i stayed alive
so i wouldn't cause any pain
but then you came along
and had me wanting a future
because no time in the world with you
could ever be enough

all my life
i've been met by pain
and loss
loss of
family members
because they believed my lying father
loss of
a family friend
because he could no longer endure life
loss of
elderly rolemodels
because a sickness took them away
loss of
best friends
because i became too much of a wreck
and somehow
in the meantime
i lost myself

i felt so empty inside
that i would rather feel like dying
than feel like nothing
so when my old friend came back
i greeted him with open arms
and it was comfortable
for a little while
but then it became unbearable
and i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't make him
and when he finally did leave

i felt so empty inside
that i would rather feel like dying
than feel like nothing
so when my old friend came back
i greeted him with open arms
and it was comfortable
for a little while
but then it became unbearable
and i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't make him
and when he finally did leave

i'm in a room
not too hot
nor too cold
just quite perfect for
me

i stay in the room
and the days go by
now the mirrors come
one mirror
two mirrors
three mirrors

the room is filled with mirrors
i try to look away
but my naked self is starring
i don't fit in here
i run
and now it starts all over

i love darkness

you can't see me;
or
i can't see myself

in darkness i am finally
okay

i could make lines somewhere else

but i'm too persistent

and a little too proud

so i'll just type a little harder

i smile

i laugh

i cry

i'm no longer laughing
and the corners of my mouth have changed direction

why won't you stop?

a black beverage in front of me
alarming
but at the same time
exciting

i know that it's dangerous
especially to me
but i drink it anyways
in one go

and now i'm crying
black
you made me cry
i knew it would happen

after all this time
that i have spent
being miserable
i have begun
to find it
comforting

it's a bit like stockholm syndrome
in the beginning
i hated my misery
but now
after all these years
i long for it
and miss it when it's gone

i am used to it, you see
i grew up in it
and that's quite sad
a sad comfortable misery

and you were my
unofficial prince
in my
unoficcial fairytale

you see me
as if i am perfect
but my dear
you have been blinded
by that kind heart of yours

my favourite actor
nothing less than perfect
my whole world, all i saw

but then you became something else
someone else
even though you were wearing the same mask
as you did when we first met

on the outside the same
but on the inside you changed
therefore i still watch you
as you perform in the crowded hallways

how do i heal from a loss of someone who hasn't died

i sit here
with a heart that is
burning
it's burning fiendishly
for acceptance
and love
for happiness
and a future
and you're a carrier of water
just like me
but you don't extinguish my fire
instead
you pour alcohol on it
and then you leave
me

i'm tired of
sounding like a
cliché
but probably even more
tired
of the fact that it's normal
to feel
what i feel
and to experience
what i have experienced

oh my
all you dumb ******* boys
who see me
and think
'hm alright'
and meet me
and think
'she's funny'
maybe also cool and kind
but you guys
you're so ******* dumb
because you haven't really seen me
and you give me hope for
that someone would actually love me
but i know that it's a ******* lie
i hate you for giving me hope

silence that is loud
drowns out everything else
that is present

i know that they're
"small things",
but
you don't know
my world's
aspect ratio

Will I ever fall in love
and be truly happy,
or will I just fall
and be truly lonely.

Everything is grey.
My mood,
my feelings,
my world.
A greyzone,
so I make my lungs pitch black
hoping for
another colour