I'm not fully ready to be with you
I am still figuring myself out
But what if being ready is a myth
Fabricated by those who let fear win
I don't want to let this linger any longer
I need you under my skin
I need you in my veins
In my sheets
In my arms
You have been in my mind
Since the fourth of July
And I can't stand pretending anymore
I know it's not smart
But I need to follow my heart

..And it leads me to you.

i find myself wandering through your thoughts
as you wander through mine
exploring the intricate paths
all the little details
and in that moment i hoped to lose my way
stuck in the lovely labyrinth of your mind

Here, now, I sit quiet thinking about
all the times
When like pendulum I was lost in crowds
and noises (like pendulum)
to and fro.
I replay recklessly the jobs that soaked me up and
the times of life living no life
How quickly we tend to forget the spaces above clouds
low on air but high on intoxication
The valleys hidden beyond horizon
The shrubs welcoming with berries amidst thorns
streams and brooks to displease your thirst
and the soft bed of moss and grasses
The no man land, the nature- full of hospitality

I must go there, the place that came searching for me
The place I have in my dreams
Let me walk out for a while
jumping off this walls we built
Lets go dancing to the sound of silence
Country roads, lead me there
Mountains are calling and I must go!

I know no one's perfect
But is it really worth it
Just for a picture in your wallet?
Plastered on happy faces
Don't even know what day it is
Was there even a good reason for it?
You deny the lies behind the walls
While truths fall on center stage
Got the applause, but this ain't a game
And when the lights fade
You'll be regretting every decision you ever made
Life ain't just a picture or a keepsake
It's standing right in front of you
And you gotta live with every choice you make

Breathing heavy
behind my eyes
you lie in wait
for my submission.

Uncontainable
yet contained
Uncontrollable
yet subdued

for a moment.

You are darkness
you are fury
you yearn for blood
to burst forth and ****

You drench me
in shadows and blood
I dance with you
like no one ever should

I give you all I have
you become my consummation
then you leave me to die
violated, hung to dry

You thief!
You liar!
How dare you call for more!
You make a thousand promises,
as if I were your *****!
But perhaps I am that and more
for I continue to answer your knocking at my door.

No more!

You're a monster
a damnable beast!
you're nothing like
I had ever dreamed...

So I take my leave.
I return to the bridegroom
that I have so deeply grieved.
His promises ring true
they deafen me to the lies you tell.
I pray and beg I heed them
lest I let you drag me into Hell!

In a broken shower,
where the cold tap
doesn’t work
and water sprays faster
than it drains,
when you close your eyes
to wash your face
it feels like wading into
Hell’s ocean.
Imagine it.
You don’t know if it’s
scarier to pretend
the water is perfectly clear
or layered in murky darkness.
Do you want to see?
Soap burns your eyes
when you panic
and open them
before any decision can be
cemented,
like your feet to that
nightmare world.


**V.K.

Imagine seeing me one day after 15 years of not talking to each other. It will be on a local coffee shop where they have the best matcha drink one can ever dream of. You are sitting on the farthest end of the room, with an art book in hand; earphones blasting indie electronic songs you have been listening to u purposely use earphones to let people leave you alone. You dive in the world of art. Breathing heavily, you gasp for some air. You lift your head up to take a sip of your drink, and right when you’re ready to read again, you get distracted of a familiar voice.

I’ll be wearing jeans and my favorite A Rocket to the Moon shirt I got from their last concert. Earphones blasting their songs. A book in my hand, a pen and some paper. You smile upon hearing I got the same drink as you, watch me sat down on the corner, immediately opening my book (carefully).

You will watch me for some time and realize it’s just creepy so you gather up all your things and your courage, come up to me and say hi. But you stop and settle in the table next to me. I see you and tears water my eyes. You choke on your bagel. I stand up, sit next to you and say hi. You see the book I’m reading. It’s your favorite Dr. Seuss book. You will give me a look and I’ll start laughing. I will try to stop to tell you “I told you I read one page everyday.”

After that conversation, we will stay in touch. Not just in words but with actions. We will rekindle the love I believe never died. It will be a rocky adventure, but we will make it. We will go on roadtrips, blasting old Passion Pit songs. We will fulfil every promise we made when we were still in college. We will visit every island there is to explore. We will travel. Together. We will grow.

One day, I will wake up with the smell of pancakes you’re cooking for me. I will eagerly get up, shower you with kisses before I brush my teeth, and ask you if we have orange juice for breakfast. You will laugh (oh, that heavenly sound) and kiss me, saying, “You never liked orange juice. That is not welcome in our home.” I will pull you close and tell you, “You called it home, not house. That’s something.”

Soon enough, I will see you with our four-year-old wearing a unicorn onesie like yours, reading to her the Dr. Seuss book you gave me when we started our pause. You will fall asleep faster than she does, she will try to wake you up, I will stop her. I will tuck her in and carry you back to our room. I will watch you, and try to wake you. You will snore for a second, pull me in and tell me it’s time for bed.

I will whisper words before cuddling you to sleep again: “It was a rocky start, love, but I want to believe that it will get better. I’m going to make sure I’ll still be there to see it. I actually am seeing it now. If one draws attention to our cracks, they will just see colors that glued this wonderful piece together. We started with hickeys and matching shirts, let us end up with a shared surname. Can I just end with this note: Loving you feels very close to flying. Tomorrow I will ask you to marry me, I hope you say you will.”