loss
That permeates the air or the brash jollity of those
Who over compensate,

It's not standing to eulogise my friend
In so few minutes
When he was so vibrant and ALIVE,
Nor seeing in my mind's eye his face
As he lay recumbent in the coffin's cushioned dark
And airless embrace,

Not the sobs that came in public as I sat
After giving his farewell my all,
My first eulogy and sadly probably not my last,
No, the worst, the most awful thing was the wet thump
Of roses red falling on his coffin lid,
I tossed a handful of dry earth,

It sounded better,
Seemed more fitting,
An example followed by others,
A better more respecttful
And indeed final fare well,
Rest now Damien

Rest in peace
I will see you soon enough

We dance noses almost touching
Our arms and hands
Placed as the style dictates,
Arms in tension and legs poised yet the
Greatest electricity flows eye to eye
And soul to soul

From the perspective
Of improvement I can see
That there was a lot of
Darkness in me
Or mayhap more an absence
Of light,

I am not  
Nor ever have been
A bad man,
But like many "not bad men"
I have done bad things
To people that I love,

And that does not
Sit easy with me,
But looking deep inside
I can see not so much
That I have changed
As regained my true self,

It is as if that bright pure
Core in me became,
Like the hull of a vessel
At sea
Encrusted with ****
And barnacles,

A lack of awareness of
Other's needs or hurts,
A selfishness and unworthiness
Of action and attitude,
Even towards my kin
And she that I adore,

These things encrusted
My good heart,
My core,
With unworthiness
That dimmed the light
That burns within me,

I am like a sailing ship,
Emptied of loose gear and
Run up on a beach,
Masts hauled down and hull
Heeled hard over,
To expose encrusted planks

To daylight,
Then the indignity
Of scŕaping awày that ****
And in front of one I love
To boot,
But I got my brightness back

And now, like
That sailing ship,
I am newly refloated,
Reprovisioned,
In all respects ready
For sea,

And I wait for
A destination,
And - God willing - a fellow
Vessel to sail with,
Preferably in close company,
Or otherwise

Alone

From the perspective
Of improvement I can see
That there was a lot of
Darkness in me,
Or mayhap more an absence
Of light,

I am not,
Nor ever have been
A bad man,
But I have done many bad things
And things of which
I am ashamed,

I have lived in fear
And under the accrued
Accretion of a life lived
Thoroughly most surely,
If not always really
All that well,

Like a boat left too long afloat,
With a hull encrusted
With barnacles
And **** such
That good sailing is but
An impractical dream,

But now I have careened my life,
Hauled myself over on a beach
At low tide and scraped
My bottom clean,
Painted with the antifoul of faith
And returned myself to the builders spec,

You may not notice
The lack of ****,
The absence of barnacles or
My changed behaviour,
And thats okay,

You will however,
Even through your judgement,
Lack of forgiveness
And self important rage,
Notice most particularly

That I am gone

I have stood my watch
On a warships bridge,
Steered a yacht under sail
Beneath a star studded sky,
Stood to an hour before sunrise
In military training,
So I have seen the dark,

In love too I have
Been a source of shadow
And been shaded on,
Sailed close to the wind
And indeed capsized,
Been cold and lonely in
A darkness greater than any
Night time,

But every dark yields
Before the dawn
Of a brand new day,
Every night founders
As the sun rises
To banish the lightless,
And this heart's darkness too has passed,
But this dawn is the brightest

And the best

I

Ever

Knew

Freddy Mercury sang that
These are the days of our lives,
And that legend had it oh so right!
Every day commences with
A brand new dawn, and we have seen about a thousand since we met.
I hope that we will see at least
Ten thousand more
Leading days of joy
Before I die,
Laid to rest by a lady
Who loves me

I felt deaths feather
Touch my face the other day
As my racing heart
Was beating from my chest,

The faintest touch as
Azrael swept past
My parked car with
Door ajar

I felt him draw
My soul into his wake
As he passed along the road
And yet he barely paused

And though I would
Have followed him,
And left this mortal coil
Had indeed made truce with God

And implored He grant peace to
Those I wronged and for
My children
To stay safe,

Yet once he'd passed my
Soul was still within
The bounds of my automobile,
And you had brought me water

From out the boundless deep
I came full fifty and five
Good years ago,
A helpless mewling pink
Noise on a white terri towel,
My first memory
"I do not want him"
As my ***** changed,

Five and a half decades on,
A lifetime of striving and failing,
Loving and losing,
Achieving some and
Losing too,
Trust betrayed and money lost
But finally a rock to
Rest my back upon,

And it took time and
Many hours of feeling that
Solid safe place before
I learned to lean in time
Of need but lean I did,
And came to count upon
That relief of time
Spent thus reclined,

But I should have known
The dark clouds on
The horizon were meant
For me and yep,
Today I leaned and the rock
Was gone,
So now perhaps time to
Keep falling

To turn again home

Farewell

And as I fell on backwards
Into the vacant air that once
Was rock to have my back,
I felt the shock of water
Envelop me,
That great and boundless deep
Come to claim my soul,

Cold water shock though,
Not the warm embrace
Of my heart attack,
But an alien freezing
Splutter inducing cold
And I do not like it,
Not yet my time to die

And so I struggle back to shore,
Haul myself from the waves
That rejected me and sit
Shivering,
Alone,
And silent,
On the rocky outcrop of my sadness

But rocks are hard
And buttocks are soft
And the two do not
Good bedfellows make
And I cannot remain here,

And so I climb,
Again,
Scrabble painfully up the scarp,
Again,
Towards the light

Of a sun which seems
So very far
And unfeeling
In an azure sky that
Holds little hope

But each painful inch
Is one less in the shade,
Every focused lever against the
Gravity of pain and loss
Removes me from its grasp

A little more,
Until eventually the suns rays
Start to penetrate the cloak
Of my depressed state
And even my wracked muscles

Start to warm and,
At the cliff top from whence I fell,
I spy that rock which my back
Missed still stood in place
Where it always was

Did I lean the wrong way
Or did it wobble?
Or was it a bit of both?
Either way it feels stable now
A rock

On which I pause to lean

Odious indeed is he who sits uninvited
And unwanted at our table
And yet refuses to take the hint and leave,
So throw that ******* imposter out
With a contemptuous boot
Right in the rear and
Cry "******* satan"
Loud and clear,
For unless we permit,
He has no authority here

I always thought that diamond
Was the hardest state on earth,
I always knew it *******
Just about all things,
Until today,

For it turns out that making Good ones **** ups is far harder,
Let alone receipt of forgiveness
From the one I harmed the most

But a diamonds value is not just
In its hardness but
Also rarity and the time spent polishing
And cutting the end design,

And thus also my reward,
God willing,
Will come from the offer of
A lifetime of loving service,

Of all that I am
All that I can be,
For she is worth all of that
And oh so very much more.

There are 86 miles between us,
86 miles and your friend and my misdemeanour,

I live on a rollercoaster of hope and happiness,
Then despair

I feel such love and dedication
And such self
Disapppintment

I seek a simple life,
Just you and I
And love

But there is also a mountain
Yet to climb
And I hate it

I see you,
You are my friend
And have been for so very many years,
And no more no less the precious for
What we never were

Yet in that space between
Awake and sleep,
Where dreams or is it reality
Intrude
I see another truth

I see a time where we are one,
Where we share so much
More than this oh so precious
Ship of friend
For which I would gladly die,

Yet on wakening we are still that
One true company of two,
One great and decades lasting platonic love,
Each the other's partner's lack of choice
For we come each with the other

Should I awaken in the other world
Where we a couple are,
I do not know that I would willingly lose
What we have earned upon this plane,
So I turn over, smile,

And doze again

No drink nor drugs
No fog nor *****
This time,
No feeble wafting
Or barely stated
"No" nor "please"


No victim yielding
Passive acceptance
This time,
No waking slow
After the fact
The ****,

No sense of being
Used in absence,
Your body spread
And penetrated
While your mind
Was far away

This time awake,
This time Participant,
This time giving
That well used yet still
Functionally ****** part


This time to feel
Every scrape of fabric lost,
Every embrace,
Each caress,
Every fingers touch

Upon private skin
That never felt
So alert so alive
So aching to be
Enjoyed
Provoked

And no pretence
This time,
There is no innocence nor
Excuse that's worth
The name

For this is you
And this is us
And we both know
The rules of this
Fine game

So thus are you
Woo'd
Seduced,
Deliberately stepping in harms way

Yet safe as your mind
Wanders again but
A different way,
A way of awareness and delight

Til finally that release
And surrender by
Conscious will,
That step across the edge of reason

That fall craved fully
Half a century
Comes finally
Home to roost

How sweet it is
To watch  the disruption
Of my slightest touch
Upon a knee,
A wrist
A hand
A thigh,
That fractional loss
Of coherent thought
Engendered by what may have been
But accident,

How delicious to extrapolate,
To sense the nascent effect of
More overt intervention,
A palm slid gathering
A skirts material,
Or lips insistence upon
Goosebumped flesh,
Even as the conversation
Carries on all innocent
Above the surface yet,
How very
Very
Guilty underneath

Death they say
Is the great leveller,
Claiming rich and the poor,
The good and the bad,
Every race and creed and gender yet

They never mention
The release engendered
By that final diagnosis,
The expert's
"I'm afraid I have bad news",

No time no point in worrying more,
Nowhere to run and
No place to hide,
No more to say,
No bargain to be struck,

Just knowledge that the
World will still be turning
But I have no task left
Beneath the sky,
But to pen this verse and then

Just die

Eli Eli Lama Sabachthani?
Christ called out upon the cross
But I do not feel my God has forsaken me
For He promised He never will,
And my soul is in His keeping always,
But at the end Christ said
"It is finished"
And at that point He died

I will never cry Eli...
But "It is finished",
That line I feel is perhaps
Time to start rehearsing,
I do not wish to pass alone,
Unmourned un-missed,
Yet in may ways that is kinder than
Causing pain to those I love

Time then - in love - to open my hand,
Let go the people I would depend upon
And fade quietly from their ken before I die
Such that,
Once word reaches them
Of my demise - though I was not their foe,
They pause a moment only,
Then shrug and walk on

"Really? Oh"